Au pair informed me she is experiencing depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For additional context, I’ll add this: my stepdad died by suicide, in the bedroom across the hallway from he, when I was a teenager. We didn’t know he was suffering from depression until after he was dead. So, that’s in the back of my mind. I don’t imagine the same scenario is likely here but I also am not naive enough to believe it COULDN’T and through firsthand experience I can tell you it’s not always obvious that someone is severely depressed or suicidal. He got up for work everyday and talked to us and life seemed normal up until my high school principal came to get me out of class and tell me he was dead.

Stepping back from the not extreme what-if and talking about impact day-to-day: she’s an okay au pair. Mostly reliable. Makes a lot of “small stuff” mistakes. In terms of how she is with kids, she’s just...flat. We thought maybe it’s just an extremely reserved personality but she rarely smiles, is never silly or goofy, and has the same neutral/flat expression on her face most of the time. She CAN smile and laugh and we’ve seen it, but it’s definitely unusual. She doesn’t engage much with the kids other than directing them in their tasks. She often declines to play with our kids when asked. And the minute she’s not working, she is in her room with the door closed.

I actually want this girl to be okay and to take care of herself. She’s not a terrible au pair but I guess in writing this all down she’s not particularly great either. I am just concerned about how she is REALLY doing and I can’t evaluate that. She’s not my child and I don’t know her “normal”. She mentioned the other day that her mother told her over Skype that mother can see au pair isn’t “using her brain enough” and must need to be back in school (I can’t describe it exactly how she said it, but I makes me think her mother is noticing her daughter’s personality seems different/subdued).

Argh. I would like to do the right thing here.

Do you have the capacity to full on deal with this issue? If not, her own mom has dealt with this before and is better equipped to handle it. Maybe what she suggested is a fix (being more intellectually engaged?), but do you want to keep applying band aids hoping that nothing tragic happens in the months she has left?

[Anonymous]

OP here. In response to the PP, I absolutely 100% DO NOT have the capacity to deal with this. I wish I did, but I just don’t. I’m already overextended on pretty much all fronts. The post on the previous page detailing counseling visits and 4-8 weeks to see improvement really drove that home for me. I am already emotionally exhausted with the current set of challenges in our home (job transition, child requiring extensive engagement from me) and I know I can’t take on the additional effort of supporting someone who is having significant mental health issues. Especially if that someone is supposed to be the person helping make life easier for the rest of us. Ugh that sounds really selfish but I don’t see how anyone could be well served in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In response to the PP, I absolutely 100% DO NOT have the capacity to deal with this. I wish I did, but I just don’t. I’m already overextended on pretty much all fronts. The post on the previous page detailing counseling visits and 4-8 weeks to see improvement really drove that home for me. I am already emotionally exhausted with the current set of challenges in our home (job transition, child requiring extensive engagement from me) and I know I can’t take on the additional effort of supporting someone who is having significant mental health issues. Especially if that someone is supposed to be the person helping make life easier for the rest of us. Ugh that sounds really selfish but I don’t see how anyone could be well served in this situation.

It's more important to be honest and admit you can't/don't want to deal with it. Her depression is NOT your responsibility. I'd be a little mad she didn't bother to disclose it on her health screening. I've seen APs admit that they went to therapy for their parents divorcing or whatever. Moving countries is a HUGE change and you should have had some warning that she had prior issues and could have avoided matching with her to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

Have you ever lived with someone with depression? It’s not pop a magical pill and tomorrow is a better day for all. You make it sound like there’s an easy fix. Not sure that’s at all realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

A troll who doesn’t host AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t feel confident leaving my kids with a teenager experiencing depression, one who admits that she can’t remember things and feels inexplicably sad all the time. My mother was mentally ill, and as a child, I was confused and felt it was my fault. If your kids are old enough to understand what your AP is going through (if they are teenagers themselves), then maybe it could work out, but it could take months for therapy and the right dose of meds to kick in.

