Concerned about dh being a father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

Let me get this straight...so you married a guy who, from your description, is basically a punk MF and your worried your sons will come out the same? First of all a man isn't a man based on if he can kick a guys butt in an alley. Second if he has issues with his over bearing mom get him some help. Stop worrying about if your husband is going to raise your sons as girly girls and let him be a father.

[Anonymous]

You should be worried about you and your views. Your stereotypes scare me.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, OP, I find your perspective on gender pretty depressing. Agree with a pp about creating the Brocks of this world.

[Anonymous]

Creating a healthy male-positive household implies that you will create a household in which all types of men are respected and all images of men are positive and reinforced -- from rugged macho men to intellectual men who don't play sports. Stating that certain types of men are not "healthy" is not positive. It's derogatory on its face, mean-spirited, and it's the antithesis of a male positive household.

[Anonymous]

My DH grew up in one of the biggest cities in the world, surrounded by concrete. He is not outdoorsy at ALL and thinks I'm crazy when I suggest things like going for a hike.

He's also bilingual, traveled all over the world, has friends from all types of background and ethnicities, and can get along and talk to ANYONE.

I kill the bugs in the bugs in the house and pick up the worms. I'm not scared crabs in the ocean like he is.

He's also a wonderful father. Our DD adores him, trusts him, loves him and will learn amazing things from him. We're having a boy now too, and I know he'll feel the same way.

That is worth WAY more than taking them camping to make them "alpha".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

OP -- honestly, I'd be more concerned about you being a mother. I can guarantee that you will not create healthy, well-adjusted boys with the sterotypes and judgement your exercising right now. Your husband is a man, whether you believe it or not. Being a man doesn't mean he needs to be going camping or talk about sports. There are dozens of ways to expose your sons to such things -- have them go to a hiking camp, enroll them into sports, etc. Do you go camping and watch football? If yes, then take your kids camping and to a football game, or watch games on tv. If not, why not? Please don't tell me because they aren't feminine enough. Step up to the plate and be a parent. Focus on creating good individuals, and drop the stereotypes. Listen to your kids and find out what their interests are, and foster them. Don't make them feel less masculine just because they don't like what you consider to be "masculine."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

OP -- honestly, I'd be more concerned about you being a mother. I can guarantee that you will not create healthy, well-adjusted boys with the sterotypes and judgement your exercising right now. Your husband is a man, whether you believe it or not. Being a man doesn't mean he needs to be going camping or talk about sports. There are dozens of ways to expose your sons to such things -- have them go to a hiking camp, enroll them into sports, etc. Do you go camping and watch football? If yes, then take your kids camping and to a football game, or watch games on tv. If not, why not? Please don't tell me because they aren't feminine enough. Step up to the plate and be a parent. Focus on creating good individuals, and drop the stereotypes. Listen to your kids and find out what their interests are, and foster them. Don't make them feel less masculine just because they don't like what you consider to be "masculine."

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

OP -- honestly, I'd be more concerned about you being a mother. I can guarantee that you will not create healthy, well-adjusted boys with the sterotypes and judgement your exercising right now. Your husband is a man, whether you believe it or not. Being a man doesn't mean he needs to be going camping or talk about sports. There are dozens of ways to expose your sons to such things -- have them go to a hiking camp, enroll them into sports, etc. Do you go camping and watch football? If yes, then take your kids camping and to a football game, or watch games on tv. If not, why not? Please don't tell me because they aren't feminine enough. Step up to the plate and be a parent. Focus on creating good individuals, and drop the stereotypes. Listen to your kids and find out what their interests are, and foster them. Don't make them feel less masculine just because they don't like what you consider to be "masculine."

+1

[Anonymous]

Dafuq did I just read?

I was really concerned about OP, and then I swapped the genders in her post and was concerned with humanity as a whole. How many women do this same crap to their daughters? Shoes, makeup, princess stuff... like that's all "girls" can communicate about.

OP, there are as many ways to "be a man" as there are men on the planet. Not all men enjoy sports, and they're certainly not the secret male-bonding handshake you seem to assume them to be. Similarly, liking sports, camping, and having a penis aren't guarantees against "wimpiness" (whatever that may mean to you), nor is being "wimpy" (or perhaps more accurately "sensitive") some kind of social curse in any but a toxically hyper-masculine culture that doesn't allow boys/men to be actual people with feelings.

Like several PPs, I'm concerned about you being a mother. And a wife. And a human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dafuq did I just read?

I was really concerned about OP, and then I swapped the genders in her post and was concerned with humanity as a whole. How many women do this same crap to their daughters? Shoes, makeup, princess stuff... like that's all "girls" can communicate about.

