We have an epidemic of terrible parenting—what is the solution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one else seeing all the racist dog whistles in this thread?

Aren't the people assuming that OP is talking about POC the racists though? Bc there are plenty of white kids who misbehave in class.
The thing I've heard from teachers (in schools with both low income and well off parents) is that parents don't seem to hold their kids accountable for their behaviors anymore. And yes, you have parents who don't care at all, but you also have bulldozer parents who hound teachers for giving their kids a B. Both lead to issues, no?

Put the thread in the context of another thread where a TA is imploring people to not send their kids to high-poverty schools, describing intense behavioral issues. Also the context of the thread itself, in which posters are saying that kids shouldn't get school lunch. Additionally, the OP doesn't actually say what the problem is (behavior? test scores?). So at least some people on this thread are basically saying that poor parents are bad parents (and their kids shouldn't receive school lunch, even). Couple all of that with the fact that in the DMV (where this forum is generated), there is a high correlation between income and race. So people talking about poor kids' behavior are talking about Black kids' behavior.

Plus the OP won't actually SAY what they are talking about when repeatedly asked, and won't say the demographics of the parents they are complaining about. Why is that. I think we know why.

+1

A lot of dog whistles here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I agree. Parents are addicted to screens too and spend a lot of time on their phone instead of parenting. They are totally checked out from their kids. They don’t correct behavior, they don’t supplement education at home, there is no learning going on home bc kids are plopped in front of TV/iPad the minute they return home from school or an activity. There is very little parental engagement going on. Parents are even too lazy to actually cook food for their kids too now. Free school breakfast, free lunch, what next?

+ 1,000 I WAS one of these parents until I became chronically ill and had to give up my job to take care of myself so that I can live. Wow! I had NO idea how much time was spent carting kids from place to place, zoning out on my phone, watching TV, and doing anything but being engaged with my kids. When I was ill, I had to stop and slow down. I began to form relationships with my kids again. They were good kids but now they are great kids! We talk, garden, cook, do crafts, and I even do homework with them (I let them quiz me or play student). WE focus on staying healthy and cook meal together, eat together, and go to bed at decent times, which I could not do working until 5p, running them to practice by 6p until 7:30p, grabbing Chipotle and CFL on the way home. I am so thankful for my illness because it illuminated a lot of shortcomings in me. Now, I cringe when I see parents doing the same thing I do because I know how they got there and it will take something catastrophic to change it. I am not going to lie and say it is easy though. When I was working, it seemed like time flew and I NEVER had enough time to do anything.

I'm sorry about your illness but what do you live on? Do you understand how difficult many of these things are for people who have jobs? Who have to work for various reasons?

Yeah, not having a job gives you a lot more time. Duh.

I went back to work part-time. My husband makes a very handsome salary so that I can stay home. I stated that I know how it is. Duh to you. I said I was a working parent for most of my parenthood. This is an illness that started 2 years ago. I stated that I WAS one of those parents. Calm down. Take a coffee break.

Do you have an ability to self-reflect? damn. "I was a bad parent, and then I started working part time, and that was possible because my husband makes a lot of money, so now I'm not a bad parent because I work part time, but parents with no time are still bad parents."

+1. PP is a dope. “Everyone should quit their jobs like me!”

Signed, FT working mom who outsources everything and under-schedules my kids so I can actually spend time with them

Is there an element of truth to her observation? Maybe it is better for kids if one parent works part time or not at all. There must be research (or maybe not, if no one really wants to know what I suspect is true).

You can't say it out loud but yes, it is better for one parent to have not as stressful hours/demanding job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Parents are addicted to screens too and spend a lot of time on their phone instead of parenting. They are totally checked out from their kids. They don’t correct behavior, they don’t supplement education at home, there is no learning going on home bc kids are plopped in front of TV/iPad the minute they return home from school or an activity. There is very little parental engagement going on. Parents are even too lazy to actually cook food for their kids too now. Free school breakfast, free lunch, what next?

