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Anonymous wrote:Every day I tell my dd to not get any bigger. Best times were when she was a tiny infant in our arms.
+1
I have a 3 month old - and her mom keeps saying how big she is getting - but I just see my tiny infant... I love her more than anything in the world - she is so tiny and adorable... even her mannerisms and her smile... she is so alert - you can tell she is taking in everything.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Jeez, can everyone get off of the sex issue?
NP here, OP, please listen to me and know that I am speaking from a place that absolutely knows from where your boyfriend is coming from. It's not about diet, you cooking healthy meals or being healthy, or needing surgery. He needs therapy. Plain and simple. he needs to find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders - and specifically binge-eating disorder. this has nothing to do with food.
So, please do not expect him to lose significant weight once you two are living together/married. He may lose some just by the fact that you'll encourage him to move around more or eat some healthy meals.
Please, please, please do not bug him about his eating. I promise you that if you do, he will only hide his food consumption from you (and sometimes could lead to more weight gain - that's what happened to me)
Understand that he needs to be ready to make changes. Like a pp said, it really is like any other addiction and you can't make an alcoholic stop until he's ready. It's the same thing. If I were you, I'd find a therapist for him that specializes in BED and encourage him to go a few times to see if he's ready. Even if he's not (and you guys can afford it), I'd encourage him to just keep going with no pressure to actively DO something but just to go and talk until he's ready.
Also, just like any other addiction, there are relapses - (this is just advice for you for the future) If he is in therapy and doing really well and then you notice he's all of a sudden eating a lot, not caring, etc. It could be a bump in the road. Something that worked for me when i'd be in that situation is my DH simply asking if I'm okay and if there's anything he could do to help. He recognized that my eating was a sign of something wrong in my life and rather than focusing on my weight or food, he focused on helping me through it.
Finally, from my own experience, my eating would get worse when I'd get anxious or nervous or even excited about a big change in my life. Opposite of every bride I know, I gained weight for my wedding, I didn't lose it. I didn't do it on purpose and only realized after therapy that because of my own childhood trauma I couldn't handle any kind of emotion, so I'd "eat my emotions" (you've probably heard that cliché). I was nervous, excited, and happy about getting married but didn't know how to handle all those emotions so I ate. and ate. and ate.If you are seeing an increase in your boyfriend's eating or "not caring" about getting healthy, he may be facing the same thing I was and it's just a coping mechanism for burying those feelings.
I'm not saying surgery is right or wrong for your boyfriend, but in my experience, since going to therapy (and doing several "group" sessions) I've met a ton of people that had the surgery, lost weight, then gained it back because they didn't fix the underlying issue. Every one of them regretted having the surgery when they did. Some said that the surgery would have been good if they waited until they were well into therapy (as sort of a combined treatment of surgery and therapy) and others just regretted it altogether.
finally, the person that said diets don't work is absolutely right! But it's how you define a diet. simply altering your food intake (and increasing calorie burning) doesn't work for people whose weight is connected to childhood issues or upbringing or trauma (basically eating to bury whatever it is you don't want to deal with). Since you acknowledged your bf had that, I'm assuming he's one of us.
Anyway, I hope I helped. You sound very supportive. Good luck
OP here, thank you for this wonderful post. Lots of good ideas here.
I would love for him to find a therapist that deals in BED - do you have any recommendations for therapists and/or support groups? I think he would be willing to go. He is not happy with his current psychiatrist and she doesn't seem to be concerned that the antidepressants have made him gain all this weight. I know there are better options.
I would never force him to do anything, nag him about food or give him any ultimatums. He is strong and brave and has survived things that are unthinkable. He also has enormous willpower and discipline in other areas of his life, and I wish he could apply those qualities to this, but if it doesn't happen I will find a way to make peace with that.
I really wish you luck OP - not more to add - but I just really appreciate your loyalty to your boyfriend and I really hope that you both find peace and happiness together. I hope that your boyfriend finds the courage and strength to overcome this issue - and that you are rewarded for your unwavering support and commitment to him.
