Low energy parents - have a second kid?

[Anonymous]

My DH (40) and I (38) are fairly low energy and we’re homebodies. During our free time we’re the type of people who enjoy watching Netflix and eating takeout. We have an 18 month old who is the light of our lives and was conceived via IVF. We’re considering having another child but are quite happy with our little trio. I always thought I wanted 2 kids but now I’m not so sure (given our lifestyle). DH will likely have to resume traveling for work once COVID is under control leaving me with the lion’s share of kid and dog duties during the week. I can’t imaging having to haul a baby and toddler to daycare, pick them up, get them fed, bathed and to bed - all on my own, with no family or support nearby to help. There’s a chance we may be able to move closer to family (in another state) but no guarantee, and even then, they can’t assist on a daily basis due to age (nor would I expect them to).

I plan to do another round of IVF and freeze the embryos so in theory I could space the second a little further apart. We already have another genetically normal embryo on ice.

I’ve never met or frankly heard of a parent who regrets their second but I know there are others who regret not having more than 1 child. I have 2 older siblings and we’re still all really close. DH is an only and thinks he missed out on having sibling around.

Has anyone been through this? At what point were you ready to have a second? Should I just bite the bullet and do it? I don’t know that I want to be in my early 40s with a newborn so I need to decide fairly soon. Having a second just scares the hell out of me with all of the work (and expense) involved.

[Anonymous]

This is part of why we just have one. Sometimes I regret it -- I like babies, DD would be an amazing sister, etc -- but I also feel like I am working hard to be a good parent just to one, can't imagine I'd be better with two. If we'd had two, I'm sure it would have been a joy, but our family of three is happy.

[Anonymous]

I feel a lot like you in terms of lifestyle and DH traveling. I knew I wanted two though for the experience of being pregnant and giving birth again, a much more enjoyable new stage and just the general dynamics of having two kids/siblings. I had always thought I wanted more and definitely happy with just two now.

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider in the lower energy side, is that you will need to more intensively parent your DD if she is an only than if she has a sibling who can socialize and play with her. Thinking more weekend activities, play dates, etc.

—mother of a 5mo, unsure about a second, who wants to be reading a book in bed right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing to consider in the lower energy side, is that you will need to more intensively parent your DD if she is an only than if she has a sibling who can socialize and play with her. Thinking more weekend activities, play dates, etc.

—mother of a 5mo, unsure about a second, who wants to be reading a book in bed right now.

+2 I wouldn't say we are low-energy exactly but most of what we like to do -- very long hikes, eat at nice restaurants, read for hours on the couch on a weekend -- we found ourselves unable to do with a young child. (Especially our first who was insane as a baby and toddler -- literally could not sit at a table or stay still until he was 4.) We had a second, because we always wanted a second, and it's been wonderful because they play so well together and have since the second was about a year old. They are 7 and 4 now. Life is way better when they are both home together and can play. I can actually get time to myself in a way I can't when one is at school or at a playdate and the other demands my attention constantly. They have more fun on the playground too -- there's only so long I'm going to chase and play tag with anyone, but they will entertain each other for hours. In fact, sometimes we have to carve out one-on-one time -- like taking the older one to a museum (pre-covid) -- because they are always clamoring to play together. Even when they're fighting.

[Anonymous]

Yeah the other side of it is that my parents with one kid end up having to “play”
With their kids longer than parents with 2 or more who have siblings to play with.

This week my 10 and 12 year olds played happily in the snow for hours while I sat under a blanket and read

[Anonymous]

Yes, we had a second and we’re very happy. Our two kids are easy-going, one is very low energy, the other is pretty relaxed as well. So genetics might play in your favor!

[Anonymous]

I also agree with the points made by some others on the benefits of a sibling. I think back to my childhood and my sister and I (3.5 years apart) played nonstop together for years. I have two young daughters and the short amounts of time they already fully engage together in playing is so magical to see and great for me!

