Concerned about dh being a father

[Anonymous]

My DH is very "alpha" but is a city boy who doesn't hunt, camp or fish. He pays people to fix things instead of trying to DIY. Who cares? He's a great dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dafuq did I just read?

I was really concerned about OP, and then I swapped the genders in her post and was concerned with humanity as a whole. How many women do this same crap to their daughters? Shoes, makeup, princess stuff... like that's all "girls" can communicate about.

OP, there are as many ways to "be a man" as there are men on the planet. Not all men enjoy sports, and they're certainly not the secret male-bonding handshake you seem to assume them to be. Similarly, liking sports, camping, and having a penis aren't guarantees against "wimpiness" (whatever that may mean to you), nor is being "wimpy" (or perhaps more accurately "sensitive") some kind of social curse in any but a toxically hyper-masculine culture that doesn't allow boys/men to be actual people with feelings.

Like several PPs, I'm concerned about you being a mother. And a wife. And a human.

That is unfair.

I express concern because my dh, himself, has expressed resentment and regret over not being socialized like other boys by his parents. He had tough time as a kid, being bullied in middle and high school for being "wimpy." He found his footing in college and has grown into a wonderful young adult. We both do NOT want our boy to have to go through that.

I also babysit a lot, and I've noticed in our neighborhood that the boys who do well have fathers who are involved in boy-activities. This popular kid in our neighborhood, his father coaches their baseball team and he and his little friends think they're awesomesauce. This other boy, who is a video game nerd like his dad, is bullied and isolated. Its painful to watch.

So the good news is that your DH a knowledges he missed something in his childhood. Now if he has boys and also girls he can step up and figure out how to be the kind of dad he wanted to have. He can learn about camping and sports and tech his kids at the same time. He just had to put forth effort and without you telling him how to be a dad or a guy. If he is as sweet and smart as you say he is he will work it out his own way. When you guys get pregnant he can make a list of all the stuff he wants to do with the kid and the kinds of experiences he longed for as a child and get working on the list.

My DH is a total guy, marine, sports nut, hates pink and girly/frilly things. Guess what, we had a girl. And he is smart enough to get that he's going to do some things that he likes with her (camping, swimming, sports) but he also will learn to like things she likes. So if she wants to play tea party and princesses he'll be a prince and pour the tea and wear a tiara.

[Anonymous]

The most crucial aspect of being a father is being there...
Whether he wants to take his son in the backyard to toss the ol' football around or looks forward to making up dance routines in the living room the fact of the matter is that a present, caring, loving, nurturing, strong and supportive Dad is a great dad - period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

So if your DH doesn't take your sons camping or watch or play sports with them, they will be "wimpy"?? There are so many things wrong with your OP and views on gender I don't even know where to begin. And it seems crazy to have to point this out, but here goes: there is SO much more to being a man than camping, sports and other traditional gender stereotypes. How about focusing on the positive attributes your DH brings to your family instead of focusing on what you think will be lacking? You never know - he might get interested in some of these things if he has sons of his own precisely because he feels like he missed out as a child. But even if he doesn't develop an interest, he can still provide a positive male role model for your children of either gender even if he isn't outdoorsy or athletic.

Of course I appreciate and admire all the positive traits he will to fatherhood. I want well-adjusted boys. I WANT them to be well read and intellectually curious like their father but I also want them to get along with other boys, play sports and be rough and tough. I want a healthy balance. And since I myself am a girly-girl and my dh is an introverted nerd, I worry who will help demonstrate the healthy balance of being athletic and smart to our boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dafuq did I just read?

I was really concerned about OP, and then I swapped the genders in her post and was concerned with humanity as a whole. How many women do this same crap to their daughters? Shoes, makeup, princess stuff... like that's all "girls" can communicate about.

