Spouse caring for ailing parent

[Anonymous]

My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

[Anonymous]

Can you throw any money at the problem? Hire someone to run a few errands? Hire a babysitter? Hire someone to do a one-time deep clean of your house?

[Anonymous]

His dad dying!

Do you think either of them sat down and planned how this would go.

Do you think they don't wish this wasn't happening?

We don't get input in a lot of areas in our lives.

This is marriage. Sometimes the logistics falls to one person for a time.

I promise you however you feel it doesn't began to compare to caring for a sick and dying parent.

Heads up it's going to get tougher from hear on out and won't instantly better when your FIL passes and your DH is grieving.

If you can outsource things if that's help from friends, family, hiring someone, or even just cutting things down to the bare minimum do it!

I hope you never think of expecting some kind of special praise or an apology from him for this period of time in the future.

[Anonymous]

I do everything in the house anyway so this would not change my life at all.
Indeed, I would encourage him to care for his parent.

[Anonymous]

This happened to a friend of mine. She ended up having an affair and getting a divorce. She regrets it all now.

[Anonymous]

There is no softer pillow than a clear conscience, OP. I sleep well at night, knowing what I did for my parents. There are years of restful sleep ahead. Handle the rough stuff now, and sleep easy for the rest of your life.

I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His dad dying!

Do you think either of them sat down and planned how this would go.

Do you think they don't wish this wasn't happening?

We don't get input in a lot of areas in our lives.

This is marriage. Sometimes the logistics falls to one person for a time.

I promise you however you feel it doesn't began to compare to caring for a sick and dying parent.

Heads up it's going to get tougher from hear on out and won't instantly better when your FIL passes and your DH is grieving.

If you can outsource things if that's help from friends, family, hiring someone, or even just cutting things down to the bare minimum do it!

I hope you never think of expecting some kind of special praise or an apology from him for this period of time in the future.

This says it all.

[Anonymous]

As someone who spent much of last year taking care of my dying mother 5 hours away, I'd just say I know it sucks. Can you go there with him sometimes? I'm sure he misses you and the kids.

The house can go to shit for a while, or hire a housekeeper every other week if you can. Triage. No one regrets taking good care of a dying loved one. No one wishes they could have cleaned more thoroughly in this time. Eliminate anything non-urgent...your kids don't need to be in lots of activities or anything. Your family is cradling grandpa into death. It's all hands on deck. It shouldn't be all on your DH.

Come here to bitch, sure. It's good to vent. But please try to be nothing but kind and supportive to your DH. He is exhausted and grieving and missing normalcy and love. Try to prioritize him over anything but the kids...not laundry, not cleaning, etc. none of that will really matter a year from now. How you loved him will.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, OP, when people say their in-laws won't live forever, you can take this literally.

I can't imagine your reaction if your spouse or child fell ill. You'd crumble in a nano-second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who spent much of last year taking care of my dying mother 5 hours away, I'd just say I know it sucks. Can you go there with him sometimes? I'm sure he misses you and the kids.

The house can go to shit for a while, or hire a housekeeper every other week if you can. Triage. No one regrets taking good care of a dying loved one. No one wishes they could have cleaned more thoroughly in this time. Eliminate anything non-urgent...your kids don't need to be in lots of activities or anything. Your family is cradling grandpa into death. It's all hands on deck. It shouldn't be all on your DH.

Come here to bitch, sure. It's good to vent. But please try to be nothing but kind and supportive to your DH. He is exhausted and grieving and missing normalcy and love. Try to prioritize him over anything but the kids...not laundry, not cleaning, etc. none of that will really matter a year from now. How you loved him will.

All of this. It is hard, and it sucks for both of you. It's probably emotionally and physically exhausting for him and for you. Totally normal, and I hope no one is too harsh on you since an anonymous board can sometimes be a good place to vent.

Is there a timeframe? Is this an illness that could linger a year or two, or is he final stages? Is FIL in his own home, or in a care facility? When my MIL was in her last few months we had a toddler, an elderly dog, I WOH, and I had minor surgery at one point. It was really tough. A few times we drove with DH and just stayed at MIL's house while he spent the time with her at the nursing home. I definitely ate a lot of Lean Cuisines rather than dealing with real meals, and the 1yr old ate lots of easy finger foods.

Do you have good friends in your 'hood who you could lean on occasionally with carpools or even playdates for your kids so that you have time to do laundry or clean the house in peace? My mom in younger and in good health so would sometimes come for a few days when DH was going to be gone.

Good luck, this is definitely part of the "for better or worse" parts of marriage. And my condolences.

[Anonymous]

OP. MIL was very sick and in a nursing home. My wife had to attend to her, provide certain things and traveled about 2 hours round trip to where she was. Not only was I employed full time but it fell upon me to pick up the slack with the home and kids. It also cost us money when we really didn't have a lot to spare. Tough at times? Sure. But I guess since I loved my wife and my MIL I didn't feel burdened by it nor neglected. Sometimes we have an opportunity to give back. I for one relish those times in gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

[Anonymous]

OP, you have every right to complain. We all feel put upon at times by the turns life takes. But (I think) the subtext of your post is that you understand why your husband is doing what he is doing, and that you support him doing it. That's good. Focus on that. Life is hard at times, and there is just nothing you can do to change that. Be very very very grateful you are married to a man who knows how to do the right thing. When you're feeling overwhelmed, remember how amazing that is. He will be there for you when you need him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

If I were your therapist, I would tell you that your feelings are completely normal and ask you what input you would have liked to have. OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. A lot of context I have not shared make the situation more burdensome. But that does not matter. I am completely supportive of DH and never complain to him. Came on here because where else can you complain about something you know you have no right to complain about?

I work full time, have a toddler and preschooler. No family in the area to help. We are saving our money because we will be paying for the funeral expenses. FIL has been an abstentee parent for the past 15 years, blew through all of his money, does not have insurance, does not have any care, refuses any help outside of the family. He is stubborn and wants to die on his terms. That's fine- but it has left a lot of burden on my husband. And in turn- on me. My husband is helping because he is his father and he loves him. But his absence and decisions over the years have left me with little love for FIL. I love my DH and support him through this. But it is difficult. That's all I wanted to get off my chest.

As others have said- these are the "for worse" times. And they suck. And I guess I was just not prepared to deal with it all. I'm trying. And I think- I am doing ok. Just needed to vent a bit online so that in real life I can be everything my husband needs me to be. Thanks for the helpful advice and the tough love. It is all helpful to hear.

And honestly- I promise I know that I have little right to complain. My husband is going through so much more. But that does not mean that I am not allowed to be stressed or overwhelmed at times. I am not perfect and it is a tough situation. Harder for my husband- absolutely. My job is to make it easier for him. But it is definitely hard on me too.