DH wants to pay for his older sister’s intervention and inpatient rehab

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What's the sister's insurance situation?

Almost every insurance plan has some kind of substance abuse plan. Even Medicaid. It might be a little gritty. And it's quite common for insurance companies to kick people out of rehab after two weeks if they deem them detoxed and cured.

But what you want is detox and a stable environment for a few weeks as their brains and bodies readjust from addiction.

Check the insurance. The most important thing though is a willingness by the sister to be done with it and be committed to getting through those early weeks, which suck. The brain is not your friend at this time.

But I would not spend a nickel on someone who doesn't want to change. For a lot of people that got sucked into addiction, rehab is such a relief. Safe detox. A community of people dealing with the same thing. And they move on with their lives.

Some don't want the help though. And will relapse the moment they get out.

Does the sister feel like she's done with this road? If yes, there are options. If no, waste of money.

No. SIL does not have interest in getting off the meds.

And does not acknowledge that anything is wrong.

Oh- then why is DH trying to throw money at this problem? Every recovered addict will tell you that you can only choose recovery for YOURSELF. Not your spouse/kids/family/anyone else. Google Rob Lowe and Robert Downey Jr, both of them have spoken openly about addiction and sobriety and how they finally got clean. Your DH means well but needs a reality check.

Yes, I know this. This is DH’s idea, not mine. And I want to support him, but he at least needs to consider shopping around instead of throwing away thousands and thousands of dollars that we don’t even have like it’s nothing.

Does he even have a plan for you to approve? It sounds like he just wants moral support and instead you harp on his sister being awful and he shrugs. Maybe he just wants some acknowledgement from you that you consider his sister a human being worthy of living. If you did thwt, then you could open a conversation on spending limits and plans.

No, he doesn’t have a plan at all. That’s part of my issue with this entire thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you and your husband have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of this thread, I paid for my sister's rehab in 2019. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/835686.page

The truth was that the rehab cost $6,500 and not $2,500 back in 2019 but I was too ashamed to even admit that then on DCUM. We paid it because my mother was crying to me nonstop about how she couldn't afford it. My sister's DH was threatening to get custody of the kids if she didn't go. So she did this out patient 30 day program where she went 5 days a week for 8 hours (like it as a job) and she worked on the weekends (she's an RN).

My sister did not take it seriously and was still drinking until about a year ago when being "sober" became trendy and all her friends were doing it. Whatever it takes, don't care. She still drinks now and then, but nothing like before. She still has all the personality quirks and is basically a dry drunk. She FINALLY got a full time job recently, 6 years later from my original thread.

My father died a year after my thread and I definitely think it is from the stress of her behavior. Addicts affect everything and everyone around them. If OP's SIL is not really ready, rehab won't work. I had to grey rock my sister and I would not pay for her rehab today. If OP doesn't want to do it, then she shouldn't have to pay either.

Ugh. Sorry you had to deal with that. That blows. Did sister even thank you?

[Anonymous]

as a parent of a kid in recovery, until she wants to go you are just wasting time and money. The success rate of recovery is low but even lower for interventions.

You have to have boundaries and you also have to realize that mental illness plays a major role in this.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

It’s consistent behavior that SIL has had her entire life. Changing after age 50 and taking responsibility for herself is not likely.

It sounds like she has ADHD.

Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not a health professional or her doctor, so can’t help her there.

A lot of people in that age group fell through the cracks because their parents did not have the knowledge and tools that existed since the millennials reached school-age. Gen X and earlier were labeled "hyper" or worse and ended up failing without family and educational support. I saw this first-hand with my brother (Gen X raised by Silent and Greatest Gen parents) vs. my nephew (millennial with doctor boomer parents) . Brother started struggling academically in middle school and never finished college, dropping out of a 4-year then private then community college despite being intelligent and socially adept. He was always late, procrastinated on papers and projects, failed to complete even mundane tasks, etc. He never was evaluated even as an adult because my parents didn't know better despite being college-educated themselves. He never married lived with them until they died a few years ago--a classic failure-to-launch. Nephew was able to graduate and has had a successful software career, married and just had a child.

[Anonymous]

OP 10 K for just the intervention sounds extremely high. It will not work if she isn’t interested. He’s just giving money to a company.

The bigger issue is that you and he need to sit down and plan out your finances. Do you have kids? Do you want them to go to college? Do you have emergency saving? Are you putting enough into retirement? Write down all the future expenses that you need to save for as well as your annual expenses. It sounds like your DH is emotional not logical.

Get a budget together and then show him how much discretionary income is free. Show him what sacrifices need to be made.

Next show him what private pay bailing out sister will cost. It’s not just the rehab but look up how many times the average addict needs to attend and multiple it by that number. Show him what taking on her rent, medical insurance, food and utilities, phone, streaming service, car payments will cost your family because I guarantee that is next. His sister will be a money pit and black hole that will destroy your family’s finances.

