How do people handle 3+ kids without a nanny or family help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

I don't think PP is talking about 10-12 kid families. Nobody's 5 year old is "parenting" their newborn sibling.

3 kid mom here. My oldest (12) definitely tries to parent my youngest (8). I constantly have to remind her that my 8 year old has 2 very capable parents and she doesn't get to boss her sister around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

Ah yes, Old Navy clothes, domestic vacations, and no horseback riding: a life not worth living.

lol exactly - this is what dcum considers neglect. If your 8 year old isn’t wearing $200 aviator nation sweatshirts and doesnt have 6 elite activities a week, and hasn’t been to Italy before they lost their first tooth, you’re a negligent parent who has more kids than you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

Ah yes, Old Navy clothes, domestic vacations, and no horseback riding: a life not worth living.

lol exactly - this is what dcum considers neglect. If your 8 year old isn’t wearing $200 aviator nation sweatshirts and doesnt have 6 elite activities a week, and hasn’t been to Italy before they lost their first tooth, you’re a negligent parent who has more kids than you can afford.

Nice straw man. No one considers that neglect.

If you want to pretend that having more kids has ZERO impact on the kids then either your kids are very young or you are very wealthy. Here are things there are less of with each additional kid:

-parental time
-space
-money for childcare
-money for food
-money for college
-money for vacations
-money for activities, both kid based and family based

I am a parent of one and we already shop at Old Navy (or use hand me downs), most trips are via car and staying in budget hotels, and I took a side hustle so we can afford both ballet AND music lessons for her because I really wanted her to have that experience but it wasn't in budget.

If you can afford multiple kids without having to sacrifice on the fundamentals, good for you. But it's insulting to pretend like anyone can afford to have another kid or that anyone claims more kids are more expensive us thinking if Christmas in the Swiss Alps and dressage lessons. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had three kids within 2 years (one set of twins). My husband and I have both worked full time throughout.

Our kids went to a wonderful daycare when they were little. SACC after school in elementary school and summer babysitters. Now they are teenagers and are great kids.

Key points that made it work:
1) Routine/schedule was key from infancy on.
2) My husband and I have both used more than half of our annual PTO over their lifetime on taking time off for sick kid or various appointments.
3) My husband is an equal partner in parenting. He doesn’t leave it all to me.

Daycare is paid help.

Absolutely daycare is paid help, but OP asked how you do it without a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Parent of 3 with only very occasional family help, and a spouse who travels most weeks. I love chaos, and I’m also very organized. I didn’t work until the youngest start in kindergarten, and kept my work hours 9-3. I don’t sign my kids up for a million activities, and limit them to 2 per season. Luckily my spouse is around most weekends to help with all the sports games and driving. Life definitely can feel chaotic and very busy at times, but I truly love it. I will say I thought it was way easier when kids were younger, older kids and managing schedules/needs is way more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lights out at 7 or 8pm for the kids. Lights out 9 pm for adults. Adults need 8 hours-9 of sleep at night. Kids need 10-12 hours at night.

Be strict on the schedule. It works. This is what my mom (parent of 4) taught me. She was right. And I only have 3.

This is hilarious. Yes I’ll tell my two teens to head to bed at 7.

What works at 7 months doesn’t work at 14.

I mean you could do that. You are the parent.

You have no idea what you’re in for when your kids become teenagers.

[Anonymous]

My single parent mom managed with four of us. We basically grew up feral but we all somehow turned out ok.

[Anonymous]

You'll do fine. Friend's mother had 15 children. Girl I went to school with had 20 siblings. I am not kidding! You can handle 3. My parents had 6 children. You'll be fine. None of these mothers worked outside the home though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

You are right but the parents of littles don’t want to hear this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

I want to hear more! Is it because of college prep stress? Hormones?

I keep hearing it gets more difficult, but it’s hard for me to understand why. Your kid can do their own homework, make their own meals, do their own laundry, and after 16 drive themselves everywhere. Seems like the dream!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

I want to hear more! Is it because of college prep stress? Hormones?

I keep hearing it gets more difficult, but it’s hard for me to understand why. Your kid can do their own homework, make their own meals, do their own laundry, and after 16 drive themselves everywhere. Seems like the dream!

You don't have 3, 16 year olds all at once. You also likely won't have 5 cars all at once.

Hormones, activities, friend, medical and school obligations x3. Most likely you'll be visiting 2 or 3 schools at any given time. With 2 parents you are by far out numbered by the places you need to be at any given time. Activities don't align, schools don't align, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

I want to hear more! Is it because of college prep stress? Hormones?

I keep hearing it gets more difficult, but it’s hard for me to understand why. Your kid can do their own homework, make their own meals, do their own laundry, and after 16 drive themselves everywhere. Seems like the dream!

You highly overestimate the executive function of a teenager. It's more like you have 3 adults that can't even remember to turn of the lights in their room much less actually remember anything else AND they sass every time you ask or remind them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

I want to hear more! Is it because of college prep stress? Hormones?

I keep hearing it gets more difficult, but it’s hard for me to understand why. Your kid can do their own homework, make their own meals, do their own laundry, and after 16 drive themselves everywhere. Seems like the dream!

I have three teenagers now. My father always said that kids are a physical challenge when they are young, but switch to a mental challenge as they get older. I find that to be true. The sheer exhaustion of three toddlers goes away. The kids can do their own laundry, wake to alarms, be left home alone while you run errands, etc. But the issues become how to help one kid struggling with pre-algebra, another with anxiety issues worrying about college applications, another dealing with the heartbreak of their first romantic breakup, etc. The logistics of three kids with different interests participating in different activities is overwhelming too.

Overall they aren’t harder now than when they were little, but it is very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure 6 months in is enough time to know whether you’d be able to handle a third.
We have 3 in 4.5 years. Two working parents no nanny or family help. We thrive in chaos and even thought of a fourth. Kids are in elementary now and it’s even more chaotic with three schedules for sports etc. DH and I are both from families of 4 — so I’m sure that plays into this.

I'd argue you don't know yet the strain of 3 until you get to high school ages.

I want to hear more! Is it because of college prep stress? Hormones?

I keep hearing it gets more difficult, but it’s hard for me to understand why. Your kid can do their own homework, make their own meals, do their own laundry, and after 16 drive themselves everywhere. Seems like the dream!

You don't have 3, 16 year olds all at once. You also likely won't have 5 cars all at once.

Hormones, activities, friend, medical and school obligations x3. Most likely you'll be visiting 2 or 3 schools at any given time. With 2 parents you are by far out numbered by the places you need to be at any given time. Activities don't align, schools don't align, etc.

Spacing of the kids makes a huge difference. I have 3 but only 2 were in HS at the same time. The third was elem/middle. It was totally manageable and honestly it was easier than the toddler years. They are girls and very independent and responsible. The older one could drive the younger one for several years. Yes, they struggled some time with school, relationships and activities but it never felt overwhelming. My oldest is 6 years older than the youngest. We didn’t plan it that way but I’m glad it worked out the way it did.