DH embarrassed by my outfit for bbq

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is he controlling and putative to you like this?

Op: we have a 2yr old and the other night he said something at dinner and DH couldn’t hear him and I couldn’t either, so DH snapped at me to “stop stuffing my face”. Stuff like that is happening more often now.

Let's leave narcissism aside, this is not how two people in a respectful relationship talk to each other, period. I think you should draw a hard line. This is or borders on verbal abuse. As for the BBQ, I can't believe he left you at home because he didn't like your top and encouraged your children to criticize your appearance as well.

I think I would try to find a therapist to help me navigate this because it doesn't sound like he has a very good handle on boundaries and it's going to be a struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came downstairs ready to go to a friend’s bbq with DH and our two DC. When DH saw me he flipped out. I was wearing a yellow JCREW off the shoulder top and jeans. He told me I looked like an insect because of the top being bright yellow, and said to our boys, “doesn’t mom look like a bumble bee”. He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids).

He called me several times during the bbq and I didn’t answer. I think he feels bad now. I left the house so I wasn’t home when he got back. What would you do?

Was it yellow top and black pants? That probably could make you look like a bumble bee. But yellow top and blue jeans would actually look nice.

OK? Why is so angry and why are you so quick to take offense? Dude!!!! You actually have bigger resentments simmering. And the fact that you have two small kids - oh, oh, oh! This is the shit phase of parenting. Most stressful. You both need to simmer down and learn to communicate better.

Why would OP. Wed to settle down? He’s the one being abusive and very rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't people date long enough to understand what otger person is capable of. Both parties here lack basic kindness and communication skills.

+1 everyone attacking the man but she seems just as out of order. He may not have been tactful with his way of saying it but she clearly got angry about it and couldn't even pick up the phone. I mean what if something bad happened to him or the kids but she wouldn't know because she's still mad about a silly comment. She clearly didn't want to spend time with the family, if she did she'd change or go to the party alone and meet them there. Instead she sat at home being mad and bashing him on dcum. Both parties sound like they have some growing up to do

You think your attitude is mature, but it's really just retro (and not in a good way).

NP. I don't assume what PP thought but agree that communication comes with maturity. I don't think that idea is retro but do think people don't mature as quickly now as they did even a couple generations ago. Maybe young adult maturity is becoming a retro idea....

As a generation X person this whole interaction seems very middle school level. I was always a bit behind socially growing up and wouldn't even act this way after high school. Not answering a phone call from a family member just wouldn't even be tolerated in the home, it didn't matter how angry you were about something that was said or done earlier. My generation and those older seem to care way less about what people think about them, often are more respectful and accepting of differences of opinions, and were raised with an idgaf attitude.

Like so what if he called you a bumble bee, big deal. I'd probably say yep buzz buzz and fly around the room or go to the kitchen and grab some aluminum foil. If he asked what I'm doing I'd tell him I'm making some antennas before we leave so I can show up in full costume. I'd ask him if he wanted me to make a set for him too so we could all match. Then even if he said no I'd make some for the kids and we would all play bees for 5 minutes and then go to the party together with the kids laughing about the fun they just had being silly as a family. He could join in the bee party or be grumpy, either way I would create a fun situation out of it for me and the kids.

In the rare event that my husband or anyone else said something that really bothered me to OPs level of anger my first line of defense is to call a parent or my best friend to complain. They will listen for a few minutes and may or may not agree with me. Either way is fine, but they help me talk through the situation and work through a solution or at least gain perspective from both sides. Then when I see that person again I usually just apologize for my part in the situation and move on with life.

If it was a recurring problem that really bothered me then I'd address it with that person directly but in general just try to let things like this go. Life is just too short. Holding grudges and expecting others to agree with you in mass definitely seems more a product of social media than anything else. I think this generation often spends more time in front of a screen than they do in real life interactions. They post their every move on social media and wait in anticipation of likes and affirmative comments. Back in the day talking about something like this and expecting others to agree would be considered gossipy and arrogant at best. Most people would just tell you that to your face too so you'd learn pretty quickly that different opinions existed and life doesn't revolve around you and your perspective. You learn pretty quickly to suck it up and move on and find ways to react to situations to make them better in the moment. That's part of what social maturity is, we just learned those lessons earlier in life 30 years ago.

