I think I was fired for being gay.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that you lost your job, and that this old lady was such a busybody.

But as a parent, and nanny employer, let me just share some perspective on honesty.

We have three young children, one long term full time nanny, one long term part time (20+) hours a week, and a couple of weekend babysitters.
We also have many friends who are gay, and some who have gaybies, these friends are often in our home, we are totally open minded.

In September we hired a new part time sitter to work 25 hours a week with us, it's a permanent position and we pay well.
We hired a lady we liked a lot, the kids liked her, it seemed to be going well but then she flaked at the last minute a couple of times and that was a big challenge for us as two working parents, but the excuses she gave for being absent weren't ok with us.
She said she was helping different family members with random ailments, none of which we thought was a legitimate reason to miss work.
The poor judgment gave me pause and I googled her name, I found that she had a pretty active FB profile and that she's actually married to a woman.
As a couple they were having some issues and that's why she wasn't coming to work.

We ended up parting ways because she wasn't taking the job seriously, but also because she wasn't honest with us.
We are a private family, she was also a private person, but it became clear to us was that she wasn't upfront it made us question her character.
We lost our trust in her.

Try to shake this off, of course it's disappointing but all employers have influence over who they hire. Don't take it personally.

It's worth noting that OP's situation is quite different, because she *was* honest--there was no deception. What happened in your case was certainly problematic and frustrating and your response was very reasonable. But none of that happened in OP's case; she did take the job seriously, was honest (that's the crux of the issue!) and gave the family no reason to question her character or not to trust her. Totally different scenario.

OP, I'm sorry that happened, and wish there were protections for you and others in your shoes the way there are at larger businesses. I agree that, ridiculous as it is, you might want to come out in the interview to avoid having to go through this again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

The only thing you have to do is accept the reality of bigotry and the possibility that this could happen again. How you navigate that going forward is up to you and your preferences. You could continue to be a very private person and say nothing and hope this never happens again, you could talk about it up front (or even mention your family in your profile that parents read -- "I live with my fiancee, Beth, and our two dogs, Rex and Rover"), you could make sure to never tell and even tell lies to keep people from finding out, you could ask your own questions in the interview to determine how the family is likely to feel about a gay nanny, or you could bring it up a little later in the game.

I will say that if I had a nanny candidate who wouldn't talk about her private life at all, I would find that strange. It would be off-putting, and we probably wouldn't match. I don't need to know every little detail about your life, but our nannies have all talked about husbands/kids/parents/pets/etc. as a natural part of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

The only thing you have to do is accept the reality of bigotry and the possibility that this could happen again. How you navigate that going forward is up to you and your preferences. You could continue to be a very private person and say nothing and hope this never happens again, you could talk about it up front (or even mention your family in your profile that parents read -- "I live with my fiancee, Beth, and our two dogs, Rex and Rover"), you could make sure to never tell and even tell lies to keep people from finding out, you could ask your own questions in the interview to determine how the family is likely to feel about a gay nanny, or you could bring it up a little later in the game.

I will say that if I had a nanny candidate who wouldn't talk about her private life at all, I would find that strange. It would be off-putting, and we probably wouldn't match. I don't need to know every little detail about your life, but our nannies have all talked about husbands/kids/parents/pets/etc. as a natural part of conversation.

Why do expect your nanny to share her personal and/or sex life with you? Is this something you routinely share with your office.? I find this strange.

OP has every right to keep her personal life personal.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that you went through that. Unfortunately only employers who employ a certain number of employees (like 30) have to give you some kind of worker protection. So household employers who employee one employee do not count.

Also, they did not explicitly say the reason and could just say it’s because of some other reason so you have no recourse.

I would find another job with an eye to more progressive family so this kind of thing doesn’t happen again. There are a lot of progressive families. I don’t think you owe it to them to disclose at the interview. But it’s in your best interest to find a family that is accepting. I recommend you hold your cards close to your heart and keep commute distance, pay, number of kids, openness in mind when you evaluate where to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

Why is it odd? I am generally asked if I am married or have children. Being gay is who you are and nothing to be ashamed of or need to hide.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but sexual orientation is not a protected class, unless the protection arises under state law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

The only thing you have to do is accept the reality of bigotry and the possibility that this could happen again. How you navigate that going forward is up to you and your preferences. You could continue to be a very private person and say nothing and hope this never happens again, you could talk about it up front (or even mention your family in your profile that parents read -- "I live with my fiancee, Beth, and our two dogs, Rex and Rover"), you could make sure to never tell and even tell lies to keep people from finding out, you could ask your own questions in the interview to determine how the family is likely to feel about a gay nanny, or you could bring it up a little later in the game.

I will say that if I had a nanny candidate who wouldn't talk about her private life at all, I would find that strange. It would be off-putting, and we probably wouldn't match. I don't need to know every little detail about your life, but our nannies have all talked about husbands/kids/parents/pets/etc. as a natural part of conversation.

Why do expect your nanny to share her personal and/or sex life with you? Is this something you routinely share with your office.? I find this strange.

OP has every right to keep her personal life personal.

