DS Wants to Transfer, DH Pushing Back

[Anonymous]

I could never understand these "kid couldn't do well because it was not kid's dream school" posts.

[Anonymous]

Transfer. Support him. I did and one of the best things I ever did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.

Wow, glad you weren't helping me make my decisions growing up.

[Anonymous]

This is normal. He didn't like the start he got at his school and going to a new let's him get a do over. This is really a thing and thousands of college students do it. I was one of them.

In retrospect, I realize that living at school was hard and it was an adjustment and that it just kind of sucked. I had grown up with people just like me, who did things just like me, and now I was having to deal with the fact that my way wasn't the only and best way. Looking back when I transferred, I loved my new school but after about a year I kind of felt the same as I had at my first school but there was no way I could ever say anything because I had made such a fuss about transferring and the school being perfect, and so on.

I really do wish my parents had said no to transferring. I would have been mad at the time but I know I would have settled in. I was depressed but switching schools only helped for a little while. I should have went to the counseling center which was suggested but I refused believing that if I just transferred things would be better.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband sounds selfish. Does he try to control everyone in the family?

Your first mistake (as a couple) was not letting your child pick his own college (assuming you could afford all options). Now you are likely paying the price for that. I wish your husband had the self awareness and humility to see his fault in all of this.

I suggest you let the kid apply, but share some of the sentiments/anecdotes on this post (i.e., remind him that it won't necessarily be a magic bullet).

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why your DH pushed so hard for Emory over Tufts. They are basically equivalent schools. Now, Normal freshman adjustment is being seen through the lens of him going to his second choice school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tufts has a very pre-professional vibe too. So do many top schools - the kids who are accepted are competitive and gunning for the next brass ring.

The problem for your son is that he hasn't found his people. He may not know who his people are! But changing schools doesn't guarantee he'll find them either.

I went to Penn and became miserable and homesick around this time my freshman year. After visiting a sibling at a small (and much less competitive school) I was done -I wanted one of those places where 'everybody knows your name' and where it didn't feel so cutthroat and lonely. By the time I got my act together it was too late to transfer for sophomore year but I was planning to go abroad second semester and then leave. Instead when I came back in the fall, I took a chance on joining an activity and everything changed for me. I found my people and loved every minute of the next three years.

That may not be your kid, but it's a pretty common story. My parents were great - they didn't hover or push me one way or the other, they did get me to a therapist to talk about being lonely as well as to a college counselor to consider my transfer options.

The one piece of advice for you is to try to push your kid from tunnel vision around Tufts. It's one thing to dislike your circumstances, but it's problematic to assume that there's one magic school out there that will make you happy. He could get to Tufts and realize no one goes skiing on weekends because they're all studying or hanging out locally. He could have trouble making friends because kids have already formed their packs. He might go through all this change only to realize it wasn't the school that was the problem.

If it were my kid I'd really push him to figure out what would make him happier and to consider a range of different possibilities (including a range of potential transfer schools) to solve that problem. Because I guarantee that he won't find much difference between Emory and Tufts except for the weather.

So curious what activity at Penn changed things for you? I went to Penn quite some time ago and I have mixed feelings, not sure if I should even encourage my kids to look at it (not that getting in is at all likely these days)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why your DH pushed so hard for Emory over Tufts. They are basically equivalent schools. Now, Normal freshman adjustment is being seen through the lens of him going to his second choice school.

Exactly. It sounds like the husband wanted this poor kid to "follow in his footsteps," how self-centered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad should let his kid live his own life.

This! Why was he pressured to go to Emory in the first place? So selfish of the dad. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Kids should chose their college, not parents. DH needs to stop forcing his own academic choices onto DS. It's DS's life. DH lived his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why your DH pushed so hard for Emory over Tufts. They are basically equivalent schools. Now, Normal freshman adjustment is being seen through the lens of him going to his second choice school.

Exactly. It sounds like the husband wanted this poor kid to "follow in his footsteps," how self-centered!

seriously, he sounds like a narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.

Wow, glad you weren't helping me make my decisions growing up.

The decision was made long ago to accept and attend Emroy. This isn't about making decisions it's about being a snowflake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.

Wow, glad you weren't helping me make my decisions growing up.

The decision was made long ago to accept and attend Emroy. This isn't about making decisions it's about being a snowflake.

The decision was made less than a year ago under what sounds like intense pressure from an overbearing parent. Calling someone a spoiled brat or a snowflake when the decision was never fully theirs in the first place is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is being a spoiled brat and you're enabling this.
He should apply to Tufts for post grad. and get on with what he has to do now.

And change his room mate.

Wow, glad you weren't helping me make my decisions growing up.

The decision was made long ago to accept and attend Emroy. This isn't about making decisions it's about being a snowflake.

But the wrong person made the decision. The person who had to actually attend college had no vote!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS loved the vibe at Tufts (he is into the humanities), likes Boston, winter sports. It would have been his first choice had his dad not pushed him toward Emory (his alma mater). DS says he is miserable there (hates Atlanta, feels like the vibe is really pre-professional — his roommate is gunning for the business school which adds to the perception, he misses being about to hit the slopes in a couple of hours).

When he said he wanted to apply to Tufts as a transfer student DH gave the whole spiel of him not giving Emory a true chance, stick it out a couple of years then transfer if still unhappy, it’s just your roommate, expand your horizons and try new sports, etc.)

What he is saying isn’t necessarily wrong, but I do feel like DS knows himself well enough where if he really wants to try to transfer, he should do it.

My DH is giving me the “you’re not showing a united front” speech and thinks I should encourage DS to give it more of a chance and he will grow to like it. He also likes to point out we are full pay so he feels he has the right to push where he wants DS to go.

I’m getting pulled in both directions. I know no one can help me here, I am just venting and maybe posting to see if anyone else dealt with this. And of course I know if he does apply to Tufts he may not get in, but I do think with his stats he would have a real chance.

Assuming you have no financial objections, your DS needs to drive this decision and process. Your DH needs to step back.