Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

^*don’t get the sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We went on a date last night. He asked if he could take me out and I was unsure how I felt at first, but then agreed. This might sound weird, but I love thrifting. Most of our kids' clothes and toys are second hand and I usually buy them from parent sales or second hand kids stores. I enjoy the hunt, saving money, and avoiding any excess consumerism that I can. Anyway, he took me to one of those pop up kids consignment sales. It was the presale night so he bought us tickets in advance and it was a bunch of moms in their Lululemon, sipping wine, scrambling for all the Mini Boden and Maissonette they could grab. DH was the only guy there and was taking it very seriously- diligently sifting through the racks our daughters' sizes and trying to piece together outfits and bringing them to me (sometimes with shoes) for my approval. Most were really bad, but I feigned excitement for his efforts. Our kids are going to look a little wonky this summer, but it was just the perfect combo of hilarious and sweet. It was something wildly outside of his comfort zone, but he clearly put a lot of thought into planning something up my alley that also takes a task off my plate.
Then we went to a cozy ramen restaurant and shared a big bowl. The whole night just felt like "us". I only had one fleeting thought about the affair when we saw bikes at the sale and DH expressed excitement that we can teach our oldest how to ride a two wheeler this summer and kick off family bike ride era and I thought "If we're still together". There was a minute of silence after he said that so I think he was realizing the same.

Le sigh. My emotions hurt.

I feel like I was with you until you said you shared a bowl of ramen. Nobody does that!

[Anonymous]

The fact that he continued to have contact with this woman for 3 years is much more damaging than one night of sex. An emotional affair lasting that long should cause you to take a serious step back and think carefully about whether you really want to continue to invest in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

My away. The rest of us are enjoying supporting OP and getting updates.

Enjoy your fiction and the "le sighs." barf.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy your fiction and the "le sighs." barf.

Enjoy your sad, pathetic life because you completely lack empathy and no one wants to be your friend. Barf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he continued to have contact with this woman for 3 years is much more damaging than one night of sex. An emotional affair lasting that long should cause you to take a serious step back and think carefully about whether you really want to continue to invest in the relationship.

I don't know, it's like an interactive romcom novel or something. It's not like she was a "whole" person to him as far as I've gathered. She's been more like an entertaining chatbot. And it sounds like OP's DH had a major wake-up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he continued to have contact with this woman for 3 years is much more damaging than one night of sex. An emotional affair lasting that long should cause you to take a serious step back and think carefully about whether you really want to continue to invest in the relationship.

I don't know, it's like an interactive romcom novel or something. It's not like she was a "whole" person to him as far as I've gathered. She's been more like an entertaining chatbot. And it sounds like OP's DH had a major wake-up call.

Has he had a wake-up call, though? He hasn’t that many consequences, not really.

The fact that he dedicated SO much time and energy to someone who was not “real” to him is frankly, more problematic than if she were. Chatbot doesn’t capture it - this is a woman he slept with once and, were it not for the pandemic, might have slept with repeatedly. That’s not trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he continued to have contact with this woman for 3 years is much more damaging than one night of sex. An emotional affair lasting that long should cause you to take a serious step back and think carefully about whether you really want to continue to invest in the relationship.

I don't know, it's like an interactive romcom novel or something. It's not like she was a "whole" person to him as far as I've gathered. She's been more like an entertaining chatbot. And it sounds like OP's DH had a major wake-up call.

Has he had a wake-up call, though? He hasn’t that many consequences, not really.

The fact that he dedicated SO much time and energy to someone who was not “real” to him is frankly, more problematic than if she were. Chatbot doesn’t capture it - this is a woman he slept with once and, were it not for the pandemic, might have slept with repeatedly. That’s not trivial.

NP and, combined with the secretive drinking, I tend to agree. Both seem like avenues for escape (from work? his marriage/family?) and/or issues with addiction. Hopefully something he’s digging into in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he continued to have contact with this woman for 3 years is much more damaging than one night of sex. An emotional affair lasting that long should cause you to take a serious step back and think carefully about whether you really want to continue to invest in the relationship.