+ 1,000 I WAS one of these parents until I became chronically ill and had to give up my job to take care of myself so that I can live. Wow! I had NO idea how much time was spent carting kids from place to place, zoning out on my phone, watching TV, and doing anything but being engaged with my kids. When I was ill, I had to stop and slow down. I began to form relationships with my kids again. They were good kids but now they are great kids! We talk, garden, cook, do crafts, and I even do homework with them (I let them quiz me or play student). WE focus on staying healthy and cook meal together, eat together, and go to bed at decent times, which I could not do working until 5p, running them to practice by 6p until 7:30p, grabbing Chipotle and CFL on the way home. I am so thankful for my illness because it illuminated a lot of shortcomings in me. Now, I cringe when I see parents doing the same thing I do because I know how they got there and it will take something catastrophic to change it. I am not going to lie and say it is easy though. When I was working, it seemed like time flew and I NEVER had enough time to do anything.

I'm sorry about your illness but what do you live on? Do you understand how difficult many of these things are for people who have jobs? Who have to work for various reasons?

Yeah, not having a job gives you a lot more time. Duh.

I went back to work part-time. My husband makes a very handsome salary so that I can stay home. I stated that I know how it is. Duh to you. I said I was a working parent for most of my parenthood. This is an illness that started 2 years ago. I stated that I WAS one of those parents. Calm down. Take a coffee break.

Do you have an ability to self-reflect? damn. "I was a bad parent, and then I started working part time, and that was possible because my husband makes a lot of money, so now I'm not a bad parent because I work part time, but parents with no time are still bad parents."

+1. PP is a dope. “Everyone should quit their jobs like me!”

Signed, FT working mom who outsources everything and under-schedules my kids so I can actually spend time with them

Is there an element of truth to her observation? Maybe it is better for kids if one parent works part time or not at all. There must be research (or maybe not, if no one really wants to know what I suspect is true).

You can't say it out loud but yes, it is better for one parent to have not as stressful hours/demanding job.

Ugh stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an 80s child and not sure if I agree. Do you remember 80s/90s parenting? In our household it was non stop sunny dlite, toaster struedels, snackwells, and gummy bears. Summer camps, if they existed at all, were not a thing in my family. My mom was a SAHM but I don’t remember her doing activities with us. We’d go to the library once in awhile. And I played softball once a week in the spring. Mostly I remember being on my own in the afternoons while she talked on the phone or napped.

How can it really be so different now?

Did your mom fail to sign permission slips when they came home? Something tells me the answer to that is no. I don’t think she was as checked out as you think she was.

Or were you chronically late or accumulating double digit absences (both excused & excused) each school year?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I agree. Parents are addicted to screens too and spend a lot of time on their phone instead of parenting. They are totally checked out from their kids. They don’t correct behavior, they don’t supplement education at home, there is no learning going on home bc kids are plopped in front of TV/iPad the minute they return home from school or an activity. There is very little parental engagement going on. Parents are even too lazy to actually cook food for their kids too now. Free school breakfast, free lunch, what next?

Lost me at the bolded. That is not what I meant.

Are you OP? Because I have to tell you, your post reads like a (probably White) teacher complaining about the behavioral problems of high-poverty (probably Black) kids. The solution that I have seen suggested on this site by people with similar complaints is sterilization of poor women. Is that what you are hoping for?

You’re responding to the wrong poster.

"I agree" poster is agreeing with the OP. I'm speaking to the OP, then. Is OP hoping for...idk....forced abortion according to IQ testing? Removal of children from their parents by force?

Not OP. I don’t know what the solution is. But I can you that throwing tons of tax payer money at it isn’t it. You can’t make up for poor parenting no matter how much money you throw at the failing schools and underperforming kids. Therefore, I would like to keep more of my money

You would like to defund public schools? Ok, Jan. I would like a green pony that poops money.

