Found husband's profile on a "cheating" website, what do I do??

post reply Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
[Post New]07/14/2016 14:25
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Please stop hijacking OP's thread. Start your own discussion.

OP, how are you doing?


OP here, thanks! I'm ok. I'm still trying to decide what to do. As far as I can tell he hasn't been back on that website nor has he read those emails/messages, unless there is a way for him to do it without it showing as "read" or showing he's been online there. Part of me really needs to know if he would ever take this farther which is why I haven't said anything yet but the other part of me is having a hard time not confronting him with it.

I guess the best case scenario is if I say something, he owns up to it, apologizes profusely, says he was stupid and just curious etc. Obviously that is better than my not saying anything and waiting for him to do something else. BUT even if that best case scenario happens, how do I know he's being honest and how do I know he won't do it again later and just be more careful so I don't find out? But I also don't want to just leave and say that's it from just this one thing. We would go to counseling but even then, I feel like I will always have some doubt. As I said before, I honestly thought we had a good marriage. His family always talks about how he is the happiest they've ever seen him thanks to me and the family we have and he confirms it. Obviously we have our disagreements but I don't think we do more than anyone else and it's always about little things. And contrary to what some DCUMers think our sex life is better now than when we were first married. So now I'm just really sad that my marriage is not what I thought it was.
[Post New]07/14/2016 15:16
quote
Anonymous
You wrote...

So now I'm just really sad that my marriage is not what I thought it was.

correction

So now I'm just really sad that my husband is not what I thought he was.
[Post New]07/14/2016 16:06
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You wrote...

So now I'm just really sad that my marriage is not what I thought it was.

correction

So now I'm just really sad that my husband is not what I thought he was.


OP here, yes, thank you for the correction. That's exactly correct.
[Post New]07/14/2016 16:30
quote
Anonymous
How about this, OP? You quietly keep an eye on things. You don't mention anything to him on what you've seen.

You make some casual comments of a neutral sort about how you guys have gotten into a rut, bogged down in taking care of jobs, kids, household, etc, and that you "miss" him and want to have more fun with him. You take things up a notch sexually. Give him more attention overall than you have been. Validate and make him feel good about things. He might feel like you're psychic. He might put aside his ideas about looking for something different.

You'll have done what you can to make things as good as you can. If he still goes looking elsewhere, it's 100 percent him and his issues, and that's beyond your control or responsibility.

I did all of the above and he still cheated, due to mid-life crisis issues and his other serious issues that created a dark, painful void in him. Things fell apart and he's been in therapy ever since.
[Post New]07/14/2016 16:42
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.


+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.


Could a key logger be easily loaded on an iPad without being detected? Not really a joint iPad, pretty much just used by DH. Sorry, but all of this is new to me


A key logger installed on a device that is not jointly owned is illegal.


Adultery is illegal. Going 1 MPH over the speed limit is illegal. .
[Post New]07/14/2016 16:51
quote
novaguy
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.


+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.


Could a key logger be easily loaded on an iPad without being detected? Not really a joint iPad, pretty much just used by DH. Sorry, but all of this is new to me


A key logger installed on a device that is not jointly owned is illegal.


Adultery is illegal. Going 1 MPH over the speed limit is illegal. .


Adultery is immoral. But it's not illegal. Unless you are in Saudi Arabia or similar.
[Post New]07/14/2016 19:48
quote
Anonymous
novaguy wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.


+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.


Could a key logger be easily loaded on an iPad without being detected? Not really a joint iPad, pretty much just used by DH. Sorry, but all of this is new to me


A key logger installed on a device that is not jointly owned is illegal.


Adultery is illegal. Going 1 MPH over the speed limit is illegal. .


Adultery is immoral. But it's not illegal. Unless you are in Saudi Arabia or similar.


In 21 states it is illegal, in 5 states being an AP is illegal. It's illegal if you're in the military.
[Post New]07/14/2016 20:07
quote
Anonymous
OP here, thanks! I'm ok. I'm still trying to decide what to do. As far as I can tell he hasn't been back on that website nor has he read those emails/messages, unless there is a way for him to do it without it showing as "read" or showing he's been online there. Part of me really needs to know if he would ever take this farther which is why I haven't said anything yet but the other part of me is having a hard time not confronting him with it.

