Au pair informed me she is experiencing depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve lived with someone with depression, and it was a struggle for them to get out of bed and do the basics, much less engage with people or kids. OP described a teenager who is barely staying above water, and can barely engage or even smile. For those who think of this as a cultural exchange/long-lost niece, I would notify the AP’s mom (so-called sister?) and send her home for medical treatment, as I would expect if they were hosting my child.
For those who think of this as an employer/employee transaction with appropriate compensation, competitive perks, etc- OP isn’t getting what she needed, and has every right to look for a replacement.

If is an exchange, you help each other. If she is an employee, you fire her.

[Anonymous]

If she had a potentially fatal, physical illness with a complicated long-term prognosis and uncertain care requirements, her insurance wouldn't be enough to care for it and you'd send her home. This is a mental illness, but otherwise the description fits. The health care that she has access to here, and the support that you can give her, is not sufficient to face that. She will be better off at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve lived with someone with depression, and it was a struggle for them to get out of bed and do the basics, much less engage with people or kids. OP described a teenager who is barely staying above water, and can barely engage or even smile. For those who think of this as a cultural exchange/long-lost niece, I would notify the AP’s mom (so-called sister?) and send her home for medical treatment, as I would expect if they were hosting my child.
For those who think of this as an employer/employee transaction with appropriate compensation, competitive perks, etc- OP isn’t getting what she needed, and has every right to look for a replacement.

If is an exchange, you help each other. If she is an employee, you fire her.[/quote

It’s not an exchange, because the AP is too I’ll to offer anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve lived with someone with depression, and it was a struggle for them to get out of bed and do the basics, much less engage with people or kids. OP described a teenager who is barely staying above water, and can barely engage or even smile. For those who think of this as a cultural exchange/long-lost niece, I would notify the AP’s mom (so-called sister?) and send her home for medical treatment, as I would expect if they were hosting my child.
For those who think of this as an employer/employee transaction with appropriate compensation, competitive perks, etc- OP isn’t getting what she needed, and has every right to look for a replacement.

If is an exchange, you help each other. If she is an employee, you fire her.[/quote

It’s not an exchange, because the AP is too I’ll to offer anything.

She is getting out of bed everyday, caring for OP kids. She may not be as lively or happy as someone else but she is doing her job. If she were staying in bed, not watching the kids as scheduled, etc. then that would be a cause for alarm. She recognizes that she'd like help. In the several days since this post, OP should have taken her to a primary care doctor and looked for a clinic for therapy and gone with her to her first appointment or two.

[Anonymous]

She is getting out of bed everyday, caring for OP kids. She may not be as lively or happy as someone else but she is doing her job. If she were staying in bed, not watching the kids as scheduled, etc. then that would be a cause for alarm. She recognizes that she'd like help. In the several days since this post, OP should have taken her to a primary care doctor and looked for a clinic for therapy and gone with her to her first appointment or two.

Go away, troll. You clearly haven’t hosted an AP.

[Anonymous]

Home is probably the reason why she's depressed. Please don't send her back there.
Let her live her once in a lifetime opportunity but have a reset conversation if needed.

[Anonymous]

Yes! OP should take personal days from her new job and take AP to a primary care doctor (I’ve hosted for years, and my APs never had a primary care dr), and then to the clinics, and patiently hold APs hand as she experiences side effects of meds, switching meds, adjusting doses, therapy, etc.
She should do this at the expense of her own children, and esp the child who needs extra one-on-one. Plus, she will hire a nanny to handle childcare, because OP is concerned about APs forgetfulness and flat demeanor, which might get worse before it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Home is probably the reason why she's depressed. Please don't send her back there.
Let her live her once in a lifetime opportunity but have a reset conversation if needed.

Au pair program should advertise to troubled teens: safe havens in America from your toxic mothers!

