Au pair informed me she is experiencing depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Au pair, after finally talking to her parents, is now adamant that she’s not depressed and doesn’t have depression at all, and tells the LCC that now we are just twisting her behavior to say it all looks like depression. Au pair says “it is winter blues” and “my parent say I don’t have depression and everyone who knows me well says I don’t have depression”. This is now flipping back on us because au pair is telling LCC that (five months in) she is not feeling welcomed by our family (which is the same thing she said about her first host family, where she lasted two months).
Somehow, this is coming back to bite us and now we are being portrayed as a bad host family that is misconstruing the words and actions of our (fluent in English) au pair, making up this business about depression, and really not just being welcoming enough.

I think its sad between you and the LLC, that neither one has done anything to support her and get her treatment. She may be fluent but she may not fully grasp it as well as you think. But, either way, other countries treat depression differently which is why her parents are saying that and you either rematch as you don't want to help/deal with her or you get her help. You don't sound very welcoming or supportive.

What treatment would you suggest for a person in denial and blaming the host family?

Pull the plug. It’s already headed down the drain and you don’t want to see what more manipulative behavior your AP will come up with if you let her stay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Au pair, after finally talking to her parents, is now adamant that she’s not depressed and doesn’t have depression at all, and tells the LCC that now we are just twisting her behavior to say it all looks like depression. Au pair says “it is winter blues” and “my parent say I don’t have depression and everyone who knows me well says I don’t have depression”. This is now flipping back on us because au pair is telling LCC that (five months in) she is not feeling welcomed by our family (which is the same thing she said about her first host family, where she lasted two months).
Somehow, this is coming back to bite us and now we are being portrayed as a bad host family that is misconstruing the words and actions of our (fluent in English) au pair, making up this business about depression, and really not just being welcoming enough.

I think its sad between you and the LLC, that neither one has done anything to support her and get her treatment. She may be fluent but she may not fully grasp it as well as you think. But, either way, other countries treat depression differently which is why her parents are saying that and you either rematch as you don't want to help/deal with her or you get her help. You don't sound very welcoming or supportive.

What treatment would you suggest for a person in denial and blaming the host family?

Pull the plug. It’s already headed down the drain and you don’t want to see what more manipulative behavior your AP will come up with if you let her stay...

She wasn't in denial until everyone dismissed her. She asked for help, her parents dismissed her and LCC and host parents refused to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Au pair, after finally talking to her parents, is now adamant that she’s not depressed and doesn’t have depression at all, and tells the LCC that now we are just twisting her behavior to say it all looks like depression. Au pair says “it is winter blues” and “my parent say I don’t have depression and everyone who knows me well says I don’t have depression”. This is now flipping back on us because au pair is telling LCC that (five months in) she is not feeling welcomed by our family (which is the same thing she said about her first host family, where she lasted two months).
Somehow, this is coming back to bite us and now we are being portrayed as a bad host family that is misconstruing the words and actions of our (fluent in English) au pair, making up this business about depression, and really not just being welcoming enough.

I think its sad between you and the LLC, that neither one has done anything to support her and get her treatment. She may be fluent but she may not fully grasp it as well as you think. But, either way, other countries treat depression differently which is why her parents are saying that and you either rematch as you don't want to help/deal with her or you get her help. You don't sound very welcoming or supportive.

What treatment would you suggest for a person in denial and blaming the host family?

Pull the plug. It’s already headed down the drain and you don’t want to see what more manipulative behavior your AP will come up with if you let her stay...

She wasn't in denial until everyone dismissed her. She asked for help, her parents dismissed her and LCC and host parents refused to help.

Huh? Blame everyone else for AP’s current denial? Absurd. Technically, AP is an adult, and no one is stopping her from seeking treatment on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how they check these things. Our au pair has a history of situational depression and was treated for it. On the agency interview forms it says no such history. I don’t think it would be outcome determinative, but we would have wanted to know.

The ask the AP. And they ask for a health certificate by their GP. If AP lies to agency and GP doesn't mention it in their report... there you go. How else do you think these things should (or could) be checked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Au pair, after finally talking to her parents, is now adamant that she’s not depressed and doesn’t have depression at all, and tells the LCC that now we are just twisting her behavior to say it all looks like depression. Au pair says “it is winter blues” and “my parent say I don’t have depression and everyone who knows me well says I don’t have depression”. This is now flipping back on us because au pair is telling LCC that (five months in) she is not feeling welcomed by our family (which is the same thing she said about her first host family, where she lasted two months).
Somehow, this is coming back to bite us and now we are being portrayed as a bad host family that is misconstruing the words and actions of our (fluent in English) au pair, making up this business about depression, and really not just being welcoming enough.

I think its sad between you and the LLC, that neither one has done anything to support her and get her treatment. She may be fluent but she may not fully grasp it as well as you think. But, either way, other countries treat depression differently which is why her parents are saying that and you either rematch as you don't want to help/deal with her or you get her help. You don't sound very welcoming or supportive.

What treatment would you suggest for a person in denial and blaming the host family?

Pull the plug. It’s already headed down the drain and you don’t want to see what more manipulative behavior your AP will come up with if you let her stay...