Defund no, but tons of money is wasted on extra programs with zero benefit

So, you want the "wasted money" reallocated to teachers or other "non-wasteful" (by your opinion) school programs? Or do you want it back into your pockets as you indicated you'd like to do?

If the latter, then that's the literal definition of defunding.

It isn’t defunding. Pay for the teachers, staff, buildings, materials, sports...normal school stuff. Stop inviting and funding additional “special programs” that are targeting to help further benefit and elevate poor kids and underperforming schools. They don’t work bc the root problem, as the topic says, is poor parenting.

Ok, so redirect the funds to go directly to parents to pay for food for kids, instead of funneling it through school. Then parenting classes, more supports for parents because 90% of poor parenting (as you put it) is just the result of parents not having time because they are working.

Solved.

We already do this. https://www.usa.gov/food-help
School lunches are merely doing double duty.

And you are kidding right? Lots of parents don't work all of time, in fact many don't work.

Sorry, again, what's your suggestion? Just complaining, right?

So you are suggesting that "bad" kids are kids of unemployed parents? Sounds like employment programs would be helpful, then, to solve the problem of parents that currently aren't working.

Please tell us, since you haven't:

1. what are the demographics of the parents you are thinking about?
2. what problem are you trying to solve?
3. what solution do you propose to solve whatever problem you are trying to solve?

I'm not that PP, I just wanted to remind folks that we already do pay parents to feed their children.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I agree. Parents are addicted to screens too and spend a lot of time on their phone instead of parenting. They are totally checked out from their kids. They don’t correct behavior, they don’t supplement education at home, there is no learning going on home bc kids are plopped in front of TV/iPad the minute they return home from school or an activity. There is very little parental engagement going on. Parents are even too lazy to actually cook food for their kids too now. Free school breakfast, free lunch, what next?

Lost me at the bolded. That is not what I meant.

Are you OP? Because I have to tell you, your post reads like a (probably White) teacher complaining about the behavioral problems of high-poverty (probably Black) kids. The solution that I have seen suggested on this site by people with similar complaints is sterilization of poor women. Is that what you are hoping for?

You’re responding to the wrong poster.

"I agree" poster is agreeing with the OP. I'm speaking to the OP, then. Is OP hoping for...idk....forced abortion according to IQ testing? Removal of children from their parents by force?

Not OP. I don’t know what the solution is. But I can you that throwing tons of tax payer money at it isn’t it. You can’t make up for poor parenting no matter how much money you throw at the failing schools and underperforming kids. Therefore, I would like to keep more of my money

You would like to defund public schools? Ok, Jan. I would like a green pony that poops money.

Defund no, but tons of money is wasted on extra programs with zero benefit

So, you want the "wasted money" reallocated to teachers or other "non-wasteful" (by your opinion) school programs? Or do you want it back into your pockets as you indicated you'd like to do?

If the latter, then that's the literal definition of defunding.

It isn’t defunding. Pay for the teachers, staff, buildings, materials, sports...normal school stuff. Stop inviting and funding additional “special programs” that are targeting to help further benefit and elevate poor kids and underperforming schools. They don’t work bc the root problem, as the topic says, is poor parenting.

Ok, so redirect the funds to go directly to parents to pay for food for kids, instead of funneling it through school. Then parenting classes, more supports for parents because 90% of poor parenting (as you put it) is just the result of parents not having time because they are working.

Solved.

Except that wouldn’t work. Because 90% of poor parenting isn’t bc of money- as pointed out early. Being a good parent is actual hard work. And parents- of all income levels are lazier than ever now. There are plenty of terrible wealthy parents too.

We can’t just put our hands in the air, though.

So if you've identified the problem as "lazy" parents, what is your solution to "lazy" parents? Tell us plainly, please. Or are you just complaining incessantly?

(I don't agree with this; I think parents are often exhausted, or maybe were never shown how to be supportive parents, and therefore just don't have the abilities and resources to do what you'd like.)