Umm ... yes. I routinely share information about my home life in my office. People know I'm married, have kids, live about a half-hour from work ... Those who I talk to more often know I have cats and parents in Alabama. Talking about your family is a time-honored ice-breaker. BTW, what does any of this have to do with anyone's sex life?

I fully accept that some people may have good reason not to talk about their family or living situation. But clear deflections of all those sorts of normal questions from someone who is going to be intimately involved in my family life would make me steer clear. She's not going to tell me why she won't tell me, or she would just tell me. And I want someone who is comfortable talking to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

The only thing you have to do is accept the reality of bigotry and the possibility that this could happen again. How you navigate that going forward is up to you and your preferences. You could continue to be a very private person and say nothing and hope this never happens again, you could talk about it up front (or even mention your family in your profile that parents read -- "I live with my fiancee, Beth, and our two dogs, Rex and Rover"), you could make sure to never tell and even tell lies to keep people from finding out, you could ask your own questions in the interview to determine how the family is likely to feel about a gay nanny, or you could bring it up a little later in the game.

I will say that if I had a nanny candidate who wouldn't talk about her private life at all, I would find that strange. It would be off-putting, and we probably wouldn't match. I don't need to know every little detail about your life, but our nannies have all talked about husbands/kids/parents/pets/etc. as a natural part of conversation.

Why do expect your nanny to share her personal and/or sex life with you? Is this something you routinely share with your office.? I find this strange.

OP has every right to keep her personal life personal.

I am a gay MB. Being gay isn't my personal life - it is my life! It is more than sex, PP, it is my family life, my partnerships, my home. It is who I am if I never had sexual relations again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

Either could work, but if you take a job with a family you know is conservative and you don’t disclose, you are running the risk of a repeat. Much easier to say up front “My fiancee Susie works late on Tuesdays so if you ever need me then I am free.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I’m getting mixed suggestions.

Either tell people in the interview (which seems odd to me) or do everything in my power to hide it.

Either could work, but if you take a job with a family you know is conservative and you don’t disclose, you are running the risk of a repeat. Much easier to say up front “My fiancee Susie works late on Tuesdays so if you ever need me then I am free.”

Heck, that might even snag you the job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that you lost your job, and that this old lady was such a busybody.

But as a parent, and nanny employer, let me just share some perspective on honesty.

We have three young children, one long term full time nanny, one long term part time (20+) hours a week, and a couple of weekend babysitters.
We also have many friends who are gay, and some who have gaybies, these friends are often in our home, we are totally open minded.

In September we hired a new part time sitter to work 25 hours a week with us, it's a permanent position and we pay well.
We hired a lady we liked a lot, the kids liked her, it seemed to be going well but then she flaked at the last minute a couple of times and that was a big challenge for us as two working parents, but the excuses she gave for being absent weren't ok with us.
She said she was helping different family members with random ailments, none of which we thought was a legitimate reason to miss work.
The poor judgment gave me pause and I googled her name, I found that she had a pretty active FB profile and that she's actually married to a woman.
As a couple they were having some issues and that's why she wasn't coming to work.

We ended up parting ways because she wasn't taking the job seriously, but also because she wasn't honest with us.
We are a private family, she was also a private person, but it became clear to us was that she wasn't upfront it made us question her character.
We lost our trust in her.

Try to shake this off, of course it's disappointing but all employers have influence over who they hire. Don't take it personally.

It's worth noting that OP's situation is quite different, because she *was* honest--there was no deception. What happened in your case was certainly problematic and frustrating and your response was very reasonable. But none of that happened in OP's case; she did take the job seriously, was honest (that's the crux of the issue!) and gave the family no reason to question her character or not to trust her. Totally different scenario.

OP, I'm sorry that happened, and wish there were protections for you and others in your shoes the way there are at larger businesses. I agree that, ridiculous as it is, you might want to come out in the interview to avoid having to go through this again.

OR - yes to be clear I was only making the reference to the lack of transparency upfront, and then the subsequent dishonesty as a result.
Our former Babysitter has a poor work ethic and had been dishonest about a lot of stuff.
But I also think I’d prefer an employee who I’m going to trust with my kids to be upfront with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that you lost your job, and that this old lady was such a busybody.

But as a parent, and nanny employer, let me just share some perspective on honesty.

We have three young children, one long term full time nanny, one long term part time (20+) hours a week, and a couple of weekend babysitters.
We also have many friends who are gay, and some who have gaybies, these friends are often in our home, we are totally open minded.

In September we hired a new part time sitter to work 25 hours a week with us, it's a permanent position and we pay well.
We hired a lady we liked a lot, the kids liked her, it seemed to be going well but then she flaked at the last minute a couple of times and that was a big challenge for us as two working parents, but the excuses she gave for being absent weren't ok with us.
She said she was helping different family members with random ailments, none of which we thought was a legitimate reason to miss work.
The poor judgment gave me pause and I googled her name, I found that she had a pretty active FB profile and that she's actually married to a woman.
As a couple they were having some issues and that's why she wasn't coming to work.

We ended up parting ways because she wasn't taking the job seriously, but also because she wasn't honest with us.
We are a private family, she was also a private person, but it became clear to us was that she wasn't upfront it made us question her character.
We lost our trust in her.

