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Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.
Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.
Reading comprehension might be off here - but I don't think anyone said anything about locking someone in a room...
If anything - she said she locked herself in the room - the husband simply unlocked the door and came in... which pissed her off so she pushed him - which she admits is wrong... but she said she does it because she is raging.
He needs to respect her boundaries and he needs to figure out that she just needs time to cool off and relax - not that the relationship is going to end because of 30 minutes of not fighting.
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I had this exact issue with an Asian BF. He'd stare openly at all women, and Asian women were goddesses of perfection in every aspect, from their looks to how they treated a man. And in his culture, underneath the "family first" facade, the unfortunate norm was that men were expected to cheat, and women put up with it and blamed themselves.
Just do yourself a favor and drop him. If he makes you feel this way, and up until now you've been a secure person, it's HIM, and your gut is telling you the right thing. I wish I'd listened to my gut back then, when I'd feel humiliated by his staring at women, and sometimes the women would catch my eye and give me this look of pity, like, "I can't believe your asshole boyfriend treats you this way."
LOL - people check people out. If that makes you insecure - then you probably need to focus on bettering yourself and figuring out why you are insecure. You probably become insecure when your significant other watches porn.
Instead of blaming the boyfriend, maybe you should give advice that is going to help this young lady.
OP - while this man may look at other women, I think you really need to take the time to figure out what makes you insecure. Quite frankly, if you were secure to begin with, no one would make you feel otherwise. And if you were really secure, you wouldn't be in this position in the first place.
Think about what makes this boyfriend different from others... Is he more successful? More attractive? More intelligent? Is the nature of your relationship different? Do you care more about this one than others in the past?
You also want to start thinking about why you don't feel good enough for him or why you feel as though you don't deserve him.
The fact that you see an attractive person and that ruins your night - that is YOUR issue - not his.
So you think it's fine for men to ogle and leer at other women when they're out with their gf/wife, and that any woman who finds it disrespectful and creepy has the problem. We all know people check people out. There's a difference between a quick look, and fixating like a starving dog that sees a hunk of meat. When everyone around notices a guy staring obsessively, so that it makes people uncomfortable, that's the guy's issue. Don't blame the women. Guys who do this and also carry on about their exes? They are typically always looking for something better than you, and often turn out to be liars and cheaters who are going to make you feel bad about yourself as long as you keep them around.
Op here: He's not more successful, attractive or intelligent compared to my exs. I know that sounds bad but it's true. He's cute in my eyes though! I am really attracted to him. He's nicer. He's good at sports and sweeter than my exs. He's better at giving massages. He told me his ex complained about the same thing. He's definitely getting better at not staring as much. He did this so many times before though. I can't get rid of these thoughts. I think I need to start fresh with someone else.
Then you should. Do him a favor.
So, let's get this straight -
In the beginning of the relationship - he used to stare at women a lot, and talk about his ex...
Now that you are more established - he talks about his ex a lot less and doesn't stare as much - but you can't let go of the fact that it happened - even though it is - in your words - improving...
That sounds like a YOU problem - YOU are insecure.
And in case you didn't figure it out - you are insecure because this one treats you nicer, is sweeter, and because of those things - you like him more than possibly your other exes...
There is nothing wrong with being insecure - the issue is that you finally have something that you fear losing... Happens to a lot of people.
No it was more like the first few years! Maybe I'm not fixating on it anymore. I'm not sure. When he does this crap though it makes me feel like he's looking for someone better than me. It's not a good feeling.
I think part of the problem is that you really started off on the wrong foot...
You are a white girl who dates an Asian guy - but deep down thinks he is just slumming it with a white girl for now to satisfy some curiosity - but he actually will end up one day with an Asian girl.
So - maybe you were MORE fixated on him staring at other women before - and it was your perception that he was overly staring at women because you were already insecure...
Maybe he is just a douche... I don't know - but regardless - control what you can control - figure out if it is you or him - and be objective - the point is not to assign blame - but for you to be the best person you can be by evaluating yourself objectively.
I like how you assume I am white. I am not. My boyfriend is south asian and he likes to stare at east asian women.
