Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is gonna lose her shit when hubby starts sleeping with a woman who actually recognizes he's a man. Cause mistresses aren't cheap!

OP here, any mistress he takes will have to pay for their dates and everything they do because I keep close track of every penny we have. If she's rich enough to keep him, she can move in with us and keep me too!

Anonymous wrote:Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

Anonymous wrote:Most people play over their head. They want more than they are qualified for. As a result, there is an on-going fascination with people who would frankly choose someone else if they had the option. It takes time to recognize your relative merit and date someone who's ambition includes you. I find it fascinating that people will convince themselves that their own merit is far in excess of what other people might say.
Not being a rock star, I don't rate 25 year old hard bodies. I have have learned to love the people who love me and I am much happier for it.

Anonymous wrote:I'm tempted to call the sheriff and ask if they've received any well-being requests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do you only have her work email?

No I have her mobile etc. too but we live in different countries now and she doesn't whatsapp etc much (her country use their own version of whatsapp alternative, whatever that is). We travel to each other's countries very frequently for work and I have met her outside of work (we met through work). And when we saw each other she flirted, etc. and wanted to spend time together. I'm sure I can't read woman or a situation as well as some of you do here but very certain that I said sometimes she seem interested with a good reason for saying so. -OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blow job.

Pretty much this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I've gotten the info that I needed and I choose not to play the "let's blame the OP" game, which seems to happen in this forum at times. I truly appreciate the good and heartfelt advice.

Have a good night.

Um, maybe you might need a bit more information than just find a lawyer and sock away money?

I left an angry man. He's still in my life because we have children together. This forum sometimes treats divorce as a finality unto itself. It's not. It's just one decision along the continuum of raising your children.

So my advice is to put as much into your divorce agreement as you could possibly imagine: when are the children allowed to drive? or travel abroad? All of the permissions that you will need down the line, no matter how far off it may seem. Get it in there now, so you don't have to deal with XH when these things eventually arise. Have child support done electronically through direct deposit. I'd hate the idea of ever seeing my XH on a monthly basis. I hold the children's passports, always. Tax questions! Who gets to claim them and when, for how long, under what circumstances? Camp questions. School enrollment. Can you sign off on paperwork yourself? I can, and it makes everything so so so much easier. How about oddities like keeping to a vegetarian diet during visitation? If that's important to you, or church attendance, get it settled through this process now. I even put into my agreement that the children required a separate sleeping area, and that no one would ever be referred to as any variation of mommy or daddy, even if one of us were to re-marry. Why? Because it is important to me and a reminder to XH that he is their one and only father. I'm trying to think of other esoteric things I placed within the agreement...but I think you've gotten the idea.

Set conditions, absolutes, and processes in place through the divorce agreement. Who pays for what, outside of child support? I honestly wish I'd put in that the kids get three meals during his visitation day because the asshole picks them up after I've fed them in the morning, and rolls them home after driving through McDonald's at night. He's that cheap. I wish I'd put in something about textbooks and college application fees. My kids are in kindergarten! I know. But, if I had just done that I wouldn't have to shoulder every single cost alone.

While socking away money, also get documentation re STBXH's income and trajectory. I forgot the word for it, but there's a way that the Court can estimate child support that isn't solely based on current income. For example, if he's on track to become partner, put it into the current agreement that the child support will increase by x% once his income hits blah%. Check with your attorney about having a slice of his yearly bonus go to the kids' college account.

I'm not even going to take another look at this thread. Like you, I'm terrified by the pitch forks some DCUMers bring to the conversation.

TLDR: Think long-term. Once the Court is no longer party to the discussion you will be on your own with him. You don't want that.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:It could end up costing that with the place he chose! We've never even kissed! I'm not sure how I feel about this...

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the responses. I read them all. I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. Going to talk it through with him but leaning towards saying nothing and trying to move forward.

What would make me even more despicable would be to let it happen again. I am going to learn from this and as pp says, put extra effort in being a better wife and mother.

I made a very bad decision but I don't know if all the parties - DH, myself and DC would be better off if I ultimately told DH and he decided to end our marriage.

I do need to explore why I allowed this to happen. I did have a moment of clarity and thought to myself, get out now why you have the chance but I didn't and I think a lot of that decision had to do with drinking.

I firmly believe I don't have an alcolohol problem. I honestly can't remember the last time I was intoxicated. Probably before DC was born. I was in the moment, mixed different types of liquor and didnt eat dinner plus my time zone was way out of whack. That being said, I take full responsibility for my actions and as I said, intend on working though this with a therapist but at this juncture I don't believe it is in anyone's best interest to tell.

For those who have asked about AP - I strongly believe he will not say anything. I see him maybe twice a year, we have no interaction other than these meetings every 6 months. He lives 5000 miles away.

It just the guilt and shame that I worry will eat away at me. But I have brought that on myself and will not ask for sympathy.

Anonymous wrote:Currently on a business trip overseas. Last night I got incredibly drunk and slept with a colleague. He is a foreign affiliate and I only see him twice a year. I do not have feelings for him. I was drunk and caught up in the moment. I have never ever cheated on my husband and I am just so devastated. I don't know what to do. Should I call my husband? I feel so sick over this. My husband is a good man and we have a good marriage. I would do anything to take it back. Has anyone been through anything similar? Can anyone offer me advice? Please help.

Anonymous wrote:OK, so DCUM is filled with bitter crazy posts, but there is nothing like this forum! Holy crap!

Just sharing. You can go back to your tales of infidelity and hatred now.