Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
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Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.
So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re made for each other.
So, the short a sound, which my husband uses to say Cava sounds like the a in "have." The a in Cava, should be pronounced "ah" or "aa." As you correctly pointed out, though you don't understand what a short a is. And actually at Cava, they have a tzatziki (check you spelling)--which they describe as a dip or a spread, and they have a yogurt dill dressing--which was the product called into question last night. And we are definitely not made for each other, hence my posting here when I do in fact need to be working.
Jesus Christ this paragraph makes me want to put a bullet in my head. Are you like this in real life?!
That “check you spelling” has to be eating you ALIVE inside!!
Well, I was just pretty annoyed at the poster who was missing the point of what happened and calling me pedantic because she thought the argument was over the name of the sauce. Perhaps it was my fault because I didn't tell the story clearly. I am far from pedantic. I don't possess enough knowledge of anything to be pedantic. And I really wouldn't know the difference between tzatziki and yogurt dill sauce. But she was being a jerk, so I jabbed back. Sorry.
It's totally not gaslighting, your husband has some kind of problem, be it ASD or something else--given not being able to function in the workplace, duh. So to start with, why bother arguing with him about trivia? And what about the not working, the general functional issues? What does he do with his time? Do you want to stay married? If so, what can you do about steering him to some therapy? Have you ever asked HIM what his dx was as a kid and what the therapy he had then was all about? Seven years and you're arguing about a dressing/dip/sauce? Blows my mind.
OP, I agree with these two points of view. He has been this way for 21 years, but the last 7 unemployed I can’t imagine how that dynamic impacts your day to day. Can you answer some of the questions that aren’t clear? Particularly around the newborn losses.
You sound stressed too, so you have an emotional support system, like a therapist or good non judgmental friend?
OP here. To answer the question about loss of newborns. We lost twins due to premature labor. This was almost 18 years ago. I have actually had some other pretty profound losses since then, to be honest (I feel like I will give myself away here evenutally). I did see a massive shift in his personality almost immediately following their birth/death. That's when he went from being a generous sweet person, to a financially controlling one. He didn't become too personally controlling--like telling me what I can do generally. But he started commenting on and eventually controlling, every penny I spent. I have worked througout our entire marriage. I knew at the time that, because that was a situation that was out of his control (it was our first pregnancy, through IVF), not spendig any money was how he was getting control. I knew it was unhealthy, but he has refused therapy ever since. I went for a while during that time. Haven't since. There is no question that I have a lot of anxiety--from that, and more recent very close losses. But I am not depressed and I really do deal with my anxiety. I'm sure it is quite unpleasant for him to live with me, because about two years ago I decided to stop taking his garbage. It seemed to introduce some equity into our marriage for a little while, but lately, he's just really asserting that control again. I do really appreciate the feedback and advice here. Some of it has been so thoughtful and some seemed fueled, possibly, by day drinking on a Saturday afternoon, but was good for some laughs. So thanks!
PP. I’m glad you’re amused by Spearta 2.0 unfolding as a sidebar before our very eyes. 😊
I am sorry to share the burden of parental grief. I remember when my XH and I were spoken to by the hospital medical team. After everyone left, she pulled me aside and said a lot of marriages don’t last after tragedy like what it sounds like you experienced. I’m happy that you are on a path of peace despite any pain, and I had a different story but a similar attitude after losing my baby. My XH tried to support and go alone, but that was not his way. And that was okay. He also suffered long term unemployment, where I carried the torch (emotionally, physically with medical procedure, financially with the income, and personally by working on my own self repair). It can seem like a very lonely walk, but for your disposition you have probably learned how to identify glimmers of light in the dark, or rainbows amidst the stormy clouds. Without knowing it, you could be evoking feelings within him unintentionally. Maybe that his reaction or process is wrong (it isn’t), that he is inadequate to provide an equal value in his marriage, he may struggle with other issues that would present around 21 yrs of marriage but are made complicated by what sounds like several difficult losses.
