Low energy parents - have a second kid?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what’s right for you, but I stuck with one because it just never felt like the right time to add a baby to our lives. It always sounded like waaay too much work. And then DD was 4 and I just knew we were done. I didn’t want to have more kids. One is enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 5 year old only child and she’s so self sufficient and we have tons of free time. A big part is that there are two parents, so even if one child needs more attention, there’s a 2:1 ratio and one parent can relax. I think PPs are projecting what they think only children are like based on their experiences of kids with siblings, but my only child mom friends and I text about being bored and having hobbies. Don’t think you’ll be doing that in another 3 years if you have a second.

Not to be contrary but the moms with only children I know are desperate to find things for their kid to do during Covid. There’s no playmate at home and the parents are stuck playing games, entertaining. Even in the beforetimes, those parents were always reaching out for okay dates while those of us with 2-4 kids had jam packed weekends.

Not true in my case—my kid has been 8 and now 9 during the pandemic and we haven’t struggled at all for things to do with her. She plays independently, or plays with our big dog. She’s had a couple of masked, outdoor bike rides with one friend recently, and does a masked sport. I actually feel sorry for the my friends who have 3 young kids, as I can imagine it’s tough. Ours says she finds it cozy at home during the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:On one hand, I applaud you knowing your limits. On the other hand, is that really what you want to be left with at the end of your life - you could've had another child, but you chose netflix and takeout and general laziness? The intense stage is so short.

I find when people react this rudely against other people's choices, it's because they are feeling insecure about their own life choices.

Agreed. Or, you know, I'm choosing my mental and physical health over having a second kid.

I didn't mean to be rude! Or, I didn't put much thought into it, because this is dcum? Anyway, I'm just saying, people put energy into all kinds of things that are important to them. I'm really asking, at the end of your life, are you going to be happier you have a second child, or that you go to sit on the couch and watch netflix with takeout for a few extra years? OP said she was low energy, not depressed/mentally ill.

Me again. I actually just re-read OP's post. I was focusing on the "netflix and takeout" part and less on the "my husband is going to be away all week part." Yea, OP, having to be a solo parent to an infant and toddler the entire week IS hard, "low energy" or not. If that's your situation, and there's nothing changing it, then yes I would definitely consider not having a second child.

Pro tip: if you call a person "lazy" you are being rude. I know, anonymous online comments feel harmless but there are real people reading this and looking for advice. And yes, you still sound insecure.

Ugh, I shouldn't follow up on this, but I'm bored. What about my post sounds insecure...? Some things are hard but worth it. Forgoing some netflix and takeout for a few years? I think that's worth it. That's my advice. Having to solo parent two children indefinitely? Probably not worth it, to me, but others could disagree and think that effort is also worth it. I think maybe you're insecure if you're that upset about it? And I dunno, I'm sorry, I don't find "lazy" that bad of a word. I call myself lazy all the time. Especially while watching netflix and eating takeout.

I can't even lol

It sounds like you are really into netflix and takeout. More power to you.

Np here. You're deliberately being obtuse. Not a good look. No one should ever be criticized for their decision to not have more kids or have kids at all.

I doubt PP calls her friends "lazy" to their faces, because if she did, they'd think she's a jerk. But since it's online it's okay to be an a-hole? If her "concern" for OP is that she'll get bored, I assure her that there are other ways to occupy ones 's time besides raising children. Or should empty nesters all become foster parents lest they Netflix too much? JFC.

+1
And she doesn’t sound bright. Insulting someone and then doubling down? Definitely insecure.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:On one hand, I applaud you knowing your limits. On the other hand, is that really what you want to be left with at the end of your life - you could've had another child, but you chose netflix and takeout and general laziness? The intense stage is so short.

I find when people react this rudely against other people's choices, it's because they are feeling insecure about their own life choices.

Agreed. Or, you know, I'm choosing my mental and physical health over having a second kid.

I didn't mean to be rude! Or, I didn't put much thought into it, because this is dcum? Anyway, I'm just saying, people put energy into all kinds of things that are important to them. I'm really asking, at the end of your life, are you going to be happier you have a second child, or that you go to sit on the couch and watch netflix with takeout for a few extra years? OP said she was low energy, not depressed/mentally ill.

