if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women telling their kids about infidelity are the same ones on DCUM spewing hate at all cheaters. They will not move on so no one can move one. Get some therapy before your bitterness distorts your kids. Being angry 5-10 years later shows you inability to process and heal. Is that what you want for your kids? Because if you weren’t unhinged then you’d never feel the need to tell your kids.

I’m the PP at 9:34. I stopped being angry about the infidelity over 18 years ago. I realized that while being the recipient of anger would prompt most of us to self-examine and change behavior, my then DH simply didn’t have the capacity to self-examine or understand other’s feelings. My anger was completely ineffective and when I realized that - it was a lightbulb moment for me, and I instantly lost any anger toward then DH.

My lack of anger has actually caused problems between me and the kids. DH still does ridiculous stuff - to me and to them. My attitude is mostly “meh” because I understand that’s who he has always been and he will never change and it has nothing to do with my behavior or actions or worth. Meanwhile the kids are busy figuring self-examining to see what they did wrong to cause his painful behavior and getting angry at him for not making him stop. They would see all this in a different light if they had access to the truth about him and why we broke up.

BTW, being able to not be angry, to heal, and to forgive is NOT the same as continuing to have a relationship with the perpetrator of abuse, validating his perspective of continuing to allow him access to my life.

I have basically grey-rocked him for the last four years - and it has made my life and the kids’ lives SO much more peaceful.

[Anonymous]

They figure it out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They figure it out

+1. My father divorced my mom when I was 1 and married the woman who lived across the street when I was 2. When I was little, she was just my step-mom. But eventually I got old enough to do the math. Nobody ever came right out and told me my father was a cheater.

[Anonymous]

My cheating parent definitely messed me up, big time. The only thing worse than the tension and misery that I grew up with for years would have been, feeling crazy because everybody denied what was going on. We all knew and pretended we didn't.

At least I know I wasn't crazy or imagining things. Or blame myself. Although let's be honest, sometimes a kid does wonder, "if parent had loved me more, would they have prioritized keeping our family intacct instead of boinking a co worker?"

[Anonymous]

Certainly, if asked, a parent could say in an age-appropriate way “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex” but I’m not sure that paints the parent in a great light either— you’re basically telling the kids they were less important to you than the regularity of intercourse. Saying things like “frigid wench” gets out of being factual and neutral.

But that’s isn’t why you got divorced. If that was the reason for the divorce, there wouldn’t have been an affair. In the scenario OP is asking about, the divorce is the reality of the discovery of the affair. So your answer would have to be “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex, and so I decided to have sex with someone else without telling her and when she found out, she didn’t want to be married to me anymore.”

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."

Pretty typical when it's the mother who is the cheater, his reaction that is. Men are done. They don't pretend or protect for anyone. They have a much harder time dealing with infidelity than women. He should not have done what he did. Neither put your needs firs: your mom by cheating and your dad by his response to that cheating. It's tough to rise up to be the bigger parent when you have been wronged so bad, but he should have mustered what he could to not let it trickle to you. One parent causing trauma is enough. Your mom beat him to it, so he should have been the responsible one when she was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."

I think people conflate telling children what happened with trashing the other parent. Often they do happen in tandem, but the language people are using here is nothing like what your dad said (and perhaps more importantly what he actually did). Every time I have heard an adult child say they do'nt think kids should know it's because they parent used the information as a weapon against their ex, rather than putting the needs of the child first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Certainly, if asked, a parent could say in an age-appropriate way “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex” but I’m not sure that paints the parent in a great light either— you’re basically telling the kids they were less important to you than the regularity of intercourse. Saying things like “frigid wench” gets out of being factual and neutral.

But that’s isn’t why you got divorced. If that was the reason for the divorce, there wouldn’t have been an affair. In the scenario OP is asking about, the divorce is the reality of the discovery of the affair. So your answer would have to be “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex, and so I decided to have sex with someone else without telling her and when she found out, she didn’t want to be married to me anymore.”

100%

Guarantee the poster you responded to cheated on his wife, was found out, divorced, and has absolved himself of any responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."

This is a really thoughtful perspective.

I'm a PP who was cheated on and will disclose the reasons why I divorced when my children ask as teens or older (they have asked, but are only in elementary, and I have said "it just didn't work out.") Ironically (?) my former spouse - the cheater - has chosen to villainize me post-divorce and, after I left him, did everything he could to destabilize me, including emptying our shared accounts. I was on welfare with toddler and a baby while he was making good money (I'd been a SAHM in a foreign country - trailing spouse).

