Is being married and having children a barometer of success?
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Anonymous
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I admit, whenever I see a woman married to a "good guy" and by that I mean, someone desirable and high quality with good character, well respected and an overall decent guy, I am envious. It is challenging to meet and date these types of guys so if she is one who manages to get and settle down with one, I consider it an accomplishment. Having 1 or 2 well adjusted kids rates her success even higher.
I do not think it is an accomplishment to marry or procreate with low quality guys. I guess its biology. Women choose to mate with the highest quality man possible. Those who can are winners. |
Anonymous
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People have different priorities, goals, definitions of some of these concepts. I see it as pretty relative:
a “goal” of marriage and children a high-quality spouse a good marriage |
Anonymous
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Only to my mother. Who thinks marriage should never end in divorce no matter how hard someone is beating you or treating you like crap.
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Anonymous
It's not hard if you meet and settle down right after college or before late twenties. |
Anonymous
Are you very insecure? |
Anonymous
| I married a surgeon and have two bright well adjusted kids. I am very thankful for my situation. I also work full time professionally so my feeling of success comes from that, not my husband or kids. I have single friends in their 40s who never married and I know how lonely they are and regretful that they will never have kids. But it was something that was important to me, and I had to go out there and date a lot of people until I found the right one, and be they type of woman that they wanted to marry (wear makeup, dress well, stay thin). It also takes A LOT of compromise, I had to put my career on hold, deal with his long hours, and I completely understand that some women don’t want to change who they are. But I’m happy and would do it over again in a heartbeat. |
Anonymous
This is true. In my observation, these guys are the first to exit the dating scene and marry college GFs or the girls they meet upon graduation. I also suspect the longer someone has been in the dating pool, the more damaged or broken they are. |
Anonymous
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How do you know there "good guys"? Just because there successful, respected, handsome etc doesn't mean there not a cheating lying asshat to there wives.
My husband is probably what you would consider low quality since he's a little over weight, not a 10, nor earning 6 figures and respected by all. But he's loyal, family orieand always puts me and our daughters above himself. Oh and my daughters are very well rounded, educated and self sufficient in not needing a man to get what they want. I would say I hit the jackpot but what do I know I married a lower middle classman |
Anonymous
+ 1 The longest and best marriages I know of started off dating in college. |
Anonymous
| Yes, seems to me. But, you really have to push to get married shortly after college if you want one of the "best" guys. |
Anonymous
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I'd be interested to hear what OP thinks of as a "good guy". I sense that most of the good guys she is thinking of are high earners, which is problematic.
But even if the definition is broad, I don't really agree. I am married to a great guy and we have a wonderful kid. But I don't view any of that as "success" -- it's a combination of good luck and making choices to do things we both wanted (getting married, having a kid). I think it's a highly personal choice. I know people who made different choices, or who had different luck, and I don't consider them less successful than me. Some of them are more successful because they have more interesting and better paying jobs, for instance. But I usually evaluate success as a career metric. I don't think it's the most important thing in life, nor the least important. I have not been very successful, though I do have a great family and am a good spouse and mother, so that counteracts some of my feelings about my lack of success in my career. And they are probably even related -- I likely would have made different career choices had I been single and childless. |
Anonymous
| It's only a marker of success if it was your goal. If you want to get married to a certain type of guy and have kids, and you accomplish that, then yes, you have succeeded. If you didn't want to get married, then no, it's not. |
Anonymous
| I believe having a good marriage and well adjusted kids is a barometer of success given how many bad marriages there are along with tons of screwed up kids. To make both of those things happen requires a lot of effort. |
Anonymous
| That depends on your life goals. I think most people want these things. But colored by a caveat that they get a good marriage and the children they expected. The angels laugh. |
Anonymous
This. I married my college sweetheart who was one of these “good guys” for many years. Then he hit his forties, experienced a midlife crisis, checked out of our marriage, and even worse, checked out of parenting. He has moved out, goes to the gym 5-6 nights a week and then socializes with his gym buddies afterward, and tries to find time to have dinner with our kids (who are not yet teenagers) once a week, but it’s hard to do because he works such a demanding job.  I’d trade places with this pp in a heartbeat. I’m so glad she realizes and appreciates the gem she has.
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