OP, there are as many ways to "be a man" as there are men on the planet. Not all men enjoy sports, and they're certainly not the secret male-bonding handshake you seem to assume them to be. Similarly, liking sports, camping, and having a penis aren't guarantees against "wimpiness" (whatever that may mean to you), nor is being "wimpy" (or perhaps more accurately "sensitive") some kind of social curse in any but a toxically hyper-masculine culture that doesn't allow boys/men to be actual people with feelings.

Like several PPs, I'm concerned about you being a mother. And a wife. And a human.

That is unfair.

I express concern because my dh, himself, has expressed resentment and regret over not being socialized like other boys by his parents. He had tough time as a kid, being bullied in middle and high school for being "wimpy." He found his footing in college and has grown into a wonderful young adult. We both do NOT want our boy to have to go through that.

I also babysit a lot, and I've noticed in our neighborhood that the boys who do well have fathers who are involved in boy-activities. This popular kid in our neighborhood, his father coaches their baseball team and he and his little friends think they're awesomesauce. This other boy, who is a video game nerd like his dad, is bullied and isolated. Its painful to watch.

Sounds like both you and your DH are projecting quite a bit here, not to mention that you're equating popularity with being well-adjusted. Instead of focusing on whether your DH will play sports or be involved in "boy-activities" to help your son not get bullied, perhaps you should instead figure out how to raise a resilient, self-assured kid who can stand up to anyone who might try to bully him regardless of how he looks, whether he plays sports or is into video games, AND who won't be a bully himself. Playing sports or having your dad involved in such activities does not guarantee that your kid won't be bullied or have an easy time growing up.

[Anonymous]

MRA guy, is that you trollin'?

[Anonymous]

OMG OP, if you ever do end up having kids you will look back at this post and laugh because it is so silly and naive. Who your hypothetical kids will end up being will be largerly determined by nature, as long as you dont hold them back like your DHs mother. Instead of questionng your husbands manhood, give him confidence that he will be a great dad. Your idea of manly is the stupidest stereotype filled bs I've heard in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a strong father figure isn't about being hyper masculine. It's about being a role model for your children, showing them how to be a good person and how to treat people. Going camping doesn't make a man more of a man.

This is OP.Sure, I understand that. I love my dh because he is not a bonehead and is instead sophisticated and well read. Now I also know that my dh does feel like he missed out. His dad was NOT "macho" or outdoorsy at all. He never played a sport with my dh, worked out, went hiking or anything like that. He also, like my dh is a homebody and does not have any male friends!! I don't think this is healthy. I keep encouraging dh to go out and socialize with guys. My dh says he was so sheltered as a young boy that he started watching football in college with his GF. Until then, he couldn't even connect with other men about sports!

I really want to create a healthy, male positive household and raise well adjusted and NOT wimpy boys!

So if your DH doesn't take your sons camping or watch or play sports with them, they will be "wimpy"?? There are so many things wrong with your OP and views on gender I don't even know where to begin. And it seems crazy to have to point this out, but here goes: there is SO much more to being a man than camping, sports and other traditional gender stereotypes. How about focusing on the positive attributes your DH brings to your family instead of focusing on what you think will be lacking? You never know - he might get interested in some of these things if he has sons of his own precisely because he feels like he missed out as a child. But even if he doesn't develop an interest, he can still provide a positive male role model for your children of either gender even if he isn't outdoorsy or athletic.

Of course I appreciate and admire all the positive traits he will to fatherhood. I want well-adjusted boys. I WANT them to be well read and intellectually curious like their father but I also want them to get along with other boys, play sports and be rough and tough. I want a healthy balance. And since I myself am a girly-girl and my dh is an introverted nerd, I worry who will help demonstrate the healthy balance of being athletic and smart to our boys.

So much of this is innate, though, depending upon your child's personality. Not all boys are interested in sports, even if their fathers are. Not all boys like to be rough and tumble or play with other boys, even if their fathers are super social. FWIW, my father was never in the picture and my 2 younger brothers are well-adjusted, normal men. Both of them grew up playing several sports (as did I) and were very much into typical boy things. They have always had a lot of friends and still do. It's just their personalities, even though there wasn't a father figure to "demonstrate" how to be this way. Also, don't underestimate your role as a mother. You can shape your boys just as much as your DH can. Boys don't learn how to be men solely from their fathers; they also learn a lot of it from their mothers.

