DS Wants to Transfer, DH Pushing Back

[Anonymous]

My DS loved the vibe at Tufts (he is into the humanities), likes Boston, winter sports. It would have been his first choice had his dad not pushed him toward Emory (his alma mater). DS says he is miserable there (hates Atlanta, feels like the vibe is really pre-professional — his roommate is gunning for the business school which adds to the perception, he misses being about to hit the slopes in a couple of hours).

When he said he wanted to apply to Tufts as a transfer student DH gave the whole spiel of him not giving Emory a true chance, stick it out a couple of years then transfer if still unhappy, it’s just your roommate, expand your horizons and try new sports, etc.)

What he is saying isn’t necessarily wrong, but I do feel like DS knows himself well enough where if he really wants to try to transfer, he should do it.

My DH is giving me the “you’re not showing a united front” speech and thinks I should encourage DS to give it more of a chance and he will grow to like it. He also likes to point out we are full pay so he feels he has the right to push where he wants DS to go.

I’m getting pulled in both directions. I know no one can help me here, I am just venting and maybe posting to see if anyone else dealt with this. And of course I know if he does apply to Tufts he may not get in, but I do think with his stats he would have a real chance.

[Anonymous]

Oh damn, OP. I’m so sorry. You really need to be there for your son. This is a tough needle to thread.

I would invest my energy in some focused paraphrasing with your spouse. These are some things to consider having ready to say when you talk about it:

“So you’re saying our son’s feelings should be dismissed?”

“Your feeling is that if I don’t push our son to stay at Emory when he’s expressed legitimate reasons for leaving, I don’t support you. Is that correct?”

“I’m wondering why you’re not seeing this as a good thing that our son is mature enough to articulate what he needs. It appears as if you’re seeing it as a rejection of your experience at Emory. Why can’t you both have really good college experiences at two different schools?”

“You want the very best for him and are struggling to see how he can get a better experience at a different school. You had such an amazing experience at Emory and want him to have that. It makes perfect sense that you want that for him. I’m just wondering if there isn’t room for him to have just as an amazing experience at Tufts.”

“If we push Larlo to dismiss his feelings and just suck it up, I wonder if that will help our relationship with him or hurt it. When someone has dismissed how you felt, did that bring you closer to them or push you away?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS loved the vibe at Tufts (he is into the humanities), likes Boston, winter sports. It would have been his first choice had his dad not pushed him toward Emory (his alma mater). DS says he is miserable there (hates Atlanta, feels like the vibe is really pre-professional — his roommate is gunning for the business school which adds to the perception, he misses being about to hit the slopes in a couple of hours).

When he said he wanted to apply to Tufts as a transfer student DH gave the whole spiel of him not giving Emory a true chance, stick it out a couple of years then transfer if still unhappy, it’s just your roommate, expand your horizons and try new sports, etc.)

What he is saying isn’t necessarily wrong, but I do feel like DS knows himself well enough where if he really wants to try to transfer, he should do it.

My DH is giving me the “you’re not showing a united front” speech and thinks I should encourage DS to give it more of a chance and he will grow to like it. He also likes to point out we are full pay so he feels he has the right to push where he wants DS to go.

I’m getting pulled in both directions. I know no one can help me here, I am just venting and maybe posting to see if anyone else dealt with this. And of course I know if he does apply to Tufts he may not get in, but I do think with his stats he would have a real chance.

That sounds like a really difficult situation, but that you're navigating it about as well as anyone could. One thing you might point out to DH is that if DS continues to be unhappy at Emory he's likely to later feel some not insignificant resentment toward any inflexibility that kept him there. Also, the longer DS waits to transfer, the less time he will have to establish a social life at Tufts, which might make the experience there less than it could have been. And IMO the 'united front' and 'I'm paying' arguments are selfish and foolish, but my experience is that it would be difficult to get someone who makes these types of arguments to see the folly of their ways.

FYI, according to Tufts' most recent Common Data Set, the most recent year's data says they received 1063 transfer applications and accepted 298. Some schools take almost no transfers, so that's very good odds if DS does end up applying. If he was admitted the first time around, too, then I would think that would help.