The children of lazy parents serve as examples to my boys of how not to act.

again, what's your suggestion?

Parents need to make sure homework is done. Tell their kids to behave in the classroom and pay attention. Ask the teacher for help, there is plenty of supplemental assistance available. If a parent can’t manage to do this, then all the money in the world isn’t going to help,

Nope. I am not willing to let kids get neglected if their parents don’t help.

You don’t have a choice. You can’t make parents do the hard work that being a good parent is. All the paid programs in the world won’t do it. But go ahead and keep thinking up new ways you can spend tax dollars. It won’t fix it.

So your solution is....? Please tell us. You are shooting down suggestions left and right, and then just reasserting that nothing will work. Well, either show us something that will or suggest it, in your mind.

It is the same as solving the obesity epidemic. It isn't possible. People have their own free will and personal choices. You can't make people do better, work harder, make better choices, be more disciplined, put down their phone, etc. if they don't want it for themselves/their kids. People will take whatever the easiest option is 99% of the time- unfortunately being a good parent is really hard work and takes a lot of personal effort.

And we have set up our society to remove the consequences for this. They don't need to "do better, work harder, make better choices or be more disciplined."

[Anonymous]

It is most of us parents. A lot of us don’t take responsibility for our kids behavior and actions. We don’t model at home how our children are supposed to treat people and teachers. We don’t even teach them how to dress for success and show the world that you care with how you present yourself. We put the blame on teachers all the time and never stick a mirror in front of ourselves and our children and realize that some times, or most times, we are the problem. It’s always blame someone else for our failures and stick it to whoever points it out to us.

The problem is feo cítele is the parents for the most part. It’s a cultural phenomenon that’s been ongoing for awhile that we can’t seem to realize and break from.

I’m a parent and even I recognize this. I see how horrible other peoples kids have been to mine and wonder how on earth they got that way. It comes from the home. You either condone certain behaviors or you don’t. And when kids go out in the real world, they are a reflection of you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I agree. Parents are addicted to screens too and spend a lot of time on their phone instead of parenting. They are totally checked out from their kids. They don’t correct behavior, they don’t supplement education at home, there is no learning going on home bc kids are plopped in front of TV/iPad the minute they return home from school or an activity. There is very little parental engagement going on. Parents are even too lazy to actually cook food for their kids too now. Free school breakfast, free lunch, what next?

Lost me at the bolded. That is not what I meant.

Are you OP? Because I have to tell you, your post reads like a (probably White) teacher complaining about the behavioral problems of high-poverty (probably Black) kids. The solution that I have seen suggested on this site by people with similar complaints is sterilization of poor women. Is that what you are hoping for?

You’re responding to the wrong poster.

"I agree" poster is agreeing with the OP. I'm speaking to the OP, then. Is OP hoping for...idk....forced abortion according to IQ testing? Removal of children from their parents by force?

Not OP. I don’t know what the solution is. But I can you that throwing tons of tax payer money at it isn’t it. You can’t make up for poor parenting no matter how much money you throw at the failing schools and underperforming kids. Therefore, I would like to keep more of my money

You would like to defund public schools? Ok, Jan. I would like a green pony that poops money.

Defund no, but tons of money is wasted on extra programs with zero benefit

So, you want the "wasted money" reallocated to teachers or other "non-wasteful" (by your opinion) school programs? Or do you want it back into your pockets as you indicated you'd like to do?

If the latter, then that's the literal definition of defunding.

It isn’t defunding. Pay for the teachers, staff, buildings, materials, sports...normal school stuff. Stop inviting and funding additional “special programs” that are targeting to help further benefit and elevate poor kids and underperforming schools. They don’t work bc the root problem, as the topic says, is poor parenting.

Ok, so redirect the funds to go directly to parents to pay for food for kids, instead of funneling it through school. Then parenting classes, more supports for parents because 90% of poor parenting (as you put it) is just the result of parents not having time because they are working.

