DH embarrassed by my outfit for bbq

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't people date long enough to understand what otger person is capable of. Both parties here lack basic kindness and communication skills.

+1 everyone attacking the man but she seems just as out of order. He may not have been tactful with his way of saying it but she clearly got angry about it and couldn't even pick up the phone. I mean what if something bad happened to him or the kids but she wouldn't know because she's still mad about a silly comment. She clearly didn't want to spend time with the family, if she did she'd change or go to the party alone and meet them there. Instead she sat at home being mad and bashing him on dcum. Both parties sound like they have some growing up to do

You think your attitude is mature, but it's really just retro (and not in a good way).

NP. I don't assume what PP thought but agree that communication comes with maturity. I don't think that idea is retro but do think people don't mature as quickly now as they did even a couple generations ago. Maybe young adult maturity is becoming a retro idea....

As a generation X person this whole interaction seems very middle school level. I was always a bit behind socially growing up and wouldn't even act this way after high school. Not answering a phone call from a family member just wouldn't even be tolerated in the home, it didn't matter how angry you were about something that was said or done earlier. My generation and those older seem to care way less about what people think about them, often are more respectful and accepting of differences of opinions, and were raised with an idgaf attitude.

Like so what if he called you a bumble bee, big deal. I'd probably say yep buzz buzz and fly around the room or go to the kitchen and grab some aluminum foil. If he asked what I'm doing I'd tell him I'm making some antennas before we leave so I can show up in full costume. I'd ask him if he wanted me to make a set for him too so we could all match. Then even if he said no I'd make some for the kids and we would all play bees for 5 minutes and then go to the party together with the kids laughing about the fun they just had being silly as a family. He could join in the bee party or be grumpy, either way I would create a fun situation out of it for me and the kids.

In the rare event that my husband or anyone else said something that really bothered me to OPs level of anger my first line of defense is to call a parent or my best friend to complain. They will listen for a few minutes and may or may not agree with me. Either way is fine, but they help me talk through the situation and work through a solution or at least gain perspective from both sides. Then when I see that person again I usually just apologize for my part in the situation and move on with life.

If it was a recurring problem that really bothered me then I'd address it with that person directly but in general just try to let things like this go. Life is just too short. Holding grudges and expecting others to agree with you in mass definitely seems more a product of social media than anything else. I think this generation often spends more time in front of a screen than they do in real life interactions. They post their every move on social media and wait in anticipation of likes and affirmative comments. Back in the day talking about something like this and expecting others to agree would be considered gossipy and arrogant at best. Most people would just tell you that to your face too so you'd learn pretty quickly that different opinions existed and life doesn't revolve around you and your perspective. You learn pretty quickly to suck it up and move on and find ways to react to situations to make them better in the moment. That's part of what social maturity is, we just learned those lessons earlier in life 30 years ago.

Social media, being practically raised by computers, and lack of real life social interactions combined with fewer responsibilities and expectations growing up will change the rate of maturity and styles of communication. Like it or not this eventually effects things like marriage and family relationships. I don't know how old OP or DH are but agree with PP that communication styles appear immature. That's not said to be hurtful but just to offer a different perspective. I think some perspective and learning not to take yourself or life too seriously would do OP some good.

The way you respond to situations has more to do with the outcome and your own happiness in life than anything that is ever said or done to you. You can't control what others do or say but you can absolutely change how you choose to respond to it. Learn from these types of situations and create changes in how you choose to respond next time. Arguing and expecting someone else to change won't get you a different outcome but changing your perspective and response might.

[Anonymous]

It's weird and disturbing. Inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is an incredibly disrespectful interaction....

My DH is brutally honest about my outfits but in constructive ways, like if I am over/underdressed for the occasion, not weather appropriate, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL told my sister that she looked liked an insect in her doctoral gown because of the green and gold hood. Over the years, he has relentlessly criticized her and now her self esteem in shreds. Please get out of this marriage before this narcissist makes you a shell of your former self.

This is so sad. Abusers do this, they say things as “jokes” or do things that are somewhat in the realm of normal but then take it so far that their victim is genuinely hurt and humiliated. They gaslight the victim saying they can’t take a joke or they were just making a normal comment about their outfit but you know it when you see it, if your spouse is consistently and intentionally being cruel to you and chipping away at your self esteem they are abusing you. The goal is to make you feel alone and worthless. No one that purports to love you should be doing this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't people date long enough to understand what otger person is capable of. Both parties here lack basic kindness and communication skills.

