Au pair informed me she is experiencing depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

She denied it after she reached out to OP who then shifted her to the LCC and both were not willing to help. OP is not a supportive host and what if something really bad happened to AP? Would OP just leave her alone in a hospital bed because she's too busy to care? Its a cultural exchange, so yes, she's an employee but there is more to agreeing to the program. In other countries, depression is ignored. It doesn't make her mom a bad parent but its cultural.

According to you, it's okay for her mother - her flesh and blood - to ignore depression because it's "cultural," but OP should have hired other help, AND paid the Au Pair, AND taken off work to hold her hand through multiple doctor appointments? You've got to be kidding me.

+2

Why is it OP’s job as a HOST MOM and not her REAL MOM?

APs totally pick and choose what being “part of the family” means. This is not OP’s responsibility.

Dealing with a little homesickness? Sure.

Admitting depression, denying it, and refusing counseling? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

She denied it after she reached out to OP who then shifted her to the LCC and both were not willing to help. OP is not a supportive host and what if something really bad happened to AP? Would OP just leave her alone in a hospital bed because she's too busy to care? Its a cultural exchange, so yes, she's an employee but there is more to agreeing to the program. In other countries, depression is ignored. It doesn't make her mom a bad parent but its cultural.

According to you, it's okay for her mother - her flesh and blood - to ignore depression because it's "cultural," but OP should have hired other help, AND paid the Au Pair, AND taken off work to hold her hand through multiple doctor appointments? You've got to be kidding me.

+2

Why is it OP’s job as a HOST MOM and not her REAL MOM?

APs totally pick and choose what being “part of the family” means. This is not OP’s responsibility.

Dealing with a little homesickness? Sure.

Admitting depression, denying it, and refusing counseling? Nope.

It is OP job as she is the substitute mom. She didn't refuse counseling. She reached out for help and no one showed her how to get therapy or help so she gave up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

She denied it after she reached out to OP who then shifted her to the LCC and both were not willing to help. OP is not a supportive host and what if something really bad happened to AP? Would OP just leave her alone in a hospital bed because she's too busy to care? Its a cultural exchange, so yes, she's an employee but there is more to agreeing to the program. In other countries, depression is ignored. It doesn't make her mom a bad parent but its cultural.

According to you, it's okay for her mother - her flesh and blood - to ignore depression because it's "cultural," but OP should have hired other help, AND paid the Au Pair, AND taken off work to hold her hand through multiple doctor appointments? You've got to be kidding me.

And this is why OP has burned through so many AP's.

[Anonymous]

It is OP job as she is the substitute mom. She didn't refuse counseling. She reached out for help and no one showed her how to get therapy or help so she gave up.

Substitute mom?! You have got to be kidding. None of our great and self-confident APs (young women!) would have accepted this. Compared to us OP has been Mother Theresa or Florence Nightingale.

How could she possibly have left an AP in charge who can‘t even tell whether she has bad-weather-blues combined with princess-disorder or a depression. For the very least it is clear that her AP was overly dramatic. If this AP had received counselling she would have really gotten into her self-diagnosed state. There are only very few therapists who have the courage/take the risk of calling a duck a duck.

OP, just make it clear to future candidates that you are not in for this kind of risky match.

Ready to be flamed - read excerpts from my handbook:

- You are the third adult in the house and we will treat and respect you accordingly.
- We expect you to be able to deal with foreseeable conflicts such as homesickness, making new friends and cultural differences
- We don‘t match with anyone with mental health issues or anyone on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication etc.
- We don‘t accept depressive or abnormally seclusive behaviour in our family as it takes its toll on everyone, especially our children. It‘s an absolute dealbreaker for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP’s mother said she just needs to go back to school, plus in the end, the AP decided to rematch and deny her own depression. Sounds like a messsed up family.

She denied it after she reached out to OP who then shifted her to the LCC and both were not willing to help. OP is not a supportive host and what if something really bad happened to AP? Would OP just leave her alone in a hospital bed because she's too busy to care? Its a cultural exchange, so yes, she's an employee but there is more to agreeing to the program. In other countries, depression is ignored. It doesn't make her mom a bad parent but its cultural.

According to you, it's okay for her mother - her flesh and blood - to ignore depression because it's "cultural," but OP should have hired other help, AND paid the Au Pair, AND taken off work to hold her hand through multiple doctor appointments? You've got to be kidding me.

And this is why OP has burned through so many AP's.

