Is this gaslighting? And why does he do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.

So, the short a sound, which my husband uses to say Cava sounds like the a in "have." The a in Cava, should be pronounced "ah" or "aa." As you correctly pointed out, though you don't understand what a short a is. And actually at Cava, they have a tzatziki (check you spelling)--which they describe as a dip or a spread, and they have a yogurt dill dressing--which was the product called into question last night. And we are definitely not made for each other, hence my posting here when I do in fact need to be working.

NP here. you are definitely made for each other, a match made in pedantic heaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.

NP. Lol I can’t even believe I’m engaging in this debate because OP shouldn’t be having such dumb fights with her husband. But, the yogurt dill to which OP refers is yes, a dressing. Cava has a separate tzatziki which is a thicker consistency and they classify as a “dip” on their own menu. OP is right in the context of Cava, but again it’s a stupid debate. If my husband pulled this I would just say okay honey, know I’m right, and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Some of my husband's other mispronunciations: Home Depot (with a short e, like memo or temp), Salmon, with a short a (like his Cava pronunciation) and a very strong L sound. My DD has a friend whose not super common name has an I in it, think something along the lines of Lina. He pronounces that with a long I, like line-a. And by the way, he's only ever heard her name said out loud--never seen the spelling. He's been corrected many many times, and yet, he still calls her, Line-a. Tell me, could you live with these day in and day out? They're constant, and not cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.

NP. Lol I can’t even believe I’m engaging in this debate because OP shouldn’t be having such dumb fights with her husband. But, the yogurt dill to which OP refers is yes, a dressing. Cava has a separate tzatziki which is a thicker consistency and they classify as a “dip” on their own menu. OP is right in the context of Cava, but again it’s a stupid debate. If my husband pulled this I would just say okay honey, know I’m right, and change the subject.

This. If this is the sort of thing my husband and I fought about or I got mad enough to post online about, we'd be done. Life is too short for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This behavior is not so much gaslighting (which is a manipulation and blame tactic that forces you to question your past acts and beliefs), as perseverance (harping on something for longer than is appropriate). Perseverance appears in ADHD and autism diagnoses.

I too pronounce Cava with a short "a" sounds.

This sounds right, thank you. I do believe he was diagnosed with autism as a child, based on some conversations with his parents, though nobody will really come out and say it. I do know he was in therapy for years as a child and certainly learned many tools to cope and behave as a functioning, and in fact, successful and engaging person. But once he encountered some road bumps, including an utter inability to be able to be supervised in a workplace, and death of newborns, many of these weird personanlity traits surfaced. He hasn't worked in 7 years and we live almost entirely off of my salary, while he sits on a trust fund. He is quite obsessed with our next door neighbor and everying he is doing, nearly to the level of what I would call paranoia. I knew my description would come across as petty, but I think you have to be on the receiving end of this behavior day in and day out to understand just how strange it is. It is very demeaning.

PP you replied to. I’m sorry, OP. You need to talk to him about all these behaviors, and put them in context for him with his earlier diagnosis and therapy. It would be great if he could restart some behavioral therapy with someone specialized in high-functioning autism.

The work thing isn’t dire if both your incomes can sustain your lifestyle long term. Plenty of people with disabilities don’t do well in the workforce, and if they’re lucky enough to not need to work, maybe it’s best if they don’t...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of my husband's other mispronunciations: Home Depot (with a short e, like memo or temp), Salmon, with a short a (like his Cava pronunciation) and a very strong L sound. My DD has a friend whose not super common name has an I in it, think something along the lines of Lina. He pronounces that with a long I, like line-a. And by the way, he's only ever heard her name said out loud--never seen the spelling. He's been corrected many many times, and yet, he still calls her, Line-a. Tell me, could you live with these day in and day out? They're constant, and not cute.

Like Salman Rushdie? Heh heh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of my husband's other mispronunciations: Home Depot (with a short e, like memo or temp), Salmon, with a short a (like his Cava pronunciation) and a very strong L sound. My DD has a friend whose not super common name has an I in it, think something along the lines of Lina. He pronounces that with a long I, like line-a. And by the way, he's only ever heard her name said out loud--never seen the spelling. He's been corrected many many times, and yet, he still calls her, Line-a. Tell me, could you live with these day in and day out? They're constant, and not cute.

Try not to worry about that sort of thing, OP. Some of his “mispronunciations” are actually correct, and the others are no big deal.

Your husband has bigger fish to fry.

[Anonymous]

If this was once in awhile I’d say he just needs attention.

Since it’s a pattern I’d say he is pretty belligerent, stubborn and argumentative. Find out what the root cause is - his work, some other stressor, a learning disability he is trying to hide, etc.

[Anonymous]

Dementia? Just say, "oh right of course". and be done.

[Anonymous]

He's depressed or a jerk who has to criticize and harp to feel good about himself. It's something I see a lot here. I have to remind dh not to do this with coworkers and mentees.

Just say "ok dear" and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.

So, the short a sound, which my husband uses to say Cava sounds like the a in "have." The a in Cava, should be pronounced "ah" or "aa." As you correctly pointed out, though you don't understand what a short a is. And actually at Cava, they have a tzatziki (check you spelling)--which they describe as a dip or a spread, and they have a yogurt dill dressing--which was the product called into question last night. And we are definitely not made for each other, hence my posting here when I do in fact need to be working.

Jesus Christ this paragraph makes me want to put a bullet in my head. Are you like this in real life?!

That “check you spelling” has to be eating you ALIVE inside!!

[Anonymous]

If your family fights over food, then you need an intervention.

The appropriate response to your situation is this:

“I ordered it for myself, but I’m happy to share. Next time let’s be sure to order extra.”

Then you scoop out half for you and pass the other half to him.

[Anonymous]

Order extra sauces. Since you are placing the order, you could put in a second order if needed for double sauces. Everybody is hungry (and hangry) and he is being a jerk...but you have better things to spend your time on.

If he makes an issue about two orders, pay cash and combine the bag before you get home. Done. Jerk managed.

[Anonymous]

I think the point is being missed. I could not care less about whether it's a sauce or a dip, or that he wanted to share--I always share. It was his bizarre insistence that it always comes when you order Cava and that he wouldn't stop talking about it until I said what he wanted, which is: Okay, you're right. It always comes with this dip. Of course, I didn't do that, so for almost 10 minutes, he wouldn't stop insisting that Cava gives the sauce for free and that I was wrong in thinking that I orderd it, for myself. That's why I wondered if it's gaslighting...this insistence that I was wrong, and that I didn't order it for myself. He often is refuting reality, even in little, meaningless instances like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.

So, the short a sound, which my husband uses to say Cava sounds like the a in "have." The a in Cava, should be pronounced "ah" or "aa." As you correctly pointed out, though you don't understand what a short a is. And actually at Cava, they have a tzatziki (check you spelling)--which they describe as a dip or a spread, and they have a yogurt dill dressing--which was the product called into question last night. And we are definitely not made for each other, hence my posting here when I do in fact need to be working.

Jesus Christ this paragraph makes me want to put a bullet in my head. Are you like this in real life?!

That “check you spelling” has to be eating you ALIVE inside!!

Well, I was just pretty annoyed at the poster who was missing the point of what happened and calling me pedantic because she thought the argument was over the name of the sauce. Perhaps it was my fault because I didn't tell the story clearly. I am far from pedantic. I don't possess enough knowledge of anything to be pedantic. And I really wouldn't know the difference between tzatziki and yogurt dill sauce. But she was being a jerk, so I jabbed back. Sorry.