My fault. For some reason, I thought you said you were white - not an assumption - might have misread something or confused your post with another thread somewhere else.
Regardless - my point remains the same. The issue is that you already believe that he doesn't want to be with you - that he idealizes another type of person - east Asians.
So - you feel insecure.
But - that is still your fault. You choose to be insecure. Just like you could choose to realize that you are just as deserving, just as beautiful, just as good as any east Asian woman... Maybe even better. It's all in how you view yourself!
I bet if he were looking at ugly fat people - you wouldn't feel the same way.
But, the fact of the matter is - YOU perceive the women that he is looking at to be better than you - and that is why you feel insecure.
Stop believing that these other women are better than you.
He might be in the wrong for throwing that in your face - but only you can choose to actually believe it.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And BTW, you pushing him is assault. He doesn't have a victim syndrome. YOU actually assaulted him twice!
Not really. If someone corners you in a room and doesn't let you leave, pushing them to get away from them doesn't sound like assault to me. Just the opposite. He sounds abusive and controlling and very manipulative.
Borderline abusive...
Possibly controlling...
Maybe manipulative.
He is not hard to figure out though.
He is insecure and fears that if he doesn't deal with the argument to a reasonable conclusion - than his wife will leave him... A lot of people go through this. They are smart enough to know that their wife isn't happy - but not secure enough to know that it will pass and does not mean it's the end of the relationship - therefore, they try to resolve the conflict as soon as possible.
This only gets exacerbated when the wife doesn't want to resolve the issue right then and there.
Women can be like this as well...
He needs to get therapy and resolve his abandonment/insecurity issue. She needs to get to some anger management classes... If they both want to make the relationship work - they can then do some couples counseling to work on communicating.
I know you may know all of this already, as most people would, but reading through it instead of having to sort it out in your head amidst what you're already going through, can better put things into perspective.
Closure shouldn't be borne from the actions or words of the other, or the blinding distractions of a third party; Closure, in its purest form, is borne from the knowledge you've gained, in retrospect, of all the things that couldn't be and wouldn't be, because it shouldn't be. If we choose to keep our blinders on for so long, we start to lose sight of everything we deserve in a relationship and in another. Take the blinders off and let go.
Making a laundry list of all of their flaws doesn't get you too far; it'll only leave you bitter and resentful of the time you'd spent and you don't learn from the experience. Look at the bright side of things: you were in each other's lives to serve a purpose, and regardless of what that purpose was, in the end, what you've gained from the experience will far surpass all that you think you've lost.
Sure you've diverged from the road a bit and just thinking of the journey ahead leaves you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. But when you find the right person, all of those days before him won't matter anymore, and you can seek solace in the fact that all of these divergences ultimately led you to him. Look forward to that, instead of looking back.
As a good friend once told me, God is fair: He won't take away what He can't replace, and He usually replaces it with something better in the end. This has always proven true in my life and I have faith. It will be proven true in yours as well.
Everyone who enters my life leaves a mark in some shape or form. There are those I've met who came and went and others who've decided to stay a while. Some of you have moved my soul and made my heart flutter and prance while others have bestowed the precious gift of knowledge, wisdom and truth. And there were some who, remarkably, did both.
However, even with the good I can't discount the times (few in number but great in consequence) I was left scathed and numb, harping in vain and wallowing in self-pity laced with bitter regret. Life has a way of neatly balancing out that way.
Closure shouldn't be borne from the actions or words of the other, or the blinding distractions of a third party; Closure, in its purest form, is borne from the knowledge you've gained, in retrospect, of all the things that couldn't be and wouldn't be, because it shouldn't be. If we choose to keep our blinders on for so long, we start to lose sight of everything we deserve in a relationship and in another. Take the blinders off and let go.
Making a laundry list of all of their flaws doesn't get you too far; it'll only leave you bitter and resentful of the time you'd spent and you don't learn from the experience. Look at the bright side of things: you were in each other's lives to serve a purpose, and regardless of what that purpose was, in the end, what you've gained from the experience will far surpass all that you think you've lost.
