Concerned about dh being a father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Creating a healthy male-positive household implies that you will create a household in which all types of men are respected and all images of men are positive and reinforced -- from rugged macho men to intellectual men who don't play sports. Stating that certain types of men are not "healthy" is not positive. It's derogatory on its face, mean-spirited, and it's the antithesis of a male positive household.

The above adjectives are not mutually exclusive.

Anyhow, OP should ask her husband what kid of father he wants to be, and what he is looking fw to teaching his children. THen shut up and listen.

FWIW, my husband doesn't plan much of anything so when I asked him he replied, "Math." So that's what I'm dealing with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

[Anonymous]

Each of us brings our own strengths and weaknesses to our parenting.

If you are so worried about your DH's potential contributions as a father, don't procreate with him.

Likewise, don't forget his genetic contributions. Some of his choices may be related to lack of opportunities in his own life, but others may be related to his innate preferences. Don't assume that a child of his will be strikingly different from him.

If you choose to procreate with him, accept his likely strengths and weaknesses--and your own--and find ways of compensating. Scouting, for instance, could provide your kids (and your and DH!) with opportunities to learn outdoors skills. Other sports and leadership opportunities are out there, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

OP, it is not 1940. I know more about sports than my husband, which isn't saying much. He manages to make friends based on his other interests, like music, cooking, Buddhism, etc! You sound similar to his mother--micromanaging him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

This is OP. I did not know his parents well until after he proposed. It was truly a shock to witness their dynamic. His father is a huge pushover and literally takes crap from her all the time. At Christmas dinner, she would yell at him across the table about how incompetent he is. He'd just sit there and smile.

DH tells me now that his father stood by and did nothing when his mom was mean to him when he was little. DH has also been in emotionally abusive relationships before me. He loves that I am "normal" and treat him with respect. He did not realize that was normal and necessary. I worry how this will translate into our kids; especially if we have boys.

[Anonymous]

The OP as a mom - perpetually...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

This is OP. I did not know his parents well until after he proposed. It was truly a shock to witness their dynamic. His father is a huge pushover and literally takes crap from her all the time. At Christmas dinner, she would yell at him across the table about how incompetent he is. He'd just sit there and smile.

DH tells me now that his father stood by and did nothing when his mom was mean to him when he was little. DH has also been in emotionally abusive relationships before me. He loves that I am "normal" and treat him with respect. He did not realize that was normal and necessary. I worry how this will translate into our kids; especially if we have boys.

You believe that you are treating him respectfully by talking about your concerns about him being a weak un-masculine man who can't be a good father to boys because he didn't play sports?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

Op, if he is a good husband then they have not irreversibly damaged him. Plenty of people have shitty upbringings and manage to be fine. If HE is worried about this stuff then he can go to therapy. Otherwise, you should relax.

This is OP. I did not know his parents well until after he proposed. It was truly a shock to witness their dynamic. His father is a huge pushover and literally takes crap from her all the time. At Christmas dinner, she would yell at him across the table about how incompetent he is. He'd just sit there and smile.

DH tells me now that his father stood by and did nothing when his mom was mean to him when he was little. DH has also been in emotionally abusive relationships before me. He loves that I am "normal" and treat him with respect. He did not realize that was normal and necessary. I worry how this will translate into our kids; especially if we have boys.

[Anonymous]

Op, if he is a good husband then they have not irreversibly damaged him. Plenty of people have shitty upbringings and manage to be fine. If HE is worried about this stuff then he can go to therapy. Otherwise, you should relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if he is a good husband then they have not irreversibly damaged him. Plenty of people have shitty upbringings and manage to be fine. If HE is worried about this stuff then he can go to therapy. Otherwise, you should relax.

agree.

One of my best friends married a man who had a pretty negative childhood due to his crazy parents. He is an awesome dad and husband. Why? Because he knows what he does not want to do (be like his father/mother) and knows what he does want to do.

Hopefully OP's husband has some family goals, or can start formulating them. A couples counselor would help, he needs ideas, role models and the confidence to be the Head of the Household.


BTW, besides the trap he could fall into where he recreates the dynamic he grew up with, he could do the "re-invent things through his kids" and push them into everything, hard.

Please find a good balance, and do not worry. Have a lot of girlfriends and keep abreast of what the kiddos can sign up for/ be doing. Hopefully your spouse has some ideas and goals as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

Has this already happened? Is this the real question of your post, OP? You wanted a partner and got a quiet, naive, indecisive one instead?

[Anonymous]

future red-shirted boy, guaranteed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.
The real question is what came first? Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out. OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment.

This is OP. I did not know his parents well until after he proposed. It was truly a shock to witness their dynamic. His father is a huge pushover and literally takes crap from her all the time. At Christmas dinner, she would yell at him across the table about how incompetent he is. He'd just sit there and smile.

DH tells me now that his father stood by and did nothing when his mom was mean to him when he was little. DH has also been in emotionally abusive relationships before me. He loves that I am "normal" and treat him with respect. He did not realize that was normal and necessary. I worry how this will translate into our kids; especially if we have boys.

he sounds passive aggressive. he may have truly been incompetent, sometimes on purpose (passive aggressive), and that drives anyone mad.
what was the mom really saying? that she asked him to do something and he didn't?

but then again, she was mean to a child as well, which is alarming.

not good. I'd rec therapy for all. he needs some examples on how to communicate, how to relate to others, how to be empowered.

[Anonymous]

Since you don't have kids yet it's not too late for your husband to pick one or two 'manly' hobbies and try to get up to speed. He can lock an area of interest and then join Meetup or find s club to participate in.

[Anonymous]

choose another male to mate with. #evolution.