Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One tip is to proactively put your plans on the calendar rather than trying to fit into the gaps in her family's schedule. Men are sometimes really lazy about planning and that's how they get stuck with the leftover time slots.

This is the correct answer. You need to be very proactive about calendaring your time with your grandkids since you have a much longer drive. You will need to say “No” to your GF and get comfortable dividing your time.

My dad lives halfway across the country. He sees my kids 1-2x per year. His wife’s grandkids live in the same town as them, so he’s around his grandkids constantly.

My mom lives on the west coast with her husband. She sees his grandkids way more often (they live a few hours away by car) and she only sees my kids 3-4x per year.

My wife’s mom and her 2nd husband are 10 minutes from us. My wife’s stepdad is basically the daily grandfather to my sons. We see him weekly, despite not being blood related. His grandkids are all older and he still sees them regularly, but not as often as my kids.

The grandkids who live closest tend to get the lions share of the time. That’s just physics at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

No. The conception, planning, and execution of family get-togethers does not come "naturally" to women. It is simply work that needs to get done in order to sustain connections among family, and somebody has to do it. Women step up to the plate.

That's it.

The women are the ones who want those connections.

Wrong. Op is craving it and can't figure out how to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

OP- sounds like your wife divorced you because you didn't step up. Also, would love to know which activities men are naturally better at that you did during your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Why are you going to all those events for children that are not yours? She can go to those events and you should prioritize spending more time with your family.

OP here. This could be very helpful. I don’t like just taking off and abandoning her, so going in my family’s direction exactly when she’s going in her’s could be a win-win. Of course if there’s something really special she wants me to go to then it would be not so great to gin up a trip of my own. I’m not thinking she’ll be thrilled about this symmetry though.

God, you are so very selfish.

So, you can only feel comfortable seeing your own kids when your girlfriend has decided to see hers, so that you aren't ever "abandoning" the girlfriend for the short time it takes to see your own family?

Here's the thing: your kids have seen that you prioritize this woman and her children over them. It isn't a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Well, I can't blame her for wanting to go to all the things if they are not far. That ratio is bad but what do you want to do to make it fair? Accompany her less, or go to more of your family's events, or move closer to your family?

All of the above! Stop falling into the honeypot for Pete’s sakes! Don’t you have any affection for your own flesh and blood? As in, why would you be interested in going to another person’s kids events vs your own kids and grandkids?

OP, do you ensure that you reach out and phone/message/send gifts for holidays and birthdays? Or do you just go to your girlfriends' family's birthdays and holiday events, waiting for your kids to reach out to you?

That was probably the most hurtful think my own dad abruptly started doing after he got with his girlfriend and became besotted with her and her kids/grandkids. Our situation was a little different becuase my own mom had died years before, but it took YEARS to get used to the fact that Dad "forgot" my graduation, would "forget" my birthday (super obvious because he'd send me a short email on the night of my birthday, with no gift even though for many years I would go out of my way to try to pick out gifts for him at birthdays and holidays). When grandkids on both sides entered the picture, my dad adored and doted on his girlfriend (eventually wife)'s grandkids, and didn't care about his own, acting as if they were strangers' children he was pretending to be polite about but didn't really want to know about or be around.

It has been ten years since I saw my dad. I am not sure he has noticed this, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Above post reminds me of a Christmas I spent at my grandparents. My single uncle was there with his divorced girlfriend and her daughter. At some point in the evening he gave the daughter a wrapped present at a time when I could see. He didn't give me any present that year or any other.

I didn't care about not getting a present. I cared that his unconcern for my feelings was obvious. His relationship with that lady ended within a year. But our relationship is for life. And it's not great.

[Anonymous]

Is your family “warm” to you without the GF?

It can take adult kids a long time to warm up to their parents new partners, especially after their parents divorce. It can take years and that’s normal. Don’t blame your kids. Try to understand them. You should try therapy if you haven’t already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

No. The conception, planning, and execution of family get-togethers does not come "naturally" to women. It is simply work that needs to get done in order to sustain connections among family, and somebody has to do it. Women step up to the plate.

That's it.

The women are the ones who want those connections.

Apparently OP wants them and he is a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

So it’s not a cliche when people say that men only prioritize the children of the woman they’re currently banging.

This is the truth

Yes, I see this a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

You need to ask them to be nicer to your GF. It's a two-way street. Sorry they're having a hard time but they need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

You need to ask them to be nicer to your GF. It's a two-way street. Sorry they're having a hard time but they need to grow up.

Maybe they're not nice to her for good reason. Maybe because she monopolizes his time and acts like he's "abandoning" her when she has to endure a weekend without him.

[Anonymous]

Dead beat dads are always gonna blame everyone else. Look in the mirror here op. You’re a deadbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Since everyone is accusing me of passivity, they should also assume the truth: this divorce was in no way of my choosing, and was forced on me without me being any of the three A’s. So I did not choose this life; it was imposed on me.

What does that have to do you with you neglect your children and grandchildren?? You forgot the fourth A- a$$hole. Which you def are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

No. The conception, planning, and execution of family get-togethers does not come "naturally" to women. It is simply work that needs to get done in order to sustain connections among family, and somebody has to do it. Women step up to the plate.

That's it.

The women are the ones who want those connections.

Apparently OP wants them and he is a man.

I don’t see anywhere that he wants connection. He wants to be adored. Huge difference.