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I like a woman with a little meat on her bones so being a little overweight is fine with me. Skinny girls do nothing for me nor do women who are technically obese.
There are a bunch of topics on being middle age....feeling old...bad health etc. There is no doubt that genetics plays a big role in ones health. Some of us are simply dealt bad cards and others good cards. (Blame our parents!). But there are a ton of people who have brought bad health upon themselves from smoking, excessive drinking, overeating etc. They then ask...why me? A good friend of mine who has always been extremely health conscious has suddenly come down with severe kidney problems and cancer. He has every right to ask why me? Another friend who smoked, drank too much and never took care of himself has also come down with cancer and heart problems. I have great sympathy for both but it's hard for me to feel the same compassion when one never cared about taking care of himself and the other did. Am I wrong to not feel the same?
Anonymous wrote:Most women form their closest friendships years before they meet and marry their spouse. I like my SIL a lot. She's wonderful. We get along very well. And it's nice to have her in my life as someone who knows a lot about my husband and his family and their traditions and "ways," if I ever need a quick bit of perspective or advice on navigating their waters.
But my first phone call when I need a girlfriend or a confidante is always going to be my sister, my cousins, my best friend from growing up, my super-close college friends, my super-close roommates in the DC area from back in the day...they know me really well. Those are close bonds, some of those are life-long relationships. SIL is great, but she's not "inner circle," and she can't be becasue I don't want to "muddy the family waters" if I ever need to vent about her brother, mother, father, the way they do things in their family, their "stuff," etc.
You get along...that's great! That may be all she wants or needs. Your expectations/hopes for this relationship are only HALF of the equation, OP.
This is a great perspective. Just because she's a relative doesn't mean you have to be best friends.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. A lot of context I have not shared make the situation more burdensome. But that does not matter. I am completely supportive of DH and never complain to him. Came on here because where else can you complain about something you know you have no right to complain about?
I work full time, have a toddler and preschooler. No family in the area to help. We are saving our money because we will be paying for the funeral expenses. FIL has been an abstentee parent for the past 15 years, blew through all of his money, does not have insurance, does not have any care, refuses any help outside of the family. He is stubborn and wants to die on his terms. That's fine- but it has left a lot of burden on my husband. And in turn- on me. My husband is helping because he is his father and he loves him. But his absence and decisions over the years have left me with little love for FIL. I love my DH and support him through this. But it is difficult. That's all I wanted to get off my chest.
As others have said- these are the "for worse" times. And they suck. And I guess I was just not prepared to deal with it all. I'm trying. And I think- I am doing ok. Just needed to vent a bit online so that in real life I can be everything my husband needs me to be. Thanks for the helpful advice and the tough love. It is all helpful to hear.
And honestly- I promise I know that I have little right to complain. My husband is going through so much more. But that does not mean that I am not allowed to be stressed or overwhelmed at times. I am not perfect and it is a tough situation. Harder for my husband- absolutely. My job is to make it easier for him. But it is definitely hard on me too.
Venting is fine. You and your husband are going through a very tough time and people on this site should be supportive. We all have or all will face something like this. Hopefully you have friends near by who will help out or simply listen. That's what friends are for. Hang in there "for better" times are ahead.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Amazin wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have written before. It is in the person. Someone who is healthy is middle aged at 65. I, battling cancer and heart issues, am older at 52. I will be surprised if I make it to 65....
I just hope that the terrible health issues you face weren't brought on by things like smoking. Stuff like that can really age you. Regardless, best wishes and I hope you beat them.
What a nasty thing to say to someone battling serious illness.
"Maybe it's all your fault, but best wishes!"
Ditto!
I feel very sorry for the person undergoing these terrible health issues. But in an anonymous public forum my message was directed to those who wreck their bodies and then say "why me?" The OP did not provide any perspective on what might have brought on his/her condition. If it's simply genetics or whatever I'm truly sorry... and grateful that I have not drawn the same bad card . But we have to accept that there are many behaviors that influence our middle age health. Do you smoke, do you drink too much, do you consume twice as many calories as you burn....the list is endless. I have great sympathy for anyone facing health problems but I only have great empathy for those who have tried hard to live a reasonably health lifestyle.
I grew up in a family of six boys and one girl - so not all boys! My sister was a drama queen and generally drove my mother nuts including eloping. Once she hit 40 and my mother 75 they became very close. Thank God! The six boys were all pretty normal....or as normal as boys can be. One thing I can tell OP is that they all adored their mother and all hoped to marry someone with her love and kindness....and ability to manage a zoo!
Anonymous wrote:I have written before. It is in the person. Someone who is healthy is middle aged at 65. I, battling cancer and heart issues, am older at 52. I will be surprised if I make it to 65....
I just hope that the terrible health issues you face weren't brought on by things like smoking. Stuff like that can really age you. Regardless, best wishes and I hope you beat them.
