Reply to DD’s butt pinched in the pool

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.[/quote]

Meant to add that your dd did the right thing by telling your dh. [b]Your dh made the wrong call by agreeing to do nothing[/b]. I understand why he complied with her wishes, but this isn’t a “let it go” situation. Your dd needs to know that there are men out there who absolutely will not tolerate that kind of behavior, and Dad needs to be at the top of that list.[/quote]
NP here, and I agree. Your DH basically just reinforced your DD's sense of victim-blame and normalized the idea that men/boys can assault her without impunity. He obviously didn't do it consciously, but he probably has internalized the idea of "boys will be boys". He should ask himself what he would have done if the boys had punched his 11 y.o. son.

What those boys did was assault. They probably haven't been taught that it's assault, but it is...and their ignorance isn't an excuse. Your DH needs to some soul-searching about his understanding of male/female relationships, and he needs to have a very frank discussion with your DD about who is responsible for sexual harassment/assault (hint: never the victim).[/quote]

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