SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

^ This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

+1

Working moms don’t do all that. Most of the working moms I know hire out a lot of the stuff SAHMS do themselves (including, obviously, the after school childcare). Or they have grandparents living with them or nearby. And most have regular cleaners, do meal kits or more frequent takeout, etc. I don’t see why one method is better than the other— they are both fine.

So why trash a SAHM or accuse her of not working? I just don’t see the point. I definitely know a number if SAHMs who unquestioningly work hard and longer than a number if people I know with cushy full time jobs. I also know people with full time jobs and school age kids who have full time nannies who definitely stay plenty busy cooking and cleaning while the kids are at school.

+1, my mom had a housekeeper to clean the house and do all the laundry twice a week. She cooked and did the grocery shopping but my dad cooked some too. We did no activities as my dad did his sports at night and mom was tired. Before K, we had nannies and preschool. After that it was before/after school care/camps. My mom worked 9-5. Looking back we at dinner together but spent very little time together. On weekends they'd have date nights Friday/Saturday and hire babysitters till we were old enough to stay home alone.

[/quote


Maybe in yout UMC DCUM bubble but no most working moms are not hiring everything out. Get a clue !

You are the one that needs to get a clue. If you are a working mom because you need the income and can’t afford to stay home, then yes you probably aren’t hiring out. But that is not OP. The UMC and above that don’t need the income and live the same lifestyle whether they work or not, are either staying home or working and hiring everything else out. No woman that can easily afford to hire out some help is working full time plus everything else. Some women even stay home, and hire out- can you imagine??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH it may be that he really doesn't see the value in some of your activities. Sometimes men are fine with a messier house, no school volunteering, a generally less curated life, less kid activities, simpler food, etc. Be prepared to hear that even though it may hurt. What you see as valuable effort on behalf of the family he may see as a discretionary leisure activity of yours.

And be 1000% sure your financial planning is realistic. Being "not spendy" isn't going to make college and retirement savings appear.

Agree, they need to look hard and in detail at their planning for college tuition and their own retirement and an emergency fund, etc.

Re, the bold -- if that is the case, the couple needs to be open to serious talking about why they had this disconnect for so long. That's a big issue, to me (I'm not OP, BTW).

The first paragraph seems to indicate that "activiites" like housework, volunteering, kid activities etc. are indeed not especially important. The use of the term "curated life" kind of jumps out here. No one said OP was doing a curated life with Instagram-ready gourmet meals ("simpler food" preferred), or was overly focused on a perfectly neat home ("a messier house" is fine) etc. I figure maybe you didn't realize it but the first paragraph comes across as somewhat assuming that OP might be doing things to be, well, "curated" and picture-perfect. That may not be the case at all. Maybe you didn't intend it that way, but it almost sounds like a script for a man to use when telling a woman what she's been doing for years was fundamentally for her own entertainment and ego. Maybe the house is pretty messy and the food is simple but there are still valid reasons for OP to want to stay home.

I don't get why people assume those with a SAHP don't save for college, retirement or emergency fund. We have all of that and almost have our house paid off (modest house).

+1 Agree. There are many stages of life too. I stay home now because I worked for 20 years, paid off debt and saved. We didn't travel extensively or buy a house that made us house poor. Now that the foundation is laid, compound interest does the heavy lifting. I don't care what people presume. It works for our family and that's what is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

^ This.

Pretty sure no one cares how impressed you are. Get off DCUM and get back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

^ This.

I'm a working mom who bakes bread too. It's not a super time consuming activity. Although every day? How much bread are you guys eating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

I went back and reread this post and honestly think this person has to be trolling and mocking SAHMs. I honestly don't see any SAHM listing showering as a meaningful contribution, I just don't.

If this post is serious, that PP is ridiculous. Those things do not take six hours. Working moms do it in the evenings and on weekends.

She's not saying that it's meaningful, just that's what she does to fill her time. I work and I don't really have time to exercise on days that I actually have to commute to an office, I don't cook meals from scratch, and our house is usually a mess.

[Anonymous]

Why is it okay for wealthy people to need a housekeeper, gardener and after care or nannies, but when someone is a SAHM people think they just laze around all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

^ This.

