Mom’s Who Left Career to SAHP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

I used to work a paid job and interacted with some volunteers. A big part of volunteerism is that people do it not because they want to help or actually are helping but because they want to feel like they are helping. It’s a nightmare honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want strangers raising my children.

+1
Also, I felt that my DH's salary was enough for us to fund college and retirement. If my DH was not making a good enough salary, I would have continued working so that my kids could afford college.

We had some lucky financial leg ups - we did not have college debt, we bought a nice new SFH in an inexpensive neighborhood at the bottom of the market and at a good interst rate (we accepted DH's long commute and mediocre public schools), our COL was low, we did not have pets, we only had two kids, we drive old cars, we did not have to look after our parents, we did not need IVF or therapy, we are heavily insured, we will never divorce or cheat etc.

This. DH had enough earning potential to pay for a townhome in a mediocre school district, retirement, and state college. He’s cheap enough that I knew he’d stick to the budget. Our marriage felt really strong. I committed to placing the health of our marriage ahead of everything. I had a financial backup system if he had a mental break and divorced me. If my parents were poor, I probably wouldn’t have exited the workforce.

One thing that I didn’t do and should have was get written letters of recommendation from coworkers while my performance was fresh in their memory. I was able to reenter the workforce, but tracking people down almost a decade later was tough.

[Anonymous]

Quit and don’t look back. The workforce is increasingly hostile to women with RTO policies and a cultural shift toward embracing tradwives. Why put up with this when you don’t have to? Stay home and be a mother, that’s what women were meant for. Obviously female obgyns are necessary so women are comfortable with their doctor, but in general, women belong in the home—the posts above show you that quitting can be a great decision for you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want strangers raising my children.

They're probably better at it than you.

Why would a random daycare worker be better at taking care of kids than their own parent?

Yes, every parent is a fit to parent by virtue of being a parent. Anyone who is paid to provide childcare could never be as fit. 🙄

Of course this isn’t true. I’m way more qualified to raise my own kids vs some kid making $22/hour. YMMV.

Why are you more qualified?

Because I’m intelligent and extremely vested. I have three kids at top colleges who are kind, loving, empathetic kids so I’m proud of my work and investment in their lives. It worked in my case, again, YMMV.

And your children's memories will be mostly of the nanny raising them, while on her phone all day. Don't fool yourself. A childcare worker will never care for your children in the same way you will (I hope).

And no paid childcare worker is extremely intelligent or educated? I went to Williams for college and Columbia for grad school. My husband went to Harvard. I have three kids who I love and care about. I am not a SAHM nor are many of my peers. Our nanny, who is paid a lot more than $22, is patient, kind, empathetic, and able to enforce boundaries. I reject the idea that my children or any children are materially worse off because their mother works at Latham and Watkins et al instead of staying home with them all day. There are many SAHMs who are overwhelmed and struggle to meet the constant demands of parenting 24/7. I feel bad for them and their kids. I also know SAHMs with Nannie’s who were very checked out when their kids were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want strangers raising my children.

They're probably better at it than you.

Why would a random daycare worker be better at taking care of kids than their own parent?

Yes, every parent is a fit to parent by virtue of being a parent. Anyone who is paid to provide childcare could never be as fit. 🙄

Of course this isn’t true. I’m way more qualified to raise my own kids vs some kid making $22/hour. YMMV.

Why are you more qualified?

Because I’m intelligent and extremely vested. I have three kids at top colleges who are kind, loving, empathetic kids so I’m proud of my work and investment in their lives. It worked in my case, again, YMMV.

And your children's memories will be mostly of the nanny raising them, while on her phone all day. Don't fool yourself. A childcare worker will never care for your children in the same way you will (I hope).

And no paid childcare worker is extremely intelligent or educated? I went to Williams for college and Columbia for grad school. My husband went to Harvard. I have three kids who I love and care about. I am not a SAHM nor are many of my peers. Our nanny, who is paid a lot more than $22, is patient, kind, empathetic, and able to enforce boundaries. I reject the idea that my children or any children are materially worse off because their mother works at Latham and Watkins et al instead of staying home with them all day. There are many SAHMs who are overwhelmed and struggle to meet the constant demands of parenting 24/7. I feel bad for them and their kids. I also know SAHMs with Nannie’s who were very checked out when their kids were little.