I guess the best case scenario is if I say something, he owns up to it, apologizes profusely, says he was stupid and just curious etc. Obviously that is better than my not saying anything and waiting for him to do something else. BUT even if that best case scenario happens, how do I know he's being honest and how do I know he won't do it again later and just be more careful so I don't find out? But I also don't want to just leave and say that's it from just this one thing. We would go to counseling but even then, I feel like I will always have some doubt. As I said before, I honestly thought we had a good marriage. His family always talks about how he is the happiest they've ever seen him thanks to me and the family we have and he confirms it. Obviously we have our disagreements but I don't think we do more than anyone else and it's always about little things. And contrary to what some DCUMers think our sex life is better now than when we were first married. So now I'm just really sad that my marriage is not what I thought it was.


OP, it doesn't sound like he is serious about cheating or anything If he hasnt logged on or done anything else I suspect it was stupid curiosity. fwiw I once made up one of those profiles becuase I heard a coworker was on it and I was dying to know. Imagine if DH had seen that and thought I was looking to cheat.

While the temptation to keep snooping and checking up is enormous, it is not healthy for you or the marriage. What is healthy is for you to tell him what you saw and how much it upset you and let him deal with the consequences. But if there's been no follow up action, it seems like he was tyring to log on for curiosity or fantasy, not reality. But you need to talk about this. As one of the men above said, guys (people) do things that are dumb all the time. But if he is given a wake up call--like, holy hell I dont want to do anything to jeopardize this marriage to this amazing woman--then this is the mature and loving and fair thing to do: bring it up , be honest, and if there truly isn't a case to prosecute, let it go. Living in doubt and spying on your spouse is going to poison things.

good luck.
[Post New]07/14/2016 20:21
quote
Anonymous
i just want to recommend ethicalhacking76@gmail.com for all your hacking needs and for helping you catch your cheating spouse, i have used his service once and he really did a great job for me by spying on my husband’s phone communications like calls, text, emails, whatsapp and every other thing. someone referred me to him, and it was helpful, so am doing same for anyone out there that need such service. just message him, am quiet sure he will help you figure a way out.

[Post New]07/14/2016 20:47
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
novaguy wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.


+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.


Could a key logger be easily loaded on an iPad without being detected? Not really a joint iPad, pretty much just used by DH. Sorry, but all of this is new to me


A key logger installed on a device that is not jointly owned is illegal.


Adultery is illegal. Going 1 MPH over the speed limit is illegal. .


Adultery is immoral. But it's not illegal. Unless you are in Saudi Arabia or similar.


In 21 states it is illegal, in 5 states being an AP is illegal. It's illegal if you're in the military.


its illegal in MD and VA.
[Post New]07/15/2016 22:49
quote
Anonymous
OP here. He's on the website again, now, as I type this while I'm in bed and he's on his computer. I'm going to say something tomorrow night. The more I think about it the more I know I don't want him to go any farther and do something I won't be able to forgive. I know all that I need to know.
[Post New]07/15/2016 22:52
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He's on the website again, now, as I type this while I'm in bed and he's on his computer. I'm going to say something tomorrow night. The more I think about it the more I know I don't want him to go any farther and do something I won't be able to forgive. I know all that I need to know.


How do you know he's on?
[Post New]07/15/2016 22:58
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He's on the website again, now, as I type this while I'm in bed and he's on his computer. I'm going to say something tomorrow night. The more I think about it the more I know I don't want him to go any farther and do something I won't be able to forgive. I know all that I need to know.


How do you know he's on?


I made a fake profile so I could view his. It shows when he's online...
[Post New]07/15/2016 23:13
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He's on the website again, now, as I type this while I'm in bed and he's on his computer. I'm going to say something tomorrow night. The more I think about it the more I know I don't want him to go any farther and do something I won't be able to forgive. I know all that I need to know.


How do you know he's on?


I made a fake profile so I could view his. It shows when he's online...


Op, I just reread the first post about his profile and it says he's looking for something different. It's possible that he has specific fantasies or things he wants to do that he doesn't want to ask you to do. Sometimes a guy will want to try S&M or any manner of things that they would be embarrassed to ask their wife for, but they'd feel comfortable talking about it with a sex worker which is basically what a sugar baby is.
[Post New]07/15/2016 23:30
quote
Anonymous
Oh OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength over the weekend to do what you need to do and say what you want to say.
post reply Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Message Quick Reply
Go to: 

Search   Recent Topics   Hottest Topics