Concerned about dh being a father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

[Anonymous]

Being a "man" is just being responsible, disciplined and fair towards others.

There are plenty of manboys who are into sports and acting macho, but are irresponsible, selfish slobs.

I hope your son isn't damaged when you emotionally reject him for being "too sensitive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh not every father is alpha. But you'd be surprised how easily the boy's Y chromosome will take over. I never did much in the way of sports - I was a bookworm - but both our sons are sports crazy and love being outdoors.

The main thing you can do is not be like his mom. This might be hard, but don't dominate your sons or your husband. Encourage your husband to be a leader within the family, if not anywhere else, and let your sons see that happening.

agree. this must happen. he must be the head of the household, have opinions on matters and take initiative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

In fairness to your DH. I don't think writing music is "similar to video games." Other than the fact that they both involve electronics, one is a creative activity and one is mostly mindless entertainment. I hope you don't think the creative arts are "unmanly."

[Anonymous]

This guy is totally hosed if his income ever takes a hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

OP, what matters in this situation is what your husband wants. Does he want to be the kind of father who teaches his sons to play a sport and takes them camping? If so, then it doesn't really matter if he did not do those things as a child. If he wants to go camping, he can go to REI this afternoon, tell them he needs a full camping kit, and y'all can go into the woods this weekend. These are things he can LEARN. I am a woman, and I learned all the stuff you're talking about from my mom. My dad is a literature professor who likes camping, but my mom was the hands-on one.

I know you are talking about having sons, but I am concerned about how your perception of gender roles will affect your daughters. Why does a "strong father figure" need to be athletic and versed in wilderness survival? Do you believe that women can be leaders and take an active role in the community?

OP needs to do this. and hope her DH follows directions well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

So you married a girly man ? LOL. Should have done your homework before the marriage. Maybe you can find him a man camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

In fairness to your DH. I don't think writing music is "similar to video games." Other than the fact that they both involve electronics, one is a creative activity and one is mostly mindless entertainment. I hope you don't think the creative arts are "unmanly."

it is when you go from 150 to 200 pounds in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

Look, it really depends on the kid as much as the parents. I'm not sporty, and I'm married to a musician who is also not sporty. Our daughter is sporty, though, so we muddle through ballet and soccer and karate and whatever else she wants to do. We take her to soccer games and baseball games and take her swimming. Those are the things that are important to her. OP is looking at this all wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy is totally hosed if his income ever takes a hit.

My DH is a people pleaser. Hhe doesn't even care if our paycheck and taxes are wrong. "Oh, I don't want to rock the boat at work, they can keep the $10,000."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

In fairness to your DH. I don't think writing music is "similar to video games." Other than the fact that they both involve electronics, one is a creative activity and one is mostly mindless entertainment. I hope you don't think the creative arts are "unmanly."

it is when you go from 150 to 200 pounds in HS.

It is possible for a person to have a hobby and still not get fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

oh man. I married a beta guy who had an effectual father figure and passive mother - his only hobby was similar to video games, making digital music.

anyhow, we only have girls but i'm still concerned since my DH has zero role models on how to father, be a leader, practice sports, etc. It is an added burden on me.
I may have to do what my MIL did and just do nothing. she was overwhelmed at her situation and little contribution from her spouse so the kids ended up doing nothing.

you're just going to have to step up. organized sports will help later, when ages 6-8 and over. meanwhile, watch the olympics, go to live games, practice Tball, go to HS games, go to the Y and watch people do various sports and exercise, different camps.

But you're never going to have the type of spouse who is out there practicing batting or fielding grounders. or making the kid jump into the pool and do 5 sec underwater. or spend a few hours a week drilling layups and free throws. just not in his DNA.

This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

I don't get it. You clearly don't respect your husband. Why are you with someone who you don't respect and talk about behind his back?

I suspect that you are more like his mother than you realize.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you have a child, you will quickly learn what they like and dont like, and will learn what you need to in order to get by. If you have boys, and want them to like sports, you will learn about sports then. Same with camping. Or Boy Scouts, etc.

For instance: My 3 yo DS loves Thomas the Tank Engine and all of the other engines. My DH and I went into it knowing nothing about Thomas and/or trains in general, but we now know all of their names, storylines, etc.

My 3 yo DS does not like to ride his tricycle because (we think) he would rather we do the work of pushing him in another toy vs his pedaling. We think it is something he needs to learn, so we are learning ourselves how to teach him.

A friend has an older child who is a swimmer. She knows 1000x more than she did now that her child has started swimming than before she had a reason to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?