I don't know why any divorcing spouse chooses to go scorched earth, particularly when kids are involved. Despite my great sadness, I've taken pains to never malign my former spouse with our kids. He has not done the same. When I do tell them the truth, I will be factual: "I found out that your dad was seeking out and having sex with other women. I could not live in such an environment." I also will not belabor the point. I would never think to put it in terms of "your scumbag cheating dad was out screwing hookers."

Putting your own vitriol and disappointment on your kids is really inappropriate emotionally. I'm sorry, PP, that you went through such a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

In all these pages, no one has said, "We sat them down and told them X, Y, Z . . . "

Despite what people claim they would do, I don't think most people consider telling the kids the most healthy and obvious thing to do after infidelity. My kids don't know my husband had a brief affair when they were in preschool. They don't know he sneaks off to smoke weed most nights. They don't know I spend far too much time on internet forums, or that I dream about my high school boyfriend all the time. The parent/child relationship is never one that should be 100% transparent. There are some things that fall into the "don't ask/don't tell" camp. Likewise, kids don't tell their parents about all of their sexual experiences or the drinking and drugs they experiment with. We want them to know they can come to us with problems, but we don't want to be enmeshed with their lives like we're their peers.

I am actually a super honest person, as in I have no poker face and I really don't do things I would be ashamed to confess to. "Too much time on the internet" and "dreaming about my high school sweetheart" are not scandalous by any stretch. So do I want to lie for my husband? No. And I've told him as much. If my kids were to say, "So, is Daddy smoking a joint out there?" or "So, did Daddy cheat on you and break your heart when we were little?" I might try to get out of answering but I wouldn't lie and say "no." But honestly I think the kids don't want to know, really. I certainly didn't want to know about my parents' sex lives. From what I could see, my parents had a very respectful, affectionate, playful relationship, and I think my kids see that we do too. We have become more better communicators, much more resilient, more empathetic. We work through hard things. They can see we have that kind of relationship without knowing every single hard thing in detail.

I'm sure there are circumstances that would require telling children, like if an affair resulted in a child. But I sincerely hope that even if my husband had left me for the OW, I would have taken that on the chin and tried to be the best co-parent that I could be. If they were teenagers I think there would be no hiding that from them, but small kids . . . I would just explain that sometimes marriages end and show them that even if I get dumped by someone I love, I am still strong and self-sufficient and fabulous. Someone else leaving doesn't change anything about what's wonderful about me. And they can learn that lesson too . . . life isn't always easy, but we are always worthy of love, even if the people we want to give it to us can't or won't. We will find what we need in our ride or die friends and family, and in ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."

This is a really thoughtful perspective.

I'm a PP who was cheated on and will disclose the reasons why I divorced when my children ask as teens or older (they have asked, but are only in elementary, and I have said "it just didn't work out.") Ironically (?) my former spouse - the cheater - has chosen to villainize me post-divorce and, after I left him, did everything he could to destabilize me, including emptying our shared accounts. I was on welfare with toddler and a baby while he was making good money (I'd been a SAHM in a foreign country - trailing spouse).

I don't know why any divorcing spouse chooses to go scorched earth, particularly when kids are involved. Despite my great sadness, I've taken pains to never malign my former spouse with our kids. He has not done the same. When I do tell them the truth, I will be factual: "I found out that your dad was seeking out and having sex with other women. I could not live in such an environment." I also will not belabor the point. I would never think to put it in terms of "your scumbag cheating dad was out screwing hookers."

Putting your own vitriol and disappointment on your kids is really inappropriate emotionally. I'm sorry, PP, that you went through such a difficult time.

Brava, PP. You are a great example to your children. I'm sorry your ex turned out to be such a turd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Certainly, if asked, a parent could say in an age-appropriate way “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex” but I’m not sure that paints the parent in a great light either— you’re basically telling the kids they were less important to you than the regularity of intercourse. Saying things like “frigid wench” gets out of being factual and neutral.

But that’s isn’t why you got divorced. If that was the reason for the divorce, there wouldn’t have been an affair. In the scenario OP is asking about, the divorce is the reality of the discovery of the affair. So your answer would have to be “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex, and so I decided to have sex with someone else without telling her and when she found out, she didn’t want to be married to me anymore.”

That post was in response to someone saying he would call his wife a frigid wench if she said he cheated. I was pointing out that people who care about being honest but also doing what’s best for their children only state the facts and are neutral rather than judgmental. Mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex might be honest and neutral. Frigid wench isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Easy: you don’t tell them. Wtf…just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy: you don’t tell them. Wtf…just no.

+1