Reply to if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]In all these pages, no one has said, "We sat them down and told them X, Y, Z . . . "

Despite what people claim they would do, I don't think most people consider telling the kids the most healthy and obvious thing to do after infidelity. My kids don't know my husband had a brief affair when they were in preschool. They don't know he sneaks off to smoke weed most nights. They don't know I spend far too much time on internet forums, or that I dream about my high school boyfriend all the time. The parent/child relationship is never one that should be 100% transparent. There are some things that fall into the "don't ask/don't tell" camp. Likewise, kids don't tell their parents about all of their sexual experiences or the drinking and drugs they experiment with. We want them to know they can come to us with problems, but we don't want to be enmeshed with their lives like we're their peers.

I am actually a super honest person, as in I have no poker face and I really don't do things I would be ashamed to confess to. "Too much time on the internet" and "dreaming about my high school sweetheart" are not scandalous by any stretch. So do I want to lie for my husband? No. And I've told him as much. If my kids were to say, "So, is Daddy smoking a joint out there?" or "So, did Daddy cheat on you and break your heart when we were little?" I might try to get out of answering but I wouldn't lie and say "no." But honestly I think the kids don't want to know, really. I certainly didn't want to know about my parents' sex lives. From what I could see, my parents had a very respectful, affectionate, playful relationship, and I think my kids see that we do too. We have become more better communicators, much more resilient, more empathetic. We work through hard things. They can see we have that kind of relationship without knowing every single hard thing in detail.

I'm sure there are circumstances that would require telling children, like if an affair resulted in a child. But I sincerely hope that even if my husband had left me for the OW, I would have taken that on the chin and tried to be the best co-parent that I could be. If they were teenagers I think there would be no hiding that from them, but small kids . . . I would just explain that sometimes marriages end and show them that even if I get dumped by someone I love, I am still strong and self-sufficient and fabulous. Someone else leaving doesn't change anything about what's wonderful about me. And they can learn that lesson too . . . life isn't always easy, but we are always worthy of love, even if the people we want to give it to us can't or won't. We will find what we need in our ride or die friends and family, and in ourselves.[/quote]

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