Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am going to get shit for saying this, but here it goes. I would ask him to get an apartment and tell him that you living together is not working. Figure out before you confront him why it's better that you stay in the house. The kids should probably stay with the parent that is in the house to lessen the blow at this point. Before this starts. Figure out how much rent you can afford on just your salary. You may need to be renting a very small place for a while with bunk beds. Or if the two of you own a home without a mortgage, can you pay his part of the house off (mortgage payments to him). Start thinking about what kind of person he will be like in a divorce. I agree with the advice about not having the kids there when either parent is moving out. Will you go after him for full custody? Will he challenge you for full custody? What are your house hold assets? What about your/his debt? Will you be uprooting the kids to a different school district for lower price rent? Just start making these lists now. Also, try googling understanding divorce proceedings and children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.

I don't understand why everyone is jumping on OP. She asked some simple questions. She didn't ask if she should consider staying in an unhappy marriage? Stop beating up on her and allow her to make her decision. She seems pretty level headed and has taken the account of her children into consideration she said, believe her. I grew up in an unhappy married home, my parents are still unhappy but together. They both feed off each other, it's not a pretty scene, it's their choice. I believe in allowing one to make their choice. OP said her DH is not happy either, and consoling has failed.

OP, good luck to you. I hope you see happier days in your future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you've already checked out then. Okay. And maybe you are looking forward to being a PT/50% mom. That's fine, too. Get your financial life in order, develop a game plan, etc.

But don't blindside him. Just because you *think* you'll be cool with everything doesn't mean he will (or you will).

Best of luck to you.

AGAIN, sigh, we've been to counseling and talked at great length about this.

See?? The "blame the OP game".

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I've gotten the info that I needed and I choose not to play the "let's blame the OP" game, which seems to happen in this forum at times. I truly appreciate the good and heartfelt advice.

Have a good night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I've gotten the info that I needed and I choose not to play the "let's blame the OP" game, which seems to happen in this forum at times. I truly appreciate the good and heartfelt advice.

Have a good night.

Um, maybe you might need a bit more information than just find a lawyer and sock away money?

I left an angry man. He's still in my life because we have children together. This forum sometimes treats divorce as a finality unto itself. It's not. It's just one decision along the continuum of raising your children.

So my advice is to put as much into your divorce agreement as you could possibly imagine: when are the children allowed to drive? or travel abroad? All of the permissions that you will need down the line, no matter how far off it may seem. Get it in there now, so you don't have to deal with XH when these things eventually arise. Have child support done electronically through direct deposit. I'd hate the idea of ever seeing my XH on a monthly basis. I hold the children's passports, always. Tax questions! Who gets to claim them and when, for how long, under what circumstances? Camp questions. School enrollment. Can you sign off on paperwork yourself? I can, and it makes everything so so so much easier. How about oddities like keeping to a vegetarian diet during visitation? If that's important to you, or church attendance, get it settled through this process now. I even put into my agreement that the children required a separate sleeping area, and that no one would ever be referred to as any variation of mommy or daddy, even if one of us were to re-marry. Why? Because it is important to me and a reminder to XH that he is their one and only father. I'm trying to think of other esoteric things I placed within the agreement...but I think you've gotten the idea.

Set conditions, absolutes, and processes in place through the divorce agreement. Who pays for what, outside of child support? I honestly wish I'd put in that the kids get three meals during his visitation day because the asshole picks them up after I've fed them in the morning, and rolls them home after driving through McDonald's at night. He's that cheap. I wish I'd put in something about textbooks and college application fees. My kids are in kindergarten! I know. But, if I had just done that I wouldn't have to shoulder every single cost alone.

While socking away money, also get documentation re STBXH's income and trajectory. I forgot the word for it, but there's a way that the Court can estimate child support that isn't solely based on current income. For example, if he's on track to become partner, put it into the current agreement that the child support will increase by x% once his income hits blah%. Check with your attorney about having a slice of his yearly bonus go to the kids' college account.

I'm not even going to take another look at this thread. Like you, I'm terrified by the pitch forks some DCUMers bring to the conversation.

TLDR: Think long-term. Once the Court is no longer party to the discussion you will be on your own with him. You don't want that.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

This. The DCUM go go divorce crowd is a sad bunch

We have 2 children