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Anonymous wrote: I'm dealing with custody issues this morning, my ex wants (and always did) want more time with the teen and 20-year old 2 kids), insisting on having DS on his birthday for the 2nd year in a row, and creating all sorts of expensive vacations to entice the kids to spend more time with him (he can afford it and being self-employed can take all the time he needs, whereas I have little money and little vacation time.)
So while I agree that time with the dad is very important however it comes about, I also know that it comes at a cost to OP's relationship with her kids. One parent doing the difficult and thankless work while the other parent entices the kids to spend their vacations with him. (In my case he takes them on ski trips, beach vacations, trips to Europe, and then even if I could provide somethiing cool, they've already used up their vacations, and the adult child has no more vacation time to spend with me.
I don't have an answer but it's not a simple case of let him have all the time he wants with the kids. It's painful.
I hate to say it. All of these points are valid...
BUT - you just HAVE to think about what is in the best interest for the kids. And ONLY you and your ex know that.
Look - does it suck that there is another woman that is the catalyst for your ex being father of the year? Absolutely.
But - if the kids are happy... don't do anything to take away from that.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What topics do you avoid and why? There is nothing I cannot talk about with my husband. Sometimes it hurts or is hard, but we've both learned avoidance leads to resentment.
We avoid getting in too deep on politics (she's a democrat, I'm republican) and things like abortion. She's pro-choice and while I support a woman's right to choose I am against it. We know what we disagree on and do our best to avoid hot topics. I have enormous respect for her opinions even if I disagree with some of them.
How the hell did you survive this election???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you want to continue being her friend, call her. Tell her you are crushed not to be able to go, but you just can't swing it. Ask her and new husband over for brunch after they get back from the honeymoon. Swoon over the photos.
If you don't care, send a card.
+1
+2
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was with a woman like this, and I left (took me a long time though).
I don't know if she changed, or just was more successful at trapping the next guy. I hope she changed, but I doubt it, because I don't think she could ever admit to herself that she was abusive.
And that's the answer to the question: abusers are often not really aware they are the villain; they often see themselves as and act out of a sense of being the victim.
I disagree...
FEMALE abusers don't think of themselves as abusers - because society tells them they can't be abusers - because men are MEN and what women could ever HURT a man - as if that is the basis of abuse.
Men however, EVERYTHING they do is abuse because they are bigger, because they are men...
So, the burden of abuse is really a sexist issue - with women not being capable of abuse.
That's some seriously tortured MRA claptrap right there. The topic of female abusers falls under the category of "duly noted." It does not merit equal time with the broader discussion about domestic abuse.
Did what you just say qualify as English? I am not sure what you are trying to say.
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I did speak with the wife who said that I was the one who called her husband and she was put off by it. I told her to hang up and I would send her something. I took a screen shot of my phone log showing that he called me with date/time info. She called me back wondering why her husband would lie to her. I told her that that was a question for her husband. She then asked me what he said and I said that's another question for her husband. I'm sure he will lie to her again. If she calls me again I will tell her what he said.
I can't BELIEVE that this woman is that naïve.
I feel sorry for her. Her husband is a scumbag.
Even more of a scumbag to put this on you and try and save his own ass.
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.
Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?
I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.
OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.
The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.
They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.
No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.
I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.
This, seriously.
She SHOULD have that attitude... and her son SHOULD have that attitude. I am so sick of people shaming people for success. As his mother, she should have his back. She should make sure that he knows that he did nothing wrong - that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And he should understand where his family is coming from - he should know that this is what jealously looks like. That there will be times in life where people will treat him badly because they are jealous - and that when that happens in his life - that he shouldn't feel like he has done something wrong.
My god - you people are justifying this kid being shamed by his step siblings and step mother... THEY ARE AT FAULT - they are bullying a little kid.
Stating facts is NOT smug.
Hi, I posted the original thing that you disagreed with where I said that the OP sounds smug.
I think it is very smug to say things like "Why should MY SON be punished for HER CHOICES?" The OP clearly looks down on this woman for deciding to stay home to raise her children, because the consequence of that choice is that their family cannot take vacations the way that the OP, with her considerable disposable income, can take vacations.
No one is saying that what the stepmother or stepsiblings are doing is appropriate or right. No one is saying that they should continue bullying. But the OP's attitude is clearly that she's better than this woman, and her basis for that seems to be more than this woman does not work outside the home than that this woman is a jerk. I think she sounds smug.
I also think that stepmom and stepsiblings sound mean and that dad needs to defend his child from his stepkids. However, it seems that dad is also mean, so at this point, my support is for the kid deciding he doesn't want to be around that nastiness, and if the dad wants to take it to court, the kid can explain to a judge why he doesn't want to go over there. As I mentioned before, I think that the judge will hear the kid describe numerous instances where the stepsiblings were nasty as well as attempts to have the kid spend time with his dad in a separate situation, and hear that dad rejected those attempts. I think that going to court will demonstrate to ALL PARTIES that there are consequences for choices. If the kid doesn't want to go, he needs to recognize that it's going against a custody order and explain to a judge why the order should be different than it is. If the dad wants to force his son to do stuff he clearly doesn't want to do, he will need to answer for his wife and stepkids' attitudes toward his son.