Not all nannies are on their phones all day. Sometimes parents are on their phones all day. People don't magically become self-aware and good at self-regulating or not depressive or anxious just because they have a child. There is a real lack of self-awareness in some of these responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

What a sad view of the world. I’m glad I don’t measure a person’s worth by their income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

What a sad view of the world. I’m glad I don’t measure a person’s worth by their income.

But you measure a person’s worth by their hourly rate? There’s someone on here posting that they can do a better job at providing childcare than someone making $22 an hour because they are “educated” which is probably just code for white and upper middle class/went to a middle of the road LA college and left the workforce at 29.

[Anonymous]

It’s a leap of faith to quit and SAHP.

I recently did it but it took me 3 years to pull the trigger, and I was thinking about it 2 years before then.

I have three kids and honestly, if you make a decent salary, you can pay for good quality childcare when they are young. I didn’t mind leaving them when they were babies/young toddlers, as I felt like they were well cared for while I worked, and doing really well. As they entered elementary school, it actually got harder to find good quality childcare - we tried a nanny/housekeeper position, tried aftercare, and I felt like I wanted to be more involved in their lives than I was by not getting home until 5 or 6 pm.

When my youngest hit elementary school and nothing got any easier, I started thinking seriously about quitting. balancing work and home life was a constant challenge - I had advanced in my career, which meant more flexibility but also more responsibility. So I could take a sick day, but the hours needed to be made up to get the work done. I could make it all work but it felt like I was constantly either shortchanging my kids or shortchanging my job. It was a bad feeling, but I really liked my job and had never imagined myself being a sAHp. It also felt like I was a “quitter” since I had gotten through the early childhood years, but it just felt like I was too busy to really enjoy either working or parenting.

And of course you can’t talk about SAHP without talking about money. I made about $120k when my first was born and about $210k when I quit 11 years later. My DH made slightly more than me when we had DC1 and made 10X more than me, so by the time I was thinking about stopping work, my financial contribution was no longer critical to the finances of our family. And while I really struggled internally with depending on my DH financially, I decide to reframe and be grateful that he makes enough that I am able to choose — he would be making the same wether I kept working or not.

It’s only been a few months now that I’m home, and I am really enjoying it. It took a bit to get into a routine, and set goals and a schedule for myself, but I’m pretty happy making the adjustment. My DH continues to be supportive, I’ve finally gotten to be a parent volunteer at my kids school, and I am getting regular exercise. I do see myself working again at some point, but not for many more years and it will be a new career - I’m calling myself retired from my last one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt a need to honor commitment to my son. He needed me more than my job did.

I pray for your future DIL.

[Anonymous]

I quit when my first was born and went back to the same company 6 years later. Of course I’d probably be in a much more senior role if I stayed straight through but it worked out well for us.

[Anonymous]

I would caution that this is too personal and you shouldn't really ask a group of strangers or even close friends for their input. The older I get as a sahm the more I see that concerns that drive most people to sahm or away from it, are not even on my radar. I didn't do this to "raise my kids" and there are a lot of drawbacks. I still wouldn't change a thing, despite some really rough challenges and times of doubt. I think you have to meditate and tap into what you actually want deep down because there are tons of factors unique to you and there will be negatives you have to live with either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a leap of faith to quit and SAHP.

I recently did it but it took me 3 years to pull the trigger, and I was thinking about it 2 years before then.

I have three kids and honestly, if you make a decent salary, you can pay for good quality childcare when they are young. I didn’t mind leaving them when they were babies/young toddlers, as I felt like they were well cared for while I worked, and doing really well. As they entered elementary school, it actually got harder to find good quality childcare - we tried a nanny/housekeeper position, tried aftercare, and I felt like I wanted to be more involved in their lives than I was by not getting home until 5 or 6 pm.

When my youngest hit elementary school and nothing got any easier, I started thinking seriously about quitting. balancing work and home life was a constant challenge - I had advanced in my career, which meant more flexibility but also more responsibility. So I could take a sick day, but the hours needed to be made up to get the work done. I could make it all work but it felt like I was constantly either shortchanging my kids or shortchanging my job. It was a bad feeling, but I really liked my job and had never imagined myself being a sAHp. It also felt like I was a “quitter” since I had gotten through the early childhood years, but it just felt like I was too busy to really enjoy either working or parenting.

And of course you can’t talk about SAHP without talking about money. I made about $120k when my first was born and about $210k when I quit 11 years later. My DH made slightly more than me when we had DC1 and made 10X more than me, so by the time I was thinking about stopping work, my financial contribution was no longer critical to the finances of our family. And while I really struggled internally with depending on my DH financially, I decide to reframe and be grateful that he makes enough that I am able to choose — he would be making the same wether I kept working or not.

