DD’s butt pinched in the pool

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of having a talk with DD and both parents, and dad saying he is not sure whether he did the right thing. You can discuss whether it is or should be embarrassing, what she did (the right thing for sure). What he did and did not do. Etc. different situations call for different responses. Have the discussion.

[Anonymous]

You can still show DD it was a big deal. Dad can lead a conversation about it where you all address her response and his, and what he could have done better. He can apologize, reinforce concepts of consent and how to handle these moments. I agree about creating a new moment for her to remember, a new ending to this story.

Keep in mind that these lessons are reinforced daily. Any time you are going out, whether to family’s house or to the mall, you can talk about these issues. Teaching her to stand up for herself generally will help her stand up for herself in the context of sexual assault.

[Anonymous]

I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.

[Anonymous]

I think DH did the right thing. You don't learn to stand for yourself if he ignores what you ask and stands up for you. All you learn is that your dad will ignore what you want and do what he wants in situations like this. The next time it happens she's way more likely not to tell you guys. I know because the way my dad ignored me when I was bullied as a kid meant that I never told him about the numerous time I was sexually assaulted. I never told anyone, because I couldn't trust how they'd react.

Have a conversation with her about her choices if something like this happens again, but they should be her choices, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t blame your dh or dd in this situation. It’s SO hard to know the right thing to do the first time it happens. I can see my 13 year old insisting the exact same thing and both my dh and I unsure whether or not to comply with her request to save her embarrassment or talk to the kids.

So chalk this up as a learning experience for everyone in your family—how do we handle it when it happens next time? This is WHY we speak up—not to embarrass you, but because if we don’t, then the boys think it’s passable behavior.

^ this. Beautifully said ! Don’t beat your husband up over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems odd that your DH did not say / do anything at that moment. Even if he sent your daughters back to the room and then handled it with hotel management or spoke directly to the boys. It’s also really odd that they both waited to mention it to you until after dinner.

My husband would have been LIVID, and those boys would have remembered that experience for years to come. My husband is an attorney, so while he would not have called the police on them, he would’ve used words to make the boys think they would be in legal trouble. Their parents absolutely should have been informed. Now those boys are going to try that again on the next younger girl they want to take advantage of .

Your husband wouldn't have known which boy did it (if any of them did.) If your husband did that to MY boy, I would be LIVID and it would be something your husband would remember for the rest of their life. If your husband made threats against my kid, he'd be jail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.

Without knowing who did it? There were several boys and according to OP's daughter there was only one pinch--which means you would be "gong off" on several innocent parties. If you "went off" on my kid who hadn't done anything wrong, I'd alert hotel security and hopefully they'd have you thrown out. You can't just go around screaming at random innocent strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH did the right thing. You don't learn to stand for yourself if he ignores what you ask and stands up for you. All you learn is that your dad will ignore what you want and do what he wants in situations like this. The next time it happens she's way more likely not to tell you guys. I know because the way my dad ignored me when I was bullied as a kid meant that I never told him about the numerous time I was sexually assaulted. I never told anyone, because I couldn't trust how they'd react.

Have a conversation with her about her choices if something like this happens again, but they should be her choices, not yours.

All of this, especially the follow-up conversation. She was very clear about how she wanted her dad to react when she shared it with him. You think it empowers her to completely ignore how she wants this handled? No. That would send the message that her parents aren’t the ppl she can trust in her scariest moments. She did the right thing, dad did the right thing in honoring the response she wanted in that moment. Now you have a conversation as a family about how wrong their behavior was, how she was right to come to you, and other ways you all might handle this behavior in the future because it’s never ok for anyone to do that to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.

Without knowing who did it? There were several boys and according to OP's daughter there was only one pinch--which means you would be "gong off" on several innocent parties. If you "went off" on my kid who hadn't done anything wrong, I'd alert hotel security and hopefully they'd have you thrown out. You can't just go around screaming at random innocent strangers.

