DS Wants to Transfer, DH Pushing Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband sounds selfish. Does he try to control everyone in the family?

Your first mistake (as a couple) was not letting your child pick his own college (assuming you could afford all options). Now you are likely paying the price for that. I wish your husband had the self awareness and humility to see his fault in all of this.

I suggest you let the kid apply, but share some of the sentiments/anecdotes on this post (i.e., remind him that it won't necessarily be a magic bullet).

+1

Assuming the financials work, it's the first adult decision they make (and must own). Taking that away from him was a huge mistake.

[Anonymous]

Family Zoom meeting to get everyone on the same page.

Remind your husband privately that he can’t re-live his 20s through the kid and that you are now past the “telling the kid what to do” stage. And, that having a good adult relationship means supporting his decisions unless they are actually harms (think drugs, not Tufts). Otherwise, you will end up shut out of the kids life.

Remind your kid that he is an adult and no one can stop him from applying to transfer. And that if he gets it together enough to transfer and gets in (which not a guarantee for a school like Tufts!j you will consider his proposal to transfer, with things like cost and graduating on time factoring in.

I do think it’s on the kid to deal with the transfer logistics. Step back and see if he wants it enough to make it happen.

I don’t think it’s worth a fight unless and until he is accepted, no matter how good his stats are.

I do think if money don’t an issue, Tufts does a decent job in his major, etc, then it’s your kids college and your kids choice.

The big thing is that at some point you and DH have to get on the same page about how much you can dictate to an adult kid. Might as well be now. If he won’t budge and is determined to force an adult to stay at a school he hates, there is a large issue going on, and these control issues will resurface. It’s time for some family/marriage counseling while the transfer app goes through.

[Anonymous]

I know I am way in the minority here but I think the kid should stay put, work hard, take classes in the summer and graduate early.

I don't agree that everything around you needs to make you happy every second and if not, you whine for a disruptive change until everyone complies. This is very entitled.

The kid probably should not have been pushed to a school they really didn't want, but you're here now.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t making the decision, but can’t your son apply with the agreement that he’ll try to make the best out of emory while he awaits the transfer decision - perhaps even negotiate that he join 1 club or intramural this winter. By the time he gets the Tufts decision, he might be happier at Wmory. Or if he still wants Tufts, hopefully your dh will see this isn’t a “grass is always greener” based decision and will support the transfer.

[Anonymous]

While he is looking into transferring, encourage him to join as many things as he finds interesting at his current college. Have multiple irons in the fire as one activity may not click with him whereas another might fit better.

I spent freshman year at a well known LARGE university and felt totally lost. Didn't get along with my roommate, acquaintances I met were very "easy come, easy go." I was miserable. I was trying to be out of my dorm room as much as possible, so I joined any activities I found interesting. It was slow going but I found a few that were a good fit. As the years passed, I had several leadership positions in these groups and met a lot of people. I graduated from this university, feeling like it really was my home.

I am planning to encourage my kids to get involved in activities iin their freshman years, It really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tufts has a very pre-professional vibe too. So do many top schools - the kids who are accepted are competitive and gunning for the next brass ring.

The problem for your son is that he hasn't found his people. He may not know who his people are! But changing schools doesn't guarantee he'll find them either.

I went to Penn and became miserable and homesick around this time my freshman year. After visiting a sibling at a small (and much less competitive school) I was done -I wanted one of those places where 'everybody knows your name' and where it didn't feel so cutthroat and lonely. By the time I got my act together it was too late to transfer for sophomore year but I was planning to go abroad second semester and then leave. Instead when I came back in the fall, I took a chance on joining an activity and everything changed for me. I found my people and loved every minute of the next three years.

That may not be your kid, but it's a pretty common story. My parents were great - they didn't hover or push me one way or the other, they did get me to a therapist to talk about being lonely as well as to a college counselor to consider my transfer options.

The one piece of advice for you is to try to push your kid from tunnel vision around Tufts. It's one thing to dislike your circumstances, but it's problematic to assume that there's one magic school out there that will make you happy. He could get to Tufts and realize no one goes skiing on weekends because they're all studying or hanging out locally. He could have trouble making friends because kids have already formed their packs. He might go through all this change only to realize it wasn't the school that was the problem.

If it were my kid I'd really push him to figure out what would make him happier and to consider a range of different possibilities (including a range of potential transfer schools) to solve that problem. Because I guarantee that he won't find much difference between Emory and Tufts except for the weather.

So curious what activity at Penn changed things for you? I went to Penn quite some time ago and I have mixed feelings, not sure if I should even encourage my kids to look at it (not that getting in is at all likely these days)

PP here, sorry to sidetrack but it may help a bit. I got involved with the school newspaper (the DP for Penn people.) I went to a big meeting my freshman year but there was so much else going on that I didn't really try it until the beginning of my sophomore year. The nice part of the newspaper is that they gave me an assignment, I did it, and then they gave me another assignment. Which for a neurotic and perhaps slightly passive/shy person made it easier to get more involved - I didn't have to "join" per se, I took it one story at a time until I was hooked. I wound up as one of the editors and while I didn't go into journalism, the experience gave me really sharp (and quick) writing skills and wonderful friends. The difference in my Penn experience was like night and day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why your DH pushed so hard for Emory over Tufts. They are basically equivalent schools. Now, Normal freshman adjustment is being seen through the lens of him going to his second choice school.