Sure you've diverged from the road a bit and just thinking of the journey ahead leaves you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. But when you find the right person, all of those days before him won't matter anymore, and you can seek solace in the fact that all of these divergences ultimately led you to him. Look forward to that, instead of looking back.
As a good friend once told me, God is fair: He won't take away what He can't replace, and He usually replaces it with something better in the end. This has always proven true in my life and I have faith. It will be proven true in yours as well.
Everyone who enters my life leaves a mark in some shape or form. There are those I've met who came and went and others who've decided to stay a while. Some of you have moved my soul and made my heart flutter and prance while others have bestowed the precious gift of knowledge, wisdom and truth. And there were some who, remarkably, did both.
However, even with the good I can't discount the times (few in number but great in consequence) I was left scathed and numb, harping in vain and wallowing in self-pity laced with bitter regret. Life has a way of neatly balancing out that way.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I had this exact issue with an Asian BF. He'd stare openly at all women, and Asian women were goddesses of perfection in every aspect, from their looks to how they treated a man. And in his culture, underneath the "family first" facade, the unfortunate norm was that men were expected to cheat, and women put up with it and blamed themselves.
Just do yourself a favor and drop him. If he makes you feel this way, and up until now you've been a secure person, it's HIM, and your gut is telling you the right thing. I wish I'd listened to my gut back then, when I'd feel humiliated by his staring at women, and sometimes the women would catch my eye and give me this look of pity, like, "I can't believe your asshole boyfriend treats you this way."
LOL - people check people out. If that makes you insecure - then you probably need to focus on bettering yourself and figuring out why you are insecure. You probably become insecure when your significant other watches porn.
Instead of blaming the boyfriend, maybe you should give advice that is going to help this young lady.
OP - while this man may look at other women, I think you really need to take the time to figure out what makes you insecure. Quite frankly, if you were secure to begin with, no one would make you feel otherwise. And if you were really secure, you wouldn't be in this position in the first place.
Think about what makes this boyfriend different from others... Is he more successful? More attractive? More intelligent? Is the nature of your relationship different? Do you care more about this one than others in the past?
You also want to start thinking about why you don't feel good enough for him or why you feel as though you don't deserve him.
The fact that you see an attractive person and that ruins your night - that is YOUR issue - not his.
So you think it's fine for men to ogle and leer at other women when they're out with their gf/wife, and that any woman who finds it disrespectful and creepy has the problem. We all know people check people out. There's a difference between a quick look, and fixating like a starving dog that sees a hunk of meat. When everyone around notices a guy staring obsessively, so that it makes people uncomfortable, that's the guy's issue. Don't blame the women. Guys who do this and also carry on about their exes? They are typically always looking for something better than you, and often turn out to be liars and cheaters who are going to make you feel bad about yourself as long as you keep them around.
Op here: He's not more successful, attractive or intelligent compared to my exs. I know that sounds bad but it's true. He's cute in my eyes though! I am really attracted to him. He's nicer. He's good at sports and sweeter than my exs. He's better at giving massages. He told me his ex complained about the same thing. He's definitely getting better at not staring as much. He did this so many times before though. I can't get rid of these thoughts. I think I need to start fresh with someone else.
Then you should. Do him a favor.
So, let's get this straight -
In the beginning of the relationship - he used to stare at women a lot, and talk about his ex...
Now that you are more established - he talks about his ex a lot less and doesn't stare as much - but you can't let go of the fact that it happened - even though it is - in your words - improving...
That sounds like a YOU problem - YOU are insecure.
And in case you didn't figure it out - you are insecure because this one treats you nicer, is sweeter, and because of those things - you like him more than possibly your other exes...
There is nothing wrong with being insecure - the issue is that you finally have something that you fear losing... Happens to a lot of people.
No it was more like the first few years! Maybe I'm not fixating on it anymore. I'm not sure. When he does this crap though it makes me feel like he's looking for someone better than me. It's not a good feeling.
I think part of the problem is that you really started off on the wrong foot...
