Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

I did not work at college while I was taking full time classes. When I took part time, I did. But not full time. I couldn't have done either successfully.

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.

My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.

Anonymous wrote:I was not receiving financial aid so I was able to work on campus. My friends who had off campus jobs had a really tough time keeping up with their studies. One semester I grew a beard and when I came home my father refused to pay tuition unless I shaved it off. That was almost 50 years ago and to this day it really bothers me that I gave in. I grew my beard back after college when I was in the Peace Corps. For other reasons, my relationship with my father deteriorated while I was in college and continued to deteriorate as I grew older. My father died two years ago but I don't know what I could have done to heal things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.

My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.

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The circumstances of my falling out with my father were different, but the underlying lesson was the same.

I have seen him once in the past fifteen years. He has not and hopefully never will meet DC. (I don't want to expose him to that man.) We're basically strangers, and I don't want anything to do with him. Ever.

Don't "lay into" your kids, OP. They're being entitled jerks, because you raised them that way. But they will grow up and assume responsibilities and feel thankful in life. Unless you choose to be a dick to them.[/quote

What a typically horrible response. Your solution is for OP to suck up her kids abuse and wait it out for them to get over themselves and figure out how to be respectful, grateful, children? I mean really... Isn't that the greatest parenting advice ever. "It's just a phase, they'll grow out of it."

NO. Actions should have consequences. And it is a parents job to enforce values. This behavior, does not stop at home. It creates a personality, a set of values, a sense of entitlement, that will go with these kids for the rest of their lives because no one ever told them NO, or that is NOT the way to treat people, especially your MOTHER. There used to be a time, that women would say, see how a man treats his mom, because that is the way that they will treat you. If that is still the case, than I feel sorry for any woman that dates OPs sons.

It's NEVER okay to be an asshole to your mother, regardless of what is going on. And to not teach them how to productively deal with stress, pressure, and rough times, without being abusive to someone is neglectful of the parent.

Anonymous wrote:
They both work in the summer. They really are good kids. I just hope I can turn this around.
Oh, and I didn't say anything to my DH about the Christmas incident or a few other things. I didn't want it to become him coming to the rescue. They would apologize and not really mean it. I want them to understand on their own.

Anonymous wrote:I remember treating my parents like this sometimes even though I had a job all through high school on the weekends and was expected to pay for the "extras." Sometimes kids are just assholes. I think my mom telling me how much I disappointed her and hurt her feelings when I acted that way given all she and my dad had done for me always made me reflect.