[Anonymous]

So, let him apply. Do some sleuthing on your own to see when transfer applications are due and notification dates. I would NOT be involved in the transfer process and don’t give him a heads up of deadlines. If your young adult son wants to make a change, it’s on him, especially if you and your spouse were involved in the first application process. Wanting to make a change and actually doing it are 2 different things.

Your situation was why I let my kids decide where they wanted to attend, not where we thought was best.

[Anonymous]

He should apply to transfer and give Emory a chance meanwhile. See what happens. He may feel differently by spring in which case he can decide to stay. I would wait until he has a transfer acceptance to have any more conversations about this.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my mom wanted to transfer to a different college, her parents prevented her by saying they wouldn’t pay for the new school, and it was still a thorn decades later.

[Anonymous]

The dad should let his kid live his own life.

[Anonymous]

My Mom transferred, her parents really did not support it.
Mom rates it as her best decision ever made in her life.
She still talks about it decades later.

She transferred from Denison to Penn State. She loved, loved, loved Penn State. Her parents thought it was a huge downgrade.

Have your son do all of the legwork. That is what Mom did.
Have your son do all of the paperwork and have your son move his things.

[Anonymous]

Your son should just apply and then deal with convincing you both if/when he gets in. Your husband sounds really controlling but I don’t think your son needs either of you to apply so it’s not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Have your kid start the application now. Staying longer won't change things.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. If you son sticks it out he will find joy in where he is if he wants to. You really need to give something a chance.

Your son is right. When something doesn't feel right you should be courageous to say, this is not working and make a change.

There is no harm in applying. It at least delays the discussion until he either get accepted or not. If not, you save yourself the argument.

As for the "united front" BS. ... Your H and your son have their own relationship and it does not go through you, truthfully you don't care where he goes. So you say, this is between you two, you can't go through me on this one. I support and understand your viewpoint and I support and understand his viewpoint.

Neither answer is wrong and I think many competitive people (men) believe somebody wins and somebody loses in every "disagreement", but the reality, there is not right and wrong... there are just opinions.

Your son will eventually make a decision and it will have consequences... neither good nor bad just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad should let his kid live his own life.

^^ this. Son is going to start resenting dad if he keeps this up (if he doesn't already)

[Anonymous]

An anecdote for consideration: Im from the South and started college at a Southern school. I hated it from week one, made me feel claustrophobic and crushed my spirit. It wasn’t any one thing, it was a thousand small things. Not my people. I transferred to a mid Atlantic school after one year. I am eternally grateful my parents supported me, 30 years later and I still feel gratitude that I moved.

[Anonymous]

Tufts has a very pre-professional vibe too. So do many top schools - the kids who are accepted are competitive and gunning for the next brass ring.

The problem for your son is that he hasn't found his people. He may not know who his people are! But changing schools doesn't guarantee he'll find them either.

I went to Penn and became miserable and homesick around this time my freshman year. After visiting a sibling at a small (and much less competitive school) I was done -I wanted one of those places where 'everybody knows your name' and where it didn't feel so cutthroat and lonely. By the time I got my act together it was too late to transfer for sophomore year but I was planning to go abroad second semester and then leave. Instead when I came back in the fall, I took a chance on joining an activity and everything changed for me. I found my people and loved every minute of the next three years.

That may not be your kid, but it's a pretty common story. My parents were great - they didn't hover or push me one way or the other, they did get me to a therapist to talk about being lonely as well as to a college counselor to consider my transfer options.

The one piece of advice for you is to try to push your kid from tunnel vision around Tufts. It's one thing to dislike your circumstances, but it's problematic to assume that there's one magic school out there that will make you happy. He could get to Tufts and realize no one goes skiing on weekends because they're all studying or hanging out locally. He could have trouble making friends because kids have already formed their packs. He might go through all this change only to realize it wasn't the school that was the problem.

If it were my kid I'd really push him to figure out what would make him happier and to consider a range of different possibilities (including a range of potential transfer schools) to solve that problem. Because I guarantee that he won't find much difference between Emory and Tufts except for the weather.

[Anonymous]

Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.