I don't know, it's like an interactive romcom novel or something. It's not like she was a "whole" person to him as far as I've gathered. She's been more like an entertaining chatbot. And it sounds like OP's DH had a major wake-up call.

On the other hand, he gas developed a habit over 3 years that might br hard to break. I'd be watch out for him looking for other virtual outlets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Enjoy your fiction and the "le sighs." barf.

Enjoy your sad, pathetic life because you completely lack empathy and no one wants to be your friend. Barf.

LOL, seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We went on a date last night. He asked if he could take me out and I was unsure how I felt at first, but then agreed. This might sound weird, but I love thrifting. Most of our kids' clothes and toys are second hand and I usually buy them from parent sales or second hand kids stores. I enjoy the hunt, saving money, and avoiding any excess consumerism that I can. Anyway, he took me to one of those pop up kids consignment sales. It was the presale night so he bought us tickets in advance and it was a bunch of moms in their Lululemon, sipping wine, scrambling for all the Mini Boden and Maissonette they could grab. DH was the only guy there and was taking it very seriously- diligently sifting through the racks our daughters' sizes and trying to piece together outfits and bringing them to me (sometimes with shoes) for my approval. Most were really bad, but I feigned excitement for his efforts. Our kids are going to look a little wonky this summer, but it was just the perfect combo of hilarious and sweet. It was something wildly outside of his comfort zone, but he clearly put a lot of thought into planning something up my alley that also takes a task off my plate.
Then we went to a cozy ramen restaurant and shared a big bowl. The whole night just felt like "us". I only had one fleeting thought about the affair when we saw bikes at the sale and DH expressed excitement that we can teach our oldest how to ride a two wheeler this summer and kick off family bike ride era and I thought "If we're still together". There was a minute of silence after he said that so I think he was realizing the same.

Le sigh. My emotions hurt.

I feel like I was with you until you said you shared a bowl of ramen. Nobody does that!

Perhaps Lady and the Tramp after the bowl of spaghetti. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he continued to have contact with this woman for 3 years is much more damaging than one night of sex. An emotional affair lasting that long should cause you to take a serious step back and think carefully about whether you really want to continue to invest in the relationship.

I don't know, it's like an interactive romcom novel or something. It's not like she was a "whole" person to him as far as I've gathered. She's been more like an entertaining chatbot. And it sounds like OP's DH had a major wake-up call.

On the other hand, he gas developed a habit over 3 years that might br hard to break. I'd be watch out for him looking for other virtual outlets.

DP. The bold is an excellent point and something he needs to be frank about in therapy. Right now he may be very focused on keeping OP happy, atoning, trying to put an intense spotlight on the marriage and on being a better husband, and that's all actually OK. But over time, he may start to itch for what this PP refers to as virtual outlets. Another affair-by-text would be one version, or increasing his drinking, or using pOrn to ramp up his fantasies. He might not have the self-awareness and self-control to avoid letting any of those things become another ongoing and problematic habit.

In short, right now his focus is all OP and the marriage, but in time, he might find a replacement fantasy, even if not in the same form. That fantasy might never again involve real sex with an actual woman, but he might start to crave something that feels transgressive again. It's absolutely an issue he needs to unpack in therapy and something of which OP should be aware. But this also is likely a future issue, not one in the here and now when they're both in marriage crisis mode.

[Anonymous]

OP, any updates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a wonderful long troll after reading the back trauma.

That said it’s a very good one and I’m enjoying it! I don’t believe OP is really spinning details of a real life, however.

Yes, starting to wonder also. If it’s a troll, it’s well done but the family trauma seems a little too on the nose or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a wonderful long troll after reading the back trauma.

That said it’s a very good one and I’m enjoying it! I don’t believe OP is really spinning details of a real life, however.

Yes, starting to wonder also. If it’s a troll, it’s well done but the family trauma seems a little too on the nose or something.

Agreed. I was all in from the beginning, but it was the “oh so perfect” date night that sealed it for me. “Le sigh”? Really? The OP seems to be enjoying writing these details a bit too much.