Exactly. It sounds like the husband wanted this poor kid to "follow in his footsteps," how self-centered!

seriously, he sounds like a narcissist

+1 Seems to be all about your husband here who, I’m sorry to say, sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but does your husband have controlling tendencies?

I'm just seeing some, well, maybe not red flags, but yellow flags, in what you're saying.

He pushed his son (successfully!) to go to a school that wasn't a good fit for him, just because, essentially, DH liked Emory? Had some ego invested? Because it was best for him (your DH) and he assumed, thus, that it was best for everyone?

He's now pushing him to stay, despite your son giving it a chance.

And when you say your son has a point, he says "you need to be a united front" - well, then why does that mean you have to be united around what DH thinks is best? Why can't you be united in encouraging your son to do what's best for him?

Plus holding the purse strings over a young adult's head when you're talking about two responsible decisions (Tufts vs. Emory) - I mean it's one thing if he wants to drop out and become a YouTube star and expects you to bankroll it, or if he wanted to get a degree in violin performance from the local community college, well, okay. But to hold the purse strings for college choice between two respectable options? That's over the top.

Assuming this is the case, you need to stand up for your son, and take whatever blowback you get from your husband. It's time to start standing up to him, and giving your son the chance to chart his own path. I would say that to DH, first - it's reasonable that he be given a chance to respond, and the opportunity to find some middle ground if the united front thing is a real concern of his. But stand firm. Your son is an adult. He can make his own choices, and you support him in that. You may want to talk to a therapist as you start this process, particularly if you've been bending to DH's desires as a general rule over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why your DH pushed so hard for Emory over Tufts. They are basically equivalent schools. Now, Normal freshman adjustment is being seen through the lens of him going to his second choice school.

Exactly. It sounds like the husband wanted this poor kid to "follow in his footsteps," how self-centered!

seriously, he sounds like a narcissist

+1 Seems to be all about your husband here who, I’m sorry to say, sounds like a jerk.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad should let his kid live his own life.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read the entire thread, but here is my take.


Remind your husband that a person only has ONE college experience and to force your son to stay in an unhappy environment which is a poor fit is really unfair and could create a lot of resentment in the future.

Another thing to consider is your son's mental health. With COVID, we are seeing spiking numbers of mental health issues. He might already be dealing with some depression and to force him to stay in this situation could put him over the edge. I don't know your son, but I know that many boys this age do not show their feelings that overtly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.

Wow, glad you weren't helping me make my decisions growing up.

The decision was made long ago to accept and attend Emroy. This isn't about making decisions it's about being a snowflake.

The decision was made less than a year ago under what sounds like intense pressure from an overbearing parent. Calling someone a spoiled brat or a snowflake when the decision was never fully theirs in the first place is unfair.

No it's not unfair, it's just practical. Kid has gone to a terrific college and is whining about his room mate and the "atmosphere". He's been there how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.

Wow, glad you weren't helping me make my decisions growing up.

The decision was made long ago to accept and attend Emroy. This isn't about making decisions it's about being a snowflake.

The decision was made less than a year ago under what sounds like intense pressure from an overbearing parent. Calling someone a spoiled brat or a snowflake when the decision was never fully theirs in the first place is unfair.

No it's not unfair, it's just practical. Kid has gone to a terrific college and is whining about his room mate and the "atmosphere". He's been there how long?

This sounds like an Emory booster.

[Anonymous]

It's so important for parents to recognize their young adult kids' agency. That sets the tone for the new phase in your relationship -- one that will (hopefully) last well beyond the years you've spent parenting up till now. If your DH is using money to try to squash your son's autonomy and self-confidence, that doesn't establish a great foundation for moving forward. Instead, recognize your son's feelings, encourage him to pursue the transfer as a possible solution, and -- at the same time -- encourage him to make the best of his current situation at Emory. When the admissions decision comes in, you can talk about his choice -- but it is his choice, not your husband's. If your son is accepted at Tufts and wants to transfer, your husband would be smart and loving to back him in this decision and wish him all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but does your husband have controlling tendencies?

I'm just seeing some, well, maybe not red flags, but yellow flags, in what you're saying.

He pushed his son (successfully!) to go to a school that wasn't a good fit for him, just because, essentially, DH liked Emory? Had some ego invested? Because it was best for him (your DH) and he assumed, thus, that it was best for everyone?

He's now pushing him to stay, despite your son giving it a chance.

And when you say your son has a point, he says "you need to be a united front" - well, then why does that mean you have to be united around what DH thinks is best? Why can't you be united in encouraging your son to do what's best for him?

Plus holding the purse strings over a young adult's head when you're talking about two responsible decisions (Tufts vs. Emory) - I mean it's one thing if he wants to drop out and become a YouTube star and expects you to bankroll it, or if he wanted to get a degree in violin performance from the local community college, well, okay. But to hold the purse strings for college choice between two respectable options? That's over the top.

Assuming this is the case, you need to stand up for your son, and take whatever blowback you get from your husband. It's time to start standing up to him, and giving your son the chance to chart his own path. I would say that to DH, first - it's reasonable that he be given a chance to respond, and the opportunity to find some middle ground if the united front thing is a real concern of his. But stand firm. Your son is an adult. He can make his own choices, and you support him in that. You may want to talk to a therapist as you start this process, particularly if you've been bending to DH's desires as a general rule over the years.

Very well articulated.