I’m sure the hotel would love the prospect of a review claiming an 11 year old was assaulted in the pool and then her family was thrown out for standing up for her. Of every possible outcome, throwing the girl’s family out of the hotel is the one most likely to result in hotel management being fired

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.

Without knowing who did it? There were several boys and according to OP's daughter there was only one pinch--which means you would be "gong off" on several innocent parties. If you "went off" on my kid who hadn't done anything wrong, I'd alert hotel security and hopefully they'd have you thrown out. You can't just go around screaming at random innocent strangers.

I’m sure the hotel would love the prospect of a review claiming an 11 year old was assaulted in the pool and then her family was thrown out for standing up for her. Of every possible outcome, throwing the girl’s family out of the hotel is the one most likely to result in hotel management being fired

Wow, so you're the type of person that likes to lie in yelp reviews to get your way?

"Going off" on an innocent party is not standing up for your daughter. Two wrongs don't make a right. And presumably, you are an adult who should know better.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard. You don't want to teach your daughter that it is okay what the boys did but you also need to allow your daughter to choose how to handle it. You don't want to have her feel like she can't come to you in the future.
Recognizing that she is young and a minor and hindsight, the better option might have been to explain to her why it would have been important to confront the boys - then confront the boys sternly but in a way that also educates them on why their behaviour is not okay.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid (I’m now 39) it would have been unimaginable to me to speak out to a boy who pinched my butt, let alone tell my dad about it. I think the suggestion that you talk to DD about what you COULD have done is a good one.

Also in the mid 90s I was straight up attacked and molested in a mall by a stranger. I was 11. I found my mom, who was just in the next store over, and she told me I should never talk about it again “or you won’t be allowed anywhere by yourself.”

That was messed up then, but my point is, times have changed. It’s great. Don’t beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.

Without knowing who did it? There were several boys and according to OP's daughter there was only one pinch--which means you would be "gong off" on several innocent parties. If you "went off" on my kid who hadn't done anything wrong, I'd alert hotel security and hopefully they'd have you thrown out. You can't just go around screaming at random innocent strangers.

I’m sure the hotel would love the prospect of a review claiming an 11 year old was assaulted in the pool and then her family was thrown out for standing up for her. Of every possible outcome, throwing the girl’s family out of the hotel is the one most likely to result in hotel management being fired

Wow, so you're the type of person that likes to lie in yelp reviews to get your way?

"Going off" on an innocent party is not standing up for your daughter. Two wrongs don't make a right. And presumably, you are an adult who should know better.

both are factual claims. If I was thrown out after this, I would absolutely call the police to report the assault and let the boys deal with the inevitable interviews

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems odd that your DH did not say / do anything at that moment. Even if he sent your daughters back to the room and then handled it with hotel management or spoke directly to the boys. It’s also really odd that they both waited to mention it to you until after dinner.

My husband would have been LIVID, and those boys would have remembered that experience for years to come. My husband is an attorney, so while he would not have called the police on them, he would’ve used words to make the boys think they would be in legal trouble. Their parents absolutely should have been informed. Now those boys are going to try that again on the next younger girl they want to take advantage of .

What would you have done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems odd that your DH did not say / do anything at that moment. Even if he sent your daughters back to the room and then handled it with hotel management or spoke directly to the boys. It’s also really odd that they both waited to mention it to you until after dinner.

My husband would have been LIVID, and those boys would have remembered that experience for years to come. My husband is an attorney, so while he would not have called the police on them, he would’ve used words to make the boys think they would be in legal trouble. Their parents absolutely should have been informed. Now those boys are going to try that again on the next younger girl they want to take advantage of .

Your husband wouldn't have known which boy did it (if any of them did.) If your husband did that to MY boy, I would be LIVID and it would be something your husband would remember for the rest of their life. If your husband made threats against my kid, he'd be jail.

Hi, mom of a future rapist!