Naw,this is the reason why the depressed AP is looking for her third or fourth HF. She shouldn’t be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is OP job as she is the substitute mom. She didn't refuse counseling. She reached out for help and no one showed her how to get therapy or help so she gave up.

Substitute mom?! You have got to be kidding. None of our great and self-confident APs (young women!) would have accepted this. Compared to us OP has been Mother Theresa or Florence Nightingale.

How could she possibly have left an AP in charge who can‘t even tell whether she has bad-weather-blues combined with princess-disorder or a depression. For the very least it is clear that her AP was overly dramatic. If this AP had received counselling she would have really gotten into her self-diagnosed state. There are only very few therapists who have the courage/take the risk of calling a duck a duck.

OP, just make it clear to future candidates that you are not in for this kind of risky match.

Ready to be flamed - read excerpts from my handbook:

- You are the third adult in the house and we will treat and respect you accordingly.
- We expect you to be able to deal with foreseeable conflicts such as homesickness, making new friends and cultural differences
- We don‘t match with anyone with mental health issues or anyone on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication etc.
- We don‘t accept depressive or abnormally seclusive behaviour in our family as it takes its toll on everyone, especially our children. It‘s an absolute dealbreaker for us.

Good for you for putting it in your handbook, I assume you send them the handbook before they match, otherwise it is too late for this.

HFs, The previous poster who keeps defending the AP is a troll, please just ignore her!

[Anonymous]

OP, how is it going? Is she still working for you? Did she rematch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is it going? Is she still working for you? Did she rematch?

Yes, rematch at her choice. I think she’s likely headed home and wish her the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is OP job as she is the substitute mom. She didn't refuse counseling. She reached out for help and no one showed her how to get therapy or help so she gave up.

Substitute mom?! You have got to be kidding. None of our great and self-confident APs (young women!) would have accepted this. Compared to us OP has been Mother Theresa or Florence Nightingale.

How could she possibly have left an AP in charge who can‘t even tell whether she has bad-weather-blues combined with princess-disorder or a depression. For the very least it is clear that her AP was overly dramatic. If this AP had received counselling she would have really gotten into her self-diagnosed state. There are only very few therapists who have the courage/take the risk of calling a duck a duck.

OP, just make it clear to future candidates that you are not in for this kind of risky match.

Ready to be flamed - read excerpts from my handbook:

- You are the third adult in the house and we will treat and respect you accordingly.
- We expect you to be able to deal with foreseeable conflicts such as homesickness, making new friends and cultural differences
- We don‘t match with anyone with mental health issues or anyone on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication etc.
- We don‘t accept depressive or abnormally seclusive behaviour in our family as it takes its toll on everyone, especially our children. It‘s an absolute dealbreaker for us.

Wow, I can only imagine what kind of parent you are and your children will never ever come to you as you are heartless.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, go away troll.

Host mom being “substitute moms” is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard on these forums.

Well if I’m your “substitute mom”, then I can be telling you to be home by midnight and that “outfit” makes you look skanky.

No? You don’t want to hear it because I’m not your mom in any real way now?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Au pair set her rematch profile to “busy for personal reasons” and booked a flight back home on the same day her boyfriend is going home. So, that’s how it ended.

[Anonymous]

My two cents. You have an obligation to your children to not constantly expose them to a mentally unhealthy individual because they are likely too young to understand the situation and to process it in a constructive way. We had a depressed au pair — much like you described — and the effect it had on our child was not good. We left the program, hoping that the LCC would guide her on the right path to getting the help AP needed (she did not and instead rematched the aP in our same cluster, ug). If you are not a trained mental health professional, you cannot treat her depression, the best you can hope for is to help her to choose to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Au pair set her rematch profile to “busy for personal reasons” and booked a flight back home on the same day her boyfriend is going home. So, that’s how it ended.

Wait, there's a boyfriend? Is that what she was depressed about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Au pair set her rematch profile to “busy for personal reasons” and booked a flight back home on the same day her boyfriend is going home. So, that’s how it ended.

Wait, there's a boyfriend? Is that what she was depressed about?

Yes there was a boyfriend but no, that wasn’t what it was about. She’s had a history of depression and I think it was just returning again. The boyfriend is from the home country and already had travel planned here to visit her. (Which is why she had planned to wait to tell me she wanted to leave, because she didn’t want to “deal with it” before her boyfriend’s visit...but she booked a flight home for the same day he went home.)

Honestly I wish her the best. I think she’s an unhappy girl desperately trying to be happy and struggling to understand why this feeling of sadness keeps following her no matter where she goes.