Au pair informed me she is experiencing depression

[Anonymous]

If it were me, and I know this is a lot to ask, after giving her the option to decide to go home or not, I would find back up child care for a week (and still pay her) and take a day off to get her treatment. Also seek behavioral counseling once a week. Give it weeks 6 weeks. If no luck, send her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about the same troll who has been posting on this thread! Get part of your money back and change agency. You don’t want to live with that much stress of having to rematch if things don’t work out. If needed, only rematch for the amount of time you have left and switch agency afterwards.

+1 This is what I would do too. I believe most HFs really try to make it work as we have a lot to lose when our child care arrangement is disrupted. Therefore, most of us are loathe to rematch and try to tolerate APs with minor personality mismatches or small quirks until the end of the AP year. (Something it helps that there is a finite end.) But there are some things that are beyond reasonable to tolerate: APs who endanger your children or property or do not fulfill their basic responsibilities. But I would not want this kind of ultimatum hanging over my head. Finish out your year or whatever you need to do to not lose the money you have paid and then switch to another agency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me, and I know this is a lot to ask, after giving her the option to decide to go home or not, I would find back up child care for a week (and still pay her) and take a day off to get her treatment. Also seek behavioral counseling once a week. Give it weeks 6 weeks. If no luck, send her home.

It is not you and you are obviously not a HM, you are a troll, move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about the same troll who has been posting on this thread! Get part of your money back and change agency. You don’t want to live with that much stress of having to rematch if things don’t work out. If needed, only rematch for the amount of time you have left and switch agency afterwards.

+1 This is what I would do too. I believe most HFs really try to make it work as we have a lot to lose when our child care arrangement is disrupted. Therefore, most of us are loathe to rematch and try to tolerate APs with minor personality mismatches or small quirks until the end of the AP year. (Something it helps that there is a finite end.) But there are some things that are beyond reasonable to tolerate: APs who endanger your children or property or do not fulfill their basic responsibilities. But I would not want this kind of ultimatum hanging over my head. Finish out your year or whatever you need to do to not lose the money you have paid and then switch to another agency.

+2 Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I had a call with the CC program director today and it was exactly what I expected. Long story short, we’re being “allowed” to continue, but one more rematch for any reason other than something “completely unexpected and unpredictable” and we are banned from CC.

Curious what constitutes unexpected and unpredictable. Aunpair disclosing and then denying major mental health issue? Au pair engaging in hit and run? I wonder what would be an “acceptable” rematch reason!

I'm not surprised. If you've have 3 APs not work out and only one who did, you're at a 25% success rate. So the program doesn't seem to be working out well for you or for the APs placed with you. I'm assuming the something “completely unexpected and unpredictable” is if AP is injured, you and your family need to relocate to another state for work, etc. Your AP self-diagnosed herself with depression. Even if she did have it, it could have been mild or severe. No way to know with how you reacted to her. Also possible she didn't have it and felt sad or had difficulty adjusting to U.S. The term "depression" is misused a lot, so maybe she didn't have depression at all. No agency wants to have to intervene a lot with families/APs, send APs back home when families can't fulfill their obligations, or deal with a problematic match. I appreciate that you didn't have control over these, but now it's three times it hasn't worked out for you. Maybe the program just doesn't want you keep relying on something that clearly doesn't seem to be fitting your needs.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your depressed, lying AP said something unflattering and possibly untrue to the agency as she filed for rematch, and that’s the reason why you’re being flagged. Your reasons for rematch are completely reasonable and legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about the same troll who has been posting on this thread! Get part of your money back and change agency. You don’t want to live with that much stress of having to rematch if things don’t work out. If needed, only rematch for the amount of time you have left and switch agency afterwards.

+1 This is what I would do too. I believe most HFs really try to make it work as we have a lot to lose when our child care arrangement is disrupted. Therefore, most of us are loathe to rematch and try to tolerate APs with minor personality mismatches or small quirks until the end of the AP year. (Something it helps that there is a finite end.) But there are some things that are beyond reasonable to tolerate: APs who endanger your children or property or do not fulfill their basic responsibilities. But I would not want this kind of ultimatum hanging over my head. Finish out your year or whatever you need to do to not lose the money you have paid and then switch to another agency.

+2, there was no abuse or neglect and AP was doing her job. She needed a little support and OP was too selfish to do it even though she choose to bring someone young and unfamiliar with things her into the country to care for her kids. She is truly selfish not to help the young woman out given how much she does for the family. It is supposed to be an exchange. OP needs a nanny/housekeeper instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about the same troll who has been posting on this thread! Get part of your money back and change agency. You don’t want to live with that much stress of having to rematch if things don’t work out. If needed, only rematch for the amount of time you have left and switch agency afterwards.

+1 This is what I would do too. I believe most HFs really try to make it work as we have a lot to lose when our child care arrangement is disrupted. Therefore, most of us are loathe to rematch and try to tolerate APs with minor personality mismatches or small quirks until the end of the AP year. (Something it helps that there is a finite end.) But there are some things that are beyond reasonable to tolerate: APs who endanger your children or property or do not fulfill their basic responsibilities. But I would not want this kind of ultimatum hanging over my head. Finish out your year or whatever you need to do to not lose the money you have paid and then switch to another agency.