You asked if this is gaslighting. In my case, it didn’t begin that way, but he transgressed towards it eventually. It was a defense mechanism that allowed him to function with the emptiness he *felt* within, ans a projection that was a razor thin line between function and utter failure. He did it because he didn’t know anything about the power and gift of emotional weight. Like many men, he dismissed emotions as unstable and illogical factors to trust in decision making, so they were neglected. You cannot necks to the sound of your heart. You have to value and nurture it. Emotions should inform our decisions, not rule them, and they certainly be excluded as a weighted criteria to value as part of a decision making process.
I don’t know your specifics (and this is more common than you make think so don’t worry too much about outing yourself) but I know several people, myself included that have experienced *some* level of what you’re describing. It gets really tricky here, and I think this is the most fragile part of your make or break stage. If you can connect with your hearts, you can grow and continue to transform. If you cannot do that - someone will have to sever to save themselves, otherwise you will be ad odds with your family/spouse while also grieving your child/other losses. Throw in a little bit of overreaction, forgivable mistakes made in a moment of weakness, unresolved issues and it can just explode.
You’re not crazy, but death can make some of us no longer want to live. And everyone has different coping mechanisms. That said. You owe it to yourself to alway be the best person you can be in this lifetime. Losing life reminds us of how precious each moment is. You cannot change the past and you cannot control anyone’s response but your own. This is a time where you need to make an assessment.
Do you feel emotionally, physically, and mentally safe?
Do you feel that you can continue in this relationship without changing doe the worse if nothing changes?
Have you exhausted every ounce of effort to give 100%, even if he doesn’t “deserve” it?
Have you responded to his misconduct with grace, and love, without being a doormat or abused?
Do you know what his fears are?
Do you know what he wants right now at this moment?
Have you two discussed a NEW VISION and plan for the future after devastating loss?
Can you each identify the resources you would nées independently to return to baseline functioning as an indiciduL?
How about the resources needed to baseline function as a couple?
What is your next best option if this is not possible?
Are any of the weaknesses you’ve identified with yourself and your husband (without judgment!) able to be augmented in some other way?
Is there anyone your husband admires or confides in that could step in to give him an ear, or just someone to sit silent with him, or agree with his clear authority on dip determination? Would that help or hinder your vision long term if he had that ego itch scratched? Would he fall back, or become more emboldened in his foolish pride!
In my marriage, I fought my ass off. I gave 100% every single moment. When I felt like crap, when I felt great, when he was wrong, when he was right, when it was unfair, when I looked like a fool. It was painful. And hard. But going through that process creates a beautiful growth in your own soul, and your capacity for love increases ans your capability becomes threatened if the other person isn’t walking with you in that path. Again, parental grief is a completely different ball game with rules that muck up the usual modus operandi.
I stayed until it was unhealthy to stay, because my confidence and peace became a threat amd his behavior turned hurtful in a feeble grasp at power. I realized that I could not give a near 50 year old man a tool kit to use that he never had a desire to use before. I divorced, ans grieved that loss of a future with him along with the loss of our children. However, on the other side I have never been more resilient or confident. I have hope again, and I was able to do a lot of really tough work and personal transformation without the critical eye or international attempts to dismantle from my ex. I left with a clear conscious because I have all I have.
Several years out — he is still angry. He spouts lies, acts crazy, sometimes stalks me, but my boundaries are firm and while I don’t growl at his presence, I am a stalwart protector of everything I’ve worked hard to nurture amd when push comes to shove there is no defense against good that stands. There are times I think he may be maturing but I realize that the hole he has is so painful, he can fill it with things that would destroy me, but may just feel
More comforting than the emptiness. That is his walk and his cross to bear.
Love yourself and your husband and your children enough to love your best life. That isn’t in a pretty house with a hefty account and days filled with tears, hurtful words embedded in walls, broken memories and cold sheets. Warmth is a pathway, but you both have to want it. And if after a set period of time you explore the full gamut of this evaluation of jour family life, and you decide a new course or alternative is what is best, you can trust your judgement because you operated with a balanced input of wisdom, logic, emotion, love, and compassion for your need to have empowerment and never have those things threatened from the man that took the same vow as you.
I hope this gives another perspective and can help with some of the quartions. What you and yourhusband are facing is tough alone, but 2020 is the straw bringing a lot of camels to their knees.
I wish you all the best, and pray you find special signs to affirm the truth and good grace that is still waiting d’or a full release into your life, OP.
Happy Sunday! 🤗
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