Me again. I actually just re-read OP's post. I was focusing on the "netflix and takeout" part and less on the "my husband is going to be away all week part." Yea, OP, having to be a solo parent to an infant and toddler the entire week IS hard, "low energy" or not. If that's your situation, and there's nothing changing it, then yes I would definitely consider not having a second child.

Pro tip: if you call a person "lazy" you are being rude. I know, anonymous online comments feel harmless but there are real people reading this and looking for advice. And yes, you still sound insecure.

Ugh, I shouldn't follow up on this, but I'm bored. What about my post sounds insecure...? Some things are hard but worth it. Forgoing some netflix and takeout for a few years? I think that's worth it. That's my advice. Having to solo parent two children indefinitely? Probably not worth it, to me, but others could disagree and think that effort is also worth it. I think maybe you're insecure if you're that upset about it? And I dunno, I'm sorry, I don't find "lazy" that bad of a word. I call myself lazy all the time. Especially while watching netflix and eating takeout.

I can't even lol

It sounds like you are really into netflix and takeout. More power to you.

Np here. You're deliberately being obtuse. Not a good look. No one should ever be criticized for their decision to not have more kids or have kids at all.

I doubt PP calls her friends "lazy" to their faces, because if she did, they'd think she's a jerk. But since it's online it's okay to be an a-hole? If her "concern" for OP is that she'll get bored, I assure her that there are other ways to occupy ones 's time besides raising children. Or should empty nesters all become foster parents lest they Netflix too much? JFC.

+1
And she doesn’t sound bright. Insulting someone and then doubling down? Definitely insecure.

I just can't imagine being this invested in whether other people have kids. Why is it any skin off your nose that you feel the need to insult people?

[Anonymous]

I'm entirely supportive of people having the number of kids that feels right for your lifestyle. If you guys are low energy and like the groove you have, stick with it. My 2yo and 4yo are starting to play really well together and can entertain each other for stretches, but there's also a lot of intervention involved. Follow your heart in terms of what you feel most comfortable with, rather than what you think you should do based on other ppls (or your own) expectations. We just did this when it came to a third. I love the idea. But thinking of the reality stressed me out so we are done with our two.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:On one hand, I applaud you knowing your limits. On the other hand, is that really what you want to be left with at the end of your life - you could've had another child, but you chose netflix and takeout and general laziness? The intense stage is so short.

I find when people react this rudely against other people's choices, it's because they are feeling insecure about their own life choices.

Agreed. Or, you know, I'm choosing my mental and physical health over having a second kid.

I didn't mean to be rude! Or, I didn't put much thought into it, because this is dcum? Anyway, I'm just saying, people put energy into all kinds of things that are important to them. I'm really asking, at the end of your life, are you going to be happier you have a second child, or that you go to sit on the couch and watch netflix with takeout for a few extra years? OP said she was low energy, not depressed/mentally ill.

Me again. I actually just re-read OP's post. I was focusing on the "netflix and takeout" part and less on the "my husband is going to be away all week part." Yea, OP, having to be a solo parent to an infant and toddler the entire week IS hard, "low energy" or not. If that's your situation, and there's nothing changing it, then yes I would definitely consider not having a second child.

Pro tip: if you call a person "lazy" you are being rude. I know, anonymous online comments feel harmless but there are real people reading this and looking for advice. And yes, you still sound insecure.

Ugh, I shouldn't follow up on this, but I'm bored. What about my post sounds insecure...? Some things are hard but worth it. Forgoing some netflix and takeout for a few years? I think that's worth it. That's my advice. Having to solo parent two children indefinitely? Probably not worth it, to me, but others could disagree and think that effort is also worth it. I think maybe you're insecure if you're that upset about it? And I dunno, I'm sorry, I don't find "lazy" that bad of a word. I call myself lazy all the time. Especially while watching netflix and eating takeout.

I can't even lol

It sounds like you are really into netflix and takeout. More power to you.

Np here. You're deliberately being obtuse. Not a good look. No one should ever be criticized for their decision to not have more kids or have kids at all.