[Anonymous]

Long-time host mother here: Once we hosted an AP who always seemed on edge with no coping skills, prone to bursting into tears over small challenges (like failing the driver's license exam.) She wasn't necessarily depressed, but she seemed kind of manic. She blamed anything that went wrong on being in the US. At first, I attributed this to culture shock, but later she said had been sexually abused by her biological father and was still suffering the effects of it. (Her mother divorced, remarried, and apparently the stepfather was okay.) I never thought of sending her home because I thought rematch = my failure and there was not one big incident, but that was a mistake She hid things from us (smoking, etc) and eventually made up a story about a dying relative and bailed after about 5 months. To this day, I don't know what her real problem was, but it seems like some kind of mental illness or trauma from being abused. By the time I hosted her, we had had 7 APs with varied demeanors but all of whom were pleasant to have around and good with the children. My point is, you don't need to take this on, and your kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She is getting out of bed everyday, caring for OP kids. She may not be as lively or happy as someone else but she is doing her job. If she were staying in bed, not watching the kids as scheduled, etc. then that would be a cause for alarm. She recognizes that she'd like help. In the several days since this post, OP should have taken her to a primary care doctor and looked for a clinic for therapy and gone with her to her first appointment or two.

Go away, troll. You clearly haven’t hosted an AP.

You are not hosting an AP if you are not willing to support and help someone young who needs support. She is an underpaid employee there to serve you. It is supposed to be an exchange program...exchange means helping/teaching them too.

[Anonymous]

You contradict yourself. Is AP an "underpaid employee" here to serve me, or is it an exchange program where there is supposed to be an even exchange of services for room/board/cultural experiences? Can't be both.
In this case, OP has a struggling, impaired teenager who needs medical help. OP can't provide medical care herself, and she can't teach AP about her depression- that's not part of the cultural exchange. That is a doctor/medical professional/therapist exchange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

Have you ever lived with someone with depression? It’s not pop a magical pill and tomorrow is a better day for all. You make it sound like there’s an easy fix. Not sure that’s at all realistic.

Agree with this. And those recommending the free/low cost clinics have obviously never been to one. They are horrible. We have a mental health crisis in this country. I suspect this AP will get much better treatment at home.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of her before she takes it out on your kids.

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair informed me this morning that she is experiencing depression, and knows what she is feeling because she had the same for a while as younger teen (this isn't something that was disclosed in her health info). She is adamant that she is not homesick, and likes it here and doesn't want to go home, and doesn't know why she's having these feelings. She is 5+ months into the program so it's not a matter of culture shock. From what she said, she's having a really hard time focusing and remembering things, she's spending a lot of time thinking about mistakes she is making or things she's not doing right, she just feels really sad and doesn't know why, etc. She is a nice girl, wants to stay with our family and finish her year, doesn't want to go home, but at the same time I'm wondering how it is possibly a good thing for her to be across the ocean from her support system (and health care).

Any ideas on how to manage this? Our LCC responded with an expression of empathy but not much more in terms of guidance. This girl is still a teenager, and is suffering from depression. Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

Have you ever lived with someone with depression? It’s not pop a magical pill and tomorrow is a better day for all. You make it sound like there’s an easy fix. Not sure that’s at all realistic.

Agree with this. And those recommending the free/low cost clinics have obviously never been to one. They are horrible. We have a mental health crisis in this country. I suspect this AP will get much better treatment at home.

Depending on where she is from, this isn't true. Many countries have worse mental health care than U.S. Many training clinics (i.e., at universities) are better than community clinics and therapy is provided by individuals who are supervised by top-level psychologists/psychiatrists. I agree though that it depends on whether OP has ability to deal with this, which it sounds like she does not. I hope the best solution for AP/OP is found. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm amazed at how nasty and dismissive people are. This young woman came from far to care for your kids. I'm assuming the agency provides some health insurance. Have her and take her if necessary to a primary care doctor to see if they can prescribe an antidepressant and if the insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are multiple low cost to free places in our area. Set a good example for your kids by helping each other vs. this be a one sided relationship where she only helps you. If you get her the help she needs, she may be a better Au Pair to you.

Have you ever lived with someone with depression? It’s not pop a magical pill and tomorrow is a better day for all. You make it sound like there’s an easy fix. Not sure that’s at all realistic.

Agree with this. And those recommending the free/low cost clinics have obviously never been to one. They are horrible. We have a mental health crisis in this country. I suspect this AP will get much better treatment at home.

Yes, some of us have who suggested it. Its like anywhere, its hit or miss on the actual therapist.