[Anonymous]

We were in this situation a few years ago and decided to stop at one. My DH is an only child and I have a sibling younger by 7 years so we never really played together. We are very happy with our decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing to consider in the lower energy side, is that you will need to more intensively parent your DD if she is an only than if she has a sibling who can socialize and play with her. Thinking more weekend activities, play dates, etc.

—mother of a 5mo, unsure about a second, who wants to be reading a book in bed right now.

This. Having an only is a lot of work. I am so grateful we had a sibling for our first (also needed help).

[Anonymous]

This was us about a year ago. I can't speak to anyone else's experiences, but we decided to "wait" knowing that choice could mean not having a second. I'm glad we did, and now we have a delightful three year old and feel much more confident in staying a family of three. All the things people are talking about on the thread -- meals at nicer restaurants, relaxing weekend mornings reading, laid back travel, etc., is all within sight for us with our current kid. The thought of adding an infant to the mix and restarting that clock doesn't sound appealing to me at all right now, even though I still definitely get baby pangs when I see my friends' new babies.

I think two kids can be great for low energy parents, too, especially as they get older and can entertain each other while you step back a bit. But one thing I've seen from friends is that this doesn't happen for quite a while so you have to be willing to put in the effort to make it happen. Eventually they will play together, but there is a long transition period, and for very young children, being even just a year apart (much less 2 or 3) is going to limit how much they really interact. Doesn't mean they won't -- my friends' kids can be so sweet with younger siblings -- but it's not this effortless transition.

I think we just realized that while that's a worthwhile endeavor, it's not for us. I'm also just very into my one kid and really enjoying investing energy in her as she develops interests and hobbies. I can foresee a lovely future for the three of us and I don't feel like anything is missing from our lives. If anything, I'm relieved that we didn't pull the trigger last year when we were talking about having a second. The choice gets easier and feels more right with each passing day, and I can't wait until a couple years from now when we can take our then-five-year-old on adventures that would be impossible, or at least a lot less fun, with a toddler in tow.

[Anonymous]

We are almost exactly your profile, especially the low energy. My dh doesn’t travel though. We did go for the second. It has been a disaster. The lowest points of my life, and of our marriage. Couples therapy. It is far more than double the work.

But...I was spoiling my oldest. I didn’t realize it but I understand now how he never had to wait for attention. Usually never even had to ask. It has forced me to establish boundaries and empower him in ways I would not have done before. And of course our second child is loved and is usually the sunniest of all of us. We have to get outside and be active everyday at least twice a day, no matter the weather. We were very lay in bed people before. We had to adapt.

We’ve just reached ages 2 and 4. Just now getting sleep routines under control (shakily) and moving towards last potty training. It’s a gauntlet. We came through stronger I think, but it shaved a few years off my life for sure. We both had to give up our separate selves almost entirely for a while there, it’s divide and conquer when they are young. You really have to be buckled in. Hoping for a break at least until the teenage years.

[Anonymous]

If you have a nanny when you have the second, most of what you fear won’t be a problem. No picking up, she can feed them dinner at 5 pm, you just do bedtime.

Heck, if you have enough money, she can stay through bedtime when DH travels, even just for the first year.

The phase you are describing is exhausting. Just be sure you can be happy with just one for life - kids take less physical work as the years go on.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t - I’m high energy and a little younger and it’s still exhausting. My dh is low energy and I have to pick up a lot of the slack for him. 2 kids is more than 2 of the work you have today - the competing needs and wants, the fighting etc make the work much more exhausting

[Anonymous]

We have a 5 year old only child and she’s so self sufficient and we have tons of free time. A big part is that there are two parents, so even if one child needs more attention, there’s a 2:1 ratio and one parent can relax. I think PPs are projecting what they think only children are like based on their experiences of kids with siblings, but my only child mom friends and I text about being bored and having hobbies. Don’t think you’ll be doing that in another 3 years if you have a second.