Is this gaslighting? And why does he do it?

[Anonymous]

Also, what is a cava? Is it a geographical place like in Europe? A vegetable? Is it someone’s name? Is it a relative of a fava bean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand what the alternate pronunciation is for Cava?

Cah-vah versus ca-vah (where it sounds like the “ca” in “cab”, or in “cavern”).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
This behavior is not so much gaslighting (which is a manipulation and blame tactic that forces you to question your past acts and beliefs), as perseverance (harping on something for longer than is appropriate). Perseverance appears in ADHD and autism diagnoses.

I too pronounce Cava with a short "a" sounds.

This sounds right, thank you. I do believe he was diagnosed with autism as a child, based on some conversations with his parents, though nobody will really come out and say it. I do know he was in therapy for years as a child and certainly learned many tools to cope and behave as a functioning, and in fact, successful and engaging person. But once he encountered some road bumps, including an utter inability to be able to be supervised in a workplace, and death of newborns, many of these weird personanlity traits surfaced. He hasn't worked in 7 years and we live almost entirely off of my salary, while he sits on a trust fund. He is quite obsessed with our next door neighbor and everying he is doing, nearly to the level of what I would call paranoia. I knew my description would come across as petty, but I think you have to be on the receiving end of this behavior day in and day out to understand just how strange it is. It is very demeaning.

PP you replied to. I’m sorry, OP. You need to talk to him about all these behaviors, and put them in context for him with his earlier diagnosis and therapy. It would be great if he could restart some behavioral therapy with someone specialized in high-functioning autism.

The work thing isn’t dire if both your incomes can sustain your lifestyle long term. Plenty of people with disabilities don’t do well in the workforce, and if they’re lucky enough to not need to work, maybe it’s best if they don’t...

This is a major thing, deaths of multiple newborns? I'm assuming they were your own children together? I'm sorry, OP. Have you tried therapy?

This stuck out to me too. OP, I’m so sorry if this is true, and if so there is way more to your marriage than just frustration over lunch.

I assumed she meant his stubbornness at work led to the death of two newborns, and thus he was fired. IF they lost their own children of course there would be stres in the marriage and much bigger issues than how a restaurant and is pronounced and dip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the same.
I believe he is an aspie. Mine is also abusive and narcissistic and wow I probably have had the same thing happen 100 times.
Don’t engage. They will pummel you verbally to be right. It’s not worth it

Same here, and they’re rarely right.

Wish I knew what planet my spouse was on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not gaslighting. He is pedantic and somewhat stubborn, which I know because my husband is the same way. However, it rarely upsets me (he's always been this way). Occasionally I get exasperated, especially if he's just in a mood and is nitpicking everything. But in those situations, I just give him a very specific look and he says, "Am I being pedantic again?" and I say "Yes!" and we both laugh because we've been married a long time this is just how we are.

I recommend finding some humor in these interactions and learning to let each other know when your little annoyances (we all have them) are crossing a line.

I have been married to him for 21 years. He has never, ever, in all that time, admitted to a single flaw or mistake. He points out mine though. In fact, he gets quite angry when I'm wrong about the stupidest things (he became quietly enraged last week when I said I didn't think the space heater in the basement had a remote control--I had never laid eyes on it, how was I to know?).

Severe depression or a form of repressed trauma and growing hostility from you.

He hasn’t worked in 7rs
He has been unable to respond to authorship email guidance
It weighs heavily on him if he lost children due to work or home inadequacy
It sounds like misplaced anger that is growing.

He needs help. Especially while locked down at home. It is exasperating everything.
If he sits on a trust fund he may have felt a stronger need to prove his value/worth/intelligence
Amd he is getting old. Old habits die hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Find a hobby or learn a new skill I hear knitting and breadmaking are fun.

Or maybe just pop on Apple TV and watch the Peanuts and CTFO!

Oh, I do not need a hobby. Trust me. I am raising two teenagers with this unemployed weirdo while working full-time. Plenty busy. Thanks though for the thoughtful advice.

Kids aren't a hobby. You need a hobby and possibly therapy.

Point being, no time for a hobby. I'm extremely busy.

You're not "raising" two teens. You were raising them til they became teens, now they are independent unless you're milk sopping them.

[Anonymous]

My sister's husband is just like this - and I can't stand to be around him at all. She doesn't seem to mind it, oddly. But to me, its a control issue. He also went through long periods unemployed and would get super mad at small things. It's somewhat better now that he has a job. Why do you let your husband remain unemployed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This is not gaslighting. He is pedantic and somewhat stubborn, which I know because my husband is the same way. However, it rarely upsets me (he's always been this way). Occasionally I get exasperated, especially if he's just in a mood and is nitpicking everything. But in those situations, I just give him a very specific look and he says, "Am I being pedantic again?" and I say "Yes!" and we both laugh because we've been married a long time this is just how we are.

