DD’s butt pinched in the pool

[Anonymous]

My 11yo dd, her younger siblings, and my husband were all swimming at a pool at the hotel where we are staying. Dd was swimming underwater and came up to find herself surrounded by a group of slightly older boys, she estimated @13-14. She immediately went back underwater and swam away and one of them pinched her butt. She immediately told my husband quietly (he was on the other side of the pool with younger kids) but was very embarrassed and made him promise not to say anything so he didn’t. He and then they told me about what happened at dinner after.

How would you handle? We both repeatedly told dd she did nothing wrong, but we also want her to learn to either stand up for herself (and/or others) or be ok with an adult saying something on her behalf. She’s usually a strong kid and advocate for herself and others but this was the first time anything like this has happened to her. I remember numerous inappropriate things happening to me from this age on and my mom telling me things along the line of “boys will be boys” and I don’t want her to think it’s ok for boys to get away with behavior like this. But of course their behavior is not her fault and she didn’t do anything wrong by just wanting to get away from the situation.

[Anonymous]

My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.

Meant to add that your dd did the right thing by telling your dh. Your dh made the wrong call by agreeing to do nothing. I understand why he complied with her wishes, but this isn’t a “let it go” situation. Your dd needs to know that there are men out there who absolutely will not tolerate that kind of behavior, and Dad needs to be at the top of that list.

[Anonymous]

It seems odd that your DH did not say / do anything at that moment. Even if he sent your daughters back to the room and then handled it with hotel management or spoke directly to the boys. It’s also really odd that they both waited to mention it to you until after dinner.

My husband would have been LIVID, and those boys would have remembered that experience for years to come. My husband is an attorney, so while he would not have called the police on them, he would’ve used words to make the boys think they would be in legal trouble. Their parents absolutely should have been informed. Now those boys are going to try that again on the next younger girl they want to take advantage of .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.

You did nothing wrong. The power imbalance was too great.

[Anonymous]

As a family, read Fighting Words by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley and Maybe He Just Likes You by Barbara Dee. Discuss. (FW is fantastic as a anudiobook…you can listen to it in the car when you drive home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.

Meant to add that your dd did the right thing by telling your dh. Your dh made the wrong call by agreeing to do nothing. I understand why he complied with her wishes, but this isn’t a “let it go” situation. Your dd needs to know that there are men out there who absolutely will not tolerate that kind of behavior, and Dad needs to be at the top of that list.

NP here, and I agree. Your DH basically just reinforced your DD's sense of victim-blame and normalized the idea that men/boys can assault her without impunity. He obviously didn't do it consciously, but he probably has internalized the idea of "boys will be boys". He should ask himself what he would have done if the boys had punched his 11 y.o. son.

What those boys did was assault. They probably haven't been taught that it's assault, but it is...and their ignorance isn't an excuse. Your DH needs to some soul-searching about his understanding of male/female relationships, and he needs to have a very frank discussion with your DD about who is responsible for sexual harassment/assault (hint: never the victim).

[Anonymous]

The thing is, she chose how she wanted to handle it. She wanted to handle it by doing nothing. One time while I was waiting on a train platform, around age 40, two teenage boys walked by and one said something derogatory about my boobs. I did and said nothing, and I stand by that. He didn't hurt me, and he's the one who has to live with being a person who speaks like that to women. That's on him.

Could your daughter have kicked the boy in the balls? Sure, maybe. Could she have let your husband go over and yell at the boy and made a big stink and ruined DD's night and caused her to remember it as The Vacation Where Daddy Made a Big Deal Out of Something Small and Embarrassed Me? Sure. She chose. Drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.

I disagree with this. Her DD did the right thing. She was outnumbered and, especially given the ages, likely a large differential in size. Getting to physical safety with someone trusted was absolutely the right thing to do. Her father, however, failed miserably. A father is literally the one man a girl should be able to trust unequivocably with her safety. He just taught her that a someone can physically harm her right in front of him, and he's willing to act like it's NBD. He absolutely should have shut down the idea that she had anything to be embarrassed about right then and there (regardless of whether she still went back to her room). The only people who should be ashamed are the little rapists-in-training who would touch a girl within eyeshot of her father. And now the father, who decided to let them get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Dad failed, but. He can steel himself to better if it ever happens again (hopefully it won’t!). Sometimes we are just caught off guard. I can picture my own husband being unsure in this moment.

[Anonymous]

I had a comment prepared and re-read your post. I think your DD read the room very well. These weren’t some boys from her community pool that she was familiar with and would feel more comfortable asserting herself. These were strangers and despite her dad being there, making a scene is not always the safest method. Hoping your DH and her left the pool immediately.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter was assaulted. DH should have called the police on the punks. Not ok.

[Anonymous]

This was hard and none of you should beat yourselves up about it, but with hindsight, maybe DH could have said that he must say something about it. I dunno, it’s a tough one.

I would make sure she knows that your DH is also upset about it and isn’t sure he did the right thing by keeping quiet. Maybe you can all do some research together and discuss how you would want to handle it if it happened again and why. Talk to a counselor maybe?

I guess I’m saying that just because it happened how it happened doesn’t mean anybody “blew it” and you don’t have to be infallible in the moment. DD is still processing so I think be honest about how you’re feeling about it all too. Maybe a counselor could help if you have a good one.

[Anonymous]

Oh god this just brought up a horrible memory... a few years ago we were on a family vacation and were walking down the street in Barcelona. A group of kids were walking toward us and one grabbed by DD's breast. My DH and I both saw it happen and my DH lost it. Screamed at them and they ran away. It was so traumatic for all of us, but of course my DD the most. This stuff is so awful, especially at such a young age.

Obviously I think your husband should have said something but what's done is done. Just make sure to tell your daughter that she did the right thing and that she should *always* feel comfortable speaking her mind and that it's not embarrassing to call out someone else's terrible and sexist behaviour!

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame your dh or dd in this situation. It’s SO hard to know the right thing to do the first time it happens. I can see my 13 year old insisting the exact same thing and both my dh and I unsure whether or not to comply with her request to save her embarrassment or talk to the kids.

So chalk this up as a learning experience for everyone in your family—how do we handle it when it happens next time? This is WHY we speak up—not to embarrass you, but because if we don’t, then the boys think it’s passable behavior.