I'm also kind of confused as to why you're suddenly posting on a thread that's pretty old, but whatever. Each to their own.
I just realized how old this thread was...
I looked back, and there were several people who commented on this earlier yesterday and today, which brought it to the front of the list, so I assumed it was more recent.
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.
Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?
I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.
OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.
The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.
They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.
No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.
I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.
This, seriously.
She SHOULD have that attitude... and her son SHOULD have that attitude. I am so sick of people shaming people for success. As his mother, she should have his back. She should make sure that he knows that he did nothing wrong - that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And he should understand where his family is coming from - he should know that this is what jealously looks like. That there will be times in life where people will treat him badly because they are jealous - and that when that happens in his life - that he shouldn't feel like he has done something wrong.
My god - you people are justifying this kid being shamed by his step siblings and step mother... THEY ARE AT FAULT - they are bullying a little kid.
Stating facts is NOT smug.
Hi, I posted the original thing that you disagreed with where I said that the OP sounds smug.
I think it is very smug to say things like "Why should MY SON be punished for HER CHOICES?" The OP clearly looks down on this woman for deciding to stay home to raise her children, because the consequence of that choice is that their family cannot take vacations the way that the OP, with her considerable disposable income, can take vacations.
No one is saying that what the stepmother or stepsiblings are doing is appropriate or right. No one is saying that they should continue bullying. But the OP's attitude is clearly that she's better than this woman, and her basis for that seems to be more than this woman does not work outside the home than that this woman is a jerk. I think she sounds smug.
I also think that stepmom and stepsiblings sound mean and that dad needs to defend his child from his stepkids. However, it seems that dad is also mean, so at this point, my support is for the kid deciding he doesn't want to be around that nastiness, and if the dad wants to take it to court, the kid can explain to a judge why he doesn't want to go over there. As I mentioned before, I think that the judge will hear the kid describe numerous instances where the stepsiblings were nasty as well as attempts to have the kid spend time with his dad in a separate situation, and hear that dad rejected those attempts. I think that going to court will demonstrate to ALL PARTIES that there are consequences for choices. If the kid doesn't want to go, he needs to recognize that it's going against a custody order and explain to a judge why the order should be different than it is. If the dad wants to force his son to do stuff he clearly doesn't want to do, he will need to answer for his wife and stepkids' attitudes toward his son.
I'm also kind of confused as to why you're suddenly posting on a thread that's pretty old, but whatever. Each to their own.
How is that smug?
Why SHOULD her son be shamed because another person can't provide the same things for her children (i.e. her choices to be a stay at home mom)... NONE of this would even be an ISSUE if stepmom wasn't shaming this child. OPs comments aren't coming out of the blue - but stepmom calling the child rich kid and spoiled - she put HERSELF beneath this child by indicating an income disparity... OP is simply stating - why is this woman bashing her child because she chose to stay at home. If stepmom wanted to provide more for her children, she could have gone into the workforce - that is a choice. She chose NOT to. OP is not judging this women for her choice to stay home - OP is judging this women based on the fact that she is taking out her choices on this child.
Anonymous wrote:Anyone who has been through a tough divorce and the realities of remarriage and blended families knows exactly what is going on. OP, you may be fooling some dcum posters. Those of us who have been there see right through you. A judge likely will as well. You are ridiculously jealous that your ex has moved on with his life while you remain single. He has a new wife, new baby, new family. You are angry that she is able to stay home with the kids (you have continually harped on this point). And you have successfully turned your son against his father.
You think you are smart, but trust me - anyone who knows you knows exactly what you are doing. Grow up. Move on with your life. Stop obsessing about your ex and his new family. Your child is a part of that family. You are not.
Did you even read the thread???
WTF are you talking about?
Don't project your crazy onto everyone else.
Anonymous wrote:OP. I hate to say it, but you're in the wrong here. First, I would cool it about the money differences. Be careful because a friend was in this situation and her ex was able to adjust child support so SHE had to pay him instead of vice versa.
Second, cool it with the stepmother bashing. You guys are, in fact, all in this together. Instead of focusing on the source of the problem, why don't you work with your ex to make your son feel more welcome by dropping the money talk, etc. It's no one's business WHAT you do with your time with him, but he does need to realize that he has two homes and two parents and should be able to feel welcome at each home. Instead of shutting down the discussion, reframe it this way. It will be more productive.
I don't think that you are reading the thread correctly.
OP does not talk to her son about the money - she vented here - but it's not a conversation she has with her son.
The money issue only arose because the stepsiblings and stepmother reference a money disparity when they call the boy rich kid and spoiled.