Solved.

Except that wouldn’t work. Because 90% of poor parenting isn’t bc of money- as pointed out early. Being a good parent is actual hard work. And parents- of all income levels are lazier than ever now. There are plenty of terrible wealthy parents too.

We can’t just put our hands in the air, though.

So if you've identified the problem as "lazy" parents, what is your solution to "lazy" parents? Tell us plainly, please. Or are you just complaining incessantly?

(I don't agree with this; I think parents are often exhausted, or maybe were never shown how to be supportive parents, and therefore just don't have the abilities and resources to do what you'd like.)

The children of lazy parents serve as examples to my boys of how not to act.

again, what's your suggestion?

Parents need to make sure homework is done. Tell their kids to behave in the classroom and pay attention. Ask the teacher for help, there is plenty of supplemental assistance available. If a parent can’t manage to do this, then all the money in the world isn’t going to help,

Nope. I am not willing to let kids get neglected if their parents don’t help.

You don’t have a choice. You can’t make parents do the hard work that being a good parent is. All the paid programs in the world won’t do it. But go ahead and keep thinking up new ways you can spend tax dollars. It won’t fix it.

So your solution is....? Please tell us. You are shooting down suggestions left and right, and then just reasserting that nothing will work. Well, either show us something that will or suggest it, in your mind.

It is the same as solving the obesity epidemic. It isn't possible. People have their own free will and personal choices. You can't make people do better, work harder, make better choices, be more disciplined, put down their phone, etc. if they don't want it for themselves/their kids. People will take whatever the easiest option is 99% of the time- unfortunately being a good parent is really hard work and takes a lot of personal effort.

And we have set up our society to remove the consequences for this. They don't need to "do better, work harder, make better choices or be more disciplined."

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one else seeing all the racist dog whistles in this thread?

Aren't the people assuming that OP is talking about POC the racists though? Bc there are plenty of white kids who misbehave in class.
The thing I've heard from teachers (in schools with both low income and well off parents) is that parents don't seem to hold their kids accountable for their behaviors anymore. And yes, you have parents who don't care at all, but you also have bulldozer parents who hound teachers for giving their kids a B. Both lead to issues, no?

Put the thread in the context of another thread where a TA is imploring people to not send their kids to high-poverty schools, describing intense behavioral issues. Also the context of the thread itself, in which posters are saying that kids shouldn't get school lunch. Additionally, the OP doesn't actually say what the problem is (behavior? test scores?). So at least some people on this thread are basically saying that poor parents are bad parents (and their kids shouldn't receive school lunch, even). Couple all of that with the fact that in the DMV (where this forum is generated), there is a high correlation between income and race. So people talking about poor kids' behavior are talking about Black kids' behavior.

Plus the OP won't actually SAY what they are talking about when repeatedly asked, and won't say the demographics of the parents they are complaining about. Why is that. I think we know why.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Parents are addicted to screens too and spend a lot of time on their phone instead of parenting. They are totally checked out from their kids. They don’t correct behavior, they don’t supplement education at home, there is no learning going on home bc kids are plopped in front of TV/iPad the minute they return home from school or an activity. There is very little parental engagement going on. Parents are even too lazy to actually cook food for their kids too now. Free school breakfast, free lunch, what next?

Lost me at the bolded. That is not what I meant.

Are you OP? Because I have to tell you, your post reads like a (probably White) teacher complaining about the behavioral problems of high-poverty (probably Black) kids. The solution that I have seen suggested on this site by people with similar complaints is sterilization of poor women. Is that what you are hoping for?

You’re responding to the wrong poster.

"I agree" poster is agreeing with the OP. I'm speaking to the OP, then. Is OP hoping for...idk....forced abortion according to IQ testing? Removal of children from their parents by force?