It’s only been a few months now that I’m home, and I am really enjoying it. It took a bit to get into a routine, and set goals and a schedule for myself, but I’m pretty happy making the adjustment. My DH continues to be supportive, I’ve finally gotten to be a parent volunteer at my kids school, and I am getting regular exercise. I do see myself working again at some point, but not for many more years and it will be a new career - I’m calling myself retired from my last one.

Your husband’s salary went from $140K to $2.1M in 11 years? Was he an entry level investment banker when you had DC1 and then a portfolio manager when you decided to quit 11 years later?

I agree with the PP who said that this is a choice that comes down to many variables that are unique to each person and family: number of children, overall difficulty of children, spacing of children, types of activities children are in, the community you are in and the expectations put upon parents and children, if you have family money or a solid fall back plan in the case of divorce, your household income without one working parent, your savings and general financial position, your enjoyment of your work, your enjoyment of taking care of household and childcare tasks, your ability to get either paid or unpaid childcare help, the state of your marriage, the state of your spouse’s job and the industry they work in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a leap of faith to quit and SAHP.

I recently did it but it took me 3 years to pull the trigger, and I was thinking about it 2 years before then.

I have three kids and honestly, if you make a decent salary, you can pay for good quality childcare when they are young. I didn’t mind leaving them when they were babies/young toddlers, as I felt like they were well cared for while I worked, and doing really well. As they entered elementary school, it actually got harder to find good quality childcare - we tried a nanny/housekeeper position, tried aftercare, and I felt like I wanted to be more involved in their lives than I was by not getting home until 5 or 6 pm.

When my youngest hit elementary school and nothing got any easier, I started thinking seriously about quitting. balancing work and home life was a constant challenge - I had advanced in my career, which meant more flexibility but also more responsibility. So I could take a sick day, but the hours needed to be made up to get the work done. I could make it all work but it felt like I was constantly either shortchanging my kids or shortchanging my job. It was a bad feeling, but I really liked my job and had never imagined myself being a sAHp. It also felt like I was a “quitter” since I had gotten through the early childhood years, but it just felt like I was too busy to really enjoy either working or parenting.

And of course you can’t talk about SAHP without talking about money. I made about $120k when my first was born and about $210k when I quit 11 years later. My DH made slightly more than me when we had DC1 and made 10X more than me, so by the time I was thinking about stopping work, my financial contribution was no longer critical to the finances of our family. And while I really struggled internally with depending on my DH financially, I decide to reframe and be grateful that he makes enough that I am able to choose — he would be making the same wether I kept working or not.

It’s only been a few months now that I’m home, and I am really enjoying it. It took a bit to get into a routine, and set goals and a schedule for myself, but I’m pretty happy making the adjustment. My DH continues to be supportive, I’ve finally gotten to be a parent volunteer at my kids school, and I am getting regular exercise. I do see myself working again at some point, but not for many more years and it will be a new career - I’m calling myself retired from my last one.

Your husband’s salary went from $140K to $2.1M in 11 years? Was he an entry level investment banker when you had DC1 and then a portfolio manager when you decided to quit 11 years later?

I agree with the PP who said that this is a choice that comes down to many variables that are unique to each person and family: number of children, overall difficulty of children, spacing of children, types of activities children are in, the community you are in and the expectations put upon parents and children, if you have family money or a solid fall back plan in the case of divorce, your household income without one working parent, your savings and general financial position, your enjoyment of your work, your enjoyment of taking care of household and childcare tasks, your ability to get either paid or unpaid childcare help, the state of your marriage, the state of your spouse’s job and the industry they work in.

Yeah, I was with the first PP until she said her husband now make $2.1 million. I mean, what else is really relevant after that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a leap of faith to quit and SAHP.

I recently did it but it took me 3 years to pull the trigger, and I was thinking about it 2 years before then.

I have three kids and honestly, if you make a decent salary, you can pay for good quality childcare when they are young. I didn’t mind leaving them when they were babies/young toddlers, as I felt like they were well cared for while I worked, and doing really well. As they entered elementary school, it actually got harder to find good quality childcare - we tried a nanny/housekeeper position, tried aftercare, and I felt like I wanted to be more involved in their lives than I was by not getting home until 5 or 6 pm.

