SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. Seven pages of women sniping back and forth on the tired debate of SAH versus working moms, with everyone on both sides either presuming that the husband's motivation behind wanting OP to work is jealousy or some other nefarious thing.

No one is asking WHY the husband wants the wife to work, so we have no idea if his reasons are legit. Has OP let herself go? Does OP give the husband the impression at the end of the day that she has become lazy, miserable, etc.? Does OP seem happy? Is OP a nice person to see at the end of the work day?

In other words, is the husband motivated by selfish reasons or concerns about the well-being of OP?

I've been married for decades to a SAHM. We never once discussed the possibility of her working. I had no expectation that she "keep herself busy" after the kids got older and eventually moved out. My only expectation was that she be happy. Why do you have to be busy all the time?

I'm happy and proud to have the means so that my wife can do anything, or nothing, if she wants. Just so she's happy doing it. She earned it. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to stay home and raise the kids, and how much harder on both of us it would have been if she didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

This is the conversation you need to have. If you are starting new, you will have less leave and need to prove yourself which means he will need to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure op’s dh thinks the laundry magically gets done, the kids doctors appointments happen automatically, food simply appears in the fridge and meals drop in front of him at just the right time without human intervention. He’s not a 50:50 contributor to the household duties, and I think op is right to assume it’s not likely to start now.

Op, with the holidays coming up there will be plenty of retail jobs available. Take one as a trial run and do evening and weekend shifts. Tell dh he’s in charge of meals (shopping and preparing) and laundry for a couple of months. If he manages it then you’ll look into full-time work in the new year. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

No, take some daytime shifts and make sure to stick him with kid appointments and the school commute. As well as a few little surprises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure op’s dh thinks the laundry magically gets done, the kids doctors appointments happen automatically, food simply appears in the fridge and meals drop in front of him at just the right time without human intervention. He’s not a 50:50 contributor to the household duties, and I think op is right to assume it’s not likely to start now.

Op, with the holidays coming up there will be plenty of retail jobs available. Take one as a trial run and do evening and weekend shifts. Tell dh he’s in charge of meals (shopping and preparing) and laundry for a couple of months. If he manages it then you’ll look into full-time work in the new year. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

No, take some daytime shifts and make sure to stick him with kid appointments and the school commute. As well as a few little surprises.

Absolutely. Daytime job during flu season. He can enjoy being home with the kids when they get sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. Seven pages of women sniping back and forth on the tired debate of SAH versus working moms, with everyone on both sides either presuming that the husband's motivation behind wanting OP to work is jealousy or some other nefarious thing.

No one is asking WHY the husband wants the wife to work, so we have no idea if his reasons are legit. Has OP let herself go? Does OP give the husband the impression at the end of the day that she has become lazy, miserable, etc.? Does OP seem happy? Is OP a nice person to see at the end of the work day?

In other words, is the husband motivated by selfish reasons or concerns about the well-being of OP?

I've been married for decades to a SAHM. We never once discussed the possibility of her working. I had no expectation that she "keep herself busy" after the kids got older and eventually moved out. My only expectation was that she be happy. Why do you have to be busy all the time?

I'm happy and proud to have the means so that my wife can do anything, or nothing, if she wants. Just so she's happy doing it. She earned it. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to stay home and raise the kids, and how much harder on both of us it would have been if she didn't.

Agree. Same for my DH and me. He, along with many other working spouses with a SAH spouse, has a very demanding job. My DH often works very long hours and is gone for entire weekends at a time, at least monthly. Him doing 50% of housework and childcare just isn’t possible. While I may have some leisure time in the day after I get done with whatever I need to do that day, I’m often the only parent at home in the afternoon, at nights/bedtime, and on many weekends. It works for us for me to stay home and take care of everything kid and house related. We don’t need extra income or extra family stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

there are solutions -- a lot of the two working parent families I know hire out a lot of the chore stuff. Like, a babysitter picks up the kids, does laundry, and makes dinner before you get home. It becomes doable because of the additional income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always worked full-time at home for the Feds. I make less than my spouse and my salary that necessary, but I have great health benefits for the family, a hefty retirement of my own. With $175k as the “support/not even close to primary” salary it’s the best of both. I am in STEM in my graduate degree field. I can’t imagine never working.

How does your specific experience, including telling us about your great insurance, "hefty" retirement and six-figure salary (and indicating your spouse makes even more $$, so you're doing just fine), answer OP's question? We know you're all set. What does that do to advise OP, who isn't likely to go get a STEM degree and jump into a full-time at home gig any time soon?

Not at all, but there's one on every thread...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was your career before you had OP, or what are the likely jobs you can get?