I doubt PP calls her friends "lazy" to their faces, because if she did, they'd think she's a jerk. But since it's online it's okay to be an a-hole? If her "concern" for OP is that she'll get bored, I assure her that there are other ways to occupy ones 's time besides raising children. Or should empty nesters all become foster parents lest they Netflix too much? JFC.

+1
And she doesn’t sound bright. Insulting someone and then doubling down? Definitely insecure.

I just can't imagine being this invested in whether other people have kids. Why is it any skin off your nose that you feel the need to insult people?

Me again! Omg, I don't care whether she has kids or not. Look, let me rephrase: "OP, if you REALLY want a second child, but you're afraid that you won't be able to handle it because you're 'low energy,' don't be afraid - you can do it. (Unless by low-energy you really mean clinically depressed/chronic fatigue, etc.). I myself am a low energy homebody!! And I have 2 kids! Yes, it gets hard, but what I tell myself when it gets hard is, at the end of my life I will be happier with my 2 kids vs. a few extra years of couch time. That is truly what I tell myself and it makes me feel better, so maybe it will work for you. On the other hand, if your real concern isn't so much leisure time as it is the burden of solo parenting all week, then yes, that does sound very difficult and possibly cause to not have a second child. I know that I would never be happy in that situation." IS THAT BETTER FOR EVERYBODY?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say that DH and I are low-energy, but like OP and partner, we're homebodies. We also like order and routine and are basically introverts who can fake extroversion when we need to though we'd rather not. So, I think I get where you're coming from, OP.

Due to secondary infertility, our kids are 6 years apart in age. When our second arrived, it was a shock to the family system. She's super-high- energy and extroverted. As a result, we had to re-invent ourselves as a family -- not consciously, but as a means of survival. We became more active and outgoing. Both of the kids are athletic, so we became "team parents". We all learned to ski (well, I learned to apres-ski). We learned to tolerate -- and even enjoy -- a little more chaos and noise than we were used to before. DH and I realized that as parents we can only ride the wave, not fight it. It was hard sometimes, but we survived.

Now the kids are 26 and 20; the oldest has been home for most of the past year, but the youngest, a college sophomore, was able to go back to campus in the fall and has returned there now. The kids are close -- not in age -- but as friends and supporters of each other, and DH and I are immensely proud of them. We have the usual worries and annoyances that most families do, but we also have a lot of fun together as a family. The fun is due in no small part to that high-energy baby who added a real spark to our lives.

OP, I can't tell you whether this is right for you and your family, but I can say that after the bumpy start, we've had a very nice ride.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:On one hand, I applaud you knowing your limits. On the other hand, is that really what you want to be left with at the end of your life - you could've had another child, but you chose netflix and takeout and general laziness? The intense stage is so short.

I find when people react this rudely against other people's choices, it's because they are feeling insecure about their own life choices.

Agreed. Or, you know, I'm choosing my mental and physical health over having a second kid.

I didn't mean to be rude! Or, I didn't put much thought into it, because this is dcum? Anyway, I'm just saying, people put energy into all kinds of things that are important to them. I'm really asking, at the end of your life, are you going to be happier you have a second child, or that you go to sit on the couch and watch netflix with takeout for a few extra years? OP said she was low energy, not depressed/mentally ill.

Me again. I actually just re-read OP's post. I was focusing on the "netflix and takeout" part and less on the "my husband is going to be away all week part." Yea, OP, having to be a solo parent to an infant and toddler the entire week IS hard, "low energy" or not. If that's your situation, and there's nothing changing it, then yes I would definitely consider not having a second child.

Pro tip: if you call a person "lazy" you are being rude. I know, anonymous online comments feel harmless but there are real people reading this and looking for advice. And yes, you still sound insecure.

Ugh, I shouldn't follow up on this, but I'm bored. What about my post sounds insecure...? Some things are hard but worth it. Forgoing some netflix and takeout for a few years? I think that's worth it. That's my advice. Having to solo parent two children indefinitely? Probably not worth it, to me, but others could disagree and think that effort is also worth it. I think maybe you're insecure if you're that upset about it? And I dunno, I'm sorry, I don't find "lazy" that bad of a word. I call myself lazy all the time. Especially while watching netflix and eating takeout.

