My husband died from alcoholism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odd question- when you’re drinking that much don’t you just sort of reek of alcohol? How is it even possible to hide it?

I only drank after work at home. I got up in the morning and showered. I was never drunk at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op: nobody has mentioned widowhood without alcoholism. I was widowed and I think, regardless of the alcohol alcoholism quotient you need to think about that part. If you go to counseling right now you’re dealing with the immediate after effects of this situation. Please don’t be surprised if you need to revisit going to therapy after a break that’s a year from now or 18 months or two years. I want to also thank you for starting this thread. I’ve been trying to quit since 2019 and I can’t do it.

You absolutely can quit, PP. You are not the exception to recovery. ODAAT

Previous PP - it took me a long time and several tries before I actually quit for any length of time, then I relapsed for several months before quitting for good. You can do it. Don't stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP here- completely fully functioning. He had the same job for 15 years and was very well respected. We’ve taken a weeklong vacations with no issues whatsoever. No car crashes or DUIs. No blackouts. Occasional episodes but just at home and mostly picking fights and being petty or argumentative. No yelling or physical violence of any kind.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I have a lot of alcoholism in my family, and Al Anon has been helpful to many of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the PSA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband is a secret alcoholic. Drinks maybe a quart of gin most days. I only know later when I find bottles. I can tell when he's a bit foul from drinking but he's moody all the time so it's not a big difference. He never gets drunk like staggering around.

He won't get therapy. He won't admit a problem. I should leave for our son's sake but our son is mostly spared any awareness of his. He's an active dad who gets him ready for school, plays with him, cooks for us.

In a way, it would be a blessing if he just died suddenly from the alcoholism rather than the slow, torturous ruin I fear lies ahead. He won't get help. He just wants the status quo.

I think you should say these exact words to him. Can't hurt. Might help. Otherwise I think you might second guess whether you had done enough. These words are enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the PSA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband is a secret alcoholic. Drinks maybe a quart of gin most days. I only know later when I find bottles. I can tell when he's a bit foul from drinking but he's moody all the time so it's not a big difference. He never gets drunk like staggering around.

He won't get therapy. He won't admit a problem. I should leave for our son's sake but our son is mostly spared any awareness of his. He's an active dad who gets him ready for school, plays with him, cooks for us.

In a way, it would be a blessing if he just died suddenly from the alcoholism rather than the slow, torturous ruin I fear lies ahead. He won't get help. He just wants the status quo.

Well, you are enabling him. And I doubt that your child is learning healthy things in that household.

I am not saying this is easy, but I strongly suggest that you get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. Thank you for sharing your story. It is helpful to me, and reminds me I have so much to lose.

I am a recovering alcoholic, and as a woman was drinking 2-3 bottles of wine a day for years. I could easily be your husband and it reminds me to continue to prioritize my sobriety. Any amount of drinking is not safe for me, because it’s never just one. One turns into two turns into five and more, despite my intentions.

I am sorry your DH did not get out of alcohol’s clutches, and I will not drink with you today. Hugs and do seek out support groups. Your kids might also need them…there are some for ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics) even if they are grown.

What attracted you to alcohol initially and what did you like about it?

No judgment at all, only curiosity. My birth father is/was an alcoholic and has lost relationships and a career behind it. Would love to ask him, but the subject is too sensitive for him and would just bring more shame, which is not my intention.

[Anonymous]

I am so so sorry OP. My thoughts with you and your children

My friend's son died of alcoholism at 36. It was shocking.

One thing that is worrying doctors is how many young people are developing cirrhosis--some after just a few years of hard drinking . No one clear answer yet as to why, but the old model of alcoholics only dying from the disease after 30 years of a bottle of vodka a day is a myth. Lots of young people getting cirrhosis and dying as well. The below article mentions a bottle of wine a day or binge drinkers even if its 1x/week.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/03/16/973684753/sharp-off-the-charts-rise-in-alcoholic-liver-disease-among-young-women

[Anonymous]

This was my dad. Same age. I was 14, and my 16 yr old brother found him on the kitchen floor. My parents had divorced when I was 3, so it was less of a loss for me since I didn’t see him often, but my brothers lived with him. Unlike you, we all knew he drank a fifth of whisky every night and it was when, not if.

I’m so sorry for your loss and especially for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op: nobody has mentioned widowhood without alcoholism. I was widowed and I think, regardless of the alcohol alcoholism quotient you need to think about that part. If you go to counseling right now you’re dealing with the immediate after effects of this situation. Please don’t be surprised if you need to revisit going to therapy after a break that’s a year from now or 18 months or two years. I want to also thank you for starting this thread. I’ve been trying to quit since 2019 and I can’t do it.

You absolutely can quit, PP. You are not the exception to recovery. ODAAT

+100

You can do it pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so so sorry OP. My thoughts with you and your children

My friend's son died of alcoholism at 36. It was shocking.

One thing that is worrying doctors is how many young people are developing cirrhosis--some after just a few years of hard drinking . No one clear answer yet as to why, but the old model of alcoholics only dying from the disease after 30 years of a bottle of vodka a day is a myth. Lots of young people getting cirrhosis and dying as well. The below article mentions a bottle of wine a day or binge drinkers even if its 1x/week.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/03/16/973684753/sharp-off-the-charts-rise-in-alcoholic-liver-disease-among-young-women

People are dying of non alcoholic related cirrhosis more now. It's been on the uptick for young people. One of my cousins just died of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

This is uncanny timing. My brother has been an alcoholic for 25 years (probably self medicating a mental illness). He's 47. Just this week, he started an intense decline, and is bedridden with many symptoms of late-stage cirrhosis, like swollen legs and distended abdomen, and he is refusing food, water, and medical treatment. It's horrifying. It feels like a long, slow motion suicide.

I saw your post earlier, before this happened, and thought about him. And now, it happens. It did feel inevitable.

[caleb377]

You start to feel like a ghost in your own home when you’re constantly waiting for the next explosion or another lie to hit.

I spent years mourning a man who was sitting right across from me at the dinner table while our family just slowly crumbled.

Our breakthrough only happened after I stopped trying to "fix" him myself and we saw Dr. Ash Bhatt for the psychiatric side of his addiction. It finally gave us a path that wasn't just built on empty promises and heartbreak.

Pack a bag for yourself tonight even if you don't use it, just knowing you have a way out helps you breathe.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

My brother also passed at age 50 from alcoholism.

Dad passed at age 84 from alcoholism.

I found AlAnon helpful for me.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for my naive question but don’t you smell the alcohol on their breath? How can you live with someone and not know? I don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

When are we going to realize as a society that alcohol is addictive and a toxin? I understand that liquor libby is wealthier and stronger than tobacco lobby but now that science has a strong case, can't physicians, mothers and wives stand against them? So many families suffer the consequences and so does our healthcare system with unnecessary cost and burden.