Fear of Sibling Rivalry is Stopping Us from having Kid #2
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
So, I am posting this on the tweens/teens forum because I want to know the experience of parents with older kids and how they have had to deal with (or not deal with) sibling rivalry.
We have a kid now who is 15 months and both DH and I are ready to start trying for Kid #2. There is only one thing holding me back, which is the 2.5 year age gap that will be between the two kids. I am one of 4 kids and my sister and I are about 18 months apart - we have terrible sibling rivalry that really emerged in high school and has gotten worse over time. We have a terrible relationship and it is the biggest source of stress in my life (sadly). I am not afraid of the fighting over toys and arguing over video games, I can deal with that, it's the more intense emotional issues when the kids get older. I really want to have another kid now, but don't want to forever regret having them too close together in age. I know age is not the only factor in sibling rivalry, but I can't help but think if the siblings are same gender and only 2.5 years apart that I am setting them up to be rivals rather than a support system for each other. I guess I just want some anecdata from parents who have dealt with sibling rivalry among their kids. How did you deal? Has it gotten better? worse? |
Anonymous
| Interesting. My brother and I were 5 years apart and we were way too far apart for sibling rivalry. But we're not that close as adults, either. I think you're better off with kids closer together--2.5 does not seem THAT close. Remember, with kids you'll plan for one thing but they will surprise you and throw you a different challenge! |
Anonymous
|
1. A big contributor to sibling rivalry is parent management. You know the issues, you'll be able to plan effective damage control if it rears its ugly head. 2. A 2 year age gap is the worst. Wait a while to conceive. |
Anonymous
|
What numbers are you in the birth order? I am 3rd of 4, and am not that close to any of my sibs and always felt neglected by my parents. I attribute this in part to being spaced too closely together: 24 months on one side; 18 months on the other side. As result, I am sticking to an only child, no regrets.
Personally I think 24 months (which is what you might get if you start right now) is too close. 24 month olds are still really little and need a lot of mommy/daddy time. Try going for a 3 year spacing. 3 was about the first point when I felt like I could have had another baby without taking away too much from my first child (although I opted not to do it at all). |
Anonymous
|
Every family has a different dynamic. I'm one of 3 and while we fought as kids, we were also each other's biggest champions. Today my siblings are my best friends. We talk multiple times a week. Sometimes it's a 30 sec high and other times it's more serious--like I caught my wife in bed with another man, our kids are under 5---what the heck am I going to do??? The best part of close siblings is the cardinal rule-don't tell mom and dad. So when my brother was trying to figure out what to do, my sister and I protected him from our parents questions over the holidays. It's nice to have built in defense.
When our mom died, it was supportive to have someone to call who knew just how you felt. As our dad ages, it's nice to not have all the responsibility. I delibertly had 2 kids because of my sibling experience. I would have had 3 but time was not on my side. What sort of rivalries are you envisioning? |
Anonymous
| Some of this is just a roll of the dice, depending on temperament, sex, common interests, etc. There's no way to game it perfectly, and you just have to do your best to mitigate conflict as it comes up. |
Anonymous
I'm also 5 years from my sib and I would say we were too far apart for serious sibling rivalry and we are very close as adults and were close as kids too. My advice is wait a bit. |
Anonymous
No it's not. It can be at times, but some siblings can be thick as thieves and best friends. OP, there's no magic number to space children. Siblings can be close and have large age gaps and close in age and get along great. I agree with PP, it's mainly parenting style that makes kids rivals. I'd get yourself screened for anxiety if fear of sibling rivalry is holding you back from parenting a second. Is there something more going on? |
Anonymous
|
My boys are 5 years apart (16 and 11) and you'd think it wouldn't be an issue but they have major sibling rivalry. I'm hoping once my 11 year old matures a little it will become less of an issue and they will be close as adults.
Me and my brother were 8 years apart and never had sibling rivalry but are not close at all as adults. My husband and his sister are 5 years apart, sibling rivalry as kids but are super close as adults. I think it depends on personalities and parent management how these things end up. |
Anonymous
| Just curious - what is 'sibling rivalry'? My kids are 9 and 11 and seem to get along fine and vie for my attention at times but doesn't seem unhealthy. Maybe I'm missing something... |
Anonymous
| My two boys ( now teenagers) are 2 years and 8 months apart, and it has been great! Of course they are competitive with each other and have always fought a lot, but they could not be closer. Someone once told me that women will always form close relationships with other women, but for men nothing is the same as a brother. |
Anonymous
| The fighting, negotiating, realizing that you are not the center of the world is an incredibly important part of growing up. Have that 2nd kid! |
Anonymous
| 15 and 11 year old. So happy to have 2. Mutual love and care with yes occasional jealousy and provocation. Wouldn't trade it for the world look forward to their future blossoming into late teens and early teens. 2 girls |
Anonymous
|
My sister and I are a year apart. That is too close. My college bf had two brothers and they were 2 to 3 years apart and they got along really well. Also, I happenned upon the "Siblings Without Rivalry" book when he and I were dating, and mentioned the things in there I wish my parents had done, and he said that his parents had done those things. So I think there are guides out there that can help you do things that will minimize the issues.
My kids are 2.5 years apart and it's working really well for us so far. I think this spacing is good. |
Anonymous
|
Sibling rivalry is simply part of life. Your theory/fears are akin to saying "I don't like poop, so i don't want a baby."
You either want another child in your family or you don't. There is really no way to avoid sibling rivalry. There are ways to deal with it (just like there are ways to deal with poopy diapers), but you aren't getting around it. |