Social media, being practically raised by computers, and lack of real life social interactions combined with fewer responsibilities and expectations growing up will change the rate of maturity and styles of communication. Like it or not this eventually effects things like marriage and family relationships. I don't know how old OP or DH are but agree with PP that communication styles appear immature. That's not said to be hurtful but just to offer a different perspective. I think some perspective and learning not to take yourself or life too seriously would do OP some good.

The way you respond to situations has more to do with the outcome and your own happiness in life than anything that is ever said or done to you. You can't control what others do or say but you can absolutely change how you choose to respond to it. Learn from these types of situations and create changes in how you choose to respond next time. Arguing and expecting someone else to change won't get you a different outcome but changing your perspective and response might.

TL : DR. Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

I would have just gone to the BBQ and not changed OP. Let your dh have a fit in front of others or call you a bumblebee. The more people who hear him the better. If he gets worse, you will need witnesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have just gone to the BBQ and not changed OP. Let your dh have a fit in front of others or call you a bumblebee. The more people who hear him the better. If he gets worse, you will need witnesses.

I think you and a bunch of other are not carefully reading the OP:

"When DH saw me he flipped out. ... He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids)."

OP didn't have the option to just go and not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have just gone to the BBQ and not changed OP. Let your dh have a fit in front of others or call you a bumblebee. The more people who hear him the better. If he gets worse, you will need witnesses.

I think you and a bunch of other are not carefully reading the OP:

"When DH saw me he flipped out. ... He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids)."

OP didn't have the option to just go and not change.

But how did she not have the option? How does he get to "take the kids" and bar her from going? This is an abusive situation.

[Anonymous]

Women need to stay away from men who treat them like shit. Don’t date them, don’t have sex with them, don’t live with them, don’t marry them. Don’t rant at them, don’t negotiate with them, and don’t explain. As soon as it happens, turn around and walk away. It will benefit you immensely. But if we all do it, it will actually change the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came downstairs ready to go to a friend’s bbq with DH and our two DC. When DH saw me he flipped out. I was wearing a yellow JCREW off the shoulder top and jeans. He told me I looked like an insect because of the top being bright yellow, and said to our boys, “doesn’t mom look like a bumble bee”. He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids).

He called me several times during the bbq and I didn’t answer. I think he feels bad now. I left the house so I wasn’t home when he got back. What would you do?

Was it yellow top and black pants? That probably could make you look like a bumble bee. But yellow top and blue jeans would actually look nice.

OK? Why is so angry and why are you so quick to take offense? Dude!!!! You actually have bigger resentments simmering. And the fact that you have two small kids - oh, oh, oh! This is the shit phase of parenting. Most stressful. You both need to simmer down and learn to communicate better.

Why would OP. Wed to settle down? He’s the one being abusive and very rude.

This is the poster who always thinks comments that women over react to everything or accuse posters of being ANGRY. She is super duper cool and never gets stressed by anything. She's so chill, she could have married Ted Bundy and would have understood him and worked things out.

[Anonymous]

Run, OP. It's only going to get worse. You and your kids deserve so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women need to stay away from men who treat them like shit. Don’t date them, don’t have sex with them, don’t live with them, don’t marry them. Don’t rant at them, don’t negotiate with them, and don’t explain. As soon as it happens, turn around and walk away. It will benefit you immensely. But if we all do it, it will actually change the world.