Anonymous wrote:I was with a woman like this, and I left (took me a long time though).
I don't know if she changed, or just was more successful at trapping the next guy. I hope she changed, but I doubt it, because I don't think she could ever admit to herself that she was abusive.
And that's the answer to the question: abusers are often not really aware they are the villain; they often see themselves as and act out of a sense of being the victim.
I disagree...
FEMALE abusers don't think of themselves as abusers - because society tells them they can't be abusers - because men are MEN and what women could ever HURT a man - as if that is the basis of abuse.
Men however, EVERYTHING they do is abuse because they are bigger, because they are men...
So, the burden of abuse is really a sexist issue - with women not being capable of abuse.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think its selfish to have 4 kids as its hard to give each the attention and support they need.
I know that we can do it though. We're doing a good job with the three that we have now. By the time the baby was born, our youngest would be six and in school full day so I'd be able to have lot so one-on-one time with the baby and not have it affect them.
Obviously you CAN'T do it though - your DH has adamantly said he doesn't want to!
Instead of just trying to universally say it's all good - maybe you need to start paying attention to what your DH is saying - he might not out right say it - but 3 kids is a lot - he is at his limit - and he does NOT want another one - so pull you head out of your butt - and listen to what your family is saying. Stop being selfish.
My god - focus on raising your 3 children.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dh and I don't fight. Haven't ever had a fight, actually. We had a long discussion once when I said something insensitive, but we try our hardest to treat each other with respect and love.
+1 nice. OP here, I think we are mostly like this. But also avoiders.
I think you need to define fight...
Does that mean that you disagree about something and argue about it?
Does that mean that someone had to yell?
Does that mean that someone was violent?
What exactly entails a fight?
As to your point - it's great to not fight - as long as you are NOT being avoiders. I think that the hard part about a relationship where people don't "fight" is that if you are avoiding - you really may not know what is going on in your partners head. You could think everything is great! Meanwhile, your spouse is planning their escape because of all the crap and resentment that has built up over the years.
Anonymous wrote:I am interested in this as well. Did you ever get to a point where you could actually acknowledge your abusiveness--WITHOUT a 10 minute wind up on how others did things to set you off?
For those still doing this, once you've calmed down how do you feel about how you treat your kids? I can't comprehend what is going on in your mind when you are absolutely melting down.
Probably the same things that go off in men's minds when they are melting down and being abusive.
Abuse is not a gender specific issue - it is fueled by many different things that are not exclusive to men or women.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He must have high blood pressure, diabetes, bad knees, bad back... Why do you believe him when he tells you he has no health problems?
When was the last time he went to a doctor?
From diabetes.org:
Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.
Fact: Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.
- See more at: http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/myths/
A friend of mine, who is not overweight at all - all of a sudden developed type 2 diabetes... He was a sick for a bit, thought it was just fatigue - and eventually ended up in the ER and they told him he had type 2 diabetes... It as SHOCKING! But, to the PP's point, sometimes has nothing to do with weight.
Anonymous wrote:We fight because we both WOH full time and feel like the other one should be doing more at home. We are constantly tired and stressed, and that leads to short tempers.
My brother and his wife went through this... Something I suggested that helped them was to:
write down all the things that have to happen around the house and then split them up...
you both could very well be doing a lot of work - but sometimes - when you actually see it in writing - you realize that you are both doing an equal share - it just feels like more when you are in the thick of it and then tempers flare!
Anonymous wrote:My mom's mom died when my mom was 7. Pretty sure that never "balanced out" for her. Please preach elsewhere.
So - you are saying that your mom didn't have ANY great relationships after her mom died?
She had YOU...
That's balance. She lost a mom. I'm sorry for her loss. But, she had a husband, she had you, she had friends... She had many other meaningful relationships that allowed her life to have balance - and if you asked your mom - I bet she would say that having a DC certainly balanced the life scales of losing her mom.