I can't even lol

It sounds like you are really into netflix and takeout. More power to you.

Np here. You're deliberately being obtuse. Not a good look. No one should ever be criticized for their decision to not have more kids or have kids at all.

I doubt PP calls her friends "lazy" to their faces, because if she did, they'd think she's a jerk. But since it's online it's okay to be an a-hole? If her "concern" for OP is that she'll get bored, I assure her that there are other ways to occupy ones 's time besides raising children. Or should empty nesters all become foster parents lest they Netflix too much? JFC.

+1
And she doesn’t sound bright. Insulting someone and then doubling down? Definitely insecure.

I just can't imagine being this invested in whether other people have kids. Why is it any skin off your nose that you feel the need to insult people?

Me again! Omg, I don't care whether she has kids or not. Look, let me rephrase: "OP, if you REALLY want a second child, but you're afraid that you won't be able to handle it because you're 'low energy,' don't be afraid - you can do it. (Unless by low-energy you really mean clinically depressed/chronic fatigue, etc.). I myself am a low energy homebody!! And I have 2 kids! Yes, it gets hard, but what I tell myself when it gets hard is, at the end of my life I will be happier with my 2 kids vs. a few extra years of couch time. That is truly what I tell myself and it makes me feel better, so maybe it will work for you. On the other hand, if your real concern isn't so much leisure time as it is the burden of solo parenting all week, then yes, that does sound very difficult and possibly cause to not have a second child. I know that I would never be happy in that situation." IS THAT BETTER FOR EVERYBODY?

So basically you are here to justify your own choices. Thanks for clarifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On one hand, I applaud you knowing your limits. On the other hand, is that really what you want to be left with at the end of your life - you could've had another child, but you chose netflix and takeout and general laziness? The intense stage is so short.

I find when people react this rudely against other people's choices, it's because they are feeling insecure about their own life choices.

Agreed. Or, you know, I'm choosing my mental and physical health over having a second kid.

I didn't mean to be rude! Or, I didn't put much thought into it, because this is dcum? Anyway, I'm just saying, people put energy into all kinds of things that are important to them. I'm really asking, at the end of your life, are you going to be happier you have a second child, or that you go to sit on the couch and watch netflix with takeout for a few extra years? OP said she was low energy, not depressed/mentally ill.

Me again. I actually just re-read OP's post. I was focusing on the "netflix and takeout" part and less on the "my husband is going to be away all week part." Yea, OP, having to be a solo parent to an infant and toddler the entire week IS hard, "low energy" or not. If that's your situation, and there's nothing changing it, then yes I would definitely consider not having a second child.

Pro tip: if you call a person "lazy" you are being rude. I know, anonymous online comments feel harmless but there are real people reading this and looking for advice. And yes, you still sound insecure.

Ugh, I shouldn't follow up on this, but I'm bored. What about my post sounds insecure...? Some things are hard but worth it. Forgoing some netflix and takeout for a few years? I think that's worth it. That's my advice. Having to solo parent two children indefinitely? Probably not worth it, to me, but others could disagree and think that effort is also worth it. I think maybe you're insecure if you're that upset about it? And I dunno, I'm sorry, I don't find "lazy" that bad of a word. I call myself lazy all the time. Especially while watching netflix and eating takeout.

I can't even lol

It sounds like you are really into netflix and takeout. More power to you.

Np here. You're deliberately being obtuse. Not a good look. No one should ever be criticized for their decision to not have more kids or have kids at all.

I doubt PP calls her friends "lazy" to their faces, because if she did, they'd think she's a jerk. But since it's online it's okay to be an a-hole? If her "concern" for OP is that she'll get bored, I assure her that there are other ways to occupy ones 's time besides raising children. Or should empty nesters all become foster parents lest they Netflix too much? JFC.

+1
And she doesn’t sound bright. Insulting someone and then doubling down? Definitely insecure.

I just can't imagine being this invested in whether other people have kids. Why is it any skin off your nose that you feel the need to insult people?