OP is only "bashing" the stepmother here in her post because she is pissed that the stepmother is shaming her child - and quite frankly - she is a better person than I am - because if anyone ever shamed my child - there would be a much different outcome.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd work on removing CS from the picture altogether. This way your DS won't be obligated to spend time with people who clearly disrespect him.
Child support and visitation are two different issues. Regardless of child support, he is entitled to visits in less mom can find a way to block them. Mom is not trying to block them. Dumb comments are not enough to block visits. At best both parties waste a lot of money fighting over nothing, mom getting a court order for dad's family to stop saying those things and they may or may not comply. You hurt the child by taking away the Dad. My husband's kids are really screwed up over the games his ex played while they were growing up. He paid child support but refused visits (yes, he went to court several times over it and just gave more visits but never enforced them). Mom told the kids he was a deadbeat and didn't want to see them.
Yes, but, at a certain age, wouldn't the Court take the wishes of the child into consideration? If the child tells the court that he doesn't want overnights at his dad's anymore because of the behavior of step family, would the judge take that into consideration?
They can have lunch, go to a game, watch football in a restaurant.... DS doesn't necessarily need to be sleeping at dad's house and doesn't necessarily need to be spending time with stepmom and her kids.
This is very true!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This includes trips around the world, clothes that are not from Walmart, good quality toys, extracurricular activities.
Is he bragging about the trips? Showing off the clothes? (As parents, we hope our kids wouldn't do that, but of course they might)
Anonymous wrote: his stepmother said a couple times "well, I know OUR Christmas gifts are not to your liking since your mom spoils you and get you all this expensive stuff."
Do you know how your son responded to the Christmas gifts? You probably have no way of knowing.
Anonymous wrote:
Every time we go on vacation, he insists we buy gifts for his stepsiblings and his stepmom. He has never come to their house empty handed, may it be a pie or a toy for their little one. They are clearly jealous
So stop having him give them presents! If they accuse him of being a rich kid, he's just proving their point by bringing them souvenirs. And it could definitely be seen as rubbing it in.
I am mixed on this last point. From what OP says - her son has a big heart and really cares and is thoughtful - honestly - I would rather offend these kids than try and temper my child's thoughtfulness and big heart. I would speak with my ex and tell him that he needs to educate his kids on being gracious and accepting these gifts for how they are intended - as a gift from someone who truly cares about them.
I agree with another poster. Most kids would just be happy to get a gift. They wouldn't look at it with malice - that has to be coming from the parents.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.
Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?
I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.
OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.
The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.
They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.
No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.
I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.
This, seriously.
She SHOULD have that attitude... and her son SHOULD have that attitude. I am so sick of people shaming people for success. As his mother, she should have his back. She should make sure that he knows that he did nothing wrong - that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And he should understand where his family is coming from - he should know that this is what jealously looks like. That there will be times in life where people will treat him badly because they are jealous - and that when that happens in his life - that he shouldn't feel like he has done something wrong.
My god - you people are justifying this kid being shamed by his step siblings and step mother... THEY ARE AT FAULT - they are bullying a little kid.
Stating facts is NOT smug.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.
Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?
I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.
OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.
The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.
They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.
No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.
I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.
I really am not seeing this as smug. OP has a point. These people are taking their poor choices out on her son. It's not her fault and it's not his fault that they can't provide the same level of life style to their children. More importantly, if it really bothered them that much, the mother could always go out and get a job or the father could always pursue a higher paying job. Everyone makes choices. And to point out that one person's choices is the cause for their unhappiness in life is not smug - it's just realistic. But it is indefensible to shame a child for something they can not control.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.
Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?
I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.
OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.
Agreed. How do you know the ex and his wife are jealous of you and your money? Sounds like they prioritized having a parent at home to raise their children versus money. You have different priorities and they don't value material things like you do.
OH PLEASE - even you don't believe that, and if you do, you are delusional.
If they didn't care - they wouldn't be calling the poor kid spoiled and rich kid.
They obviously see the disparity in what they can provide and what this boy has and it bothers them.
FFS.
Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:mshakespeare wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.
This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.
I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.
OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.
I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.
OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.
Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...
You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.
That is how you should approach this...
Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?
He is my best friend and I would not abandon him unless he was not treating me well. He is a wonderful person and makes my life richer in every way. Even if he never changes, I would treasure the time I had with him.
He is about 6'2" and at least 350 pounds - so BMI seems to be at least 44.9.
The reason that BMI is misleading is because muscle weighs more than fat. So, body fat percentage is really what you want to look at.
Regardless - I am impressed with your loyalty - especially since most DCUM posts are about unhappy spouses because their DW or DH "let himself go" and is now fat and they want them in the gym or they are heading for divorce.
Good for you and good luck with your situation.
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Why do people say this? It's SO stupid. No, muscle doesn't weigh more than fat. 10 lbs = 10 lbs, whether it's steel or feathers. Good grief. One is more dense than the other, though.
Very good point.