+1 everyone attacking the man but she seems just as out of order. He may not have been tactful with his way of saying it but she clearly got angry about it and couldn't even pick up the phone. I mean what if something bad happened to him or the kids but she wouldn't know because she's still mad about a silly comment. She clearly didn't want to spend time with the family, if she did she'd change or go to the party alone and meet them there. Instead she sat at home being mad and bashing him on dcum. Both parties sound like they have some growing up to do

You think your attitude is mature, but it's really just retro (and not in a good way).

NP. I don't assume what PP thought but agree that communication comes with maturity. I don't think that idea is retro but do think people don't mature as quickly now as they did even a couple generations ago. Maybe young adult maturity is becoming a retro idea....

As a generation X person this whole interaction seems very middle school level. I was always a bit behind socially growing up and wouldn't even act this way after high school. Not answering a phone call from a family member just wouldn't even be tolerated in the home, it didn't matter how angry you were about something that was said or done earlier. My generation and those older seem to care way less about what people think about them, often are more respectful and accepting of differences of opinions, and were raised with an idgaf attitude.

Like so what if he called you a bumble bee, big deal. I'd probably say yep buzz buzz and fly around the room or go to the kitchen and grab some aluminum foil. If he asked what I'm doing I'd tell him I'm making some antennas before we leave so I can show up in full costume. I'd ask him if he wanted me to make a set for him too so we could all match. Then even if he said no I'd make some for the kids and we would all play bees for 5 minutes and then go to the party together with the kids laughing about the fun they just had being silly as a family. He could join in the bee party or be grumpy, either way I would create a fun situation out of it for me and the kids.

In the rare event that my husband or anyone else said something that really bothered me to OPs level of anger my first line of defense is to call a parent or my best friend to complain. They will listen for a few minutes and may or may not agree with me. Either way is fine, but they help me talk through the situation and work through a solution or at least gain perspective from both sides. Then when I see that person again I usually just apologize for my part in the situation and move on with life.

If it was a recurring problem that really bothered me then I'd address it with that person directly but in general just try to let things like this go. Life is just too short. Holding grudges and expecting others to agree with you in mass definitely seems more a product of social media than anything else. I think this generation often spends more time in front of a screen than they do in real life interactions. They post their every move on social media and wait in anticipation of likes and affirmative comments. Back in the day talking about something like this and expecting others to agree would be considered gossipy and arrogant at best. Most people would just tell you that to your face too so you'd learn pretty quickly that different opinions existed and life doesn't revolve around you and your perspective. You learn pretty quickly to suck it up and move on and find ways to react to situations to make them better in the moment. That's part of what social maturity is, we just learned those lessons earlier in life 30 years ago.

Social media, being practically raised by computers, and lack of real life social interactions combined with fewer responsibilities and expectations growing up will change the rate of maturity and styles of communication. Like it or not this eventually effects things like marriage and family relationships. I don't know how old OP or DH are but agree with PP that communication styles appear immature. That's not said to be hurtful but just to offer a different perspective. I think some perspective and learning not to take yourself or life too seriously would do OP some good.

The way you respond to situations has more to do with the outcome and your own happiness in life than anything that is ever said or done to you. You can't control what others do or say but you can absolutely change how you choose to respond to it. Learn from these types of situations and create changes in how you choose to respond next time. Arguing and expecting someone else to change won't get you a different outcome but changing your perspective and response might.

I can’t believe how much you just wrote to say that you’re better than OP. You had problems in high school and you still do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't people date long enough to understand what otger person is capable of. Both parties here lack basic kindness and communication skills.

+1 everyone attacking the man but she seems just as out of order. He may not have been tactful with his way of saying it but she clearly got angry about it and couldn't even pick up the phone. I mean what if something bad happened to him or the kids but she wouldn't know because she's still mad about a silly comment. She clearly didn't want to spend time with the family, if she did she'd change or go to the party alone and meet them there. Instead she sat at home being mad and bashing him on dcum. Both parties sound like they have some growing up to do

You think your attitude is mature, but it's really just retro (and not in a good way).

NP. I don't assume what PP thought but agree that communication comes with maturity. I don't think that idea is retro but do think people don't mature as quickly now as they did even a couple generations ago. Maybe young adult maturity is becoming a retro idea....