Not OP. I don’t know what the solution is. But I can you that throwing tons of tax payer money at it isn’t it. You can’t make up for poor parenting no matter how much money you throw at the failing schools and underperforming kids. Therefore, I would like to keep more of my money

You would like to defund public schools? Ok, Jan. I would like a green pony that poops money.

Defund no, but tons of money is wasted on extra programs with zero benefit

Like what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an 80s child and not sure if I agree. Do you remember 80s/90s parenting? In our household it was non stop sunny dlite, toaster struedels, snackwells, and gummy bears. Summer camps, if they existed at all, were not a thing in my family. My mom was a SAHM but I don’t remember her doing activities with us. We’d go to the library once in awhile. And I played softball once a week in the spring. Mostly I remember being on my own in the afternoons while she talked on the phone or napped.

How can it really be so different now?

Did your mom fail to sign permission slips when they came home? Something tells me the answer to that is no. I don’t think she was as checked out as you think she was.

That's the thing, there were just not that many "sign this or your child wouldn't be able to...". My oldest and my youngest are 14 years apart. Even in that time span there was a significant increase in demands out on parents' executive functioning. There are more forms for camps, there are more de facto homework assignments for parents, things that have to be printed from or submitted online for elementary school, etc, etc. I am also an 80s child, and we could manage pretty well as long as our parents were not comatose at least some of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Even in that time span there was a significant increase in demands out on parents' executive functioning. There are more forms for camps, there are more de facto homework assignments for parents, things that have to be printed from or submitted online for elementary school, etc, etc.

Agree. My oldest and youngest are 10 years apart and it has really changed.

A couple of years ago I had to get a permission slip for an overnight trip notarized! I mean ... I'm sure this was in response to some incident sometime, but this is really over the top!

Also agree with poster from a few pages ago who responded to the complaint about parents not signing up for class dojo. I have 2 in school now and FIVE communication apps. It's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an 80s child and not sure if I agree. Do you remember 80s/90s parenting? In our household it was non stop sunny dlite, toaster struedels, snackwells, and gummy bears. Summer camps, if they existed at all, were not a thing in my family. My mom was a SAHM but I don’t remember her doing activities with us. We’d go to the library once in awhile. And I played softball once a week in the spring. Mostly I remember being on my own in the afternoons while she talked on the phone or napped.

How can it really be so different now?

Did your mom fail to sign permission slips when they came home? Something tells me the answer to that is no. I don’t think she was as checked out as you think she was.

That's the thing, there were just not that many "sign this or your child wouldn't be able to...". My oldest and my youngest are 14 years apart. Even in that time span there was a significant increase in demands out on parents' executive functioning. There are more forms for camps, there are more de facto homework assignments for parents, things that have to be printed from or submitted online for elementary school, etc, etc. I am also an 80s child, and we could manage pretty well as long as our parents were not comatose at least some of the time.

These basic things challenge your executive functioning. You should see someone about that. It's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an 80s child and not sure if I agree. Do you remember 80s/90s parenting? In our household it was non stop sunny dlite, toaster struedels, snackwells, and gummy bears. Summer camps, if they existed at all, were not a thing in my family. My mom was a SAHM but I don’t remember her doing activities with us. We’d go to the library once in awhile. And I played softball once a week in the spring. Mostly I remember being on my own in the afternoons while she talked on the phone or napped.

How can it really be so different now?

Did your mom fail to sign permission slips when they came home? Something tells me the answer to that is no. I don’t think she was as checked out as you think she was.

That's the thing, there were just not that many "sign this or your child wouldn't be able to...". My oldest and my youngest are 14 years apart. Even in that time span there was a significant increase in demands out on parents' executive functioning. There are more forms for camps, there are more de facto homework assignments for parents, things that have to be printed from or submitted online for elementary school, etc, etc. I am also an 80s child, and we could manage pretty well as long as our parents were not comatose at least some of the time.

These basic things challenge your executive functioning. You should see someone about that. It's not normal.