OP, there are as many ways to "be a man" as there are men on the planet. Not all men enjoy sports, and they're certainly not the secret male-bonding handshake you seem to assume them to be. Similarly, liking sports, camping, and having a penis aren't guarantees against "wimpiness" (whatever that may mean to you), nor is being "wimpy" (or perhaps more accurately "sensitive") some kind of social curse in any but a toxically hyper-masculine culture that doesn't allow boys/men to be actual people with feelings.

Like several PPs, I'm concerned about you being a mother. And a wife. And a human.

That is unfair.

I express concern because my dh, himself, has expressed resentment and regret over not being socialized like other boys by his parents. He had tough time as a kid, being bullied in middle and high school for being "wimpy." He found his footing in college and has grown into a wonderful young adult. We both do NOT want our boy to have to go through that.

I also babysit a lot, and I've noticed in our neighborhood that the boys who do well have fathers who are involved in boy-activities. This popular kid in our neighborhood, his father coaches their baseball team and he and his little friends think they're awesomesauce. This other boy, who is a video game nerd like his dad, is bullied and isolated. Its painful to watch.

[Anonymous]

WTF, OP. What a skewed, distorted, unhealthy perspective.
You can't change your DH - you shouldn't want to! Poor guy.
He married the wrong person. Go find an alpha a-hole.

FFS, I hope you're a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dafuq did I just read?

I was really concerned about OP, and then I swapped the genders in her post and was concerned with humanity as a whole. How many women do this same crap to their daughters? Shoes, makeup, princess stuff... like that's all "girls" can communicate about.

OP, there are as many ways to "be a man" as there are men on the planet. Not all men enjoy sports, and they're certainly not the secret male-bonding handshake you seem to assume them to be. Similarly, liking sports, camping, and having a penis aren't guarantees against "wimpiness" (whatever that may mean to you), nor is being "wimpy" (or perhaps more accurately "sensitive") some kind of social curse in any but a toxically hyper-masculine culture that doesn't allow boys/men to be actual people with feelings.

Like several PPs, I'm concerned about you being a mother. And a wife. And a human.

That is unfair.

I express concern because my dh, himself, has expressed resentment and regret over not being socialized like other boys by his parents. He had tough time as a kid, being bullied in middle and high school for being "wimpy." He found his footing in college and has grown into a wonderful young adult. We both do NOT want our boy to have to go through that.

I also babysit a lot, and I've noticed in our neighborhood that the boys who do well have fathers who are involved in boy-activities. This popular kid in our neighborhood, his father coaches their baseball team and he and his little friends think they're awesomesauce. This other boy, who is a video game nerd like his dad, is bullied and isolated. Its painful to watch.

You are probably just noticing the boys who who stuff with their fathers in a public, outdoorsy or sporty way. You won't see the dads reading stories in bed with their sons or building model trains, etc. But they're there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'll bite and say I see what you're saying. You want your son to have an easier childhood than your DH did. There was a point where we thought my brother might be gay, and my mom often said (not to him) that she wouldn't care at all except that it might make his life harder in today's society. Traditional "boy" life, right or wrong, often does center around sports and "male" dominated activities, and boys who don't participate in those may sometimes be teased. I get it.

My DH is also a sweet and kind guy who's an introvert. He's athletic, but not in a touch football kind of way - he's a distance runner and prefers to work out solo. My sons are young but are already the most rough and tumble kids you'll ever see, as well as being extremely outgoing, which my DH is not and never was, even as a child. They adore him and though he does participate in the sports stuff with them, etc, he's not the type to coach or organize. And they're doing more than fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

So if your DH doesn't take your sons camping or watch or play sports with them, they will be "wimpy"?? There are so many things wrong with your OP and views on gender I don't even know where to begin. And it seems crazy to have to point this out, but here goes: there is SO much more to being a man than camping, sports and other traditional gender stereotypes. How about focusing on the positive attributes your DH brings to your family instead of focusing on what you think will be lacking? You never know - he might get interested in some of these things if he has sons of his own precisely because he feels like he missed out as a child. But even if he doesn't develop an interest, he can still provide a positive male role model for your children of either gender even if he isn't outdoorsy or athletic.

[Anonymous]

The video game nerd is going to grow up and be loving and sensitive to his wife and make a gazillion dollars.

The popular kid is going to peak in high school and it will all be downhill from there as he grows a huge pot belly and gets old and bitter about his glory days.

I jest. You worry about your kid being "wimpy"? And think the potential problem lies in your DH's perceived inadequacies? You need to work on yourself, my friend. There are plenty of books out there about raising boys. I suggest you read some. And as others have said, if you want your kid to camp or play baseball --which he may have no interest in! He may want to play house with his girl friends, gasp! -- take him yourself.