As a generation X person this whole interaction seems very middle school level. I was always a bit behind socially growing up and wouldn't even act this way after high school. Not answering a phone call from a family member just wouldn't even be tolerated in the home, it didn't matter how angry you were about something that was said or done earlier. My generation and those older seem to care way less about what people think about them, often are more respectful and accepting of differences of opinions, and were raised with an idgaf attitude.

Like so what if he called you a bumble bee, big deal. I'd probably say yep buzz buzz and fly around the room or go to the kitchen and grab some aluminum foil. If he asked what I'm doing I'd tell him I'm making some antennas before we leave so I can show up in full costume. I'd ask him if he wanted me to make a set for him too so we could all match. Then even if he said no I'd make some for the kids and we would all play bees for 5 minutes and then go to the party together with the kids laughing about the fun they just had being silly as a family. He could join in the bee party or be grumpy, either way I would create a fun situation out of it for me and the kids.

In the rare event that my husband or anyone else said something that really bothered me to OPs level of anger my first line of defense is to call a parent or my best friend to complain. They will listen for a few minutes and may or may not agree with me. Either way is fine, but they help me talk through the situation and work through a solution or at least gain perspective from both sides. Then when I see that person again I usually just apologize for my part in the situation and move on with life.

If it was a recurring problem that really bothered me then I'd address it with that person directly but in general just try to let things like this go. Life is just too short. Holding grudges and expecting others to agree with you in mass definitely seems more a product of social media than anything else. I think this generation often spends more time in front of a screen than they do in real life interactions. They post their every move on social media and wait in anticipation of likes and affirmative comments. Back in the day talking about something like this and expecting others to agree would be considered gossipy and arrogant at best. Most people would just tell you that to your face too so you'd learn pretty quickly that different opinions existed and life doesn't revolve around you and your perspective. You learn pretty quickly to suck it up and move on and find ways to react to situations to make them better in the moment. That's part of what social maturity is, we just learned those lessons earlier in life 30 years ago.

Social media, being practically raised by computers, and lack of real life social interactions combined with fewer responsibilities and expectations growing up will change the rate of maturity and styles of communication. Like it or not this eventually effects things like marriage and family relationships. I don't know how old OP or DH are but agree with PP that communication styles appear immature. That's not said to be hurtful but just to offer a different perspective. I think some perspective and learning not to take yourself or life too seriously would do OP some good.

The way you respond to situations has more to do with the outcome and your own happiness in life than anything that is ever said or done to you. You can't control what others do or say but you can absolutely change how you choose to respond to it. Learn from these types of situations and create changes in how you choose to respond next time. Arguing and expecting someone else to change won't get you a different outcome but changing your perspective and response might.

I can’t believe how much you just wrote to say that you’re better than OP. You had problems in high school and you still do.

np yeah I’m not reading that whole essay but other posters are projecting their own experiences onto this. He made a “joke” and then took the kids and left when she told him she was wearing the yellow shirt. That’s some creepy and controlling behavior.

[Anonymous]

If OP was a mature adult, she would have kept her outfit on and gone to the BBQ. Instead she sounds just as petulant and childish as her husband.

That said, I am #teamOP in this argument. I just think she could have handled it better.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe how split the comments are. I’m sorry for all of you people who think this is normal and acceptable behavior in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL told my sister that she looked liked an insect in her doctoral gown because of the green and gold hood. Over the years, he has relentlessly criticized her and now her self esteem in shreds. Please get out of this marriage before this narcissist makes you a shell of your former self.

OMG at what should be a moment of pride because of all her hard work, to hear this!
He probably didn't like that he wasn't the center of attention.

I think you hit the nail on the head. He had received his doctorate the week before so you would think he would have been able to let her enjoy her moment. He never misses an opportunity to criticize her. I never stay with them because it seems I am always defending her and it is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I were you, I would wear that yellow shirt every single day. And I would get a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how split the comments are. I’m sorry for all of you people who think this is normal and acceptable behavior in a relationship.

Right?? Doing everything your husband tells you to do, down to changing a top in a color he doesn’t like, to avoid conflict is not “compromise” or “communication”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't people date long enough to understand what otger person is capable of. Both parties here lack basic kindness and communication skills.