+1 Don't let this put the AP or your children in danger. Don't take chances. Depression kills.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We will talk to the LCC this week. I feel like I’m in a tough spot because I know the au pair doesn’t want to go home and I strongly suspect she will minimize everything when speaking to the LCC, and say she’s okay, it’s fine, no big deal.

[Anonymous]

An au pair is there to make your life easier. Is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will talk to the LCC this week. I feel like I’m in a tough spot because I know the au pair doesn’t want to go home and I strongly suspect she will minimize everything when speaking to the LCC, and say she’s okay, it’s fine, no big deal.

Talk to LCC first without AP. Tell her you’re worried about AP minimizing her admission in an attempt not to be sent home and that you’re uncomfortable keeping her in your home without treatment. Tell her that you think the best thing would be to send AP home and you do not want her to continue. A good LCC will take these cues and steer AP out of your house rather than trying to convince you to “work it out” by giving YOU tremendous responsibility to get AP to treatment, potentially pay for it, etc. that you already feel like you can’t handle. Don’t give in to being guilt tripped!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will talk to the LCC this week. I feel like I’m in a tough spot because I know the au pair doesn’t want to go home and I strongly suspect she will minimize everything when speaking to the LCC, and say she’s okay, it’s fine, no big deal.

Talk to LCC first without AP. Tell her you’re worried about AP minimizing her admission in an attempt not to be sent home and that you’re uncomfortable keeping her in your home without treatment. Tell her that you think the best thing would be to send AP home and you do not want her to continue. A good LCC will take these cues and steer AP out of your house rather than trying to convince you to “work it out” by giving YOU tremendous responsibility to get AP to treatment, potentially pay for it, etc. that you already feel like you can’t handle. Don’t give in to being guilt tripped!

Better yet, document your concern about the AP's depression in writing. I doubt a LCC is going to encourage you to keep the AP given a mental illness that she would then also be on the hook for resolving. This will not end well. I am also loathe to rematch, but this AP will eventually bail or worse, leaving you in a bad spot at best and possibly having harmed herself or your family.

[Anonymous]

+1
When you write to your LCC regarding rematch, summarize your conversation/APs admission of depression. The agency will respect your reasons, and will be relieved that you aren’t holding them liable for a less-than-thorough vetting process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

Have you ever lived with someone with depression? It’s not pop a magical pill and tomorrow is a better day for all. You make it sound like there’s an easy fix. Not sure that’s at all realistic.

Yes, I have which is why I'd get her to a doctor and try to find her counseling. She is not a risk to your kids and many people function just fine with depression. If she is not at risk of hurting herself and doing her job, no reason to terminate her. As a host, you need to guide her on what to do and help her get help, just like if it was a family member or your child. She is in a different country and doesn't know how to get help which is why she asked for help. She can help you and care for your kids, its the least you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will talk to the LCC this week. I feel like I’m in a tough spot because I know the au pair doesn’t want to go home and I strongly suspect she will minimize everything when speaking to the LCC, and say she’s okay, it’s fine, no big deal.

Talk to LCC first without AP. Tell her you’re worried about AP minimizing her admission in an attempt not to be sent home and that you’re uncomfortable keeping her in your home without treatment. Tell her that you think the best thing would be to send AP home and you do not want her to continue. A good LCC will take these cues and steer AP out of your house rather than trying to convince you to “work it out” by giving YOU tremendous responsibility to get AP to treatment, potentially pay for it, etc. that you already feel like you can’t handle. Don’t give in to being guilt tripped!

She is asking for help to get treatment. Instead of helping, OP is doing a dump job and getting rid of her. Nice.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived with someone with depression, and it was a struggle for them to get out of bed and do the basics, much less engage with people or kids. OP described a teenager who is barely staying above water, and can barely engage or even smile. For those who think of this as a cultural exchange/long-lost niece, I would notify the AP’s mom (so-called sister?) and send her home for medical treatment, as I would expect if they were hosting my child.
For those who think of this as an employer/employee transaction with appropriate compensation, competitive perks, etc- OP isn’t getting what she needed, and has every right to look for a replacement.