I recommend finding some humor in these interactions and learning to let each other know when your little annoyances (we all have them) are crossing a line.


I have been married to him for 21 years. He has never, ever, in all that time, admitted to a single flaw or mistake. He points out mine though. In fact, he gets quite angry when I'm wrong about the stupidest things (he became quietly enraged last week when I said I didn't think the space heater in the basement had a remote control--I had never laid eyes on it, how was I to know?).


Severe depression or a form of repressed trauma and growing hostility from you.

He hasn’t worked in 7rs
He has been unable to respond to authorship email guidance
It weighs heavily on him if he lost children due to work or home inadequacy
It sounds like misplaced anger that is growing.

He needs help. Especially while locked down at home. It is exasperating everything.
If he sits on a trust fund he may have felt a stronger need to prove his value/worth/intelligence
Amd he is getting old. Old habits die hard.

OP, i kind of feel like you buried the lede. You are worried about his argumentative nature as gaslighitng and are equally focused on being 'right' (which is a dynamic that takes two) but the bigger issue is that your husband is depressed, unemployed, sitting on a trust fund he wont touch...and you mentioned loss of newborn? (?)).

If he is gaslighting ,it's likely part of a larger defensive mechanism to block out painful things and a manifestation of his depression.

It seems like either he gets some serious help or, if he is unable or unwilling to do this, you decide whether you want to live this way/with him or not. But engaging in low level verbal sparring is not going to achieve anything.



related: my husband, when stressed out, gets stupidly argumentative over little things. I've learned to internally roll my eyes and let it go (unless it involves some issue with real consequence). its annoying and if I'm feeling frustrated I will fight back and then we get into these incredibly stupid and petty arguments over stuff like this. DH will INSIST that he's right even if he's not (although the invention of google has changed his insistence). But, I would say, that this happens only occasionally and its when we are going through a stressful time. It would be hard to be around someone like this all the time, but recognize that underneath there is something deeply scary and painful that your DH is trying to avoid by constructing a world in which he is right (and powerful, and a provider and worthy) and you are not. While it may seem like his unemployment and refusal to use the trust fund comes from stubborness, I am guessing in fact that these things are deeply shameful and internal his sense of self is weak, so he builds it up by constructing a world in which he is "right.' The anger is fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.

So, the short a sound, which my husband uses to say Cava sounds like the a in "have." The a in Cava, should be pronounced "ah" or "aa." As you correctly pointed out, though you don't understand what a short a is. And actually at Cava, they have a tzatziki (check you spelling)--which they describe as a dip or a spread, and they have a yogurt dill dressing--which was the product called into question last night. And we are definitely not made for each other, hence my posting here when I do in fact need to be working.

Jesus Christ this paragraph makes me want to put a bullet in my head. Are you like this in real life?!

That “check you spelling” has to be eating you ALIVE inside!!

Well, I was just pretty annoyed at the poster who was missing the point of what happened and calling me pedantic because she thought the argument was over the name of the sauce. Perhaps it was my fault because I didn't tell the story clearly. I am far from pedantic. I don't possess enough knowledge of anything to be pedantic. And I really wouldn't know the difference between tzatziki and yogurt dill sauce. But she was being a jerk, so I jabbed back. Sorry.

It's totally not gaslighting, your husband has some kind of problem, be it ASD or something else--given not being able to function in the workplace, duh. So to start with, why bother arguing with him about trivia? And what about the not working, the general functional issues? What does he do with his time? Do you want to stay married? If so, what can you do about steering him to some therapy? Have you ever asked HIM what his dx was as a kid and what the therapy he had then was all about? Seven years and you're arguing about a dressing/dip/sauce? Blows my mind.

[Anonymous]

I googled the aa sound and found a youtube video series for people learning English pronunciation. "aa" is like the a in bat.
What I was taught is a short a.

[Anonymous]

Cava doesn't rhyme with lava?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cava doesn't rhyme with lava?

This thread is starting to remind me of when I first watched an episode of Degrassi Junior High, or whatever that show was called, and all the (Canadian?) actors called drama (as in school theater productions) "dram-ah," with the first syllable rhyming with graham like graham cracker. Bothered the shit out of me and I had to stop watching.

Oh, and OP, I can relate and you have my sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cava doesn't rhyme with lava?

It does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of my husband's other mispronunciations: Home Depot (with a short e, like memo or temp), Salmon, with a short a (like his Cava pronunciation) and a very strong L sound. My DD has a friend whose not super common name has an I in it, think something along the lines of Lina. He pronounces that with a long I, like line-a. And by the way, he's only ever heard her name said out loud--never seen the spelling. He's been corrected many many times, and yet, he still calls her, Line-a. Tell me, could you live with these day in and day out? They're constant, and not cute.

Nina? Some people say Nine-ah, some say Nee-nah. Some people just say it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cava doesn't rhyme with lava?

It does.

Isn't that the short a sound? I'm now questioning my English abilities.