Me again! Omg, I don't care whether she has kids or not. Look, let me rephrase: "OP, if you REALLY want a second child, but you're afraid that you won't be able to handle it because you're 'low energy,' don't be afraid - you can do it. (Unless by low-energy you really mean clinically depressed/chronic fatigue, etc.). I myself am a low energy homebody!! And I have 2 kids! Yes, it gets hard, but what I tell myself when it gets hard is, at the end of my life I will be happier with my 2 kids vs. a few extra years of couch time. That is truly what I tell myself and it makes me feel better, so maybe it will work for you. On the other hand, if your real concern isn't so much leisure time as it is the burden of solo parenting all week, then yes, that does sound very difficult and possibly cause to not have a second child. I know that I would never be happy in that situation." IS THAT BETTER FOR EVERYBODY?

"Hmmm... what's the best way out of this hole I got myself in? I'll just keep digging!"

[Anonymous]

No

-Survivor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No

-Survivor

Same poster. FTR, I’m the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 5 year old only child and she’s so self sufficient and we have tons of free time. A big part is that there are two parents, so even if one child needs more attention, there’s a 2:1 ratio and one parent can relax. I think PPs are projecting what they think only children are like based on their experiences of kids with siblings, but my only child mom friends and I text about being bored and having hobbies. Don’t think you’ll be doing that in another 3 years if you have a second.

Not to be contrary but the moms with only children I know are desperate to find things for their kid to do during Covid. There’s no playmate at home and the parents are stuck playing games, entertaining. Even in the beforetimes, those parents were always reaching out for okay dates while those of us with 2-4 kids had jam packed weekends.

Not true in my case—my kid has been 8 and now 9 during the pandemic and we haven’t struggled at all for things to do with her. She plays independently, or plays with our big dog. She’s had a couple of masked, outdoor bike rides with one friend recently, and does a masked sport. I actually feel sorry for the my friends who have 3 young kids, as I can imagine it’s tough. Ours says she finds it cozy at home during the pandemic.

Same here, with an 11 year old homebody. The parents of multiple kids I know are struggling hard to balance everyone’s needs. We’re embarrassingly comfortable and happy with the three of us. Lots of movie nights, cuddles, games, reading, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate all of these responses - even the “lazy” comment, which I took no offense to! And she brings up a good point - it’s such a short period of time (the really tough young years) in the grand scheme of things.

I remain conflicted. In my heart, I feel like I owe it to my son to try to give him a sibling - to potentially have that lifelong bond, and playmate in the young years. I personally have such great memories with my siblings. At the same time, I really value our trio and think of all the amazing experiences we’d be able to provide since he’s and only. At this time I think I’m going to do another round of IVF, hopefully bank some more genetically embryos, and hold off on a transfer and subsequent pregnancy until I know I’m really ready for it - even if that means I’m in my 40s when I have my second or when I decide I’m okay with my only. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but I think I’ll feel better knowing that at least I have the option.

Thank you for all of these responses. I appreciate the brutal honesty about how hard and wonderful it can be. Now I’m going to go and read a book I found called “I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting.” I found it when I did a search for “having a second pure hell?” If and when I ever decide to have a second I’ll try to remember to update this post.

Additional comments and experiences are welcome. Thank you, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, while I love my brother, I've had to deal with his bipolar disorder nearly my entire life. A brother can be a friend and companion, but the reality is I spent a lot of my childhood trying to avoid triggering his rages.

I guess you could argue without me (the younger sibling) he'd be a lot worse off as I have dropped everything to help him out multiple times.

But siblings aren't always a fun playmate or partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, while I love my brother, I've had to deal with his bipolar disorder nearly my entire life. A brother can be a friend and companion, but the reality is I spent a lot of my childhood trying to avoid triggering his rages.

I guess you could argue without me (the younger sibling) he'd be a lot worse off as I have dropped everything to help him out multiple times.

But siblings aren't always a fun playmate or partner.

OP here, thank you for sharing. Bi-polar also runs in my family on both sides (an aunt and uncle). You are a really good sibling and he’s lucky to have you!