This is why staying home often sucks for women. They put in the hard work when the kids are little, then some of their husbands expect them to magically get a job once the kids are no longer in the little kid stage. Meanwhile their career has been derailed so they can't get as good a job as before and the husband is spoiled and still expects the mom to handle most of the details of household and child management.

+1. OP is clearly going to be working outside the home AND doing all the childcare and household management. And DH will probably say she should be the one taking off work to stay home w sick kids, etc bc her job isn't as "important". And she will never advance and it will suck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

But she isn't going to die. She's still going to be there and he is still going to expect her to do everything, and it will be the path of least resistance bc he has no idea how to do anything or even what needs to be done. So she will end up doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have always worked full-time at home for the Feds. I make less than my spouse and my salary that necessary, but I have great health benefits for the family, a hefty retirement of my own. With $175k as the “support/not even close to primary” salary it’s the best of both. I am in STEM in my graduate degree field. I can’t imagine never working.

I truly believe you’re a troll. You are clearly a different fed than most based on your salary and you know this isn’t realistic. Plus it takes a decade at least of work to climb the fed ladder. Stop dumping on this thread

+1. You have a unicorn situation if you have a $175k fed job that has always let you work full-time from home. You must know that's not available to OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

there are solutions -- a lot of the two working parent families I know hire out a lot of the chore stuff. Like, a babysitter picks up the kids, does laundry, and makes dinner before you get home. It becomes doable because of the additional income.

that can scoop up quite a bit of the additional takehome I come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t respect. He will cheat with a woman that works. See this all of the time.

HuH? The women who work are haggard and swamped and don't have time for the married shlub with the dad-bod at work because they need to get out the door and on with life thankyouverymuch. I know this because I'm one of them!

Ha. The women who work are haggard ? You haven't seen my work colleagues. They have make-up and heels and aren't in sweatpants covered in flour from baking bread.

Wait. I thought you said you baked bread too??!! Don’t you do EVERYTHING a SAHM does AND work? Since this is what you’re aspiring to, here’s a fun throwback to the last century. Enjoy!

((Sorry you’re stuck in 1979))

[Anonymous]

I usually get a pass that in these debates as a SAHP. Our children had SNs that required more intensive parenting years and tons of appointments and research that took quite a bit of time. When they were in HS, they had the additional load of dealing with the end of life for three grandparents. With them in college now, I flirted with getting a job, but these were supposed to be our traveling years and I would not have any real vacation built up. DH has about six weeks he can take every year. Then Covid hit and we wait. Now DH is 0-5 years from retiring depending on how the ACA costs rise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

Oh, barf. Working moms do all of this with a job (except “bake bread” — WTF — but if they really wanted to do that, they’d do it on the weekend).

You take a shower, work out and run some errands? Wow! Color us all impressed.

Yeah- instead you should push around some papers in an office, zone out through some boring non-productive meetings, pretend to look busy, and scroll DCUM on your phone. That is way more important that taking care of yourself and your home.

Seriously PP, why do you care what someone does with their time and what gives you any authority to decide it is important or not?

I am a working mom w/9mo and 3yo and I never understand all these "what do you do with your time? working moms do it all plus work!" comments. I would have NO PROBLEM filling 6 hrs a day. As-is, I don't work out, I barely do my makeup/hair, I cook only easy things that can be thrown together in under 30 min, I have a million organizational tasks/projects that I never get to, and I rarely get to bed before 11pm bc after my kids are in bed I need to pick up toys, do dishes/laundry, wash pump parts, and get bottles and lunches ready for the next day.

I'm not complaining (and yes, my DH is an equal partner and handles many tasks, and we make it work) but the idea that you can't fill 6hrs/day with household and kid-related tasks, or that working moms easily accomplish everything SAHMs in their non-working hours, is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. Seven pages of women sniping back and forth on the tired debate of SAH versus working moms, with everyone on both sides either presuming that the husband's motivation behind wanting OP to work is jealousy or some other nefarious thing.

No one is asking WHY the husband wants the wife to work, so we have no idea if his reasons are legit. Has OP let herself go? Does OP give the husband the impression at the end of the day that she has become lazy, miserable, etc.? Does OP seem happy? Is OP a nice person to see at the end of the work day?

In other words, is the husband motivated by selfish reasons or concerns about the well-being of OP?

I've been married for decades to a SAHM. We never once discussed the possibility of her working. I had no expectation that she "keep herself busy" after the kids got older and eventually moved out. My only expectation was that she be happy. Why do you have to be busy all the time?

I'm happy and proud to have the means so that my wife can do anything, or nothing, if she wants. Just so she's happy doing it. She earned it. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to stay home and raise the kids, and how much harder on both of us it would have been if she didn't.

OP said it's jealousy, that's why we think it's jealousy