Try to shake this off, of course it's disappointing but all employers have influence over who they hire. Don't take it personally.

You pointing out that your former nanny was married to a woman means what? How exactly did you find out her and her wife, were having martial issues? And was she staying home on these days or did she actually go and help other families? The only reason you should have lost trust in your nanny was because she was not reporting to work, and therefore, that’s the reason you let her go.

People are cruel, and I’m sure, this is no suprrise to anyone. Op, I’m sorry you went through this. If you’re open to it, you can disclose that information with perspective employer(s), however, you do not have to- it’s no ones business. Your religion, ethnicity, sexual preference etc. has nothing to do with how you perform on a job, education and experience. Just like NF doesn’t want you to disclose any information about their family (i.e. address, occupation etc) the employee should have the same right to not disclose any information about their personal life (outside of required info for background checks) or their spouses. I do udestamd too, that people try to be polite, and that’s what it sounds like your we’re doing, but granny would have got “my fiancé is in real estate. Come on Johnny, let’s go color.” Any more questions, I would have nicely said “I really don’t like to discuss my personal life, I hope you can understand Mrs. Mary.”

I hope you don’t ever experience that again. If you do decide to share that information during an interview, you can inform them that you decided to share this information because of your previous place of employment. Share you story and let them know that it hurt and you wanted to give a family the option (whether they want to hire you because of your sexuality) before you build a bond with their children, to only be ripped away with no notice or goodbye to the children. I think any family open, non judge mental family would really appreciate you being open, but again, it’s no ones business.

Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that you lost your job, and that this old lady was such a busybody.

But as a parent, and nanny employer, let me just share some perspective on honesty.

We have three young children, one long term full time nanny, one long term part time (20+) hours a week, and a couple of weekend babysitters.
We also have many friends who are gay, and some who have gaybies, these friends are often in our home, we are totally open minded.

In September we hired a new part time sitter to work 25 hours a week with us, it's a permanent position and we pay well.
We hired a lady we liked a lot, the kids liked her, it seemed to be going well but then she flaked at the last minute a couple of times and that was a big challenge for us as two working parents, but the excuses she gave for being absent weren't ok with us.
She said she was helping different family members with random ailments, none of which we thought was a legitimate reason to miss work.
The poor judgment gave me pause and I googled her name, I found that she had a pretty active FB profile and that she's actually married to a woman.
As a couple they were having some issues and that's why she wasn't coming to work.

We ended up parting ways because she wasn't taking the job seriously, but also because she wasn't honest with us.
We are a private family, she was also a private person, but it became clear to us was that she wasn't upfront it made us question her character.
We lost our trust in her.

Try to shake this off, of course it's disappointing but all employers have influence over who they hire. Don't take it personally.

It's worth noting that OP's situation is quite different, because she *was* honest--there was no deception. What happened in your case was certainly problematic and frustrating and your response was very reasonable. But none of that happened in OP's case; she did take the job seriously, was honest (that's the crux of the issue!) and gave the family no reason to question her character or not to trust her. Totally different scenario.

OP, I'm sorry that happened, and wish there were protections for you and others in your shoes the way there are at larger businesses. I agree that, ridiculous as it is, you might want to come out in the interview to avoid having to go through this again.

OR - yes to be clear I was only making the reference to the lack of transparency upfront, and then the subsequent dishonesty as a result.
Our former Babysitter has a poor work ethic and had been dishonest about a lot of stuff.
But I also think I’d prefer an employee who I’m going to trust with my kids to be upfront with me

So, you are telling us you fired your nanny because she was lazy and missed work? She lied about why she was missing and overall had a bad work ethic. Ok, fair. What does that have to do with OP?

You aren’t insinuating she was fired for being dishonest? She shouldn’t have to tell any employer her private life.

[Anonymous]

This sucks, OP. It's sad there are so many people who are perfectly happy with your job until they find out you love someone they don't approve of. What doubly sucks is that if you were in an abusive relationship with an asshole, they'd be fine with it - or at least they wouldn't fire you over it - but no, god forbid you're in a relationship with a woman. Screw them.

When I was just starting out in early 2000s, I worked for an absolutely unreasonable woman. I realise now she was probably suffering from PPD, had no support from her husband whatsoever and just had no idea what to do with the baby, but back then I was hoping I would get hit by a bus every time I was going to their house.

She had a male cleaner who was very friendly and played peek-a-boo with the little boy and she was perfectly happy with his services. One day I came in and there was a new cleaner.

Me: Oh, is Mark on holiday?
MB: Oh no, I had to let him go because it turns out he's gay... I'm just so afraid with my little boy.

I don't remember what I said, but now, if I were in that situation again, I would absolutely have been like 'you know I'm gay, too, right?' Tbh I should have told her there and then, she would have fired me, and I would have been spared the next four awful months of working for her.

The moral of this story is, fuck those people. Now you can find someone who won't think you're an inappropriate influence on their children and would appreciate you for who you are. But if I were you, I would ask a couple of probing questions during interviews to find out their views. Life is too short to work for bigots.