Is this gaslighting? And why does he do it?

[Anonymous]

This will sound petty, but it's one example of many. I ordered Cava for my husband and me. He texted me the order, I placed it and picked everything up. When I got home, he took out the three dressings on the side and said, oh so this one is mine? I reminded him that he didn't order dressing, but I ordered three on the side, so he could certainly have one. I told him I wanted to yogurt dill. He said, "that isn't dressing,' it's dip. They give that to you for the pita." I said, "well, they call it dressing, and I know because I placed the order and ordered it for my bowl." He then went on to inisist many times that it's "dip" and that we always get that automatically because it's for dipping the pita. I mean, over and over again. He has literally never placed an order at Cava (which, by the way, he pronounces with a short a and we all know he does that on purpose to annoy us, too). His bizarre insistence reached such comical heights that my 17-year-old son got pretty frustrated and told him he thinks he's crazy. It was as if he was trying to convince me of something that he knew (and I knew) just wasn't true. He does things like this more and more frequently. What is this? Is it NPD? I cannot figure out this strange behavior and I really don't like it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry your life is too boring to contemplate. Next!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will sound petty, but it's one example of many. I ordered Cava for my husband and me. He texted me the order, I placed it and picked everything up. When I got home, he took out the three dressings on the side and said, oh so this one is mine? I reminded him that he didn't order dressing, but I ordered three on the side, so he could certainly have one. I told him I wanted to yogurt dill. He said, "that isn't dressing,' it's dip. They give that to you for the pita." I said, "well, they call it dressing, and I know because I placed the order and ordered it for my bowl." He then went on to inisist many times that it's "dip" and that we always get that automatically because it's for dipping the pita. I mean, over and over again. He has literally never placed an order at Cava (which, by the way, he pronounces with a short a and we all know he does that on purpose to annoy us, too). His bizarre insistence reached such comical heights that my 17-year-old son got pretty frustrated and told him he thinks he's crazy. It was as if he was trying to convince me of something that he knew (and I knew) just wasn't true. He does things like this more and more frequently. What is this? Is it NPD? I cannot figure out this strange behavior and I really don't like it.

Thinking that line set him off.

[Anonymous]

How do you pronounce Cava?!

[Anonymous]

Instead of asking your DH why he does it, you go to an anonymous forum to ask why your husband does whatever he does. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Wait. How is Cava pronounced?

[Anonymous]

This is fake

[Anonymous]

This behavior is not so much gaslighting (which is a manipulation and blame tactic that forces you to question your past acts and beliefs), as perseverance (harping on something for longer than is appropriate). Perseverance appears in ADHD and autism diagnoses.

I too pronounce Cava with a short "a" sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. How is Cava pronounced?

It's a short a. I know several of the owners personally. OP is delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will sound petty, but it's one example of many. I ordered Cava for my husband and me. He texted me the order, I placed it and picked everything up. When I got home, he took out the three dressings on the side and said, oh so this one is mine? I reminded him that he didn't order dressing, but I ordered three on the side, so he could certainly have one. I told him I wanted to yogurt dill. He said, "that isn't dressing,' it's dip. They give that to you for the pita." I said, "well, they call it dressing, and I know because I placed the order and ordered it for my bowl." He then went on to inisist many times that it's "dip" and that we always get that automatically because it's for dipping the pita. I mean, over and over again. He has literally never placed an order at Cava (which, by the way, he pronounces with a short a and we all know he does that on purpose to annoy us, too). His bizarre insistence reached such comical heights that my 17-year-old son got pretty frustrated and told him he thinks he's crazy. It was as if he was trying to convince me of something that he knew (and I knew) just wasn't true. He does things like this more and more frequently. What is this? Is it NPD? I cannot figure out this strange behavior and I really don't like it.

It’s not gaslighting. It’s certainly not NPD. It’s run-of-the-mill stubbornness.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so it's with a short a, like have? Not kaa-va?

[Anonymous]

Find a hobby or learn a new skill I hear knitting and breadmaking are fun.

Or maybe just pop on Apple TV and watch the Peanuts and CTFO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This behavior is not so much gaslighting (which is a manipulation and blame tactic that forces you to question your past acts and beliefs), as perseverance (harping on something for longer than is appropriate). Perseverance appears in ADHD and autism diagnoses.

I too pronounce Cava with a short "a" sounds.

This sounds right, thank you. I do believe he was diagnosed with autism as a child, based on some conversations with his parents, though nobody will really come out and say it. I do know he was in therapy for years as a child and certainly learned many tools to cope and behave as a functioning, and in fact, successful and engaging person. But once he encountered some road bumps, including an utter inability to be able to be supervised in a workplace, and death of newborns, many of these weird personanlity traits surfaced. He hasn't worked in 7 years and we live almost entirely off of my salary, while he sits on a trust fund. He is quite obsessed with our next door neighbor and everying he is doing, nearly to the level of what I would call paranoia. I knew my description would come across as petty, but I think you have to be on the receiving end of this behavior day in and day out to understand just how strange it is. It is very demeaning.

[Anonymous]

This is not gaslighting. He is pedantic and somewhat stubborn, which I know because my husband is the same way. However, it rarely upsets me (he's always been this way). Occasionally I get exasperated, especially if he's just in a mood and is nitpicking everything. But in those situations, I just give him a very specific look and he says, "Am I being pedantic again?" and I say "Yes!" and we both laugh because we've been married a long time this is just how we are.

I recommend finding some humor in these interactions and learning to let each other know when your little annoyances (we all have them) are crossing a line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so it's with a short a, like have? Not kaa-va?

Can we please can an answer to this?? This really IS the most important question of the thread.