But - hey - way to be a negative twit.
Perhaps you are right - having you probably WOULDN'T balance out anything... Probably just make it worse.
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I don't really fight/argue. I don't know what it is that people actually fight over. What do you actually spend time in disagreement over? Do you yell?
I'm left wondering is it because we are both not bringing issues up in order to discuss them, is it a function of fairly stable/ easygoing personalities, or because we are so supremely compatible that all other loves pale in comparison to ours?
People fight about all types of things... The presence of fighting is just as telling as the absence of fighting... Neither necessarily means that the relationship is going well or poorly - quite frankly - some people might argue that the reason you don't fight in your relationship is that neither one of you cares enough about your relationship to fight over it...
However, to answer your question - I used to fight with my ex over how to raise her children - she had 3 from a previous relationship... I thought she didn't discipline them enough - she thought I was too strict... Different upbringings and certainly different cultures...
So the only reason you divorced was the discipline issue?
Um - we were never married. We broke up partly because of the fighting - but primarily because I screwed up (not cheating or abusing - before people go there).
Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I don't really fight/argue. I don't know what it is that people actually fight over. What do you actually spend time in disagreement over? Do you yell?
I'm left wondering is it because we are both not bringing issues up in order to discuss them, is it a function of fairly stable/ easygoing personalities, or because we are so supremely compatible that all other loves pale in comparison to ours?
People fight about all types of things... The presence of fighting is just as telling as the absence of fighting... Neither necessarily means that the relationship is going well or poorly - quite frankly - some people might argue that the reason you don't fight in your relationship is that neither one of you cares enough about your relationship to fight over it...
However, to answer your question - I used to fight with my ex over how to raise her children - she had 3 from a previous relationship... I thought she didn't discipline them enough - she thought I was too strict... Different upbringings and certainly different cultures...
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.
This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.
I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.
OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.
I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.
OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.
Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...
You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.
That is how you should approach this...
Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?
He is my best friend and I would not abandon him unless he was not treating me well. He is a wonderful person and makes my life richer in every way. Even if he never changes, I would treasure the time I had with him.
He is about 6'2" and at least 350 pounds - so BMI seems to be at least 44.9.
The reason that BMI is misleading is because muscle weighs more than fat. So, body fat percentage is really what you want to look at.
Regardless - I am impressed with your loyalty - especially since most DCUM posts are about unhappy spouses because their DW or DH "let himself go" and is now fat and they want them in the gym or they are heading for divorce.
Good for you and good luck with your situation.
Anonymous wrote:...text you back?
Met a woman at a grocery store saturday early evening, we chatted, i told her we should continue this over drinks sometime - she says sure, here's my number....
i text her the next evening saying 'hey it's larlo from last night at the grocery store..good weekend?...let's meet up for drinks sometime on weds or thurs".
no response.
a friend of mine said i should've texted her later on saturday night and by sunday evening it was too late.
I hate to say this - but she may just not be interested. I don't think that period of time is too long - or even too short. Quite frankly - I think that people who wait 3 days or whatever the trendy wait time is these days are ridiculous anyways. Why start a relationship with games? If you like someone - text them/call them and let them know - don't get wrapped up in your head. If they think you were needy or desperate for contacting them too soon - is this really the person you want to be with?
I think sometimes - just be you, be real, and those who want to be with you will be with you and those who don't - they have that right to make that decision too. But - you will find the right one - just be patient.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.
He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").
Without getting explicit, do you believe only missionary is normal?
No, but currently we can only manage one position.
Not to be a dick - but based on pure dimensions - I am thinking of several positions you should be able to accommodate - without getting crushed to death anyways...
NOT that, this is the most important issue here - his health is - but - just sayin.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.
This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.
I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.
OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.
I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.
OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.
Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...
You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.
That is how you should approach this...
Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?