SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

+1

Working moms don’t do all that. Most of the working moms I know hire out a lot of the stuff SAHMS do themselves (including, obviously, the after school childcare). Or they have grandparents living with them or nearby. And most have regular cleaners, do meal kits or more frequent takeout, etc. I don’t see why one method is better than the other— they are both fine.

So why trash a SAHM or accuse her of not working? I just don’t see the point. I definitely know a number if SAHMs who unquestioningly work hard and longer than a number if people I know with cushy full time jobs. I also know people with full time jobs and school age kids who have full time nannies who definitely stay plenty busy cooking and cleaning while the kids are at school.

+1, my mom had a housekeeper to clean the house and do all the laundry twice a week. She cooked and did the grocery shopping but my dad cooked some too. We did no activities as my dad did his sports at night and mom was tired. Before K, we had nannies and preschool. After that it was before/after school care/camps. My mom worked 9-5. Looking back we at dinner together but spent very little time together. On weekends they'd have date nights Friday/Saturday and hire babysitters till we were old enough to stay home alone.

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Maybe in yout UMC DCUM bubble but no most working moms are not hiring everything out. Get a clue !

I read that post with the PP listing errands and showers as daily activities and why she should stay home and I was laughing my head off.
I work a regular job and it must be magic but I do manage to keep a great clean house, drive my kids to their many activities and bake bread 😂. My husband and kids pitch in. Kids do their own laundry and they each make dinner once a week. I should also say that I have always had great executive functioning skills. I am trying to demonstrate to my daughter the value of financial independence. I have also been telling my son that an equal partnership is important in marriage and that involves both spouses working and participating in household chores and management.

+100

I workout 6 days a week and do everything she says (minus bake bread; don’t need the carbs) and I have ALWAYS worked full-time. I WAH because I planned my career from a young age. I got a graduate degree and when I met my husband I went in a direction that was lucrative but had flexibility.

My parents stressed always having a way to financial support ourselves. Never 100% rely on anyone else for income. I met my husband when I was 26. He was 25. Married at 28. He makes a lot of $. Early on, we didn’t need my salary but it gave him piece of mind too and made our household more equal. We both contribute on the homefront and financially. No animosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

I went back and reread this post and honestly think this person has to be trolling and mocking SAHMs. I honestly don't see any SAHM listing showering as a meaningful contribution, I just don't.

[Anonymous]

He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

This!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

IMO, I'd start him doing some of the stuff. My brother's BFF from childhood was shipped to his aunt after his (working) mom passed away from cancer. His dad was unable to care for him at the basic level - food, clothes, grooming, school work and planning. It was so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

Not saying he will cheat, but OP, your husband clearly doesn't respect you right now. For me, that alone would be a reason to return to the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh good grief, she’s not saying showering is a duty, she’s saying it’s one of the things she does in those six hours.

I’m a SAHM of school age kids plus a preschooler and a baby. While it’s just me and the baby (and he naps) I: make tomorrow’s lunches, batch bake snacks, tidy and clean, do laundry, prep (or ideally make!) tonight’s dinner, take care of whatever bureaucracy needs done (much easier for me to be on hold with the DMV than DH), weed the garden, meal plan and order groceries, shower, deal with contractors for house issues. Sometimes I read a book. Obviously all these things could be done in the evenings or by someone I pay or not at all, depending, but all the little things being done during the day means DH can walk in the door to dinner and we can spend our weekends relaxing instead of doing errands. I imagine once all my kids are in school and I have more free time I will read more books, but having been the one who does all the wakeups, all the pandemic childcare, etc etc etc, I think of it as “making partner.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

HuH? The women who work are haggard and swamped and don't have time for the married shlub with the dad-bod at work because they need to get out the door and on with life thankyouverymuch. I know this because I'm one of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

It seems like it's his turn to be stay at home. Would you support that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him a taste of the chaos that is 2 working parents and he’ll probably support you quitting in no time. That’s what I did.

NP. I tried this & it did not work. Some men value the contributions of a SAHM; others do not (or at least not as much as they value the lifestyle that two incomes provides). My DH does not care if there are dust bunnies on the shelves or if we sometimes eat cereal for dinner because neither of us feels like cooking. He doesn’t care about fresh bread. He does care about saving for college for our kids (a luxury neither of us had), retirement, being able to eat out whenever or buy what we want within reason.

The flip side of that is there is more to life than more money and more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

I’m in a similar situation.
I get up at 5:45 and make lunches and breakfasts and do dishes and laundry and send the kids off to school. DH either sleeps in or gets up around 7:30 to go on a walk until his work starts. I then grocery shop, run errands, and clean the house. Sometimes I start prepping any food for lunches/dinner. I usually have a 2 hour break before my first kid comes home from school. He has ADHD and needs help structuring his homework and studying. Then the other kid gets home and I take him outside. Then I make dinner and clean up.

My husband does nothing. Sometimes I travel to see my family on the other coast and while I am gone kids get food at school and junk food at night and spend literally every hour they are home on video games.

I fully understand that there are single moms who do everything AND work, and probably also married moms who do everything. I just really don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

HuH? The women who work are haggard and swamped and don't have time for the married shlub with the dad-bod at work because they need to get out the door and on with life thankyouverymuch. I know this because I'm one of them!

Ha. The women who work are haggard ? You haven't seen my work colleagues. They have make-up and heels and aren't in sweatpants covered in flour from baking bread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

I went back and reread this post and honestly think this person has to be trolling and mocking SAHMs. I honestly don't see any SAHM listing showering as a meaningful contribution, I just don't.

If this post is serious, that PP is ridiculous. Those things do not take six hours. Working moms do it in the evenings and on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

I’m in a similar situation.
I get up at 5:45 and make lunches and breakfasts and do dishes and laundry and send the kids off to school. DH either sleeps in or gets up around 7:30 to go on a walk until his work starts. I then grocery shop, run errands, and clean the house. Sometimes I start prepping any food for lunches/dinner. I usually have a 2 hour break before my first kid comes home from school. He has ADHD and needs help structuring his homework and studying. Then the other kid gets home and I take him outside. Then I make dinner and clean up.

My husband does nothing. Sometimes I travel to see my family on the other coast and while I am gone kids get food at school and junk food at night and spend literally every hour they are home on video games.

I fully understand that there are single moms who do everything AND work, and probably also married moms who do everything. I just really don’t want to.

If you grocery shop and clean the house daily, you need better time management and shopping skills.

Also, your kids need to start doing some of these chores. It was life-changing when my kids began doing their own laundry and doing dishes/unloading dishwasher, and all kinds of other things. You aren't doing their future spouses any favors by not having them lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

HuH? The women who work are haggard and swamped and don't have time for the married shlub with the dad-bod at work because they need to get out the door and on with life thankyouverymuch. I know this because I'm one of them!

Ha. The women who work are haggard ? You haven't seen my work colleagues. They have make-up and heels and aren't in sweatpants covered in flour from baking bread.

I work. I look better than the SAHMs I see. It is a matter of priorities.