[Anonymous]

A whole generation of men will grow up gaming and not playing outside. I'm sure most of them will be just fine when it comes to fatherhood.

the more "beta" dads I know from school are really great dads. They are warm and encouraging and involved, and they are raising nice kids. The bullies in my daughter's class were raised by alpha males, for the most part.

I was not an especially athletic kid but I'm raising an athletic kid simply by signing her up, taking her to practices and games and helping out where needed. I'm not particularly fond of camping, but I think it's a good experience for kids, so I'm going to force myself to do it with our girl scout troop.

[Anonymous]

OP you're an idiot for having a fit about the social life of your "future" children.
How about you get try getting pregnant and actually carrying a baby to term first before you start stressing about that shit dumb ass.
And if you think its a walk in the park to have a healthy kid you may wanna skim the Trying to Conceive (TTC) and Kids With Special Needs forums for a nice little wake up call.
Believe it or not OP there are a hell of a whole lot other things you can worry yourself sick over besides some bullshit alpha-male expectations for a kid you don't even have.
Swear some of you people are so friggin stupid.

[Anonymous]

I basically stopped reading at the use of the word "awesomesauce" but am glad I held on for that video of the dancing dad/son because it is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I basically stopped reading at the use of the word "awesomesauce" but am glad I held on for that video of the dancing dad/son because it is great.

I gave up after "I want my DS to be rough and tough", and "I want my son to be blah, blah, blah".

You CANNOT be real, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, for outdoorsy stuff, maybe enroll him in Boy Scouts? Your DS can do sports even if your DH is not sportsy. This is my DS and DH. We have DS do some kind of sports because we want him to be physically active. It can be swimming, tennis, etc.. doesn't have to be soccer, lax, hockey. I also take an active role in sportsy stuff. My DH is not from the US, so I have gone outside to shoot hoops with my DS, play tennis with him, etc.. You can also suggest going on hikes for the entire family. It doesn't just have to be your DH pushing it for things like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is kind, sweet and adorable. He works hard, provides for us and is a super husband in that he takes care of all my needs. He however, is not "alpha" in any way and I sense it is because he grew up with a super overbearing, emotionally abusive mother who did NOT let him be a boy. He tells me that when he was a little boy, he was not allowed to go outdoors, play a sport or do anything out of his own because his mother was scared he will get hurt. As such, he grew up watching TV and playing video games. He has a hard time relating to other men because he isn't..."manly" like them. He mostly hangs out with me and has superficial relationships with other men.

I am now, worried about how this will affect our future children, especially if they are boys. I want my boys to have a strong father figure to look up to. I want my dh to take them camping, do outdoorsy sport activities with them and teach them how to be a male who can be leaders and take an active role in a community. I think my dh is also worried about this as he keeps saying he wants to have only little girls. I know he knows how he lacked a "manly" education and he will not be able to offer that to our kid. What can we do?

OP, what matters in this situation is what your husband wants. Does he want to be the kind of father who teaches his sons to play a sport and takes them camping? If so, then it doesn't really matter if he did not do those things as a child. If he wants to go camping, he can go to REI this afternoon, tell them he needs a full camping kit, and y'all can go into the woods this weekend. These are things he can LEARN. I am a woman, and I learned all the stuff you're talking about from my mom. My dad is a literature professor who likes camping, but my mom was the hands-on one.

I know you are talking about having sons, but I am concerned about how your perception of gender roles will affect your daughters. Why does a "strong father figure" need to be athletic and versed in wilderness survival? Do you believe that women can be leaders and take an active role in the community?

[Anonymous]

Wow. oP really shouldn't be a mom. And her poor husband deserves a better wife.

Btw, several of DH's friends don't like sports and no one would ever call them wimpy.