You are a white girl who dates an Asian guy - but deep down thinks he is just slumming it with a white girl for now to satisfy some curiosity - but he actually will end up one day with an Asian girl.
So - maybe you were MORE fixated on him staring at other women before - and it was your perception that he was overly staring at women because you were already insecure...
Maybe he is just a douche... I don't know - but regardless - control what you can control - figure out if it is you or him - and be objective - the point is not to assign blame - but for you to be the best person you can be by evaluating yourself objectively.
Anonymous wrote:She wants to go shopping EVERY day, all day. She constantly buys herself gifts, copper, brass bells, Xmas decorations, six pair of shoes a half dozen CDs, silk scarf, a lined trench coat, ...so far. She is a compulsive shopper and a hoarder. After a week I'm about to go CRAZY. I know she will soon start asking for things in my home. One more week to go and I'm barely hanging on.
Do they still sell CDs????
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.
My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.
-1
The circumstances of my falling out with my father were different, but the underlying lesson was the same.
I have seen him once in the past fifteen years. He has not and hopefully never will meet DC. (I don't want to expose him to that man.) We're basically strangers, and I don't want anything to do with him. Ever.
Don't "lay into" your kids, OP. They're being entitled jerks, because you raised them that way. But they will grow up and assume responsibilities and feel thankful in life. Unless you choose to be a dick to them.[/quote
What a typically horrible response. Your solution is for OP to suck up her kids abuse and wait it out for them to get over themselves and figure out how to be respectful, grateful, children? I mean really... Isn't that the greatest parenting advice ever. "It's just a phase, they'll grow out of it."
NO. Actions should have consequences. And it is a parents job to enforce values. This behavior, does not stop at home. It creates a personality, a set of values, a sense of entitlement, that will go with these kids for the rest of their lives because no one ever told them NO, or that is NOT the way to treat people, especially your MOTHER. There used to be a time, that women would say, see how a man treats his mom, because that is the way that they will treat you. If that is still the case, than I feel sorry for any woman that dates OPs sons.
It's NEVER okay to be an asshole to your mother, regardless of what is going on. And to not teach them how to productively deal with stress, pressure, and rough times, without being abusive to someone is neglectful of the parent.
Anonymous wrote:Girl A ruins relationships with good guys? She's scared of something good happening to her, because she's had so many bad things happen in her life. She sabotages relationships out of fear. If she's real, she's the one that I would bet on. She just needs someone who will take the time to prove to her that good men really do exist.
If this is the case... Girl A needs to figure that out for herself. It is not someone else's responsibility to change her. She needs to make figure this out so that she can enter into a healthy relationship with a healthy mindset. If she can't figure it out for herself, no one else is going to make her realize it. All that ends up happening, is the guy becomes resentful because he has to deal with her insecurity and fear all the time. Which, could be what is happening now.
Girl A deserves to find love. But she needs to learn to love herself first.
Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, though. In my circle, plenty of the Friend A types are married to good guys. And plenty of the Friend B types are single and looking and having little luck.
there isn't always rhyme or reason to things.
Friend A may also be self-sabotaging. Maybe she has unrealistic ideas about men. Maybe she's doing something on dates that turn off the guys. Maybe she's subconsciously picking men who are not commitment-minded. And maybe Friend B is being realistic about relationships and men. It's also possible that Friend B got lucky and found a good guy, and Friend A hasn't gotten lucky yet. Luck and timing are huge in dating.
I was just about to say this. It's not one thing or another. Which is why I said, she might want to try something different than what she is currently doing. Obviously she is doing something wrong. It doesn't have to be who she is attracted to, or her behavior... It could be something else... Maybe she becomes clingy... Who knows. The only thing we do know is that she wants a relationship, and it's not working out.
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
You are missing the point, I think?
I WANTED to hook up with him and couldn't! (because of a strange situation with friends and coworkers and whose car we had and how far away from our homes we were)
I wanted to get in touch to let him know I wasn't blowing him off and was interested on another night.
I appreciate the responses but perhaps we are in different places?
We are young and single and I am not necessarily looking for a relationship.
I wasn't replying to you when I said that you were missing the point. I was replying to the poster who said that FB is for finding and messaging people...