She wasn't in denial until everyone dismissed her. She asked for help, her parents dismissed her and LCC and host parents refused to help.

Huh? Blame everyone else for AP’s current denial? Absurd. Technically, AP is an adult, and no one is stopping her from seeking treatment on her own.

She is in a foreign country and probably doesn't know how or understand the health insurance. How is it that hard to help her? She may be an adult but everyone needs help sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Technically, AP is an adult, and no one is stopping her from seeking treatment on her own.

Technically, let's just stop offering support to young adults in health questions. Technically, they are adults and nothing stops them from seaking treatment on their own. Let's just kick out children out the door as soon as they become of age without any parental support. Even better, let's send them to a foreign country and let them deal with it. /s

We are talking about young adults (OP said her AP is still a teenager, so 18/19). Who may come from a cultural background where issues such as depression are dealt with differently. Who definitely wouldn't have any idea how to even approach treatment in the US. They barely know which insurance they are with or how to deal with them or what they cover or what treatment may cost.
This AP opened up to her HF. Which is a great first step. It would have been a great second step had the HF found a possibility to offer support. Opening up to a HF you haven't known for long with an issue like depression is a huge step for a young adult from a different cultural background.

Do I think it's too late now? Yes. Yes, I do. Do I think this issue could have been handled better from the start? Yes, I think so.
I just hope OP's AP is from a European country where she has comprehensive health insurance and is able to get the help and treatment she needs. With her family blowing her off like that... I hope she can find the support network required for her recovery.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We encouraged her to talk to a counselor. She refused because “I don’t have depression and I’d you force me to do that I’ll go home”. We haven’t abandoned her. We’ve tried to support her. But she doesn’t want to be supported, she wants to deny that there is anything wrong. So here we are.

[Anonymous]

Wish her well and send her off - dont get dragged into more drama.

[Anonymous]

Are you able to live in a house with someone who is making you look bad and lying? I would not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish her well and send her off - dont get dragged into more drama.

This. She's the one that said she was depressed, which is a clinical condition, not the winter doldrums. At worst, you are putting your family (mostly the vulnerable children) at risk. At best, she will find another way to ditch your family like the AP who wanted to rematch for warmer weather. It's not going to last the year. Send her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We encouraged her to talk to a counselor. She refused because “I don’t have depression and I’d you force me to do that I’ll go home”. We haven’t abandoned her. We’ve tried to support her. But she doesn’t want to be supported, she wants to deny that there is anything wrong. So here we are.

This is manipulative b.s.

Send her home before she does something drastic that harms your family, house, car, pets, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish her well and send her off - dont get dragged into more drama.

This. She's the one that said she was depressed, which is a clinical condition, not the winter doldrums. At worst, you are putting your family (mostly the vulnerable children) at risk. At best, she will find another way to ditch your family like the AP who wanted to rematch for warmer weather. It's not going to last the year. Send her home.

Depression does not make her a threat and OP said she is dong her job. That is blowing it way out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We encouraged her to talk to a counselor. She refused because “I don’t have depression and I’d you force me to do that I’ll go home”. We haven’t abandoned her. We’ve tried to support her. But she doesn’t want to be supported, she wants to deny that there is anything wrong. So here we are.

This is manipulative b.s.

Send her home before she does something drastic that harms your family, house, car, pets, etc.

Depression doesn't have people cause harm. You are getting your mental health conditions confused.

She doesn't want to say anything as when she did she wasn't supported so she is right to just say she's ok now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We encouraged her to talk to a counselor. She refused because “I don’t have depression and I’d you force me to do that I’ll go home”. We haven’t abandoned her. We’ve tried to support her. But she doesn’t want to be supported, she wants to deny that there is anything wrong. So here we are.

This is manipulative b.s.

Send her home before she does something drastic that harms your family, house, car, pets, etc.

Depression doesn't have people cause harm. You are getting your mental health conditions confused.

She doesn't want to say anything as when she did she wasn't supported so she is right to just say she's ok now.

What do you smoke? you seem out of touch with reality. Depression is very dangerous if untreated. She is a danger to herself and the people around her if she doesn’t do anything about it. And you can’t force someone to seek help . If she doesn’t want to get treated and her family and LCC don’t want it send her home.
OP you did what you could, this is too much to handle, you will be blamed whatever you do. Cut her loose and hopefully she get a reality check and seek help. PP said depression is treated differently in other cultures, this is one more reason for her to go back home and get a treatment suited to her culture.

[Anonymous]

All good intentions aside, it’s entirely inappropriate for the host family to be taking on this burden of supporting an au pair with clinical depression. To be focused on the au pair’s enormous needs right now creates a really troubling boundary problem and goes well beyond treating an au pair as “one of the family,” particularly when she doesn’f even acknowledge a problem. Support is one thing, but this situation sounds closer to enabling and inevitably the au pair’s needs are going to start taking precedence over the needs of the host kids. She really should return home. She’s not your child or your responsibility when it comes to mental health interventions. OP: do you even have the bandwidth to be dealing with this? I have an aunpaur because I’m already overburdened with responsibilities. It’s not fair to the au pair or the host family to manage this unexpected crisis with a virtual stranger from another country. This is not a lack of compassion, but a red flag in terms of propriety.