When my youngest hit elementary school and nothing got any easier, I started thinking seriously about quitting. balancing work and home life was a constant challenge - I had advanced in my career, which meant more flexibility but also more responsibility. So I could take a sick day, but the hours needed to be made up to get the work done. I could make it all work but it felt like I was constantly either shortchanging my kids or shortchanging my job. It was a bad feeling, but I really liked my job and had never imagined myself being a sAHp. It also felt like I was a “quitter” since I had gotten through the early childhood years, but it just felt like I was too busy to really enjoy either working or parenting.

And of course you can’t talk about SAHP without talking about money. I made about $120k when my first was born and about $210k when I quit 11 years later. My DH made slightly more than me when we had DC1 and made 10X more than me, so by the time I was thinking about stopping work, my financial contribution was no longer critical to the finances of our family. And while I really struggled internally with depending on my DH financially, I decide to reframe and be grateful that he makes enough that I am able to choose — he would be making the same wether I kept working or not.

It’s only been a few months now that I’m home, and I am really enjoying it. It took a bit to get into a routine, and set goals and a schedule for myself, but I’m pretty happy making the adjustment. My DH continues to be supportive, I’ve finally gotten to be a parent volunteer at my kids school, and I am getting regular exercise. I do see myself working again at some point, but not for many more years and it will be a new career - I’m calling myself retired from my last one.

I was in a similar situation. I earned 200-300k out of grad school in my twenties and got married and had kids. I actually earned more than my Dh when we got married. He earned around 800k when I stopped working. I was not planning to not return to work, just take a small break. I ended up having another child and am still a SAHM. I have been a SAHM for almost a decade. DH now earns much more than when I first stopped working. He was able to fully focus on his career.

We do not need my income. My kids are now in elementary school, middle school and high school. The three of them keep me plenty busy. I actually think my teens need me more than when they were in early elementary when I became a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a leap of faith to quit and SAHP.

I recently did it but it took me 3 years to pull the trigger, and I was thinking about it 2 years before then.

I have three kids and honestly, if you make a decent salary, you can pay for good quality childcare when they are young. I didn’t mind leaving them when they were babies/young toddlers, as I felt like they were well cared for while I worked, and doing really well. As they entered elementary school, it actually got harder to find good quality childcare - we tried a nanny/housekeeper position, tried aftercare, and I felt like I wanted to be more involved in their lives than I was by not getting home until 5 or 6 pm.

When my youngest hit elementary school and nothing got any easier, I started thinking seriously about quitting. balancing work and home life was a constant challenge - I had advanced in my career, which meant more flexibility but also more responsibility. So I could take a sick day, but the hours needed to be made up to get the work done. I could make it all work but it felt like I was constantly either shortchanging my kids or shortchanging my job. It was a bad feeling, but I really liked my job and had never imagined myself being a sAHp. It also felt like I was a “quitter” since I had gotten through the early childhood years, but it just felt like I was too busy to really enjoy either working or parenting.

And of course you can’t talk about SAHP without talking about money. I made about $120k when my first was born and about $210k when I quit 11 years later. My DH made slightly more than me when we had DC1 and made 10X more than me, so by the time I was thinking about stopping work, my financial contribution was no longer critical to the finances of our family. And while I really struggled internally with depending on my DH financially, I decide to reframe and be grateful that he makes enough that I am able to choose — he would be making the same wether I kept working or not.

It’s only been a few months now that I’m home, and I am really enjoying it. It took a bit to get into a routine, and set goals and a schedule for myself, but I’m pretty happy making the adjustment. My DH continues to be supportive, I’ve finally gotten to be a parent volunteer at my kids school, and I am getting regular exercise. I do see myself working again at some point, but not for many more years and it will be a new career - I’m calling myself retired from my last one.

Your husband’s salary went from $140K to $2.1M in 11 years? Was he an entry level investment banker when you had DC1 and then a portfolio manager when you decided to quit 11 years later?

I agree with the PP who said that this is a choice that comes down to many variables that are unique to each person and family: number of children, overall difficulty of children, spacing of children, types of activities children are in, the community you are in and the expectations put upon parents and children, if you have family money or a solid fall back plan in the case of divorce, your household income without one working parent, your savings and general financial position, your enjoyment of your work, your enjoyment of taking care of household and childcare tasks, your ability to get either paid or unpaid childcare help, the state of your marriage, the state of your spouse’s job and the industry they work in.

Yeah, I was with the first PP until she said her husband now make $2.1 million. I mean, what else is really relevant after that?

I would say the strength of marriage and income of husband is the most important in deciding to stay home or not. If you don’t have the support of the spouse, it really isn’t a choice to not work.