I understand that you wanted to have a hook up. And that is totally cool. But the fact of the matter is, he hasn't responded to you. I think that your original assumption that he was interested and that he felt like you blew him off was incorrect. You showed that you were clearly into him, you had a discussion about what you wanted to do sexually, etc. Maybe he has a girlfriend or a wife or something. I could see that happening. He's out, has the chance to have a hook up, but since you weren't available that night, he had to go home to his wife or girlfriend.
Anonymous wrote:Oh, FFS. I always had sex up front because I like sex. I'm not particularly extroverted or even drop-dead gorgeous. But, in my younger days, I was cute and sexy, and I'm still smart and funny. I never had trouble getting good guys to stay around; in fact, I sometimes had trouble getting them to back off when the relationship was over.
I had three long-term boyfriends (2 to 9 years) during college/grad/school/early career before I was really ready to settle down and get married in my early 30s. Met a great guy almost immediately, got married 2 years later, now have a beautiful family of four kids, a great income, and a happy marriage.
IT'S THE GUYS SHE'S ATTRACTED TO, not her "slutty" behavior. She says she's unhappy being single, but she likes the rush of the mysterious, slightly damaged guy, or she likes being the mysterious, slightly damaged girl (so the "good" guys don't stick around).
First, I never said anything about slutty behavior. If a girl enjoys sex and gives it up, that's totally fine. Women should have the same ability to express themselves as men and without being called sluts.
However, I don't think anyone said that she wants one night stands. She wants a real relationship. It appears her expectation is that she is going to get a relationship by giving up sex up front and it is obviously not working for her coupled with her choice in men. I am simply saying, that if you don't like the results of what you are doing, then do something different... The definition of insanity...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP finding someone on FB or other social media is fine if you met at a bar or party and didn't exchange information. But if he has your number already finding and messaging him, especially so soon, is too much.
I'd likely block someone who did this. In the future, OP, ask your male friends what they would think and/or do. When sharing/swapping dating stories - I've heard many of my male friends laugh or be mildly freaked out by the women who found them on social media and contacted them. With that being said, I did end up texting a guy whose number I had and hadn't heard from after a second date just to say "thanks, had a good time and would love to go to a baseball game if up for it". Did hear back and now married and with a kid.
How old are you? It's not a knock on you, but younger people use social media a bit differently and friending or messaging someone you met out and had a good conversation with is not totally out of line.
I think you are missing the point. She gave the guy her number. He DIDN'T use it. There is probably a reason for this. Therefore, going and finding him on FB and messaging him, was creepy and stalkerish.
I agree with the posters who have said that he was probably just looking for a hook up and when it didn't work out, moved on. And as for the conversation, the guys with a lot of game are the ones who have intimate conversations and want to make you feel comfortable like they are emotionally available, sensitive, etc.
I am a guy, and I would say that if a girl gave me her number and I was interested, I would always send a text, something simple like I hope you and your friends got home safe. It is a non-committal text, doesn't come off as desperate, but opens the door for her to engage in a conversation if she wants to, or not respond at all.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I married girl A. Sex up front, partier, extrovert. It's not that guys don't consider her marriage material. It's the guys she picks; they don't take any girl seriously.
This. Thank you for a human response. Men and women settle down when they're ready. Any theories beyond that are avoiding and blaming. A healthy sense of self is awesome.
I don't think that equates to a human response. Fact of the matter is that you attract a certain type of person when you act a certain way. If you want a serious relationship, act like you want a serious relationship and stop having one night stands. I am not saying that sex up front is a bad thing, but you also have to accept that you're going to not always get what you want from it. I can't think of anyone who ever gave relationship advice and said, start out by having one nights stands and see which one sticks around.
I agree with the above poster. There is a big difference between the girl you sleep with and the girl you want to be with. Girl A sounds like the girl that you sleep with, while girl B sounds like the wholesome girl you spend your life with. Although, this is going off of your descriptions.
Revealing clothes, likes to party... you get what you ask for.
Revealing clothes, likes to party... you get what you ask for.