+2, there was no abuse or neglect and AP was doing her job. She needed a little support and OP was too selfish to do it even though she choose to bring someone young and unfamiliar with things her into the country to care for her kids. She is truly selfish not to help the young woman out given how much she does for the family. It is supposed to be an exchange. OP needs a nanny/housekeeper instead.

OP, I think your AP (PP) might have found this post. She keep posting here without even reading what she is replying too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not bothered by the piling on, because I know how we tried to seek support for her and how much we encouraged her to talk to trusted family and friends and her agency support contacts, and I know how she reacted. So I don’t feel like we did something terribly wrong here. Keep in mind she had already rematched once and also blamed the family for that one.

The au pair who did endanger our children - what should I have done with that one? Stick with it because hey, we have more than one child, so if we lose one it’s no big deal? She was not someone you’d trust with your kids (or your car, or your unattended home).

And our first rematch was truly just not a good fit for either of us. She’s lovely and we still email one another, so I don’t think we burned bridges with her. It would have been great if that match had worked but she wasn’t able to do the job no matter how hard she tried, and after two or three months of not being able to leave for work in the morning while we “helped” her with her job, we had to call it quits and move on.

I plan to do my best to match for close to the same time frame and then move on to another agency. Our amazing former LCC actually quit CC because she couldn’t work with the new program director (thenone in place now), and she switched to another agency. So I think we will follow her there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not bothered by the piling on, because I know how we tried to seek support for her and how much we encouraged her to talk to trusted family and friends and her agency support contacts, and I know how she reacted. So I don’t feel like we did something terribly wrong here. Keep in mind she had already rematched once and also blamed the family for that one.

The au pair who did endanger our children - what should I have done with that one? Stick with it because hey, we have more than one child, so if we lose one it’s no big deal? She was not someone you’d trust with your kids (or your car, or your unattended home).

And our first rematch was truly just not a good fit for either of us. She’s lovely and we still email one another, so I don’t think we burned bridges with her. It would have been great if that match had worked but she wasn’t able to do the job no matter how hard she tried, and after two or three months of not being able to leave for work in the morning while we “helped” her with her job, we had to call it quits and move on.

I plan to do my best to match for close to the same time frame and then move on to another agency. Our amazing former LCC actually quit CC because she couldn’t work with the new program director (thenone in place now), and she switched to another agency. So I think we will follow her there.

Speaking to friends and family is not a solution. Its a support, but at a minimum you should have taken her to a primary care doctor and gotten a referral for a therapist and possibly an antidepressant or referral to a psychiatrist and taken her at least to her first appointment.

[Anonymous]

PP, you sound either ignorant or delusional. One visit to a psychiatrist and an Rx for antidepressants? This isn’t a bacterial infection, it’s a long history of untreated depression, and one that will likely get worse as AP opens a big can of worms with a therapist or psychiatrist, before it gets better. AP will need a long-term relationship with her therapist or medical professional, as well as support from close friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you sound either ignorant or delusional. One visit to a psychiatrist and an Rx for antidepressants? This isn’t a bacterial infection, it’s a long history of untreated depression, and one that will likely get worse as AP opens a big can of worms with a therapist or psychiatrist, before it gets better. AP will need a long-term relationship with her therapist or medical professional, as well as support from close friends and family.

Many people have depression and function. Different countries deal with things differently and clearly in her country depression isn't taken seriously. It really depends on the person. Some can do great with just an antidepressant and some need more but there are no accusations of abuse or neglect and AP is doing her job. Why is it that hard to take her to a primary care and a therapy appointment or two? If you were in a foreign country providing care for someone's children, how would you want to be treated? As a parent, I'd be appalled if that was my child who was caring for your kids and you could not extend the least bit of kindness. This is an exchange program. OP needs a nanny if she doesn't want to treat the AP as family and be kind to them.

[Anonymous]

AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

She denied it after she reached out to OP who then shifted her to the LCC and both were not willing to help. OP is not a supportive host and what if something really bad happened to AP? Would OP just leave her alone in a hospital bed because she's too busy to care? Its a cultural exchange, so yes, she's an employee but there is more to agreeing to the program. In other countries, depression is ignored. It doesn't make her mom a bad parent but its cultural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

She denied it after she reached out to OP who then shifted her to the LCC and both were not willing to help. OP is not a supportive host and what if something really bad happened to AP? Would OP just leave her alone in a hospital bed because she's too busy to care? Its a cultural exchange, so yes, she's an employee but there is more to agreeing to the program. In other countries, depression is ignored. It doesn't make her mom a bad parent but its cultural.

According to you, it's okay for her mother - her flesh and blood - to ignore depression because it's "cultural," but OP should have hired other help, AND paid the Au Pair, AND taken off work to hold her hand through multiple doctor appointments? You've got to be kidding me.