You are wrong. I totally agree with the PP. The demands on parents from school are far greater than they were even 10 years ago, and feel never ending. On top of that, there's a school calendar that has probably almost of month of days off, or early dismissals, which is more leave than most people have. I'm not sure if it is better now, but when my kids were in middle school, it would take me hours to look at their assignments and comments, as every teacher did it a different way and put these things in different places. Back in the day, there were textbooks that provided the basis for school work.

There was just a thread about how parent-teacher conference days are flex time for teachers. How they use that time is an employment decision, but no one considers the impact on working families. You've got multiple kids who have time off from school due to the parent-teacher conference days. Some of the teachers are only offering evenings, others only offer conferences during the day, while others offer before school. So you've got to map all of this out, aligning it with work and childcare schedules, which exacerbates the mental load.

Even little things, like dressing for spirit weeks when kids are little are work for parents. We didn't have all of these things back in the day.

I have worked part-time for years to give myself more time to be involved with my kids' education. I can attest that even with part-time work and an involved spouse with decent flexibility, the demands on parents are difficult to manage. And that's my view, coming from a place of privilege. If you don't have any of those advantages, I understand why parents become overwhelmed and check out. I've also felt at times that the pressure to be a "good parent," meaning attentive to my kids' education and providing support at school, actually made me a worse parent because the stress took away from being present for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an 80s child and not sure if I agree. Do you remember 80s/90s parenting? In our household it was non stop sunny dlite, toaster struedels, snackwells, and gummy bears. Summer camps, if they existed at all, were not a thing in my family. My mom was a SAHM but I don’t remember her doing activities with us. We’d go to the library once in awhile. And I played softball once a week in the spring. Mostly I remember being on my own in the afternoons while she talked on the phone or napped.

How can it really be so different now?

Did your mom fail to sign permission slips when they came home? Something tells me the answer to that is no. I don’t think she was as checked out as you think she was.

That's the thing, there were just not that many "sign this or your child wouldn't be able to...". My oldest and my youngest are 14 years apart. Even in that time span there was a significant increase in demands out on parents' executive functioning. There are more forms for camps, there are more de facto homework assignments for parents, things that have to be printed from or submitted online for elementary school, etc, etc. I am also an 80s child, and we could manage pretty well as long as our parents were not comatose at least some of the time.

These basic things challenge your executive functioning. You should see someone about that. It's not normal.

You are wrong. I totally agree with the PP. The demands on parents from school are far greater than they were even 10 years ago, and feel never ending. On top of that, there's a school calendar that has probably almost of month of days off, or early dismissals, which is more leave than most people have. I'm not sure if it is better now, but when my kids were in middle school, it would take me hours to look at their assignments and comments, as every teacher did it a different way and put these things in different places. Back in the day, there were textbooks that provided the basis for school work.

There was just a thread about how parent-teacher conference days are flex time for teachers. How they use that time is an employment decision, but no one considers the impact on working families. You've got multiple kids who have time off from school due to the parent-teacher conference days. Some of the teachers are only offering evenings, others only offer conferences during the day, while others offer before school. So you've got to map all of this out, aligning it with work and childcare schedules, which exacerbates the mental load.

Even little things, like dressing for spirit weeks when kids are little are work for parents. We didn't have all of these things back in the day.

I have worked part-time for years to give myself more time to be involved with my kids' education. I can attest that even with part-time work and an involved spouse with decent flexibility, the demands on parents are difficult to manage. And that's my view, coming from a place of privilege. If you don't have any of those advantages, I understand why parents become overwhelmed and check out. I've also felt at times that the pressure to be a "good parent," meaning attentive to my kids' education and providing support at school, actually made me a worse parent because the stress took away from being present for them.

+1

Whatever the issue is, from obesity to public health to mental health challenges in youth, I’m always struck by the number of presumably ordinary people deeply invested in gaslighting those who struggle by blaming them for living in a broken society.