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[quote=Anonymous]S/O of the incapable thread:

When my DH is sick or has had surgery, I prep him meals in advance, put on fresh sheets, make sure he has phone chargers, buy snacks he likes, his favorite flavor of Gatorade, etc. I keep the house running quietly in the background so he can recover.

I have a slightly scary outpatient surgery under general anesthesia coming up this week. It was scheduled without my input because of covid constraints and I cannot postpone it. It will take me out anywhere from a few days to 6 weeks depending on incision depth, what they find, and how I heal.

I have been scrambling to get the kid stuff prepared in advance, the house clean and organized, and the usual weekly chores and errands dealt with ahead of time. But as I’ve been hustling around tonight, I walked my my DH just sitting and watching football with not a care in the world. It’s reminding me of when I had my baby and how useless and self-centered he was then. It was such a stressful time but I had no choice but to power through because I had an infant relying on me. Against my better judgement, I asked my DH tonight if he had a plan for meals, feeding me, chores, kid activity schedule, school lunches, etc. He looked at me blankly and then said “tell me what I have to do” and then got grouchy when I said that I was too tired give him a meal plan and menu and that it felt like I had to take care of everything..

I am drowning in things I have to get done to be able to even take time off for this surgery and I’m realizing that he isn’t capable of taking care of me- not just physically but he doesn’t have the executive functioning skills or motivation to figure out how to.  We don’t have relatives who are young enough to fly out and help keep the house running. My local friends are: in daycare quarantine, dealing with a spouse or parent’s death (2) , or actively getting treatment for cancer (3, no joke) so it would be insane to ask them for help. Part of the reason I have to have this surgery is because I didn’t heal properly after childbirth because I didn’t stay off my feet and rest. A friend said her medical insurance once covered a visiting caretaker, but she had to certify that she lived alone and it was at least 10 years ago. My friends in the UK stay in the hospital 2-3 days for similar surgeries and have visiting nurses at home who follow up. I can’t find anything similar through our insurance and we couldn’t afford it out of pocket.

Has anyone been in this situation? Obviously divorce will not be especially helpful at this juncture, but other than that, what can I do to get him to be proactive and care? How do I recover if I don’t have someone to take care of me? I’m suddenly realizing how alone I’ll be in my recovery and I’m freaked out.[/quote]

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