Anonymous wrote:I could not stand my mother-in-law until I changed what I did. Other people do not change and for the most part get worse.
I used to go with my wife or stick around when mother-in-law visited. Now I make sure to make myself scarce or have something to do when she is around. She visits 2-3 times a month and I wash car, cut grass, household projects, pay bills and just about anything but hang around when she is around. When wife goes to her house with the kids, I always have something to do (even if it just taking a nap or hitting the gym).
Funny thing is I started this about 5 years ago and it has worked great. I get all my honey-dos done and don't have to deal with the old bird. When MIL is done with visit, I have more time to do things with wife and kids. Plus my house has never been so clean / up-to-date. I was once asked by her why I don't seem to have time to visit with her and I just responded that I have a family, 2 kids and a dog and the work never seems to stop. MIL now seems to like me more than before as I am always busy doing something.
I think your wife is a genius! She got your MIL to drive you crazy and now you do all the chores to avoid time with your MIL. When your wife wants the house painted she will probably invite your MIL to stay a week. If she is as cute as she is smart you married a winner!
Anonymous wrote:Amazin wrote:A lot of interesting themes. Today, at age 65, I played golf in horribly humid conditions. I walked the 18 holes and at the end I was soaked in sweat and aching. I'm in pretty good shape but I felt old. But, tonight DW and I were babysitting for my 3 year old grandson and I was rolling on the floor with him doing his version of gymnastics. Yes, I had some soreness but still found a way to do a somersault without breaking anything. The little guy howled and said "Daddy can't do that!" So there you go. I hope I feel OK in the morning!
There's no fool like an old fool...
Ha. I'm totally teasing you! I love this story.
Amazin here - I survived the somersault! I just completed a 1/2 mile swim and one hour workout and all the body parts remain connected. But I think I will skip future gymnastics unless its with DW.
A lot of interesting themes. Today, at age 65, I played golf in horribly humid conditions. I walked the 18 holes and at the end I was soaked in sweat and aching. I'm in pretty good shape but I felt old. But, tonight DW and I were babysitting for my 3 year old grandson and I was rolling on the floor with him doing his version of gymnastics. Yes, I had some soreness but still found a way to do a somersault without breaking anything. The little guy howled and said "Daddy can't do that!" So there you go. I hope I feel OK in the morning!
When I was younger I played a lot of sports but rarely worked out. But I was in pretty good shape. I played tennis for many years but once I hit 55 not many people my age wanted to play singles. As I backed off tennis and took up golf I wasn't in the same decent condition. Aches and pains creeped in as did extra weight. A while back I met with a trainer and I've developed a good routine that I follow. I start with a half mile swim or 20 minute bike ride and then follow a 50-60 minute circuit routine with weights and stretching. The routine is designed for my cardio to be 120+ so at the end I'm pretty beat. It takes 2 days for my muscles to recover so I limit myself to 2-3 times a week. Once or twice a week I will bike ride for an hour at a pretty good clip just for the cardio. And when I play golf I generally walk the 18 holes. Not great exercise but its better than riding. And as a treat, once a month I get a great massage which really helps loosen the muscles.
The story line is that while you can't stop Father Time you don't need to give into it. Once you are an empty nester or retired there is no excuse for not investing time in taking care of yourself. If you don't make it a priority you quickly get out of shape which increases the likelihood of aging faster than you'd like. I'm no flat belly but I know too many guys my age who seem to have thrown in the towel on being fit.
The story line is that while you can't stop Father Time you don't need to give into it. Once you are an empty nester or retired there is no excuse for not investing time in taking care of yourself. If you don't make it a priority you quickly get out of shape which increases the likelihood of aging faster than you'd like. I'm no flat belly but I know too many guys my age who seem to have thrown in the towel on being fit.
I'm one of seven and it was chaos but little, if any, sibling rivalry. First six were born within 7 years! I'm sure my parents wouldn't have tolerated it. So it there was some, they nipped it in the bud early on. Today we are all very good friends. I have three kids all about two years apart. No sibling rivalry except for two girls stealing each others clothes. No big deal. They have always been best of friends. Don't wait too long as its fun for a kid to have a playmate. The best way to avoid rivalry is to teach them the right way to behave from day 1 and to deal with it quickly when it pops up.
As a grandfather, after a couple of days with my grandkids (all 3 and under) I'm pretty worn out. But I love them no less and yes I use plenty of terms of endearment. I also use terms of endearment with my daughters, DIL and DW. Your MIL sounds perfectly normal. Either OP has a problem or there is something else that is really the problem.
DH should not be leaving the country for two weeks at the end of your eighth month of pregnancy. But since he is, I'd rely on my friends to help me out intend of dealing with all the mom and sister drama. You don't need it.
Your son is in a much better place since he met her. That's all that's important. Don't screw things up by interfering.