Either he realizes this after looking at the data or if still wants to sacrifice you and the kids for her, divorce him. Be clear that his choice is you and the kids or her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP 10 K for just the intervention sounds extremely high. It will not work if she isn’t interested. He’s just giving money to a company.

The bigger issue is that you and he need to sit down and plan out your finances. Do you have kids? Do you want them to go to college? Do you have emergency saving? Are you putting enough into retirement? Write down all the future expenses that you need to save for as well as your annual expenses. It sounds like your DH is emotional not logical.

Get a budget together and then show him how much discretionary income is free. Show him what sacrifices need to be made.

Next show him what private pay bailing out sister will cost. It’s not just the rehab but look up how many times the average addict needs to attend and multiple it by that number. Show him what taking on her rent, medical insurance, food and utilities, phone, streaming service, car payments will cost your family because I guarantee that is next. His sister will be a money pit and black hole that will destroy your family’s finances.

Either he realizes this after looking at the data or if still wants to sacrifice you and the kids for her, divorce him. Be clear that his choice is you and the kids or her.

I agree with this assessment. What are the trade-offs? Do you own a home? Do you have an emergency fund? Are 529 plans fully funded? Retirement? Where is the money coming from? What's your income relative to your DH's? There are a lot of questions, but ultimately, you may want to document that you are firmly opposed to spending marigal funds on this and if he acts unilterally, get a divorce and at least try to make the argument that he wasted marital funds and the amounts he spent should come off his half of the settlement (so if you started with $1m, and he pays $55k on this issue, you get $500k and he gets $445k). If he does this over your objections, then it's a current and future issue because he's unilaterally spending down marital funds. It probably wouldn't stop here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of this thread, I paid for my sister's rehab in 2019. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/835686.page

The truth was that the rehab cost $6,500 and not $2,500 back in 2019 but I was too ashamed to even admit that then on DCUM. We paid it because my mother was crying to me nonstop about how she couldn't afford it. My sister's DH was threatening to get custody of the kids if she didn't go. So she did this out patient 30 day program where she went 5 days a week for 8 hours (like it as a job) and she worked on the weekends (she's an RN).

My sister did not take it seriously and was still drinking until about a year ago when being "sober" became trendy and all her friends were doing it. Whatever it takes, don't care. She still drinks now and then, but nothing like before. She still has all the personality quirks and is basically a dry drunk. She FINALLY got a full time job recently, 6 years later from my original thread.

My father died a year after my thread and I definitely think it is from the stress of her behavior. Addicts affect everything and everyone around them. If OP's SIL is not really ready, rehab won't work. I had to grey rock my sister and I would not pay for her rehab today. If OP doesn't want to do it, then she shouldn't have to pay either.

Awwe, thanks for the update.

[Anonymous]

This would be a dealbreaker for me.
We do NOT pay for other people's issues. We would pay for our children's but not a sibling's. And if my husband could not give me a number and it was a financial burden for us, that would be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You are the WORST kind a person. A total POS. If his sister wants help for the love of g-d help her!

We can not afford it.

It’s her life. As someone who has lost a sibling I’d pay any amount of money to get them back.

+1. And our family, including my DH did help my sibling in many ways, financially and beyond. The loss is incredibly painful for my whole family, including my mother, surviving sibling and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the WORST kind a person. A total POS. If his sister wants help for the love of g-d help her!

We can not afford it.

It’s her life. As someone who has lost a sibling I’d pay any amount of money to get them back.

+1. And our family, including my DH did help my sibling in many ways, financially and beyond. The loss is incredibly painful for my whole family, including my mother, surviving sibling and spouse.

So your family helped but sibling still kept up the addictive behavior . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

it’s not petty. This signals to me that if OP’s SIL did get clean, she’d still not be self-sufficient so there would be ongoing requests from OP’s DH to help SIL. This could be the start of a never-ending stream of support going to the SIL. There are too many unknowns here for OP to agreed to signing up for thousands. She doesn’t know what SIL is addicted to, how much money she has left, if she has a degree, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His older sister is in mid-50’s and he suspects opioid addiction. ... has been late making her apartment payments the last few years (as evidenced by one eviction and now numerous proceedings from the apartment company against her).
...mother is living, retired (also never worked a day in her life), lives in a nice paid off condo, drives a Mercedes. I asked DH about her contribution to paying for her daughter and he seems to not want to broach it with her.

...

SIL is in her 50's and can't pay her rent. Does SIL have adult children? Married but separated? OP have kids with DH? MIL has a condo and nice car. Has MIL been giving SIL an allowance monthly? Pre rehab or medical SIL needs somewhere to live. DH won't broach the medical costs with MIL and since MIL drives around I assume she's competent.

DH must discuss SIL objectively with his mother: place to live, budget, medicaid...

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a good person.

[Anonymous]

Bad idea, from an addictions specialist. Very bad. There are many resources to pay for this when she is ready- insurance, Medicaid, other sources of funding.