Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

Effectual?

Anonymous wrote:choose another male to mate with. #evolution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

I know, I've been wondering about that. OP, watch that you don't play the same type of role as your MIL with regard to deciding who your dh should be. Why don't you let him be who he is? If you think your sons will need to be involved with sports, why don't you arrange that?

Anonymous wrote:Leaders go camping?

Anonymous wrote:future red-shirted boy, guaranteed

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:choose another male to mate with. #evolution.

Except he seems like the more "evolved" person here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

I know, I've been wondering about that. OP, watch that you don't play the same type of role as your MIL with regard to deciding who your dh should be. Why don't you let him be who he is? If you think your sons will need to be involved with sports, why don't you arrange that?

what if he only wants to sit around? he needs to start stepping up.

I married someone who every weekend and every weeknight asks me, "what should we do?" After hearing this 10x a day for 7 years it's getting concerning.
Now he asks our toddlers the same thing constantly, like it's some new style of parenting. What should we do, what should we do, what should we do, what should we do, what should we do, what should we do, etc.

Ants in the kitchen! what should we do? Winter break coming up! what should we do? Pre-school deadlines! what should we do? Your parents are coming to visit for a week! what should we do? Kid's bday next month! what should we do? Taxes due in 4 weeks! what should we do?

It is exasperating. And far from attractive.

At some point you have to decide for yourself if you've seen enough and can live this way for longer. And god forbid something happens to you (accident, mentally, physically), would he step up then for you and his children???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:choose another male to mate with. #evolution.

Except he seems like the more "evolved" person here.

Not really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

I don't get it. You clearly don't respect your husband. Why are you with someone who you don't respect and talk about behind his back?

I suspect that you are more like his mother than you realize.