Exactly - I work, have kids, drive them to activities, and make every meal at home. Oh, and I take a shower. BFD. You are so lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

Not saying he will cheat, but OP, your husband clearly doesn't respect you right now. For me, that alone would be a reason to return to the workplace.

I think what you’re both touching upon is that the marriage is in trouble.

Marriage counseling is a good place to start. I don’t think her going back to work is the solution. If she does get a job and ends up handling all the stress of work and running the hone she’s going to be resentful which leads to divorce. If she doesn’t go back to work and her husband doesn’t respect her contribution he’s resentful which could lead to divorce. Either way, communication has broken down and they need to get on the same page again. Marital counseling can help.

[Anonymous]

As usual, everyone in this thread is angry at OP for not just magically having the exact same spouse, working conditions, skill set, and life experience as they do.

It's great if your spouse truly is an equal partner on the home and childcare front. OP's DH is not that. I see all the posts telling her to "make" him do it, but if it's not happening at this point (with their youngest a 10 year old) it's not going to happen anytime soon. My DH isn't a total slouch in these areas but he is far from an equal partner. I do actually "make" him do stuff because I think it's particularly important for our kids to see their dad cooking, cleaning, and doing childcare. But it takes time and energy for me to assign him stuff to do and, often, to help him accomplish it (yes, he has the learned helplessness men get when they are married, yes we've discussed it, no it has not solved itself even 10 years in). He very rarely takes initiative on anything other than cooking, which I definitely appreciate. But even stuff like car maintenance or bill pay, I either have to ask him to do, or check that he's done, or do it my self.

I wish that all men felt the same responsibility to take care of kids and home that women do. Again, my DH is not some misogynist jerk who dumps it on me because he thinks it's beneath him. He tries, but I have accepted that he will never do as much with the kids or in terms of making our household function as I do. We had a much more equal division of labor before having kids, which is when I figured out that despite good intentions, he just doesn't have it in him. I push him, but only so far, because I also value our relationship and I'm not actually willing to divorce -- he's a good husband and father, just a mediocre homemaker. It is what it is.

I do actually work part time now that my kids are in school and love working and think it's really, really important to have my own source of income. But I totally get where OP is coming with with a spouse who just doesn't pull weight at home. I also did not want to be that working mom who was on the hook for EVERYTHING at home while also trying to make a career work. Especially when the kids were really little and needed so much. The idea that a woman can just wave a magic wand and her spouse will step up is ridiculous. Some of us have tried everything to get them to do more (short of leaving them) and they just... don't. If a woman in that situation chooses to stay home in order to have a more equal marriage, I say more power to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

^ This.

Exactly - I work, have kids, drive them to activities, and make every meal at home. Oh, and I take a shower. BFD. You are so lazy.

You sound jealous. You must have a super duper important job changing the world, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

^ This.

Exactly - I work, have kids, drive them to activities, and make every meal at home. Oh, and I take a shower. BFD. You are so lazy.

Do you want a cookie?

🍪

[Anonymous]

Write down ALL your chores. Ask him how he wants to split them up. He has to prepare a nice dinner 3x week. Do laundry. Etc

I’d aim for a compromise. Pt work, outsource and him helping (ha)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can find a job working evenings and weekends 😀Seriously, go back to work, but I would advise on day 1 that you list what he is now responsible for within the house. This forum has plenty of women complaining of how they feel taken advantage of. Set the bar immediately.

Right. Make him a list and he’ll do everything on it. Sure, that will work.

Haha! I was thinking the same thing. Dinner is going to be takeout. The kitchen will be a disaster and all the kid planning is still on her.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty sure op’s dh thinks the laundry magically gets done, the kids doctors appointments happen automatically, food simply appears in the fridge and meals drop in front of him at just the right time without human intervention. He’s not a 50:50 contributor to the household duties, and I think op is right to assume it’s not likely to start now.

Op, with the holidays coming up there will be plenty of retail jobs available. Take one as a trial run and do evening and weekend shifts. Tell dh he’s in charge of meals (shopping and preparing) and laundry for a couple of months. If he manages it then you’ll look into full-time work in the new year. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.