+1 everyone attacking the man but she seems just as out of order. He may not have been tactful with his way of saying it but she clearly got angry about it and couldn't even pick up the phone. I mean what if something bad happened to him or the kids but she wouldn't know because she's still mad about a silly comment. She clearly didn't want to spend time with the family, if she did she'd change or go to the party alone and meet them there. Instead she sat at home being mad and bashing him on dcum. Both parties sound like they have some growing up to do

You think your attitude is mature, but it's really just retro (and not in a good way).

NP. I don't assume what PP thought but agree that communication comes with maturity. I don't think that idea is retro but do think people don't mature as quickly now as they did even a couple generations ago. Maybe young adult maturity is becoming a retro idea....

As a generation X person this whole interaction seems very middle school level. I was always a bit behind socially growing up and wouldn't even act this way after high school. Not answering a phone call from a family member just wouldn't even be tolerated in the home, it didn't matter how angry you were about something that was said or done earlier. My generation and those older seem to care way less about what people think about them, often are more respectful and accepting of differences of opinions, and were raised with an idgaf attitude.

Like so what if he called you a bumble bee, big deal. I'd probably say yep buzz buzz and fly around the room or go to the kitchen and grab some aluminum foil. If he asked what I'm doing I'd tell him I'm making some antennas before we leave so I can show up in full costume. I'd ask him if he wanted me to make a set for him too so we could all match. Then even if he said no I'd make some for the kids and we would all play bees for 5 minutes and then go to the party together with the kids laughing about the fun they just had being silly as a family. He could join in the bee party or be grumpy, either way I would create a fun situation out of it for me and the kids.

In the rare event that my husband or anyone else said something that really bothered me to OPs level of anger my first line of defense is to call a parent or my best friend to complain. They will listen for a few minutes and may or may not agree with me. Either way is fine, but they help me talk through the situation and work through a solution or at least gain perspective from both sides. Then when I see that person again I usually just apologize for my part in the situation and move on with life.

If it was a recurring problem that really bothered me then I'd address it with that person directly but in general just try to let things like this go. Life is just too short. Holding grudges and expecting others to agree with you in mass definitely seems more a product of social media than anything else. I think this generation often spends more time in front of a screen than they do in real life interactions. They post their every move on social media and wait in anticipation of likes and affirmative comments. Back in the day talking about something like this and expecting others to agree would be considered gossipy and arrogant at best. Most people would just tell you that to your face too so you'd learn pretty quickly that different opinions existed and life doesn't revolve around you and your perspective. You learn pretty quickly to suck it up and move on and find ways to react to situations to make them better in the moment. That's part of what social maturity is, we just learned those lessons earlier in life 30 years ago.

Social media, being practically raised by computers, and lack of real life social interactions combined with fewer responsibilities and expectations growing up will change the rate of maturity and styles of communication. Like it or not this eventually effects things like marriage and family relationships. I don't know how old OP or DH are but agree with PP that communication styles appear immature. That's not said to be hurtful but just to offer a different perspective. I think some perspective and learning not to take yourself or life too seriously would do OP some good.

The way you respond to situations has more to do with the outcome and your own happiness in life than anything that is ever said or done to you. You can't control what others do or say but you can absolutely change how you choose to respond to it. Learn from these types of situations and create changes in how you choose to respond next time. Arguing and expecting someone else to change won't get you a different outcome but changing your perspective and response might.

Yea no. My xH is like OP’s H, and if I had a “bee party” I would have been screamed at for days. If there’s one thing my ex hated more than anything, it was being made fun off and mocked.

People like PP don’t understand that controlling, abusive men are very dangerous and you can’t just make antennae to shrug it off. Very sad that female victims are told their problem is too much screen time.

[Anonymous]

Divorce works. Try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were you, I would wear that yellow shirt every single day. And I would get a divorce lawyer.

AMEN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came downstairs ready to go to a friend’s bbq with DH and our two DC. When DH saw me he flipped out. I was wearing a yellow JCREW off the shoulder top and jeans. He told me I looked like an insect because of the top being bright yellow, and said to our boys, “doesn’t mom look like a bumble bee”. He asked me to change and I said no. He said he would go without me then, which he did (and took the kids).

He called me several times during the bbq and I didn’t answer. I think he feels bad now. I left the house so I wasn’t home when he got back. What would you do?

Hell no. Wear what you want to wear if it makes you happy. He has a problem and this is abuse. I would have driven separately and gone. And I would tell him he better not dare criticize me about what I’m wearing. And especially never in front of your kids. Think how they must have also felt. You’re an adult. Act like one even though he isn’t.