Au pair informed me she is experiencing depression

[Anonymous]

Our au pair informed me this morning that she is experiencing depression, and knows what she is feeling because she had the same for a while as younger teen (this isn't something that was disclosed in her health info). She is adamant that she is not homesick, and likes it here and doesn't want to go home, and doesn't know why she's having these feelings. She is 5+ months into the program so it's not a matter of culture shock. From what she said, she's having a really hard time focusing and remembering things, she's spending a lot of time thinking about mistakes she is making or things she's not doing right, she just feels really sad and doesn't know why, etc. She is a nice girl, wants to stay with our family and finish her year, doesn't want to go home, but at the same time I'm wondering how it is possibly a good thing for her to be across the ocean from her support system (and health care).

Any ideas on how to manage this? Our LCC responded with an expression of empathy but not much more in terms of guidance. This girl is still a teenager, and is suffering from depression. Help!

[Anonymous]

As a mother of a teen with depression and also a host mom, you need to step in and make the decision of what is best for your au pair. At her current state she is not capable of seeing it herself. Send her home so she can get treated asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother of a teen with depression and also a host mom, you need to step in and make the decision of what is best for your au pair. At her current state she is not capable of seeing it herself. Send her home so she can get treated asap.

I meant to say that I am aother of a depressed teen and a host mom, not you... I realize it sounded confusing

[Anonymous]

She won’t have the necessary resources to treat her depression in a timely manner, not with the basic health insurance. In the meantime, I wouldn’t give her the responsibility of taking care of my kids.
Did she lie on her AP application? Obviously depression can happen, with or without prior history, but when prospective APs apply for an agency, they are required to answer questions about previous mental health issues and treatment. I know of a girl who wanted to become an AP but was rejected by an agency because she said she saw a therapist in middle school for being bullied.
At least she’s forthcoming now...but hosting someone with a mental health issue puts stress on the household.

[Anonymous]

So this happened to me and i really wanted to rematch but felt bad rematching because she was depressed. I wish I had rematched then. Her depression was making her unpleasant to be around, sulky and not good with the kids (which was actually just more of the same). She was having an existential “what do I do with my life” depression after 5 months here. Sorry, it sucks, but you don’t need to take this on unless you see a clear path to helping her get better. Ours kept insisting that she had no idea what would make her happier.

[Anonymous]

She needs to get help and admitting it was a cry for help. Send her home.

[Anonymous]

I would try to get her help vs. send her home. There are low income mental health clinics if the insurance doesn't pay and some of the depression medications/generic are not that costly. Sending her home may not give her the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to tell someone you're depressed. Especially to a host mother/boss figure. It took her some courage to confide in you.

It would be nice from you to help her and I wouldn't send her home, it would worser her situation.

Have a talk with her and tell her your worries. Is she doing a good job with the children ? If yes, let her finish her year.
If not, give her a chance to get better and if not, she will have to go home.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Our most loved and favorite AP struggled horribly with depression. It never crossed my mind to rematch. We did get her a gym membership and a treadmill in the basement and she was religious about working out every day. It helped her tremendously. She much improved once the winter was over. She was always punctual and always on top of anything I asked so I judged her on her actual performance not a bunch of "what ifs".

We took the compassionate route and she is truly a part of out family. She has been back to visit 4xs and I'm working to try to get her an internship at my company.

[Anonymous]

Why can't she go to a doctor here and then get treated for her depression?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t feel confident leaving my kids with a teenager experiencing depression, one who admits that she can’t remember things and feels inexplicably sad all the time. My mother was mentally ill, and as a child, I was confused and felt it was my fault. If your kids are old enough to understand what your AP is going through (if they are teenagers themselves), then maybe it could work out, but it could take months for therapy and the right dose of meds to kick in.

[Anonymous]

Doubt that a gym membership will help in OP’s situation. Her AP self-diagnosed her depression, but she’s also describing OCD behavior. It’s possible she could get through the winter and through her AP year, but at what cost?

[Anonymous]

OP here. For additional context, I’ll add this: my stepdad died by suicide, in the bedroom across the hallway from he, when I was a teenager. We didn’t know he was suffering from depression until after he was dead. So, that’s in the back of my mind. I don’t imagine the same scenario is likely here but I also am not naive enough to believe it COULDN’T and through firsthand experience I can tell you it’s not always obvious that someone is severely depressed or suicidal. He got up for work everyday and talked to us and life seemed normal up until my high school principal came to get me out of class and tell me he was dead.

Stepping back from the not extreme what-if and talking about impact day-to-day: she’s an okay au pair. Mostly reliable. Makes a lot of “small stuff” mistakes. In terms of how she is with kids, she’s just...flat. We thought maybe it’s just an extremely reserved personality but she rarely smiles, is never silly or goofy, and has the same neutral/flat expression on her face most of the time. She CAN smile and laugh and we’ve seen it, but it’s definitely unusual. She doesn’t engage much with the kids other than directing them in their tasks. She often declines to play with our kids when asked. And the minute she’s not working, she is in her room with the door closed.

I actually want this girl to be okay and to take care of herself. She’s not a terrible au pair but I guess in writing this all down she’s not particularly great either. I am just concerned about how she is REALLY doing and I can’t evaluate that. She’s not my child and I don’t know her “normal”. She mentioned the other day that her mother told her over Skype that mother can see au pair isn’t “using her brain enough” and must need to be back in school (I can’t describe it exactly how she said it, but I makes me think her mother is noticing her daughter’s personality seems different/subdued).

Argh. I would like to do the right thing here.

[Anonymous]

Mother sounds like part of the problem. She’s not acknowledging that it might be a mental/emotional health issue, and “going back to school” or using her brain more isn’t the answer. I’ve seen so many parents in denial about their kid’s struggles, and their response is very similar to AP’s mother’s.
For your kid’s sake, send this APhome. They deserve to be around someone who is stable and engaging.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP -

I'm wondering if you could offer to take her to a low-cost/free clinic. Many universities, including UMD and GWU, have sliding scale clinics through either the clinical or counseling departments. There are also a number of community based clinics with low cost. I'd look for somewhere that offers CBT. Usually with effective CBT, you will see some improvement within 4-8 weeks. They will help her also with things like behavioral activation (doing more things than just staying in her room). After a few weeks in treatment, she also might start to feel more positively, smile more, and engage more. In the meantime, I might offer her some small/free things to help lift her for a little bit; perhaps some special activities to do with kids, maybe some new nail polish, a new book, some extra time off, etc if you can afford it. Also, you can naturally include some more activity, such as walking, which would be good for both her and kids. I'd also have a conversation with her about how you are compassionate about what she's going through and want to support her, but there is also a need to do some safety planning. In that light, maybe you guys could come to an agreement on a time frame to test out therapy as well as a back-up plan for what to do if she feels really bad while working (i.e., if you are concerned about your safety, you need to call XYZ immediately). Not everyone who is depressed needs meds. She likely won't confide in you how things really are. I'd say get her into a low-cost clinic, provide support, and monitor situation with a back-up plan in place for hers and kids safety.