Do you have any experience with abuse? It’s not that simple. The vast majority of abusers start off as charming and caring. Obviously if a man flips out over your outfit on a first date, you’ll leave and never speak with him again. But it’s not on the first date, and it’s not over something big. They hook you in with their charm, then they start small, and slowly turn the heat up over time. They convince you that reality is completely different, that you are the problem. And by the time you realize what is going on, there’s marriage, kids, people pressuring you to stay, marriage counselors that convince you it’s equally your fault for triggering him, you’re stressed over what a divorce will do to your kids and what will happen the time they are alone with dad.

It’s not as easy as you think. Turn around and walk away? My xH would have physically blocked me from leaving. Then what, call the cops? He was a cop and his buddies wouldn’t do sh!t. I know other women and if they tried to walk away, they would be physically beaten.

I suggest you read Lundy Bancroft, he’s done extensive work on abuse. The woman alone cannot usually stop it, there needs to be consequences from multiple people, most importantly from other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have just gone to the BBQ and not changed OP. Let your dh have a fit in front of others or call you a bumblebee. The more people who hear him the better. If he gets worse, you will need witnesses.

I think you and a bunch of other are not carefully reading the OP:

"When DH saw me he flipped out. ... He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids)."

OP didn't have the option to just go and not change.

Do they have a second car? Does she have money to pay for an Uber? Then she has options.

If she doesn't work, they don't have a second car, and she has no money of her own, OP is really in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how split the comments are. I’m sorry for all of you people who think this is normal and acceptable behavior in a relationship.

Right?? Doing everything your husband tells you to do, down to changing a top in a color he doesn’t like, to avoid conflict is not “compromise” or “communication”.

I think z lot of these posters are trolls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have just gone to the BBQ and not changed OP. Let your dh have a fit in front of others or call you a bumblebee. The more people who hear him the better. If he gets worse, you will need witnesses.

I think you and a bunch of other are not carefully reading the OP:

"When DH saw me he flipped out. ... He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids)."

OP didn't have the option to just go and not change.

Do they have a second car? Does she have money to pay for an Uber? Then she has options.

If she doesn't work, they don't have a second car, and she has no money of her own, OP is really in trouble.

You really think OP should have Uber'd to the party when her obviously controlling DH was "flipped out" over her outfit and left her. What scene do you expect to unfold at someone else's BBQ when she gets there after him but solo? In front of the kids and everyone else? And what do you think he'd do when they got home?

The people who think this guy isn't abusive are not paying attention. OP is in a very difficult spot, so what other posters would do if it were their spouse is irrelevant -- it's not your spouse, it's this nut case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have just gone to the BBQ and not changed OP. Let your dh have a fit in front of others or call you a bumblebee. The more people who hear him the better. If he gets worse, you will need witnesses.

I think you and a bunch of other are not carefully reading the OP:

"When DH saw me he flipped out. ... He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids)."

OP didn't have the option to just go and not change.

Do they have a second car? Does she have money to pay for an Uber? Then she has options.

If she doesn't work, they don't have a second car, and she has no money of her own, OP is really in trouble.

Np would you really want to go to the BBQ after that? I wouldn't want to go because I would fear he would escalate and embarrass me in front of more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH pretty much dislikes most things I wear. My choices are usually more practical than he would like. When we are going somewhere, he will often ask if there is something else (more to his aesthetic) that I could wear. I indulge him sometimes. We have gotten into arguments about this more than once in the 20+ years we have been married. But these are the things that sometimes happen in an otherwise normal marriage.

But he is a very respectful man at his core. What you are saying happened with your DH is something entirely different. That he would belittle you like that, drag your kids into it, and then ultimately leave with out you. That is a BIG problem. He is a big problem.

Please take the advice of someone who doesn't have a storybook marriage. With the phrase "for better or worse," what you are describing is not the normal "worse" that happens in a marriage. It is very much a red flag. Protect yourself and your children (they will be next.)

Sounds like the difference is you actually know marriage is sustained on compromise.

Um no. Wearing what your spouse wants to avoid an argument is not compromise. Tolerating toxic and abusive behavior just to say you've been married a long time is not goals and it shouldn't be praised.